Pre Grief

[etaxitpo]

I apologize if I should not be asking this question on this forum.  

My mother has advanced ovarian cancer (wow I just typed that).  We have been battling for about a year and a half.  I cry and I feel like I am already grieving the loss.

I also feel bad because I pray for a change in the situation, but I still have this pre-grief thing going on.  Is this normal?  I am an only child so for me this is my worst fear because I feel like my life will cease as I know it without my mom.  We are so close that these words do not do our relationship justice.

I need some advice help.

[mat1956]

Hi. I came across this site as I normally do all of them by just scanning. Yes these feelings are normal. They show that you are in a grieving stage. You know, short of a miracle that your mom will be passing soon. I have worked as a hospice nurse for 2 1/2 years. That did not prepare me for what I will say. Losing my mother suddenly on Christmas Day '06 and losing my Dad in 7/91. I in no way am comparing the loss I feel. to what you may be feeling. What I can tell you is if your mom wants to talk, listen and talk to her. Sometimes it's hard and we want to wait. Enjoy the days you have and live them to their fullest.Accept any help offered. If asked tell what people can do for you. I always told my patients and their families "we never give up hope, but we will know when to let go."The death of my son 10 years ago is what led me to this site. Even when I think about as I write this I start to cry. I must do it privately because my husband doesn't understand. Do talk about your feelings. From what I have read, this forum is a blessing to all who participate. May you be blessed with strength in the days you face ahead. Hugs.

[SimplyStar]

You know me hun, how can I tell you that grief  has to be faced?  I knew with Leslee for months that I would lose her,  The last weeks were really bad, but we built on our love then, more than ever,  There is absolutly no way  that  grief can be borne in any kind of dignity, it just has to come out.  With my Mom, I missed her telephone calls for years,  With Leslee is is still so new that I am just like a kind of shell waiting to be filled.  Even the memories hurt, I am sure that time will help,  I have no one to blame or get mad at, just a complete loss of a daughter that I loved so very much.  Hang on the the ladies in the forum, they understand and it will help you.. Ovarian cancer is a cruel disease, it destroys the woman in us. Build on that love for your Mom, and it does help in the days to come.  They say Love conquors all,, I know that it has helped me to know,  how we both felt, before that last breath.  Love ya  Marty  

[etaxitpo]

I would like to thank everyone for your words of encouragement.  I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for letting me know that my abnormal feeling is actually normal.

[MsSam]

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, but I am able to relate to it completely.   My mother battled ovarian cancer for 3 years before she died.  First let me emphasize that no matter how challenging a medical diagnosis may be, your mom is alive and fighting it, and healings and spontaneous remissions happen and are real.   Miracles happen everyday and only God knows the date and time that any of us will depart this earth.  I'm very realistic and I understand what doctors may be telling you, but I believe each person has their own path and their own fate with any given disease.  Nothing is ever written is stone in terms of how something will turn out.

Your "pre-grief" feeling is very normal and many people in your situation experience it, myself included.  I believe it is a mechanism within our spirits that help adjust and better accept the great loss that may succeed it.  Having said that, the only thing I share with you is how I dealt with it.  I woke up every morning, prayed, asked for guidance and the best way to love and help my mother.  Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling and need to feel for that day.  Call a trusted friend or someone who loves you and release some of your feelings.  Having someone to listen to you is a great comfort.  Anything you are feeling is normal.

I wish you all the best.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[jml1986]

It is completely normal to grieve now, just don't let it keep you from building the wonderful memories that you can still build whiles she is alive, you will need those memories when she is gone. Also, do not feel bad for holding on to hope. Miracles happen everyday, and you do not want to live with the guilt that you gave up on your mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[kipland]

Having lost my mom this past February, I'm going to tell you that nothing is going to prepare you for losing her.  Even if she didn't have this nasty disease, if the circle of life goes as it should - there will come a day that you will be without her.  The poster that said "I went to bed one person, and woke up another" really put it into perspective.  It's so true.

I think it's very normal what you're feeling.  If there is any "good" that comes out of it, it's that you've had all this time to prepare.  Unfortunately, I didn't have that.  My mom was diagnosed with ovarian and liver cancer - two weeks later, she was gone.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so bad.  I don't have any magic advice to make the pain go away, and reading your post brings mine back too.  I certainly feel for you.  My relationship with my mom was very much like yours.  We were best buddies.  Losing her has been like losing my arm.  I'm still floundering trying to find a new routine without her.

The only thing I can share with you is what I wish I would have done.  If I could go back and do it all over, I wouldn't be so scared to talk about death with her.  She would sometimes bring it up before she found out she had cancer, and I'd quickly change the subject because I couldn't handle it emotionally.  I didn't want to think about it.  Yeah......like if I didn't think about it, it would never happen?  I wish I would have asked her questions like - did she want me to be with her at the end?  I wasn't.  I couldn't bear watching it.  I was scared of what I would witness.  Her favorite niece and nephew were with her when she passed.  They said it was very peaceful and the feeling in the room was incredible.  That gives me peace right there.  And the fact that I truly believe she's in a better place, and reunited with her own mother who she lost when she was only 17.

After my mom passed away, I found this book that was writted by a hospice nurse, and it had a collection of short stories of people that she cared for as they were dying.  They KNOW they're dying and she wasn't afraid to talk to them about it.  Many of these people stated that they saw angels that came to take them - loved ones that had passed before them.  I wish I would have read the book before my mom passed, because I wouldn't have been so afraid of what was going on with her those last few days.

I'm rambling now, but I just wanted to post to you and tell you how sorry I am that you and your mom are going through this.  I know how bad it hurts.  PM me if you need a shoulder.  I don't know if this post helps you or not.  I sure hope so!!

Lori

[suzi-q]

Yes, you can definitely post your concerns here.  Many people who have loved ones with terminal diseases begin the grief process long before someone is deceased.  However, is your mom's diagnosis terminal?  Is she going through treatment?  What are the doctors saying about the illness?  Please answer these questions so maybe I and others can help you.  Also, check out the other forums on this site, I think there is one for ovarian cancer.  Maybe they may have suggestions on how to deal with this illness and hopefully share many success stories.

I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time.  I lost my mom almost 8 years ago and life does change in that moment.  As one poster once said, I went to bed one person and woke up another.  

Your feelings are very real and are very normal.  We pray for the best and hope for a cure, but at the same time, our minds travel down that dark road of "what if.." and you feel the pain of the loss long before it happens.

Please give me an update on your mom's condition and I pray for you to get all good news.  

[Cath278]

Im so so sorry to hear your pain. I wish I could hug you.I ve had a lot of loss and grief in my life and I do understand. My brother was dying for 8 weeks and we went through all the emotions, up one day down the next.I went to bed crying and woke up crying,  This is what I would call the pre-grief. When he died, 31yrs old, I thought you couldnt cry anymore,.You can. Yet, I think in a way it helped me , in my heart to let go that bit easier. A beautiful friend of mine was killed ,in a car accident last Sept and I was in a state of shock for months. It was very hard to accept and I had so many wishes.
Try not to lose any special time with your Mom now by being too upset. Embrace your time together, make it count.You said it yourself that one fear is the loss and change of your life right now. of course you are grieving that to. It is so normal, everything you are feeling is un-fortunately normal.Take heart, only some one lucky enought to love that much can feel this pain. And who knows? i believe in miracles. I will keep you and your Mom in my prayers. Cath278