Loss of a Father

[laurawest]

I just lost my father who was my rock. It was something that i always knew would happen but it is a lot harder that i thought it was going to be. All i want to do is lay in bed and cry. I am lost. How can i break out of this... I know give it time but i need tips or ideas.

[ki_chris]

My dad died in 2004 from aggressive small cell cancer.  He had esophagial cancer in 2000 and had his stomach removed, he lost about 130lbs. (he was a big guy, almost 300lbs)  and was fine for 4 years.  He had arthritis from being so heavy for many years, and he had back surgery to remove spurs in his spine that had started to pinch his spinal cord.  After all that he was fine.  Then he said he felt like he had the flu.  His hip had been bothering him too.  We took him to the VA clinic and they said here are some pain killers go home and get some rest.  One week later we're in the ER and they said "here are some pain killers, go home and get some rest"  Another week and we went to Westside VA hosp. in Chicago.  They did an exray and said "hmm, you have a bone degenerative disorder"  thats right you guessed it, "here are some pain killers, go home and get some rest"  By then he was in terrible pain in his hip and back, he'd get horribly dizzy and nauseous when sitting upright.  They said that was just stones in his ears and they'd go away.  Finally the 4th time he couldn't even move with out screaming and wretching.  Had to call an ambulance to get him and they took him to the ER.  That doctor was the only one who said "I don't know" and sent him to Hines VA hosp up near Loyola.  We got him settled and drove 3hrs to get back home.  About 3am the doctors called us and said that they did a partial CT scan and his head was full of tumors.  They put in a shunt that night or he'd have died then.  After that the doctors gave him 6 weeks.  He died exactly that later at home where he wanted to be.  
I avoided going home to my parents house after that.  It was too painfull to walk in the house and expect to see him sitting in his chair and him not being there.  Hospice had said one of us needed to learn to give him a shot of sedative in case he needed it and they couldn't get to our house till the morning.  The day that he died, he was on a morphine pump and though he wasn't concious we could tell he was in pain from his sounds.  I was so afraid to give him the shot because I know that its the morphine that kills them before the cancer really does.  I was afraid that little bit of sedative would be the little push he needed to finally pass away.  I felt really guilty for a long time for giving him that shot.  I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after he died.  I think if it hadn't been for my son, I'd have really lost myself in my grief.  I still feel guilty sometimes, I see a truck and think "Hey there's Dad!"  then remember he's gone.  Or something great will happen and I can't wait to call Dad and tell him and I remember.  I think that it will hurt forever, its been 3 years that he's been gone.  But I can talk about him without crying, and I can laugh about funny stories.  It will always hurt that my kids will never know him and he will never walk me down the aisle.  It takes time and after a while the hurting won't be as sharp.  I think also that, things do happen for a reason.  Man did I HATE it when people would say that!  But I didn't have a strong faith in God before my dad passed and I really got serious about finding God after, I know that I want to see him again one day.  I think that accepting Christ helped me heal alot too.

[tlessary]

Um ok I ma going to be straight foward. It will hurt forever I am afraid. My dad had lung cancer that spread.My mom died in 2000 at the age of 63 and i was 27 with two kids a single parentshew as hospice. I moved back in to help my dad take care of her. Then after she died I stayed because my dad did not want to be alone. How could I move out? I also had a fiance my dad begged to move in with all of us. He did. We got married and lived with my dad. Then my dad found out he had lung cancer the week my husband found out he had a tumor in his chest. My husband his fine and I took care of my Term. Ill father for two years with my husband and kids. I got pregnant and my father went down hill. He was put on Hospice I took him to chemo and radiation held the trash can for him as he got sick then it got to where my mornign sickness hit so I held the can for us both. He decided to stop chemo and radiation he said it is too much too make your self feel like **** all the time. He got to feeling better after he stopped plus he was ready to die. He got to go to Arizona with his brother and my aunt my sisters mom one last time. They went to the big car races every year. He was planning his month trip to England when he put down his deposit for it a day later he said the cancer had grown. He was very int une with his body. Sure enough it had spread to his brain and stomach. He did  agamm knife twice on the ones in his brain. Of course I took him and once again on Hospice. I drained his lung for him everyday. I had the baby two weeks early due to very high blood pressure because of stress i am sure. I had the baby in June he died in Aug. I would so di it again. It was two years this Sept.Even though I was with him daily it never really dawned on me he would actually die. He was my hero i thought he would live forever. Even as my sisters and I watched him take his last breath and the funeral home came and picked him up it still did not hit. It hit a year later after I moved to Alaska. It hit big time. I did not get out of bed for a couple of months it was like I was waiting for him to come back from one of his trips to his sisters or  hunting or soemthing. Then one day it was oh he is never coming back and how the hell did I get to Alaska? He really is gone. I never saw my dad as old either. He died at the age of 78 a week after his birthday.He still in my memories looks to be thirty something. I love tot ell my kids remember when papa did this ir always said this the baby will see a picture of him and say that is my papa he is my angel. I can't not think about him with out crying still but the kids say it is ok they cry too. I will always miss him and feel the hurt in my heart but my plan is to one day see him again. I never eally went to church before or really thought about god but because of my dad I do go to church becuase I would like to be with him again. to me my dad was perfect even though he was not, he was my hero, my love, my best friend my everything. A part of me died when he did but I go on anyway and remeber him always.        

[Quinnys_Daughter]

My 79 year old father died last Saturday (17th Nov) It was his funeral yesterday.   Last Saturday morning , he was at the bus stop, laughing and joking with friends and he just dropped down dead of a heart attack.  My dad was a kind caring proper gentleman and I used to look forward to him coming to my house every Saturday for his lunch.

