Life without moma

[Lisi251]

Its been 3 years &3 months since my moms death & not a day goes by that I dont think of her many times.
I feel as though I have this empty place inside that cant be filled.I have changed as the person I was since
that day & know I will never be the same or my life will never be either.

She was the most wonderful lady I had ever known not because she was my mother but because she gave her whole
life to do things for others in need when I say this I mean her WHOLE LIFE!!! She was my best friend.

She ended up with lung cancer that spread to her brain. Those last days,hours haunt me so much as they replay
in my mind over & over again.I really have tried so hard not to think about this but it doesnt go away. I
also stopped talking about it but dont think it has been good for me.

Maybe a little at a time I can talk about how I feel on this site & it will help me in someway.
Will it ever get better?
Lisa

[britt0713]

I lost my mom July 13, 2011. It was so unexpected. She was never sick and one day un June she just started acting different. My dad took her to the hospital and they said she was fine. She had another episode a couple days later. My dad took her back and after talking to his sister, a nurse, he made them do a CT scan because they thought she could be having a stroke. Come to find out, she had a spot on her brain. they thought it was cancerous. We sent her to a different hospital because the military hospital we were at didnt have an MRI machine. She got an MRI, another CT and a chest xray when she got to the hospital. It was confirmed. She had Lung cancer that metastisized to her brain. how did we not know? how did we not know she was so sick. they ran more tests and determined it was small cell stage 4. they said with chemo and radiation she would be better in 6 months. she started radiation the next day. I was an oncology nurse so i wanted the best oncologist in town. i wished we could have taken her to the best cancer center in the world and we had planned on it if she didnt get better. After her first round of chemo in july she became ill again. they thought she was dehydrated. they gaver her fluids. she didnt look too bad in the hospital. she was still talking to us and responding but she was still a little off. the doctors came to see her and ordered new meds. when we got to the hospital the next morning she was not responsive. how could that happen. how could NO ONE notice that she wasnt responding. i was so angry. were the nurses even doing their jobs? i still feel like there is something i could have done or maybe i should have said something or tried harder or stayed with her that night. she didnt want us to stay. she wanted us to get rest. but still. it wasnt fair. we made her a dnr that day and talked to hospice. doctors said she had a couple days to a couple weeks. the nurse asked us to leave so she could give her medicine and move her. we came back in, a couple minutes later she was gone. i still dont know what happened in that room but she went from having 6 months to get better to a couple days to not even 10 minutes. how did it all happen so fast. i still have so much anger towards those nurses and doctors. I do not work for that hospital anymore because of that. I dont know how to deal with all of this. i moved away a few months after. i fell like my siblings are still upset with me. my little sister is still so very upset and doesnt know how to cope. i cant help her because i cant help myself. my brother is doing his best but not dealing well either. and my poor daddy is just so lost. after 25 years of marriage, he lost his best friend and soul mate. they did everything together. My heart breaks for him. I met my amazing boyfriend a couple months before mom passed and he has been wonderful through it all. but still, he doesnt know what to say to me most of the time. i feel so terrible for him because at times i am so upset or so angry and i take it out on him. i know i dont need to but i cant help it. its all so overwhelming. and now the thoughts of getting married or having kids just crushes me. she is supposed to be there for all of that. how am i supposed to get through that stuff without her there? its not fair. she was so young at 51. i still need her advice. she was an amazing military wife and my boyfriend is in the military. i need to know how to handle all these things and she is supposed to be there to help me. i still hear her voice sometimes and its very comforting. the holidays were rough to get through without her. she always did everything. we are so lost without her. i just want this hurt in my heart to ease up a little. i want to feel happy again. when will this all start to feel better. i just want to pick up the phone and call her like usual still to this day.

[Lisi251]

Thanks for the warm welcome!!! Glad I reached you my prayers are with you this
morning I just read your journal & it brought me to tears....
I am sorry about the loss of your precious mother,the pain is so deep words will
never be enough to describe.

Cancer is such a terrible disease that destroys so many lives.I also lost my sister
to cancer 20 years ago & most recently (2 years ago my nephews wife) she was
only 21. We have been raising there daughter since that time.(Lizzie shes 6)
she also loved her mother so very much .

