Why am I still in denial?

[Kyrrra]

My grandfather passed exactly one year ago today. It was extremely unexpected and was caused by an underlying blood disorder that he had but was never found by his doctors. I was very close with my grandfather and spent almost every weekend with him until I was 18 or 19 years old. I feel guilty because when I visited him during his last moments at the hospital, at his funeral and even today I have not cried and I feel as though I haven't really came to terms with his passing. Most of the time I don't think about it or 'push it aside', but when I'm driving down the roads we used to take to his house, I imagine him sitting in his recliner watching a movie or playing his Nintendo. Even as I think of it now, I still see him there and I'm afraid that it's not healthy to feel this way. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and tend to experience episodes of disassociation in stressful events and I don't handle my emotions the way that most people do, so I don't know if that is related or not. The problem is that I feel guilty because I haven't cried and I haven't accepted his death after a year, but in reality I don't think I know how. What can I do to allow myself to accept the fact that he is gone and allow myself to feel the emotions I need to feel to grieve in a healthy way?

[WarriorButterfly]

We all feel things differently. Remember that it's your process and your emotions. There's no set amount of time that you can feel one way or another. However, if it's really concerning you, I would talk to a mental health professional.

[AnnieBrooke]

Borderline personality disorder or not, I think we grieve in our own ways and only when we feel we can safely let the feelings come up.  If someone is in a war zone and bombs are dropping right and left, they marshall all their strength and focus on getting out, they don't stop for a therapy session about the stress.  They do that later, when they are safe.  We're like that with loss, I think.  We only let ourselves feel it when our mind decides we're ready to feel it, and sometimes even then only a bit at a time.  Don't judge yourself for your timing.