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My mum died this week, my best friend
I dont know what to do. I don't now how to be. I feel like someone has wrenched a major organ from my body. My mum was old and very ill. She lived with me for 15 years. 6 weeks ago I had no choice but to give in. Couldn't do 24/7 nursing so had to agree to her going to a nursing home.
That was a loss in itself and I was just getting over the change, packing her stuff etc., when we had a call to go straight to the hospital. The end. I just feel I let her down and if she'd been with me she would have still been here as I knew every eyelash. They were very kind in the home and she had her own nurse and everyone loved her. I can't believe i won't see her any more. I want to hit someone but have no energy. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I have M.E. (C.F.S) myself and abucket of prescribed meds including antidepressants.
I can't understand how my sister can get dressed up and go out. I know she is devastated too but she can socialise and put on a face. I can't. My heartbreak is visible and i can't stop the tears. I'm O.K for about 5 mins then suddenly I can't speak and the tears just roll down my face. Someone has said to me that I can't lay down all my life and have to live my life. But it's DAYS! Now i feel guilty for grieving. A doctor friend said said to let the Rivers of Babylon flow! He said now i have to look after me because Mum would have wanted that. I know my family are themselves grieving but they don't want to see me like this, I don't want to hurt them, but I can't help it. Also, the messages i'm getting are that I can now get up and get on with my life. They've forgotten about my very disabling condition and I'm scared that soon there won't be any understanding but just bitterness and anger because I can't jump through the hoop.I am so tired. 2.30am uk. I'll try to go sleep. Thank you .
That was a loss in itself and I was just getting over the change, packing her stuff etc., when we had a call to go straight to the hospital. The end. I just feel I let her down and if she'd been with me she would have still been here as I knew every eyelash. They were very kind in the home and she had her own nurse and everyone loved her. I can't believe i won't see her any more. I want to hit someone but have no energy. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I have M.E. (C.F.S) myself and abucket of prescribed meds including antidepressants.
I can't understand how my sister can get dressed up and go out. I know she is devastated too but she can socialise and put on a face. I can't. My heartbreak is visible and i can't stop the tears. I'm O.K for about 5 mins then suddenly I can't speak and the tears just roll down my face. Someone has said to me that I can't lay down all my life and have to live my life. But it's DAYS! Now i feel guilty for grieving. A doctor friend said said to let the Rivers of Babylon flow! He said now i have to look after me because Mum would have wanted that. I know my family are themselves grieving but they don't want to see me like this, I don't want to hurt them, but I can't help it. Also, the messages i'm getting are that I can now get up and get on with my life. They've forgotten about my very disabling condition and I'm scared that soon there won't be any understanding but just bitterness and anger because I can't jump through the hoop.I am so tired. 2.30am uk. I'll try to go sleep. Thank you .
Best Answer
I am so sorry about your mother. This is one of the most difficult losses, and you need to be patient with yourself and grieving. Everyone handles grieving in their own way. Some pretend that everything's okay and it hits them years down the road. Never feel guilty for grieving, it's the healthy thing to do. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, we're all different, and should not judge others in their mourning. When people tell you to get on with your life, they're only trying to help and are concerned for you. What your mother wants most is for you to move on and live a happy life, a life to make her proud. But you don't have to rush into this, take it one day at a time. Try talking to everyone, you're all grieving and I think it's time to support each other in every way. It will get easier.....I promise. But now the family needs to pull together. I wish you all the best and take care.
It's so sad what happens to a family when mum passes on. You are but one person and can only do so much, so don't put too much pressure on yourself to do more. Don't worry about the ring, your mum is watching and will see what matters most to who. You're more about having lost your mum than anything else, don't add more stress to your life. You have the most valuable thing in the world, your memories of your mum and times spent together, you'll carry these forever. But even with a Will you need to get an attorney involved to make sure it's carried out appropriately, has anyone done this? You will feel better and sleep better when the antidepressants kick in, so be patient. Hold onto your spiritual beliefs, your mum is safe and warm and in a good place. When you can't sleep try journaling your feelings and emotions, it a good form of release for us, and has helped me immensely in the past. The family needs a mediator like an attorney to help with all of this, I hope this can be done. Your sister can't just take the ring, she has to go by the Will. Try to get some rest, and stay in touch. Big hugs and I'll be thinking of you.
Hi there. It's ok because it has been like a war zone here with so many people grieving in different ways. For me, It still feels unreal . I'm exhausted but can't sleep, pushing myself to get my home in order - as you said, I think it's probably a way of cleansing as well as being able to at least have control over something and letting out the anger and adrenalin. I can only do a little at a time (CFS) but better than nothing.
the nights are the worst. I can't sleep (4.30am uk), but I'm so tired.
This is something I've had as a symptom of my condition but it's been much better for ages until now.
