With Mother's Day coming I am just in tears over everything. I lost my momma Sept 07' and she was my very best friend in this whole world. Nothing has been the same since. I feel guilty about wishing she would die (it was cancer) I feel responsible for her dying. I begged a nurse to put her out...I literally got on my knees and begged her to give more meds to make the painful moaning stop. Then, momma just went to sleep. Now I wanna take it back so damn bad. I know it's selfish but I need my momma! I was only 28 when she passed. On top of that I have 2 boys and the week after she passed I got pregnant with my first daughter. She was supposed to be there when she was born. I can't stop crying lately. I don't know what to do. I just have no motivation other than trying to put on a good face for my kids and take them to their games. I hate that I need to feel "fake" in front of people while I am screaming on the inside. How do I cope? I lost my DAMN momma! Will I always feel this empty? Does it last forever? If it does, it's a good thing I have my kids b/c I really don't feel like going on anymore. If you made it this far thank you for reading and any advice or support is appreciated :)
I would like to say so very much right now, but I don't have the time...but I would like to say this...
Yes, the pain does get easier...it has been 8 years for my mom...you will miss her forever, but you learn to live with it and accept it. Things will never be the same again, but you CAN be happy again...and you will be.
Get rid of the guilt...the should haves, could haves, etc....it is what it is...you loved your mother and you did what you needed to do to cope with it. I totally understand that you felt relief when she passed. You didn't want to see her in pain, and you couldn't emotionally take it anymore either...think about it...you loved her so COMPLETELY that you HURT right along with her...there is nothing to feel guilty about. You do not have the power to take her life...it was God who wanted her...not you who wished her away....
You are not alone...however, if you are in such deep grief please seek the help of a professional...it isn't fair for you or for your children.
Please stop blaming yourself for her death. You knew there was nothing that could be done for her and all that was left was comfort care. Very often, children in these type of situations want the suffering to end. I did the same thing for my own Mother. I didn't want her to die, I wanted her suffering to end. You need to stop feeling guilty.
It took me several years to come to terms with my Mother's death. Probably close to three to four until I really got it through my head that there was little I could do about her dying. I didn't make her sick. I had to make some decisions about her healthcare and looking back, I don't know if they were the right ones but I did make these decisions and did the best I could at that time.
I am sure your Mother would not want you to feel guilty for wanting her suffering to end. That is a selfless form of love. Remember, we are all here only for a visit, and that is something I recall my Mother saying many, many, times. It's time to begin remembering her during your best times together and as time passes, you will be able to do this with a smile.
We have something in common, we loss our mom 2 months apart. My mom died July 07, and there are no words to describe the pain, grief, sorrow and life changing event that has resulted in losing mom. She died in my arms of congestive heart failure, but I not only loss my mother, I had 7 death's back to back within a 6 month period. I became physically sick. I couldn't cry, because my throat would dangerously swell and my brother wife loss his first child 2 weeks before christmas 07.
First, cancer took your mother's life, not you. If you wanted mom to die, it was not because you were feeling burdened, it was becaused you loved her so much that you couldn't bare to see you beloved mother in pain and suffering. Your comments and feelings were out of love.
As you can see, I'm still here for support, but remember that you are an extention of your beloved mother and death can never take that away....death can't take the eternal love and bond that you have. Look in the mirror and see your mom within you (her hair, nose, eyes, feet, fingers, ets.)...you are an extention of her and she wants you to live a full, happy and healty life and one day in God's time, your mom is going to come running to you from the gates of heaven and be the guiding light and show you the way.
She is just a dimention away and is in a place where we can only imagine, so go out there and make your mom proud and simply live.
Rest easy, it's going to be alright, one step at a time...Judy
My beloved mother has been dead 4 years now, the anniversary was April 14. That horrible "sting" does get better, but, you never sill stop missing her or needing her. Not a day goes by that I do not think of my mother and wish I could share things with her. I think it is a hurt that does not truly ever leave completely.
Please, don't feel guilty for your thoughts, you were concerned for her and the pain the cancer was causing, you did not mean it to be nasty. I, too, feel guilt over the fact that I was not with my mother the hour she died, I just have a hard time forgiving myself. However, if you mother is like my mother, she would NOT want you to feel this guilt. I don't know your Christian beliefs, but, if you are a Christian, then I truly believe that Satan is putting this guilt in you, so, fight it and know you cared so much for your mother and our Lord knows you did and so does she.
Judy wrote a lovely comment, keep re-reading it, she is a great help to those of us who are grieving over our beloved mothers.
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