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Why am I the only one grieving?
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Why am I the only one grieving?

My mother passed away a year ago and I seem to be the only one grieving for my mom.  My Dad is dating and my brother doesn't want to talk to me about anything.  I feel so alone!  My friends are not supporting me much anymore.  I guess they're sick of me talking about it.  The only one I can talk to are you guys.  My mom was only 68 and her death was so quick (five months after she was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer).  I journal about my feelings every day, take antidepressants (which are making me gain weight) and talk to a grief counselor.  I don't know what more I can do.  I miss her so much!  I didn't get to say goodbye to her or tell her that I loved her because one day she was fine and the next she was in ICU and couldn't talk because she was intabated.  Everyone keeps telling me that its been a year and time to move on, but I can't!  I can't concentrate at work and I keep waking up in the middle of the night!  I'm 41 years old and other than spending time with my son, I don't have much of a social life.  I guess I inadvertingly pushed people away and now I can't get them to come back.  This has been the worst year of my life and I know I need to move on, but it's so hard, harder than I ever through it would be.  

I need some support and guidance from your guys! I feel so hopeless!

Thanks!

Ilana
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry for your loss.  I think we feel our moms will always be here, so it's difficult to accept when they are gone.  I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25, so I know your pain.  People grieve at their own pace, and while many may feel it's time for you to move on....you may not be ready and that's okay.  You can only continue to do what you're doing.  Keep in mind that what your mom would want more than anything is for you to be healthy and happy.  She will live on in you, show the world what a wonderful person she was in having raised such a happy, life loving daughter.  I don't think your friends are tired of you, I think they just don't know what to say to make you feel better, don't take this personally. As for your brother, he's dealing with his loss in his own way and I doubt it has anything to do with you.  Most of all you have a son that needs you to be there emotionally for him, be the mother to him that your mother was to you!  Start doing things that you enjoy even if it means pushing yourself to do them.  I know it's all very hard, but your mother is looking down and seeing you like this is making her sad.  She knows you love her, and she hears when you talk to her.  It's okay to move on, she would want you to.  Just take baby steps and start doing things you once enjoyed, your mother raised a strong woman, you will be just fine.  Big hugs, and I wish you all the best!
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Hi Llana, I'm 47 and my father has been gone for 2 years and I still miss him and cry, esp now with Father's day and his birthday tomm.  We all heal and grieve differently.  I never said goodbye to my dad either, he'd had a stroke, and we went to the hospital, he was not conscious.  They had to run tests, I took mom home for meds and breakfast, we got a call that he came to, was coherent and signed for brain surgery to remove a clot, we raced up there, he already was in surgery and when he came out of it, he mutter one word and wasn't coherent and died.  I feel awful I wasn't there.  Sometimes life is like that.  I try to think he's in a better place no more pain and suffering.  I made a scrapbook of his life.  I can't bring him back but I can be the person he would want me to be, helping others.  That's how he was.  My dad was 85.  Feel free to private message me anytime you want to talk, I know what you are going thru.  One thing to remember we all are individuals and we go our own pace.  I don't think I will ever get over missing him or losing dad but I will adjust to him being gone.  That's all we can do, that and talk about it and try to keep busy.
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Avatar_f_tn
Ilana,

I'm very sorry you aren't getting the support you need in person right now.  I know you'll find a huge amount of support on this site though and sometimes we turn to wherever we can, it's not always a bad thing.  Sometimes you'll find the biggest surprises or those sighs of relief when you least expect them.  It's hard to say much more past what has been said to you already- such wonderful comments that you should read more than once- there are some smart chicks on here who know their stuff.

My mom lost her mom after years of not communicating.  She was lucky enough to make amends two years before she passed but it still wasn't soon enough for her.  My mom had plans to visit her (different states) just weeks before her stroke and death soon after.  I know she has regrets over this but I think of her as one of the lucky ones who made her amends before it was too late.  I think you should take something from your experience Ilana, and make sure that you let everyone around you know how much you love them as much as you can.  It's easy to fall into the rut of never expressing your feelings or feeling awkward about doing so.  Then we find out it's too late and are devastated.

Please don't stay too hung up on the idea of never saying goodbye.  Have you met anyone that doesn't say "I hate goodbyes?"  They are usually sad and painful.  I honestly prefer to remember my family that has passed for the joys we had while they were still here. Be the smart beautiful woman you know you are and make peace with how things happened.  Like mammo said, your mother raised a wonderful girl into a wonderful woman and she would want nothing more than for you to be happy.

One last note on this subject to everyone on this forum.  I see it like this... those that have a reason to grieve will learn to work through their own as they help others with theirs.  It's a community like no other.  I have hopes that those that can't seem to move on will wake up one day and realize that they actually have.  They will walk in the shoes of others just like them and see that no one is alone.  Grief and loss is something that everyone, everywhere, will have to experience at sometime in their life.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I lost my mum also age 68. She lived with myself and my two small children for 5 yrs up until she died. She was my best friend that was 10 yrs ago,I mourned for her for ever it seems. It's not easy now 1 yr is not long for you. I am 52 now and still miss my best friend. Found a quote in a mag that I like.".A person who always looks to the past has no future" It does get easier. Every time a light bulb blows I know she is with me and the kids.. It's a pact we made.. I also feel really terrible that I was not there for my mothers passing as my sister was watching her. And in one way it was better that way because I think I would have gone mental there and then, so sometimes things just work out the way they are meant too. Think that was gods way of protecting me..The last thing I happen to say  to my mother was no,no,no to a ciggerette. Even if I had known then it was to be her last I still wouldn't have given her one as she would have had a horrible death but at least this way she had a charmed passing , smiling incoherantly. She def saw someone coming for her.. I was with her within mins..They would want us to move on in due time and not be grief stricken. Sadness is such a heavy load.. so take comfort for now in knowing she is smiling down on you. And best of luck for a good future..Outinsympathy
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, Llana

I'm so sorry for your loss. Trust me i know exactly how you feel, I lost my mom to a very rare cancer 2 years ago. One day she was fine and then 3 months later she was gone. I felt also that many of my friends were not there for me and probally were sick of hearing me talk about it. I honestly don't think anyone understands unless they have been through it themselves.I think you just need to give yourself time to grieve because everyone grieves in different ways, i have to tell you that after losing my mom, even after 1 year i was still a mess, i finally have started getting back to myself but for some people it really does take some time. Good luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Grief--Loss/Living-without-my-dad/show/1518944?personal_page_id=2163485#post_6900129. Please follow this link and read my story. You will find that you aren't the only one who misses her, but that they are unable to express their emotions! I hope this helps!
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Avatar_m_tn
I feel exactly the way you do. My mom just passed away last week and it was a long agonizing suffering that I can't get out of my mind. I can't focus on anything either and I just lay in bed crying and thinking about her. Her doctors failed her and now she is gone. I'm lost without her and like you, people are telling me to move on and keep myself busy. I have an appt. with a grief counselor next week. I hope it helps because I am inconsolable. She was also my best friend and I'm lost without her. I hope you can find peace soon.

Solace10

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Avatar_m_tn
I feel exactly the way you do. My mom just passed away last week and it was a long agonizing suffering that I can't get out of my mind. I can't focus on anything either and I just lay in bed crying and thinking about her. Her doctors failed her and now she is gone. I'm lost without her and like you, people are telling me to move on and keep myself busy. I have an appt. with a grief counselor next week. I hope it helps because I am inconsolable. She was also my best friend and I'm lost without her. I hope you can find peace soon.

Solace10

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