I have had to be quite firm with my family who think that because mum's gone, so has my debilitating condition, and they've been suggesting mad things like swimming, going to the gym etc., when I can just about get out of the door, and even then only some days.
In spite of my anti depressants i am depressed but I'll carry on with them because they will kick in in a week or so.
My sister is taking no notice of Mum's will. Everyone's screaming at me to stand up for myself but, quite honestly, I'm not bothered. None of us have got much in the first place so if she wants the one financially valuable thing (big diamond ring) let her have it. I feel peaceful that I have Mum's ring which she wore all the time. I've lost my mum. Of course some extra would come in very handy but so what? I just think to myself that if Mummy was still here nobody would have it anyway.
I just hope that all the spiritual beliefs I've held for so long are really true.I just keep thinking of my pretty little mum all cold and lonely and dirty. I know it's morbid, I can't help it.
It's the night when it's really worse, I feel so lonely when everyone else is asleep.
I'd better try again, I can hardly see. Thanks for listeningx
the nights are the worst. I can't sleep (4.30am uk), but I'm so tired.
This is something I've had as a symptom of my condition but it's been much better for ages until now.
I have had to be quite firm with my family who think that because mum's gone, so has my debilitating condition, and they've been suggesting mad things like swimming, going to the gym etc., when I can just about get out of the door, and even then only some days.
In spite of my anti depressants i am depressed but I'll carry on with them because they will kick in in a week or so.
My sister is taking no notice of Mum's will. Everyone's screaming at me to stand up for myself but, quite honestly, I'm not bothered. None of us have got much in the first place so if she wants the one financially valuable thing (big diamond ring) let her have it. I feel peaceful that I have Mum's ring which she wore all the time. I've lost my mum. Of course some extra would come in very handy but so what? I just think to myself that if Mummy was still here nobody would have it anyway.
I just hope that all the spiritual beliefs I've held for so long are really true.I just keep thinking of my pretty little mum all cold and lonely and dirty. I know it's morbid, I can't help it.
It's the night when it's really worse, I feel so lonely when everyone else is asleep.
I'd better try again, I can hardly see. Thanks for listeningx
i just write you a long long letter but cant find it now. Thank you. i hope youreceived itxxx
It's okay for your family to see you grieving, it validates what they are feeling. It's good that everyone is expressing themselves, but maybe all of you need to sit down and talk to each other about your feelings. Your cleaning is your way of dealing with this. You're thinking "why save this stuff?" I went thru this when I lost my parents, I saw things they saved and never got the benefits of saving them, and I cleaned house. We can do odd things when grieving and so long as it makes you feel better and doesn't hurt anyone else...have at it! I think the family needs to realize that your mom would want all of you to unite as a family, and do your best to move on and be happy. All of you live lives that make her proud and happy, allowing her to live on in all of you. It's a great tribute to her! Have everyone write down what they enjoyed most about her, and discuss it. You'll cry and you'll laugh, but you'll also become closer and realize that all of you are grieving. The 6 year old is too young to understand all of this and needs some ressurance that nanny is watching over him/her and loves them very much. Now is not the time for you to question why you do what you do, if you like the pretty boxes that chocolates come in...so what? Big hugs to you.
I am really "Sorry" for Your loss, it is hard enough dealing with grief without feeling as though You have lost two people at once Your mother and Your best friend and without placing the blame on Yourself.
The fact is You helped Your mother so much when she was alive and You could not have stopped her death. You did the best You could to keep her alive and for Years You made her life even though she was ill worth living.
It might help if You see a therapist, there are counsellors specialised in dealing with loss and grief.
You are a good person
The fact is You helped Your mother so much when she was alive and You could not have stopped her death. You did the best You could to keep her alive and for Years You made her life even though she was ill worth living.
It might help if You see a therapist, there are counsellors specialised in dealing with loss and grief.
You are a good person
Thank you so much for your reply. The trouble is, daughters, sons in law and baby grandkids all loved her so much that everyone is down and devastated, upset and angry.I am trying not to paint smiles (can't anyway) but if you've seen the musical "grease" , the" play it cool" bit, that's what it's like in my house at the moment.Even the 6 yr old is ranting about it's not fair, I love my nanny, I want to go and get her back NOW.
Also, why do I want to clean and get rid of all the rubbish? I can't do it (C.F.S), but if I had the energy I'd be throwing away all the nonsense that i never look at and that I've had for years. I'm such a womble usually and keep empty choc boxes cos they're pretty. Can't understand myself.x
Also, why do I want to clean and get rid of all the rubbish? I can't do it (C.F.S), but if I had the energy I'd be throwing away all the nonsense that i never look at and that I've had for years. I'm such a womble usually and keep empty choc boxes cos they're pretty. Can't understand myself.x
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