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birthday coming up for deceased son
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birthday coming up for deceased son

I lost my son April 13th and he has got a bithday aug 6th. i dont know what to do . im so lost without him. this is going to be so hard for me. i am still having a hard time accepting his death. this has hurt me so bad. i still cry everyday. i go to his grave everyday. i change his flower's everday. its like it happen yesterday. im dealing with his death and now he has got a birthday wed. not only that he was buried on my birthday. so this has been very hard. we were only in our new house 1 week when the accident happen. so yeah i have been through so much and i dont know how this is going to get easy for me. Michael and I  were around each other all the time. we did everything together. we were like super glue. he wonted to be around me all the time. and he was. he was never away from me. this is so hard on me. any advise. please i need some help with this. i am seeing a counsler already and its not helping me. someone help me.
Tags: birthday, son
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185634_tn?1257074739
My heart goes out to you, as I can hear the pain in your post.  It's never easy to lose someone you love - especially a child.  That isn't the normal order of things.  I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time, but am glad to hear that you're seeing a counselor.  It may be helping you more than you know.  Going through the grief process is different for everyone.

Hold on to the wonderful memories that you have of him.  I think it's wonderful that he WANTED to hang around his mom at that age!!  That speaks volumes on the kind of mother that you were to him.  And he obviously realized what he had!

I don't know what your religious stand is, but if you believe - pray for peace as you go through this.  And rest assured that he IS in a better place and is looking down on you, wishing you weren't so sad.

I'm sorry that I don't have any "words of wisdom" to share with you, as I haven't gone through what you're going through.  I just wanted to let you know that I read your post before and felt so bad for you at that time.  Now I see you posting again, and I thought I'd let you know that I'm so very sorry for your loss, and pray that God will take you into his arms and give you peace.

Lori
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332074_tn?1229564125
My heart really does go out to you as the birthday of  your son grows nearer. There are no words to tell you that can make it any easier for you, it is one of those cruel twist of fates that you must go through when you lose your loved one. We can all tell you to think of happy memories of your son, but in reality we know that you will be drowning in your sorrow remembering the day you gave birth to him. All I will say is that I am here if you need to talk and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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484098_tn?1259531132
I am very sorry for your loss.  I am hoping I can tell you of things we have done that helped us.  Our son was killed at the age of 22 in Iraq by a bomb that was buried under the road.  Needless to say, we did not get to see him after his death.  No kisses goodbye, no definite promise that he isn't somewhere else in the world living incognito while we bury a fake body.  We had many thoughts, and dreams.  His younger siblings have had dreams that he came back and said he has been living in Aruba undercover and that someone else was buried with his dog tags on.  The end result of all this is that he is definitely not here in this house with us.  He doesn't get to call us and we can't call him.  BUT....  there are ways to feel closer to his presence.  If you open your mind, you'll find that you truly have him with you.  I know my son is with me.  I feel him when he is here, and I know when he is traveling elsewhere.  If he is here, I can feel his love, his attention, and usually I find a picture skewed on the wall.  Some ideas for birthdays.....  send up balloons with messages written on them, whatever you want to say to him.  And you don't need to go to his grave to talk to him.  His body is there, but not his spirit, personality, character.  They are all around you and in your memories.  Laugh with him, talk with him, where ever you happen to be when you want to tell him something.  You may want to ensure you aren't in public, just in case someone calls the paddy wagon to put you in a straight jacket and padded room.  But, you don't have to speak out loud.  He can hear your thoughts.  I talk to Branden all the time.  And, I got ahold of a Medium and wasn't convinced he was telling me anything specific to Branden until he mentioned that there is a pasta dish that I make, and nobody will eat it with me, and Branden is aware that it makes me depressed that I can't eat it with anyone in my family.  The Medium said to always realize Branden now sits with me while I eat it.  Of course, now I eat it all the time.  Nobody on earth was aware that I was depressed over that.  But apparently Branden knew.  !!!!  Another idea:  get out a  bunch of photos and make a collage of photos of his happiest times.  Or just times when he was with you and only you in the pictures.  Order pencils and pens with his name on it.... with a heart, and a quote, like... "I was here with you".  Have them in every room.  And remember, death doesn't hurt the deceased.  It only hurts those left behind.  If you can find joy in the fact that he is still happy where he is, and that he still loves you and visits you, even while you sleep, that will help you tremendously.  Also, write a list of all the wonderful things you've done together.  Don't write it all in one day.  Spend 10 minutes per day writing it.  Also, write him letters, reminding him of all the rotten/mischeivious things he did, and how you're wondering if he's still up to his mischeif now that he's with God.  Talk to him all the time.  It's hard, but it will get easier.  I have been without Branden for 4 years now.  I can handle it now.  I have trouble when I think of all the kids his age that have babies now, but I also remember that he is busy helping others where he is.  

