Mother Died and Im Losing It

[wishiknewbetter]

Hi all,

My mother died a few months ago, right in the middle of my soph year of college. 2 days after the funeral I went back and finished the semester(6weeks). While I was there I got sick and googled the symptoms and thought I had HIV. I was told that I did not, that I did not have the symptoms and that I was overreacting. After that moment I became fanatical about my health, thinking that I had every disease under the sun. I went to the emergency room three times this summer because of minor things and since I dont have insurance(mother was only parent) its a little expensive. Well now I was stupid a few weeks ago and a man tried to have anal sex with me. It would not really go in, and it lasted 30 seconds but now my underarm hurts, and Im freaking out. Im not sure if this is a pain that I have experienced before and am just overreacting now or if its a problem.

Also the doctors say that all my freaking out is normal, that I will be ok, and that I just need to breathe but I dont feel normal. I dont see anyone else in my family acting like this(i guess they dont see it in me either) but has anyone else been through this anxiety, fear of dying, fear of disease issue.

I cant seek professional help until I go back to college cuz that is where I will have health insurance.

[ChronicCaroline]

My mom also passed away, the sadest day of my life because there was no underlying illness or life threatning that caused her death. My dad went to go wake her up for dinner and she was blue. Paramedics arrived and said she passed at least an hour ago, there is no way to save her. I will never forget the phone call from my dad, It was like he spoke a different language. I rushed home demanded to see her, the officer told me you don't want the way she looks now to be the last memory of your mom, she was right.
My best friend, my mommy, my everything was gone and I could do nothing about it. I was living with my parents with my two toddlers because my loser ex sold a bunch of marijuana and he went to fed prison, and the kids and I had nothing. The DEA took it all, I was still recovering from that heartbreak, along came the worst ever. My heart was broken beyond repair for a long time, it was so hard to be happy around my kids when inside I was mess. When I had no way to get away I would have to lock myself in a room and cry so I wouldn't scare my kids.
Sounds like what you were dealing with post-traumatic stress there is no specific symptoms, everyone is emotionally built different. People grieve in so many different ways, it may not seem like your grieving but you realize time passes and your like...oh okay...I can do this.
In my opinion people say as time passes your heart will heal. NOT FOR ME! She passed in 2004 and I miss her and need her more than ever now each year it seems to get a little more worse, at times. I still function and handle business.
Whats odd is I have just been diagnosed with two same autoimmune disorders she had. At least I have prior knowledge and know a little of what to expect.
Your gonna be okay, and your coping in your way. God Bless!

[Wolfwind]

Oh my wonderful child, I can feel your pain so much my eyes are filled with tears. My mother and best friend died two years ago just before Christmas, and immediatly I found out she had written me out of the will and gave her whole estate (1/2 million dollars to some young drifter guy that befriended her) My older brother and sister turned thier backs on me, and played games with me. I found out that my mom had been hospitalized 5 days before her death and no one in the family told me. This was twice in two years. The first time my mom told me she didn't want me to know, because she was afraid I would drop out of college!  Well my mom died at home within 16 hours of being released into the care of this dirt bag, and I can't even get law enforcement to investigate it. I have filed two lawsuits to try and tye up the family business and my mothers estate to protect myself and everything our grandmother had left our family. Of course my siblings are fighting me so they can lose everything I guess.  I made it through college and graduated with honors, and when I walked across the stage I fell apart in bittersweet tears, because my mom wanted to be there so much.  I have been so depressed that for months I couldn't even walk across the kitchen, I shuffled and just wanted to die. I have had pains and thought I had cancer, and lost of other problems, and am still trying to find out what is wrong with me. I know that depression and saddness, can cause what is called "somatic" symptoms or body symptoms, like illness, pain ect.  I know that the more I think about my fear of being ill or hurt the worse I get, so I just had to LIVE! I finallly took a chance to go to work, and have a wonderful job helping homeless people. It is what has kept me from going crazy.  I got my degree in Social Work and actually started working with metally ill kids before the job I have now. I have hope for myself that I will someday be able to grieve the loss of my mom, and my family and the betrayal I have felt, but for now just writing to you has helped me so much because hopefully I can share some of your pain with you, and know that neither of us is alone. I try to remember that my mother really loved me, and would never do anything to hurt me, and think of what she would have me do through all of this, the thing I think is, my mom and probably yours would be proud of you for finishing your schooling, and to take your education and do well for yourself and others to make her proud.

[Tara41]

I had to respond to your comment, My neice passed away ten years ago,(she had cystic fibrosis) shortly after, I became very obsessive about my health, eventually it calmed down, and would just come and go..Five years after she died, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer, and she suffered with this disease for a year..
I had such a hard time being around her and watching her suffer. I guess i didnt want to believe that she was dying..In the end I was able to care for her alot more , and spent alot more time with her..I have eight sisters, and one brother, we all helped my wonderful mom go through the hardest pain...I think towards the end of her life I was pretty numb. When she passed away in July of 2003, I was glad that she was no longer suffering. Though i didnt really think about the lose. I tried to run from it I guess.

