My husband of 12 years took his life 9 weeks ago leaving me with four children ages 11, 9, 6, and 4. My husband's best friend has been there for me since the day following his death. His friend and I have since fallen for each other. The initial intention was for him to fulfill a promise he made to my husband to take care of his family if anything ever happened to him.
The biggest problem I'm having is that my oldest son is very angry about my relationship with my husband's friend. He is threatening suicide and violence towards myself and my friend.
I understand that it is very soon, but for me, this man has made a world of difference in my grieving process and has been a comfort or my younger three children.
My question is would it be better to end the relationship to suffice my son, ease him into it by not sharing a bedroom with my friend, or insist he learn to cope with it in a healthy way? He is in therapy, but seems to be continuing to obsess over it. I also have three other Holden to consider who have bonded with my friend as a security figure.
I've heard of similar behavior from boys who have dealt with parents' death or divorce. I love all my children and want to make the right moves in order to get us all to a healthier place in our grief.
I am so very sorry for your loss, this is so sad. I feel you're moving too quickly with this friend not only because of your kids but for you. You've not even had time to grieve over your loss, nor have your children. I think it's okay to have him as a friend, but that's it at this point. You need to make sure your children are okay emotionally and obviously your son isn't. I'm not even sure the younger ones are, it's not just about a new man in their house they just lost their father! Your feelings for this man may be real but your loss is so fresh that I wonder if it's just someone to fill the void at the moment. I'm not getting down on you, but this happens and when the dust settles you may realize that's all this man was and this is not fair to either of you. If this is love then it will withstand the test of time for you and your children to truly come to terms with how your world has been turned upside down. When and if your husband told this man to look after you and the kids, I'm sure he didn't think a relationship would happen so quickly (if at all) and certainly not anything to upset his children. Now is not the time to take a hard stance with your son, he's hurting and misses his dad, he needs time to heal. This man sharing your bed is not part of the grieving process and I feel he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. I know you're lonely but I feel you need more time alone to come to terms with your loss and with what your children are enduring. You need to communicate with your children about their feelings, and your's as well....they need to express how they are feeling and so do you. This is when the 5 of you pull together and cry, talk, and remember the good times. This situation is so over-whelming for your children, and then to expect them to accept a new man in their home so quickly is just wrong. Your oldest son understands far more than the younger kids, I'm sure although they seem to have bonded with this man, with some time you are going to see some serious issues with them as well. The 4 of them depend on you to do what's best and healthiest for them and I know you want to do this. If you talk to a child psychologist they will tell you to not introduce a new man into your children's lives for 6 months...this is with a divorce......it may be longer when the children's parent has died. I do hope you truly think about all of this and what the future holds for your children if this continues.....and you. This man should understand all of this and if he's not okay with it then he's not putting you or your children's well-being first, and I also feel he should have shown more responsibility when it came to sleeping in his best friend's bed with his wife so soon after his death! You've got 4 young children make them your priority. I wish you all the best as I know this is a very difficult time for all of you. Take care.
I agree with mammo. In your shoes I would definitely be wondering if it is simply the shock of the loss that makes the guy look so good to you, and really you have no business putting a new man in your bed within so short a time for your kids' sake if not your own. What must they be thinking about the apparent disposability of their father in your heart? They might even be thinking that your actions are saying their birth was a mistake. Please get rid of the guy as a lover and try to cope with your loss on your own feet. It will mean you will feel pain that right now you can avoid by sating your grief with a new relationship, but the relationship does not stand a chance. You can't bury your grief by patching the wound with someone else, it's not fair to anyone. Take care of your kids, you are the parent and they need you to be the parent.
There are MANY stages of the grieving process for EveryOne!! Please realize that it's "different" to lose a Spouse as compared to the "difference" of a Young Child to lose a Parent, "different" for a Child as opposed to an Adult. And for EveryOne, much else comes into the Grieving Process when the death was caused by Suicide. Even Adults will question "why did He "want" to leave me"?? but these thoughts and insecurities would be MAGNIFIED for a CHILD. Also, Your Oldest Son is going through puberty at this incredibly sorrowful time. I would guess these two life altering events are especially difficult to deal with at the same time. It would only be natural for Him to feel He is losing You too - Everyone is incredibly insecure right now.
Nine weeks is ONLY 63 days. Nine weeks is ONLY 2 1/4 months. Give Your Family time (and YourSelf as well) to work through this very sad time.
I had a friend who committed suicide several years back and his ex girlfriend, whom he committed suicide over, quickly got with his best friend afterwards. I don't know if his best friend had made a similar agreement with her former boyfriend or not but, regardless, others may not see it so well--At least when it happens so quickly--Which is how it turned out in my case.
Of course, it is a difficult and very sad time, but moving too quickly with someone else might not be such a good thing, especially in your situation with children. If you decide to stay with him however, then sharing a room with him at your home wouldn't be best because your children will see that which isn't good at this time.
As time passes and as everyone gets to that point where they feel healed enough from the loss of a loved one to continue with other relationships, then that will be a more acceptable time for you and your friend to be around each other more often, as it will be easier for your children to tolerate it. Or at least I would hope. Everyone is different.
My condolences to you and your family..
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