Life Without Mom

I lost my Mom who was my best friend as well as my Mom, 5 yrs. ago.(8 days before Xmas) I thank God that she went the way she wanted, had baked cookies for Xmas all weekend, we talked 10 times a day, and at 11pm Sunday night she said her jaw hurt. I told her if she felt funny at all to call me. The next morning we found her in he lazy boy chair, looked like she was aleep, but she was gone. The cookies where all in their bins to be delivered to the fire station and Xmas presents all wrapped ready to be delivered. I called what little family we have and they came to the apt. to say goodbye before I had the funeral director take her. I handled everything, I am the youngest child but we were the closest ever and I promised her a million times I would be SURE I would do what she wanted. The quiet state I was in scared my siblings and no one opened their mouth to me and I did exactly what she wanted. No funeral, no service, cremation, and to be kept with me always...She rest on the table next to the chair she passed in at my house and it gives me so much comfort knowing where she is and that she's here for me to talk to and her spirit fills my house. They all think I'm a little off in the head and they may be right, but I don't care.. I got matching creamation boxes for her and I,  so when I go we will stay together always. I joke with my son that he can use us as book ends as long as we always stay together. If they feel they can't handle having us, we are to be poured out to gether so our ashes mix, I came from her and I will go WITH her. Somewhere beautiful.. I miss her every day and would give anything to hug her one more time. We always said I love u before hanging up, I just wished I would have spent the night when she left. I could not stopped her from going but I could have held her hand when she went....The pain never leaves me but I'm so thankfull to God he let her go at home and not in a hospital in pain.... I prayed for many years if her would take her like that, that I would take the pain for her. She was 85 and in good shape, lived alone, took care of her self. Independant, I would have to slip extra money in her purse or coat pocket and when she found she'd say, "I just found money I didn't know I had.". If she knew I was doing it, she never said (but I'm sure she did). Do u ever think there will come a day that I can wake up and not feel a piece of my heart missing??? I'm in my late 60's and had a broken heart tattooted on my shoulder for my Mom, Dad and Violets flowing out for my Granny. I cry at least once a day, the hole in my heart bleeds tears and there is no way to stop it., I can barely make it thru a Xmas, I fake smiles, and feel no joy, I try to avoid it except when I have to spend time at my kids house. They can tell the joy is gone from my eyes even though I try to act normal. Any body tell me how I ever get the pain out and let joy in ????

[dolphin8808]

I have no words, just losing my Father... other then I can feel your love for her in your words.... And one day we will all be together again. Big virtual hugs, I understand your pain, just wish there was something I could say. But I know there isn't.

[mammo]

I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain.  Find comfort in the wonderful relationship you had with your mom. She would want you to be happy and cannot rest until you are, do this for her. It doesn't matter what others think of how you mourn or pay tribute to your mom, we all grieve differently....whatever makes you happy is what you should do. Find happiness in your children because they will one day feel as you do right now. Give them wonderful memories to carry them through their tough times.  I lost my parents when I was 25, then a son and grandson....what did help was for me to journal my feelings, putting our emotions down on paper is very therapeutic and a form of release for us.  You could even make it a tribute to her so that your children and grandchildren will always know how special she was.  It's obvious you made your mother very happy and your last words were "I love you" it doesn't get any better than that!  It's okay to move on and find joy again, it's what your mother wants.  If you aren't able to do this then look into seeing a grief counselor for help.  Big hugs to you....

[Ann140]

Thank you so much, I'm doing my best........

[Ann140]

Thank you, I'll check that out........I think ur MOM is the hardest to lose, she's there from your birth, u ARE a part of her. I think anyone who has lost their Mom feels a empty place in their heart.....I look forward to being with her again.

[dolphin8808]

I have no words, just losing my Father... other then I can feel your love for her in your words.... And one day we will all be together again. Big virtual hugs, I understand your pain, just wish there was something I could say. But I know there isn't.

[Ann140]

  Thank you......A hug sometimes is what you need.

[dolphin8808]

I agree, sometimes it gets us through the hard parts :)