Keep in touch.  Let us know what you're doing to cope.  

God bless!  
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555139_tn?1260497028
Thank You so much. i will try some of these things to see how i do. this has been so hard on me. i know people say it does take time and i believe that .because alot of people that has lost a child and it has been like 1 to 2 years seem to be coping with it easier now. so i guess it does take time. today Michael has been gone for 4 months. i do talk to Michael all the time and i addmit i do go to his grave everyday. i change his flower's everyday. i have really been staying to myself because i dont wont to burden no one with my cring all the time. but i have tried to get help and everything never goes right. the counsler that i have been seeing .he was supposed done seen me 8 times and he has only seen me 2 .he keeps coming up with excuse's that something has come up or he cant make it because he has a wedding to go to or he is sick so right now i dont know what to do. i do wont to get better but nothing helps me. i try to do things me and my son did togther but that hurts even more because i know we dont get to do that anymore. me and my son were so very close. we did everything together. we were like super glue. people that know us always say where you see Mitzi you see Michael .i never went anywhere without him. then what makes it worse he was killed right behind the house we live in and we were here 1 week when he got killed. he got to live here 1 week. then he died on my early birthday party , then they buried him on my real birthday. that hurts so bad. then before we got moved over here at our old house. 1 month prior to that Michael's dog died. then the day we moved over here my dog died then the next week Michael died. so there has been alot on me.alot of people tell me to get put on medcation but i dont wont that. i wont to try to get through this without medcation. . but what makes it worse is the doctor promised us that Michael would make it through this. she told us when he gets off out surgery that she would make sure i can see him just as soon as they get him in his nicu room. he reasured us that he would make it but he didnt. then come to find out. she got my son confused with someone else .they was another person that was brought in by heicoptor and my son was brought in by ambulance .well they were only 1 year in age apart and he was also injured on a ATV 4wheeler so they had about the same injurys and they had my son confused with him at the hospital. she was working on the wrong person. i went and got medical records to find this out. i took them to Michael's family doctor and Michael would have survived if they had the right person. so now i am stuck thinking about this. i son's life was taken because of a careless mistake. and nothing i can do will ever bring my son back, i have alot on me. its hard to try to try to get my mind stright when i have so much on it. another thing the reason why his accident happen. his bestfriend was over that day and Michael was riding the ATV  and his friend somhow got ahold of the next door kid's dirtbike.. well they were riding and his bestfriend cut in front of Michael hitting Michael making him wreck. so that is bothering me also.i just have so much on my mind. i dont know what to do. i just wished i had Michael back in my life and there's nothing i can do. Thank's for the help. write me back ok.
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332074_tn?1229564125
Hun, you really need to find a different therapist. You are suppose to be going there for help and if he is not willing to help you, you need to find someone who is. Also, I know you want to do this without medication, but let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with needing something to help you through this. I can promise you that it will not be a cure all for your pain, but it does take the edge off so you are able to start the healing process. Remember I am here for you if you need to talk.
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555139_tn?1260497028
Thank You.. i did go to the Doctor and he gave me Prozac. which i dont wont to take. there is to many side effects with it. you half to be watched for 2 week's while taking this Medicine. and my husband works long hours, so i am going to call my Doctor back this morning and ask him to give me something else. i know i have tried to do this without Medicine but i cant. this is bothering me to much. i know i sometimes still wont to believe that this is a bad dream. but i do know that this has really happen. its so hard without Michael in my life anymore. its like the worst Nightmare anyone could have. losing your child is so much worse than losing anyone else. i know it hurts to lose family and friends but this is so much worse. i never imagined living without Michael. i never thought i would go through something so difficult. i know i dont wont to believe Michael is gone , but i have come to realize that this is true. and it hurts sooo bad, i would not wont no one to go through this situation. what makes it worse. is that the Doctor