Missing my baby

[Mouthymom]

  I lost my daughter to kidney failure almost 5 years ago. She was 3 months old and she was my youngest. Her death ended my marriage to her father and we never spoke again. I have since remarried but I can't cry about her in front of him cause he says " Here we go again, your still hanging on to this,,,,get over it already" I talk about her to my family but still haven't gotten over that fact that she is really gone...I don't know how to deal with this and have him say hurtful things

[suzi-q]

No, you  are no doctor, and life happens. You have surviveed and you will continue too!  Find the help you need anfd the rest will follow.  Every day is a new dAY!  

[Mouthymom]

Thank you all so much....things are still hard but I will not think of harming myself ,,,i have 3 other beautiful children that I love and wouldn't dare hurt myself to leave them....i talk about her everyday especially to my mom cause she lost her too....we talk about what she would look like and things but the pain is so great and the if's are there too...Like what if I would've seen some sort of sign or done something different to keep her here with me but I know that I am no doctor and I can't blame myself...but thanks again for all your support

[suzi-q]

I totally believe that everyone grieves in their own way.  And I believe that you will do it in your own way.  The thing that troubles me is that you still "can't believe that she is gone".  There are many stages of grief until you get to acceptance...you seem to be stuck in the denial stage and you need help to keep moving through.  I suggest that you get into counseling and a grief group for parents who have lost children.  Only those who have lost a child can truly understand what you are going through and only those can truly help.  I went to grief counseling when my parents passed and it was the best thing that I ever did to help me through the stages of grief.  I pray for you that God will grant you strength comfort and peace.

[kjd81]

Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve.  You do what you need to do to handle the situation.  You lost your child and you have every right to cry about it, talk about, yell about it, or whatever you feel you need to do.  I lost my baby July 27, 2004, she also had kidney failure and many other problems, like being born at 25 weeks gestation and haveing cystic fibrosis.  I still cry sometimes, there is nothing wrong with crying, in fact I believe you should cry if you feel it.  You will alyways miss your baby and always remember her, you DO NOT need to get over it.  This is not something you need to get over, and the only reason I would even consider a counselor is if you ever feel like you want to harm yourself or others.  You are completely normal to want to remember and grieve the loss of your daughter.  I'm sorry that your husband cannot understand what you are going through, that's not right for him to want you to just get over it, he needs to respect how you deal with it.  I really hope that you always will want to think of your baby and know that it is normal to miss her FOREVER!  But with time, things do get easier, but you never get over it.  I have talked to women who had lost their babies 20 years ago and still think about them from time to time and even cry sometimes, it's all normal as long as you are not trying to harm yourself.  You are in my thoughts and I hope that some of this will help you to know that what you are feeling is normal.

[sammy1173]

hey mouthymum. you know what frustrates me.. is how frustrated others get when you talk about your baby. i lost my baby girl at 27 weeks pregnant. i've had people say well at least you didn't bond with her and allsorts. what i wanna say is i did bond with her, she was my baby who grew in my tummy, who kicked me and who i gave birth to and had to give to someone to take and never see again! as for talking about our babies too much, well she is my proudest achievement and i'll talk about her till i have no breath left! if people fell awkward and don't know what to say or feel its been along time... then, they just need to imagine what its like for us, eating sleeping abd breathing it every second of eveyday! i get up eveyday, thats progress, but from the moment you lose your little one in any kind of way. your life changes forever, some days you cope better than others but it never goes away. as you know only too well. losing my little one is soul destroying i cannot imagine how you cope, but you are and if it takes you the rest of your life, thats acceptabe, as for your new hubby, i won't put what i want to say as you obviously love him, but i couldn't be with someone with that here we go again attitude!! take care darling, your in my thoughts

[slow_healer]

Mouthymom, think about seeing a counsellor. It sounds like after 5 years, you're still feeling this loss like it happened yesterday. Somewhere along the grieving process you've gotten stuck and (for whatever reason) you're unable to get to the next part. A counsellor would probably be your best bet in giving this situation the attention it needs for you find acceptance and move forward with your life. It doesn't mean you have to forget, but years of your life are passing by and this is still eating you up inside.

Your husband's comments, though insensitive, sound very reflective of how often you talk about this. I'm sure your friends and family feel similar, but since no one knows how to help you and you've not moving on, the people close to you are probably getting frustrated. I think men find it especially hard to deal with this, because they want to fix it and make it better, and each time you talk about it you're reminding them that they can't make anything better. Please consider talking to a counsellor.