I met my second husband three months later and started dating him. Six months into the relationship he was diagnosed with Hep c. We struggled through the interferon drugs, and he became free from the hep c, but the side effects from this horrible drug caused him to become sicker. One of these side effects was diverticulitis flare ups or infections..We were at the ER about every six months after we got married. He was going for colonoscopies every six months also. Finally , after a really bad infection that almost killed him. The doctors decided to do surgery. I felt like i was reliving my mom's illness all over again and i began getting stomach pain myself.

It was mainly just gas pains, (nothing real painful) but i thought for sure i had colon cancer or maybe ulcerative collitis...so off to the doctor i went...He said it was anxiety and put me on nexium and lexapro.,..After about two months of daily fears..I finally feel better...

    I swore that i would never take anti depressents, but i really think that they are working along with seeing my phyciatrist and my councelor..

   My husband is doing better now. the surgery was a sucess except for a few problems..But I realize now that i missed my mom more then i knew, that I never really greived that lose..I thought that i could run from the pain, and play out the part...But it was a deep lose and i also write to my mom and about my mom...which was suggested above...I also know that she is in a better place, according to my beliefs and that i will see her again...meanwhile i need to live my life, not waste it worrying...

[Starqueen]

My mom died early this year from cancer.  She  passed away exactly one year from the day her doctor gave us the grim news.  I miss her terribly.  I took care of her during the entire year of her suffering.  It was a very difficult time for me.  It was so hard to watch the person you loved the most literally wilt infront of your eyes.  I still have visions of her gasping during the last 3 days of her life.  It was pure torture for me. She was my best friend.  She still is.  Sometimes I find myself talking to her as if she was still around me.  This happens when I am depressed.  I used to run and hug her when I am upset with the world.  I am 43 and married but I will always be her little girl and she will always be my "baby" girl.  I loved taking care of her in every aspect since I have started to become financially independendent in my late 20s.  That was why she was my "baby."  These days - I have to believe that God exists. I have to believe that he is taking care and looking after her.  I have been a Catholic all my life.  Since her death, I needed my faith to lean on.  My husband is great - he is also my best friend.  No one though can replace my mother.  I miss her so much.  I do not think the pain will ever go away.  Heaven help me.

[kaznev]

I volunteer at a Hospice so grief is something that occurs often.  There are many different therapies that may help you.  One is writing.  You could write to whomever you have lost, your mom, your friends, anyone, and tell them how you feel.  Write down the good stuff and the bad.  You will cry, but releasing the tears is theraputic.  Another is music therapy.  Here you can listen to music or play an instrument.  When you get angry, and you will, thump a pillow as hard as you can and as often as you want.  You may find this silly at first, but the release of emotions is crucial otherwise you will become ill.  It may take you three years to grieve and at times you will think you are recovering and then you may get extremely upset again.  When you have reached the point where you cannot see how you can cope anymore, you will be close to recovering.  The despair will be great at times, but you can get through it.  Hospice may be able to help with grief counselling so you may want to look there for help.  Losing someone close to you if very hard but you can get through it.  My heart goes out to you.  When you feel like shutting the door on the world, don't.  Get out and get some sunshine and fresh air.  It is important to avoid personality disorders that can occur now.  Talk to anyone, even if you get yourself a pet.  A pet is often helpful because you can talk to it and it won't answer back, and you can stroke it leading to you getting more endorphins, which is the 'feel good' factor in the brain.  Some people also contact mediums, I won't say if this is right or wrong, but they find comfort this way.  If you want to find comfort this way then spiritualist churches give readings for free.  If you are religious and feel this is wrong, then believe that you will see your mom again!  If neither of these apply then try the writing or music.  You can get through this.  

[billstrong1969]

I lost my Mom in an automobile accident in 1994.  I was 20 and she was 42.  I was living in LA at the time and the rest of my family including my Mom lived here in Minnesota.  My sister called at 5:30am crying saying there's been an accident and Mom didn't make it.  I was in shock!  I had just spoke to hear on the phone over an hour a couple of days prior to the accident.  You know everyone deals with grief differently.  I myself dealt with drug addiction years after that.  Never really had a fear of dying but have found as I get older (38 yrs old now) that I worry that I may not be living as healthy as I could be.  I smoke a pack and a half of cigarettes a day, have an opiate habit, and probably have high cholesterol.  I go in for a screening tomorrow for blood sugar and cholesterol.  I also just lost a dear friend of mine on Sunday so the best I can say is try to take care of yourself the best that you can and everything else will work out.  Having someone in your life ie: partner/boyfriend helps too.  Smile!

Bill