reasured us that Michael would Survive this. i knew that he was Critical but she said not to worry i promise you he is going to make it. she even Promised me. then come out and said i am sorry but we have lost him. i have been so emotional since this has happened. plus i have a daily reminder of what happed behind my house. if i look at the glass door i can see where the Accident happed, if i go out in the yard. i can see it. i have talked with my husband about putting up a privcy fence and he is against that. he doesnt wont to move. everything i wont he is against it. so now it is coming between my marriage. and i dont wont that. Michael would not wont that. Michael would wont us both to be happy. Michael was so much closer to me. because Mom done everything for him . I am the one who took Michael to his Doctor's appointments. i am the one who cleaned up after him .i am the one who took him places. me and Michael were just so close. i never went anywhere without him. he didnt go to school anymore. because lack of Credits. so i had to sign him out of school. so that made him be around me more. that was the only time he was away from me and about 2 years he was on home bound. i just miss him so much and i dont know how to life with out him. i had been with him 16 years of my 20 year marriage. so i havent been childless much of my life. i have always had someone there with me. now i dont have nothing but my husband. and he is against everything i wont. the Counsler has not been helping me , he is canceling out most of the meetings i have seen him 2 times compared to supposed to be my 9th this week. so no matter what i do it all turn's bad, i really feel like giving up sometimes. my life is nothing without my son. i miss him so much. i know Michael wont's me to be happy but its hard to be happy when you dont have anything to be happy about, i just wished i could have Michael back which i know it will never happen till it is my time to go home. but i do wish i could ask God and Jesus to just to let everyone forget about April 13th and let me have my son back. but i know it will never happen. but Thank You for your  generosity .have a Blessed Day
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477608_tn?1238531558
There is so much I can relate to with your situation. My son was brain damaged as a result of malpractice. He required 'baby' care every day of his 17years10months of life. I provided that care (had a little help towards the end, but you get the idea). When he passed almost 3 years ago, my life stopped too. I had no idea who I was without him. I still really don't, but I am taking baby steps.
Have you found Compasionate Friends? The group helped me in the beginning. I have found there are few people who can really relate to my loss and share.
Every day is one more day to get through. As you get through each day, you find a tad bit more strength. I try to hang on to my son's strength and shine his light to keep his legacy here.
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555139_tn?1260497028
Thanks for the comment. Yes it felt when my Son died i died with him. life is not the same without him. It will never be the same. The part that hurts me the most is not knowing how long it will be before i can see Michael again. This is killing me. I hurt so bad. Alot of people really dont understand us with losing a child. They will tell you i know what you are going through i lost my mom or dad or brother or sister well its not like that. i know it hurts when you lose family but its unbearable when you lose your child. Its so much worse. He was so sweet and kind. i couldnt have asked for nothing more. He was and still is my baby. This has been a Nightmare. We had just moved here 1 week before Michael got killed . He had 1 week at this house. and he died on an early birthday party for me and they buried him on my real birthday. that hurts me so much. i cant understand why my days. i cant understand why did my son half to die, and my son's best friend caused him to wreck. Michael was on a 4 wheeler and his friend was on a dirt bike. well his best find hit him while they were riding causing him to wreck. He got over on my son and Michael hit this small hump and he flipped 2 times. then what makes matter's worse. the hospital got him confused with someone else. so now i am going through that also. this has been so much on me. May i ask what happen to your son ? i really know what you are feeling. no one grieves a like but i do know what it feels like to lose a son. its so awful. i really dont know what to do without my son in my life. he was always around me now i dont have him in my life, Can you maybe give me some advise on what to do. ? Thank You So Much.Hope You Have a Blessed Day
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477608_tn?1238531558
I'm not sure what advice I can give you. It's all minute by minute for me. Not a day goes by when I don't cry or miss my Adam. The third anniversary is coming up, so August is hard for me. I have found his birthday is harder to get through than the anniversary. My job knows there are 2 days a year I won't work.