Thanks for being there
Bless you.......Lisa

[Beachwalker33]

I sympathize with your loss and having also replayed my own Mom's last moments in my head.I understand and feel pain in my heart for you! Welcome to the place where many will be happy to assist you in your grief.I'm the leader,haven't been the best one lately,my own pain is getting the best of me ,no more,were strong woman,we can pull through this, through prayer and the kindness of strangers that will become our support system.For we all need support.Drop me a note, and I'll always do my best to comfort you and I'll close this message with a cyber hug and a prayer for you! God bless you,Jen

[Judy246]

Lisa, I also have that six sense and dreams that come true. As a warning of something is going to happen. I had a friend dying of breast cancer and her mother died of it also. One night I had a dream that her mother was sitting with all her daughers and Mercy (dying of cancer) was next to her. The mom looke beautiful, radiant, peaceful and said to me, "Tell Mary (her youngest daughter) to bring the holy water". I woke up feeling panic. It was 2:30 - 3:00 AM and I text my niece (her grandaugher) and told her what her deceased grandma said to me. I told my niece, that Mercy is going to die! I feel it, she is going to die!. My niece contact all her aunts and told them about my unusual dream....Mercy died 2 weeks later.  Also, 2 weeks after mom died, I was in a very deep sleep and suddenly I hear my mother say, "Judy" in a normal "mom" voice. I jumped up from this deep, deep sleep, and I said, "Ma, it's ok ma. Were ok, were are going to fine, rest in peace".  It was the last time I heard her voice, but it was my mother and I jumped up and told her that we are ok and for her to be ok too. She has visited me in dreams 3 x's  after she died, but now all that has stopped. I miss her, but I know in my heart that she's ok.  God bless!

[Lisi251]

I have something I would like to share with the two of you.About 3 months after my
moms death in 2006 my daughter dreamed my mom was in the hospital dying
& the dream turned into me being in the bed instead of moma.My daughter woke up
panicked & told me Grandma is trying to tell me something is wrong with you &
that she wants me to get you to a hospital.I told her I am fine it was just a dream.

It was about a week later I started having these attacks that felt like I was literally
dying & being I coulldnt bear to be at that hospital again suffered for months
until I finally went in one night & had to have emergency surgery to get my gallbladder
removed it was so inflamed it was ready to burst.

Afew week later my daughter told me she had another dream that moma had came
to her & told her that something would happen to our family in August 2009
that would have the whole family upset for A few days.

Every time my daughter mentioned it I would dread that year getting here but at
the same time saying it must not be that bad if it would only be a few days
or maybe its nothing but a dream.

August 09 finally came around & one day out of the blue my daughter called me
crying & said mom I had the same dream as last time & grandma is telling
me something is wrong with you.I assured her I was fine the only thing I had going
on was a routine mammogram set for that week which I knew would be fine.

It turned out it wasnt fine I had a 3 cm lump they said was suspicious for cancer
which led to a biopsy for the next few days my life & familys was torn apart
my daughter keep saying it will be okay cause grandma said so.It came back
B-9 but I did have a fibroadenoma which I had removed 9/11/09.

A long story I know but I hope it helps you in some way to know those we love
must really still be with us. I havent shared this with anyone exceot family until
now...

God Bless
Lisa

[Judy246]

At times I feel like I am simply existing one day at a time. I just don't want to accept death. I hate it, I hate death taking my mother. I'm fortunate that I don't relive my mother in the CICU with tubes everywhere and she we knew she was already dead, because you can see death on her, on her hands, her face, her color was purpulish/blue. I'm ok with her last state, what I'm not ok with how death has changed me to what at times I feel like an empty shell of a human being who only exist.

Just expressing myself...thank you. Judy

[PromisedLand]

I had so many people come up to me while Scott was on life support and tell me how they had shared Christ with him at other times, and he was baptised in my church (an independent Baptist church about 10 years go which infuriated his mother to know end...but I had countless people..from Narcotics anon, from various churches all who believe that scott is with our savior eagerly awaiting our arrival..men from narc anon that helped him kick drugs and all these people who obviously truely loved Scott...

