Question for caregivers of elderly parent, spouse, sibling, etc...

I was a caregiver for my 75 year old dad,  and was there through the whole process of his death.  Over the course of months I saw him deterierate terribly... stopped eating... couldn't barely get from his recliner to the bathroom to bed on his own. I was there when he couldn't eat anymore,  he had a stroke,  seemed in general like he was suffering even though hospice helped his pain and fear with medication....  He died a week and 4 days ago,  and I'm still in complete disbelief.  Its painful,  and scary to think about the whole process he went though,  and the thought that he's actually gone now and not in pain anymore isn't at all a comfort to me as bad as that might sound.

How long did such an intense grief last for you?  I can't do this much longer.  

[Judy246]

I held my mother when she passed July 19, 2007.  It is one of the most life changing events I have experienced and wish upon no one.  It was hell and my family and I still struggle with the reality that my mom is gone (dead).  It has been 2 yrs for me and It still feels like she just recently died and the reality of it all is surreal.

I have my elderly father 84 yrs. old and I know I will go through this again and it scares me.  Please find comfort in knowing you were the best daughter and gave your father that comfort that he was not alone.  Death is raw and unmerciful to the living family, but you will adjust....one day at a time. Judy

[Caroline565]

It's never easy losing someone we love and I am sorry for your loss and all you went through with your Dad. It is hard sometimes to understand and accept death as being part of life. Even if we say that we do, it means nothing until it hits us square in the face. Both of my parents died after lengthy illnesses and suffering greatly. I was with my Mom, in fact I camped in her room (she was in subacute nursing facility) until she drew her last breath. It is not a sight I chose to remember but I wanted to be with her. I hope she knew I was there, and I was there because I loved her.

Watching them both suffer with absolutely no chance of getting better (only worse) I realized that there are worse things than death. I felt relief when they finally passed and of course a great deal of sadness too. It may be too soon for you to find comfort in the fact he is no longer suffering, but in time, I think you may. When we're sooo busy taking care of  them or visiting them in the hospital, our lives are consumed with the caregiving. When they pass, it's like everything stops. Now you actually have time to feel.

I know it is painful. Today is 10 wks ago that I lost my husband and the pain is still there and I still cry alot. But you know, I do think I am progressing. Consider grief support, possibly through hospice or a local church. I didn't do that when I lost either of my parents but this time I really felt I needed some help and understanding of the grief process. It may be worth considering.

[rparton]

My mother died March 7, just a couple of weeks ago.  She was an invalid too who suffered for many years with debilitating Parkinson's.  I thought I would feel relieved that she isn't suffering anymore when she died but now all I can think of is the hellish nature of her everyday life and what it must have been like for her at the end.  She completely lost the ability to swallow and couldn't even tell anyone because she couldn't talk or write.  It kills me to think about what she went through.

Deepest sympathy - I understand what you're going through.

[iam1butterfly]

I'm sorry about your loss... from what I've heard and read, 1 year is the typical time frame for the bereavement process. But, it varies and could be much longer than that. I lost "the Love of my life" a little over 2 years ago and, I'm still struggling... emotionally.