Adam was born with a heart defect that wasn't diagnosed until he was 2 months old. He had a heart surgery to prepare for correction and 13 hours post-op he went into respiratory, then cardiac arrest and suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen. If the docs had left him on the ventillator, he would be here today and 'normal'. I had a lawsuit, but there was no amount of money that could make him 'fine' and now none that can bring him back to me.

I find that I am no longer afraid to die. Not suicidal, just don't care and somewhat excited about the prospect of having dinner with Jesus and Adam. All the standard things people say mean so little. Not to take away from the caring meant by those things, just does not heal anything. It comes from within. I know Adam is not fighting anymore, just like you know Michael is not suffering from any disabilities his accident would have left him with. I know 'everything happens for a reason'. When I get there, I know those reasons will be shared with me. Does me no good now. I still wonder and that wondering hurts. My oldest son once asked me "Why Adam?"....my response...."Why NOT Adam?"

Breathe in and breathe out. Think of the things Michael enjoyed and share those things with others. Have a fund raiser on his birthday/anniversary to raise awareness or create a fund for medical care for survivors of accidents like Michaels. I try to bring something of Adam into every single day.

Remember: If you really want to touch someone...hit them real hard and leave a mark!

~Believe in the Strength of Faith and Hope, within there is Peace and Love~ pe
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555139_tn?1260497028
I am so sorry about your son. I do know how you feel. it hurts so bad. there are times when i get up in the morning and wonder how i am going to get through this day.Somwtimes i feel like i am not going to be able to get through the day. All i do is sit around and cry all day and everyday. Some people say the days will get easier. but i just dont know. I really hope it does because i cant take much more. I miss him so much. I know that Michael is up there with Jesus and i know that he has no more suffering and no pain pain.. this may sound selfish but i still wished Michael was here with me. I know there is a reason for everything but i cant understand why things half to happen the way they do. i guess i wont understand for a long time. Yes we will get to know why when it is our time to meet Jesus. The worst thing about me i have no patients at all. I miss places we used to go .I miss all the Trips and the fun we used to have, Sometimes i just sit there and think of all the good times we had but then it kicks in I wont have no more of them good times with Michael anymore and i start to cry. Some people tell me to get a little Medication to help me with this but i have always been the type not to take Medicine and i wonted to try to get through this on my own but its not looking good at the moment. I know Michael would wont me to be strong for him and i am tring to be. I know Michael doesnt wont me to be sad but its hard not to be. i think if i had more children maybe this would help me out , I am alone at home all day till 5:00 pm .all the time i sit around and think of Michael all day. we have thought about having another child which will never take the place of Michael. but i had something to do all day when Michael was here , i was having to take him to Doctor's appts and getting his Medicine and then the rest of the day was taking him places and making him happy. now i have nothing to do. But a lot of people that has other kids it seems to help them out, they have something to do and someone to talk to to, i have no one. I miss Michael so much. I feel like my life is nothing without Michael in it. I actually dont care if i live or die. this is so difficult for me. i know there are certain things that bother me so bad. I just never imagined something like this would happen to my kid. this is the worse experience anyone could go through. I just wished Michael would have survived like the Doctor said he was. this hurts so bad. Michael has been gone for 4 months and 1 week. and i couldnt stand to be away from him one day. he spent 5 days away from home in 16 years and that was right next door to his nannys house and i bet out of 5 he came home 3 of them . he would come back home because he missed me. i would stay awake for a long time waiting to see if he would come home and he would. we were with each other 24/7. i miss this kid so much. Its like all your dream's and hope's are gone. the future with Michael is gone. i always said to myself i could never live without him. and now i dont have no choice. he is gone now and i am sitting here hurting. its killing me. i have lost 26 pounds since Michael's death. i cant eat i cant sleep. this is to hard for me to bear. i wished i could think of something to do to keep Michael's Memory alive, im not good at things like this. Right now i cant think stright.. and i also wished i could find a way to try some kind of group that people have lost there child to 4 wheeler accidents . i wished i could have those baned . but i know  its impossiable to do. but i think what is making things worse on me is where the accident happen. its right behind our house. and not only that kids are riding 4 wheelers everyday .they half to cut between my house to get to the pipe line. which i dont own the land where the kids cut through. so there is nothing i can do. its like a reminder everyday of what happen to my son. i can look out my glass door and see where Michael was laying when he wrecked. that hurts me really bad,  But thank You for your support. write back anytime you wont.
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477608_tn?1238531558
Okay....breathe in and breathe out.

Adam was my #2 child, out of 5. I never realized until he was gone how much I missed really being there for my other 4 because of Adam's disabilities and how my pain of losing him affected (still affects) my other children. Having more than Adam, having something else to do, doesn't ease the pain. In fact, sometimes I feel like there is more pain because I feel guilty for not having been there as much for them and feeling so lost without Adam when I have 4 others. Simple fact is, they do NOT replace Adam or the pain.

Another cliche.....you will get through this.....sounds ridiculous and I know you really, honestly don't care if you do or not....but you will. Does time ease the pain? Yes and no. When we have something else to occupy our minds, after the initial (yes long lasting, but initial) shock and pain, it begins to occupy less thought. However, when you think of it, it is EXACTLY the same pain. Just does not occur as frequently.