How final is that?   I have just overheard my husband telling his mother "She's OK she will get over it"

I feel so hurt and confused.

[papermun]

i might not have lost my dad but i believe that your dad would have wanted you to be happy if he is still around .i suggest your friend will be a good consalation .

[Killerpain]

My dad died in April.  Though he was 83 there wasn't enough warning for us to be ready or for him, as that goes.  He went for an angioplasty as he was using nitro too much.  My mom's angioplasty went well.  His blood was too thin so they sent him home to go off blood thinners.  He and my mom were worried about that and sure enough he had a stroke.  He was in the hospital recovering and all expected a recovery.  But I who live so far I have to fly to get there, had a sense that all was not well.  Though family members told me all was progressing and I didn't need to go home, I finally booked the tickets around our personal schedules.  I felt a sense of urgency but the rest of my family didn't.  I guess God was telling me.  Even my husband went and did a business trip leaving me stressed out at home and doing the planning.  Well, I was all set to go and guess what, my dad died the day before I got there.  I thought in my heart he was going to die while I was there or just after being there which is why I even prepared what clothes I would wear.  Somehow I knew.  But there was no medical indication.

I feel a lot of anger that, even though I'm a spiritual person who at the time felt God had somehow chosen to spare me seeing him in the hospital, (maybe because I knew and I wouldn't be able to be strong for him), but he didn't know, so I'm angry that God didn't let me see him alive.  Why couldn't God have held off one more day?  I hadn't seen him for 1 1/2 years as it is just too complicated and expensive to fly home.  I felt a lot of guilt it had been that long.  It was April and our plan was to go in July so it would have only been a few more months in our mind.  

I haven't been swarmed with grief that much because I live away and pretty much was used to not seeing him.  My problem is that instead of seeing him alive and remembering the fond last time we were together, I am seeing him in the coffin.  Which really wasn't him because his spirit was gone.  I don't have a "context".  I think if I had seen him trying to recover in the hospital I would have an "alive" context of him.  We should all be allowed to see our parents off, shouldn't we?

[lk2007]

My dad passed away unexpectedly about a month ago. When I first found the news, I was in a daze and just broke down. I cried all the way to the airport and on the airplane. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions - anger, sadness and confusion, just to name a few. It is amazing what a difference it makes to surround yourself with friends and family. Initially, I was skeptical telling my friends what had happened, but their support really helped me get through the difficult time.

I still cry at night because I miss my dad, especially since he did so much for our family. It'll be hard for us to celebrate birthdays and holidays without him and I'm trying my best to be as strong as I can especially since his 60th birthday is a few days away...But my friend told me to let the fortunate times I shared with my dad guide me to much happiness and success in my life...and i hope that this will help you deal with your loss...and as everyone has said on this forum ... your dad would want you to be happy and live your life to the fullest...he'll always be looking out for you...and remember, you are not alone and don't be afraid to talk to people about this...

[mutheroffive]

we lost our father this past april 07...it caused my 4 year old daughter so much stress that she rashed and is diagnosed with atopic eczema.  My mom has lost so much weight and Im afraid of losing her too, this Oct. would have been their 50th anniversary!  We are now slowly going thru the 1st of everything without him...his birthday, fathers day...He is the first to die in our family and he was the center of our worlds, I too am afraid and feel lost without him!  I am taking L-theanine which is a natural amino acid, it takes the edge off and helps me to stay focused and get out of bed.  I take time out of my day to just think about him and then I stop and move forward,  this has not been easy to do but I have to for my children to heal as well...I dont cry in front of them.  Try keeping a journal and write letters of things you remember most...I kept one while he was in the hospital, I can tell I have come a long way and that does help!  He would want you to be happy and remember him with a smile!

[BlueEyedOne]

I too lost my father, and he was my best friend and everything to me.  I agree with the others that you do just need some time, and laughter. Just try not to push it way, that is what I did, we all knew my father would not live to be 50, but I was in denial, so when he died, it just shut down...  And I never really deal with his death, untill I just had a complete breakdown about two years later.  And those two years where not fun, I was depressed, ruined a relashonship I was in and just couldnt take it anymore.  So just give yourself plenty of time to get through this, and deal with it in whatever way you can.  Surround yourself with friends and family, and know that deep down, you will be ok.  Just keep your father with you always, because thats all you can do, and eventually move on.

[suzi-q]

I lost my dad 7 years ago and I know EXACTLY how you feel.  Give yourself time to grieve.  You need that.  Feel it, and let it out.  It is the only way you can heal....but then...MOVE ON.  It is very hard to do...I was stuck for a very long time in grief.  You will know when are ready.  If you feel that is becoming an unreasonable amount of time, I would get professional help by going to a grief counselor.  I went to a grief support group when my parents passed away (they died within 4 months of each other...it was terrible).  it was so helpful to me.  We cried together, we laughed together, and we all KNEW that we weren't alone.  I suggest this also.  Please be well and I wish you peace at this most difficult time...know that you aren't alone in your feelings.  Also remember, that Dad wants you to smile, but he understands that you also need time.

[strega]

How old was your Dad?  My Dad just died too.  You need to get out and do fun things.  Comedy movies may be a start.  Depending on your age group, you need to find what will make you laugh.  Laughing is a healer.  I know people who have lost parents 20 years ago and still cry when they talk about them.  You will 'adapt' to your new life as long as you realize that you must keep living and working at healing or your Dad would be upset.  I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like your Dad was a special man.   That is why you miss him.  Some day you will see him again.  IT's up to God when.  For now, make your Dad proud.