Still angry ofver father's death

My father died in 1995. He was not living with my mother, in fact her had moved out and had a girlfriend. No one from my fmaily called me until he was already dead. I did not get to say good bye. I cry a lot and lash out at co workers and my husband. Is this normal?

[AnnieBrooke]

It is holding on to the pain for a long time.  Does it do good to cry and lash out, or does it make things worse?  It is probably the entire unfinished nature of the relationship that makes it stick around.  When a parent leaves a child, it can set up a feeling in the child that if only he or she were good enough, the parent would come back and the child (in the normal course of things) could grow up under their protection, and then leave (as children are supposed to do) when ready.  You lost that.

My suggestion is to see a therapist, it is amazing to me that you are able to lash out at your husband and not lose him, and to lash out at co-workers without losing your job.  Don't lose the things that you care about in mourning over something you can't change.  

The good news is, it is possible to complete a relationship even with someone who is gone.  Talk to a counselor who deals with grief.

[maryethel9]

It does good to cry.i have gone to therapy.i need to go back

[AnnieBrooke]

For sure.  When I went to grief counseling, it really helped.

[mammo]

Hi!  I didn't get to say good-bye to my son, either of my parents or brother so I understand how you feel.  You are carrying a lot of anger over losing your dad and not getting to say good-bye.  When we do this we often take it out on those closest to us because we don't know where else to put it.  It's not fair to them, but we really can't help it.  What helped me a lot was to write letters to my loved ones in a journal....by putting our feelings and emotions down on paper it serves as a form of release for us. Your dad knew you loved him and he loved you, and even though you didn't formally say good-bye I know he was thinking of you.  Sometimes it's better to not say good-bye, it saddens everyone and it's not really good-bye, it's more of a....I'll catch ya later....as we will.  I never want my children to see me suffering nor do I want to say good-bye to them or them say good-bye to me.  I want them to have a good memory of me and me them.  Try to look at it this way.  Your dad can hear your words and even though you can't send the letters he will read what you are writing. You need to forgive whomever should have told you sooner about your dad...this doesn't mean that you condone what they did, or that you need to have anything to do with them...it means you are laying down the anger and walking away leaving them for God to deal with.  Your dad lives on in you and shines through in everything you do!  He would want you to be happy more than anything.  I know these are not easy things to do, but you need to do it for YOU and those you love.  Counseling will help, but make a journal and write about all the good times you shared with your dad, write about the kind of man he was, just write.  Sometimes you'll read what you've written and will cry....sometimes you will smile.  What's important is that by getting your life together....you're making your dad very proud and yourself.  Big hugs to you, I know it hurts.