getting answers

[sweetpea03]

I lost my cousin suddenly this last December when she died in her sleep. She has a 7 year old daughter that I try to take out bike riding and such to keep up her spirits a little. The autopsy only said that she had heart failure, but nothing else, no details. And I'm worried that what ever killed my cousin, may kill her daughter in the future or myself. She was my only cousin on that side of the family. I would like to see the autopsy and get more answers, but no one else in my family wants to get into it. It's too hard to go through the pain again, as they say. But I personally really want answers. I'm not ok with it just being pushed away and they just accept this answer for what happened to her. Is there a way I can bring it up again and get someone else to move forward to getting better answers? or should I drop it and let it go?

[sweetpea03]

I don't talk to her about the weight gain, I just try to get her to go with me on a bike ride or get outside and do something other than watching tv or being on facebook. Her father made her a facebook at age 7! I think that's a bit much. I know she lost her mother, but her mom was like a sister to me, since I only have brothers. I would talk to her first about anything and now don't have any close female relatives around my age that I can talk to. I don't know who she went to for her doctor and probably won't be able to find that out. I also worry about my cousin's husband who has started drinking a lot and what that will do to his daughter. Neither are coping, and only getting into unhealthy lifestyles. I'm sure he'll be an alcoholic pretty soon, unfortunately. My uncle, cousin's dad, has been doing better. He's dealt with it in a more healthy manner and is healing slowly, but the immediate family(husband and daughter) are going downhill. I've relied on my boyfriend a lot to get me through it and I want to help my cousin's daughter. Though her dad doesn't want me to be so involved. He has always been pretty weird about stuff and very private about everything. My grandparents gave up on trying to help as all they get is a cold shoulder, though they did help raise my cousin and deserve a heck of a lot more than that. I've been given the same response, but don't want to back off just yet. I just don't know how to get through to him...

[Tuckamore]

Hi Sweetpea,

Your love and support is so wonderful and meaningful to the daughter right now. It's great that you are there for her.

Losing a spouse suddenly is overwhelmingly painful!!! You said she passed on in late December. Her husband is still grieving deeply. It has not been all that long to him. We all grieve differently. If his daughter is gaining weight I would not blames that directly on him. She may be using food as a source of comfort and he is too grief stricken to do much about it right now. We all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong in the process. Please give him time and his daughter time.

I know that excess weight can be unhealthy but right now that is probably the least of their concerns. She lost her mother, her best friend. She must feel lost inside and very afraid. If she gains a few pounds she can always work on that once her heart is healed.

Please don't take this wrong but give the child some grieving room. She needs the support, love and concern that you have to extended her. She doesn't need some body overly concerned about her weight. I am sure she is looking to you for comfort and she is blessed to have you. Don't add to her issues by stressing her weight gain just yet. There will be time for that later. I just lost my dad three and a half weeks ago after a long illness. I was his caregiver and I have lost 25 pounds in the last two months. Proof that we all respond differently to grief.  

It is my understanding that an autopsy report is a public record. It is generally subject to disclosure under most state codes unless the case is subject to an ongoing investigation, which I doubt is the case with your cousin. So you should be able to request a copy of her autopsy report. I'd look into it and not ask the immediate family at this time.

If your state will not release the report than what's to stop you from consulting her former physician? He or she cannot release personal information to you. HIPPA law prevents them from doing so. However they can tell you if you should be concerned about a hereditary condition.

You have my admiration for being there during the time that this poor child needs all the support, acceptance, love and concern that she can possibly obtain. You lost a wonderful cousin, she lost one of the best gifts we have in this world, her mother!  

Just my thoughts,
Tuck

[sweetpea03]

I don't mean to say mine was the same kind of pain of loss, I know losing a husband would be harder than mine. I don't want you to misread what I wrote. It's just that my cousin was like a sister to me. I only have brothers, so she was who I went to a lot and I miss her a lot. I am always the type of person who likes to be proactive and not knowing about what happened really bothers me. It's just something I can't get passed. I really want to know the details of what happened.