Very hearwarming...I can't go into all the details of what followed the service, but I've finally got that behind me and can move on


God Bless all of you


Jim

[Judy246]

The soul and love never die and is returned to God for judgement, but my mother was Christian and I will always have it engraved in my heart and thoughts her "last meal".  She could bearly move and when they brought her dinner, she lowly sat up and I walked in the room as she was praying over her meal. Oh, how my mother has taught me life lessons, but her strong faith in God....I will carry. I will make her proud and be a good, productive, caring human being, who makes the time to pray and spend quite time with God. Hope in the resurrection (Christ is the resurrection), is the only thing that has given me strenght to simply live again, because her death killed me...simply killed me.

[Lisi251]

I am so sorry for your loss we are not suppose to be without our children.
My son will be 27 in December & i cant imagine what that would do to me.

What I can tell you is your Love for him is real & so the hurt of not having him
will always be real also.Love never dies,& is somethings God promises to us.
Although your heart is broken I pray the Lord gives you the strength you need
to make it one day at a time.

I know what you mean when I think about my mothers last days It feels like
the air is being taken from me & I just cant bear it.

Maybe I to can find some comfort here..... Lisa

[PromisedLand]

My 26 year old son died 11/23/08 almost 1 year ago...not one day goes by I don't think of him...Monday would have been his 27th biirthday and that was tough enough to get through....I keep seeing visions of him lying in intensive care with all those gizmos hooked up to him, talking to him,crying my eyes out apolozing for my failures to him crying out to God "please don't take my son"...to this day and likely for ever I'll ask "why" and I don't think..no..i Know my life will never be the same..my ex wife says I'lll die of a broken heart...and she might be right...The only real comfort I get is here...Judy246 and others have been such help and God bless them for it.


Jim

[Lisi251]

I forgot to mention my mother to died in July. July 02,2006 I was also with her.

[Lisi251]

Thanks Judy for your response-wow I am so sorry you have had to endure so much.
Its so very hard.I also lost my sister & father which I thought would kill me but my
moms death has left me with a emptiness that is so huge I will never be the same.

Even little things about me that I would love to do shopping,clothes ,decorating my home
I now could care less about.Sometimes I just want to rush to sleep hoping I will dream
about her alot of times I will wake to a nightmare of her being so sick in my dream
with that terrible disease.I sometimes imagine her here.

Judy- the strange thing is alot of people can deal with this so much better than I
that I wonder sometimes if I am crazy or everyone else is & then in my mind
I know that God didnt give me just any mother but a special one that filled
my life with his most precious gift of real love& then I fill blessed because some
here on this earth search for real love & never find it & it was something I never
had to look for it was always there.So I know God says Love never dies &
that is what gets me through the next day.

Somedays are so much harder than others the day that  past,birthdays,holidays
etc... Thanks for being there

Lisa

[Judy246]

I invite you to see a picture of my mom by simply clicking on my name "Judy246" and I not only had 1 death, I had 7 deaths in an 8 month period, which included my mother, a week later, her brother in law, a week later my fiances father died, her best friend who attended her wake & burial died suddenly, my brother and wife loss their first baby 2 weeks before Christmas, my beautiful, beloved doggie child Toby died suddenly of a heart attack and I was layed off. No human being should ever have to go through what me and my family experienced in an 8 month period. Death was hanging out in my house, within my family and friends. It brought us all to our knees and I almost had to be hospitalized, because of the stress. My throat would swell as soon as I grieved or cried very dangerously tight or a shut feeling, but my faith in God gave me the strenght to get right back up and I am a survivor throught this journey called life.

[Judy246]

Hi, Lisa, my mother died July 19, 2007 in my arms from Congestive Heart failure and diabetis. My mother suffocated from the fluid in her lungs. Lisa, I will NEVER be the same, never. How can this be that my mother is dead. There is a great big spear in my heart that only God can remove. Will it ever get better, how can it? I don't know, because I am feeling the same way you are feeling and although life is moving forward and that is how our mother's wanted us to go forward, the pain of losing our mom at times is unbearable.

It hit me most at night. I call her in silence "mommy", like a small child who can't find her mom. I call her over and over. This might sound crazy, but at times I imagine myself with her cuddle in her casket. I need my mother, I don't want to live with my mom, but  I have and don't have a choice, but to live. I am holding on to my faith to help me survive this unbearable loss and will forever ask, why did my mother have to die?

We are all here to share, express, comfort, listen, grieve, hear each others pain, sorrow, advice, keep the faith and move forward knowing that one day we will see our mom's again in God's time....Judy