You said you are home alone until 5:00pm everyday...have you thought about a hobby? A little job? Go to an assisted living facility and play cards with someone who has no one to play with. Anything. And medication is not an enemy right now. I went on an anti-anxiety medication when my oldest went to Iraq. Doctor tripled my dose after Adam passed. I stayed on it for a while. About a year after, I moved. I couldn't stand it there anymore and still hate going back. I feel guilty for 'leaving' Adam there, but there was too much pain. Sometimes I think maybe I can handle it now, but my girls are in school and I can't move them back again. About a month after we moved here, I realized I didn't need the medicine anymore. Sometimes we need crutches until we can walk alone again.

Compassionate Friends. Wonderful support group. http://www.compassionatefriends.org
Find your local group and go.
Jeffery Steele....know him? He wrote a lot of songs and was on CMT's Hit Men of Music Row. He wrote Rascal Flats song "What Hurts The Most". His son was killed last year in an ATV accident also. He speaks of his son everytime he plays that song live. He holds a charity event here in town every year for his son. Some people will raise toys and take them to children's hospitals. Maybe you could talk to the schools about speaking to the student body about ATV safety. Raise funds for helmets. Work with your congressman/public officials about enacting "Michael's Law" requiring helmets or some other saftey feature when riding an ATV.

Just some suggestions......you know I am always here for you.....
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555139_tn?1260497028
Thank You so much for your help. i guess i know now this is going be a long journey ahead for me. i know people say time will heal.. but this is so unbearable. I am trying to be strong but this is taking me over. The pain the suffering. .This is hard. I miss Michael so much and i guess what i am doing is not letting myself believe he is really gone. i guess i have this hope maybe one day he will come back to Mama, i know i will see him again but i wished it was down here on earth. I am so hurt by this. Michael was my whole life. Sometimes i feel like the pain is getting worse. I miss him more and more everyday. people tell me after about a year the pain gets even worse and after 2 years it hits you harder. as bad as the pain is now i dont think i will be able to handle it. . i just got to keep my faith in God that he is going to help me through this, Thanks for all your support, write back anytime
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm very sorry for your situation and am feel sad too. I think you are right for not taking any medication right now, because it's your mind that needs to heal-not your physical. Medication is for physical problem. I can see that you are a strong woman , your priority now is to find peace for your mind so you can understand why  this was happening to you and what the  blessing behind this. . Join  yoga/meditation community, may be it will help you through this grief  .
Just remember " When tragedy comes to you ,  there are two ways you can do, either make it as a burden or make you a better person"
Wish you the best
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Avatar_f_tn
Dearest grieving mom Mitzi,

I feel your pain, I REALLY know what you are going through.  Please don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, how long to grieve, or anything else about grieving.  Most people don't know a thing about the unbearable pain unless they are experiencing it themselves.  Birthdays are so painful, but every other day is just as painful as well.  But birthdays SHOULD be celebrated with our child because our child SHOULD be here!  I know all about the unbearable pain that hurts the most.  Have you ever heard of the compassionate friends?  They also have online support groups that you can join and EVERYONE there is going through the same thing.  Send me a private message anytime and I will talk to you more.  Mitzi, I am so very sorry.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, I am so sorry to here about your loss. It is affecting you terribly as I read all your posts, you keep saying the same things. We lost our beautiful baby at 3 weeks old. Losing a child is the worse thing ever. Weve been through alot..I read your posts and my heart goes out to you because you are alone all day and he was your only child. Your head keeps going back and forth on everything. You need to try the medication, I was againest it too, but it really helps you get focused and thinking clearer, notice I didnt say clearly. Here is a website address of something I found, my friend put her bro on another one but I cant remember what one exactly, and until I find it, I hope this one will help. http://www.last-memories.com/index.php?co=register, or please look under memory of a loved one. I think in the begining, if you can find some way to channel the feelings into a positive way, it will help some of the things you feel find a way to help you understand. The longer you dont sleep, the more confused you will be so please, call your doctor and tell them you need some help. God gave you 16 beautiful years with your son, it may not seem long now, and it is heartbreaking, but please try to find the good positive reasons of why you were together. You are worth something, your time here with your husband is important, your time here for yourself is important. Try to use this time to join with other moms who have lost their children the same way and figure out if there are safer things for children to have while they are riding these 4x4s. My kids ride them too, if there were something safer I could do to protect my child, I would want that..All I am saying is you are a good mom, you are a strong person, and you are not alone!!..good luck..
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