[sweetpea03]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Losing my cousin was hard, she was my ONLY cousin on that side of the family. I feel like we are family and we all have the right to know what happened to her. My cousin's husband isn't being the best father to my cousin's daughter right now and isn't helping with the grieving process. He just allows her to do what ever she wants and she's only 7 years old. She's gained a lot of weight and isn't coping. I really want to protect her, especially if the condition my cousin died of could affect her, or even myself and my two brothers. I want to be able to prevent another tragedy if it's possible and having him withhold the information makes me upset. I've tried to be patient with him, and it's been months since she passed away. She died in late December. If I keep waiting, I feel like I'll never get answers. I know a lot about medical terminology and all that, so I feel like I'd be fine if I could just read the autopsy report. The more time that goes by, the more I feel like they tell me it doesn't matter... and it does matter.

[KimLaforest]

My husband just passed away the middle of March from cardiac arrythmia.  The provincial coroner could find no cause for his death.  His heart has been sent to another province  He had a brother that passed away of sudden death at the age of 29.  .Due to this reason, they are trying to find out if they can find a genetic link.  Be patient with her husband as I myself have not viewed my husband's initial autopsy.  I had my doctor explain it to me.  Most people will not understand what is in the autopsy anyway.  I will not allow his family to view my husband's autopsy as that is his private information.  I have allowed my doctor to verbally tell his parents doctor what the initial autopsy revealed.  Even my family doctor feels that allowing too many people to see it would lead to wrong speculations  If they find a genetic link, they had my permission to use my husband's blood to test relatives.  Be patient with her husband because the grief he feels could be overwhelming.  Nobody understands how he feels until they go through it.  It is great that you are spending time with his daughter.

[mammo]

I totally agree with you.  Nobody else has to read the autopsy report, just allow you to.  I feel there is more to it than you are being told. This man is doing more harm than good to his daughter by not setting boundaries for her.  Can you just say "I want to be able to have peace in my heart by knowing what happened to my cousin.  Please allow me to read the report, and nobody else needs to read it.  I'm sure it's in an envelope and you can hand it to me this way, and I will hand it back to you this way, and say nothing."  The if after reading it you discover that there is more to it, wait a day to do or say whatever is needed.  You need to find a way.  Try telling him that it is a public record and you can go to the courthouse and view it (you can't) but you don't want to have to do it this way.  Maybe if he thinks you are going to be able to read it anyway, he will let you see it.  Good luck and keep me posted.  Now they have my suspicions as well.

[sweetpea03]

Thanks. My cousin was 30 years old, so she died young. She was my only cousin on that side of the family. So it was her and then me and my two brothers. Her husband is the one who is blocking people from seeing the report, says it's too hard for him to deal with. He's had an extremely hard time and he's not helping his daughter get through this. She's gained a lot of weight and he basically lets her do what ever she pleases. I got him to add me on facebook, trying to get a better relationship with him, so I can get more answers. Though so far I haven't had much luck. My uncle won't push the idea of seeing the autopsy, since it's just too much effort, I guess. They pretty much want me to just drop it, saying it's not that important. I still really want answers and it bothers me that no one else wants to look into it. Even if it's not necessarily genetic, I want to know what happened to my cousin. And if it's from a lifestyle, then no one else in the family should be doing anything she did.

[mammo]

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, and it's so thoughtful of you to care so much about her daughter.  But you are 100% correct that the exact cause of death be known.  If it was a genetic defect then she could have passed it on to her daughter.  How old was your cousin?  If over 50 then you need not worry, but heart heart failure just doesn't happen in a younger person, there is normally an underlying cause. Try explaining that you understand how painful it is for the others, and they need not be involved (at this point) just allow you to view the autopsy report.  It should state what caused her heart to fail, and then you can research that to determine if it is something genetic.  If you find it is, print it out and give a copy to anyone who needs to know about it.  Then you will need to get a geneticist involved.  I don't understand why they won't let you see the autopsy unless they are trying to protect you from something.  You're not asking them to read it, just allowing you to do this.  Tell them it's now about her daughter and you just want to make sure she reamins healthy and safe.  I'm sure they love her very much, and would want to know if it was a genetic problem.  Just don't talk about your cousin to them when asking, just ask if you may read the report, don't get into why unless they refuse.  Then you need to let them know that you feel there is something in the report that they don't want you to see, this may open a line of communication between all of you.  Take care...