When is enough

[MORPH28]

I`m sorry if this goes on. I have been sat here at 4 am thinking about my parents but I am so confused. My mother passed Dec 22 2009. She developed ovarian cancer three years ago and went through many chemotherapies but to no avail as towards the end had bowel cancer which essentially starved her. Now don`t get me wrong she complained many times but who wouldn`t living through this but overall she was so brave throughout. Always was the backbone of the family. I had to tell the nurses many times that she was in a bad way when all she would do is smile and tell them she was relaxing, she was such a proud woman. I have nerve damage and that morning when she spent over two hours on the floor after a fall and had no strength to get up when I started to help she told me to get away from her and leave her be. Because she was concerned about me. That`s who she was. My dad meanwhile was trying to look after my Mom as best he could because he had a very bad arthritis in his ankle and found it hard to get around. He also had many other problems, most he kept from us because his wife was his priority. I see much of it now, how weak he was becoming and the strain trying to look after mom but what was I thinking. That night my dad rang me cause she was getting very bad, I brought my brother to help not knowing that this was the last time I would speak to her. It was a horrible night but we were there, with Mom. Christmas was horrible she was so good with her grandkids. Dad began staying with me weekends, my sisters a night or two during the week. He become the rock who led us. He was so brave and strong it kept the family from falling apart. I know he was anything but, I used to watch him pretend to watch the TV but he was staring at her picture he left beside our fireplace all night. His health deteriorated quickly but I think we were blind to how bad he was. On the Good Friday before Easter I spent the day in hospital with him after he was brought in by an ambulance to hear the doctors say he was ill but there was no panic and made arrangements for test weeks and months later. He stayed with my sister after that to avoid the stairs and she rang me the Sunday morning to tell me he needed to go to the hospital but refused to get an ambulance cause he didn`t want to make a fuss. I brought my brother again and as we were bringing my Dad to the car we lost him. That was April 11th. This is July and I barely think of my Mom in comparison to my Dad. Is it the natural order of things in this situation. It doesn`t help I`ve been away working for the last 10 weeks (not far but away)on a pressure type job and obviously could`t talk to anyone or show emotion. I am back a week now and feel emotions flooding in. I miss them so much, everywhere I look there are reminders which is a good thing but it hurts. I was finding it already unbearable losing my Mother. I don`t know what to do. I apologise for the length of this and that it turned out to not be a question

[Morph1212]

I apologise for this late late reply. Without the reasons you don`t want to know anyway . I apologise to you for the time you spent replying to me and my silence. I had read what you said and appreciated what you said to me. Really I thank you for time, it meant a great deal to me that someone would afford so much thought to a stranger. (message: July 2010 Morph28) Told you it was late

[rafecu]

What your feeling sounds normal, Ur mom and dad would want their child happy, so honor them by remembering how they were. How special they were. They live on in you, And i know its not much comfort, but they both aren't hurting any longer. God Bless you and thanks for sharing that with us.

[mammo]

You were fortunate to have had two very special parents, and I am so sorry for your loss.  I think you have not mourned the loss of your mother, either feeling you couldn't,  trying to be strong, or just forget.  But it's imperative that you do this, for your well being.  I think losing your father was much like losing your mother again, as he was such a big part of her. Your parents were wonderful people and very strong and always doing what was best for their children.  I think losing your father was like the final blow. With your father still living, you may have felt as if part of your mother still lived on, and when you lost him, it feels so final now. Don't beat yourself up about not knowing how bad off your father was, he may not have wanted you to know.  He sounds like this type of man, not wanting you to worry.  Plus, sometimes our emotions make us not want to see the reality of what is happening because we know we cannot take what may happen.  You did nothing wrong, you love them equally, and they know this. Take the time to mourn both their losses, they are together again. Talk to a therapist about everything if need be, just make sure you talk, cry, remember, laugh, celebrate their lives, the good memories.  Get together as a family and do this, and this way you help each other.  I think you've suppressed the loss of your mother and losing your father has brought it to the surface, so you can mourn her loss as well.  Seek help with how to cope with it all.  I wish your family all the best, and again I'm so sorry for your losses. Take care....

[Jaquta]

I think there was a question in there.  I think it's normal for you to spend a lot of time thinking about your parents and in particular your father.  I think with your mother it was well known that she was sick and that the outcome would likely not be good.  I think that while you were all still grieving you overlooked aspects of your fathers health and I think that is why you think of him more.  I don't know if it is guilt but it was more of a loss.  You were trying to come to terms with the loss of your mother, he the loss of his wife.  He was a tower of strength for you and so you miss not only him and your mother but his strength and security and support.

Talk to your family if you can, if not, think about speaking to a psychotherapist.  They are big losses in a short period of time.