how to cope with loseing my mom

[nikkid26]

Hello there, my name is nicole , im 26 years old , i have an identical twin sister and just two months ago my mother passed away very suddenly and very unexspected, although shes been ill with an illness, it wasnt enough to kill her, she had a cardiac arrest, which blows my mind because she never had issues with the heart...(crying)........I am dealing with somuch guilt and pain that i just want to be where she is , it should of been me not her! for the longest time my mother and i always bumped heads, ive said some mean things to her but always alpologized, a month before she died we were getting along so well, and the night before she died she asked me if i wanted to go to dinner with her and i said yes, we had a fab dinner , then towards the end on the ride home , it looked like she was in a bad mood, i didnt think to think that maybe she wasnt feeling well from her meds, and so i asked her whats wrong but i kinda asked in a bitchy way and she said im not feeling well nicole, you dont understand , so we ended up into an argument were we said means things again to each other and i was screaming at her and told her that ill be happier when ur 6 feet under, and she said yea ok youll see, and thats was that the next morning i woke up i seen her , she got her tea as usual in the AM she went upstairs and then i went to my friends house, and while i was at my friends house i kept getting a phone call from my sister in hystarics telling me to come home because shes having issues with her husband.....i come home i find the ambulance,cops,investigators etc in my driveway i start screaming asking whats going on , i notice my moms car wasnt in the driveway,finally the emt guy grans me by my arms and says what medication was your mother on ,and i couldnt respond because i honestly didnt know because she took so many for her liver, (she was goin through a kemo thrapy at home ) and im looking through the windows of the abulance and notice there pumping someones chest , come to find out it was my mom , and she passed.....im dealing with somuch guilt and pain , that i just want to kill myself, also that morning when my sister was there calling me , her and my mom got into a argument and my sister eneded up trowing something at her, my mom was screaming in pain and thats when my mom called the abulance on my sister because she thought my sister was having a mental break down , by the time the secuirty and emt came my sister was gone because she thtought she would get arrested for trowing somthing at my mom, and when the came they found my mom on the couch ...dead.....does anyone have any advice???? i wanna die, i treated her like ****, my god i love her....what did i do ....i hate me , i will never forgive myself , let alone ever forgive my sister

[intrepid7]

It is not your fault.  Relationships between parents and children are complicated - especially between daughters and mothers.  But you cannot say that it should be you that is dead.  You have an obligation now to  live each day with love and kindness in your heart - that is how you will honor her.  That is how you can take back the things you think you can't take back. To never do another hateful or spiteful thing again - against anyone no matter what they do to you or what you think they did to you.  Take responsibilities for your own actions in all areas of your life.  You have the power to and the time to make your life extraordinary.

[mammo]

As a mother myself I can say that your mother always knew you and your
sister loved her very much.  Moms and daughters will butt heads from time to time, it's normal and I feel it was lousy timing that all the arguing was happening when you lost your mom. But this was not the cause of her passing, she was obviously very ill the night before.  I lost a son that was battling an illness to a massive heart attack...he wasn't supposed to die either, but illness is very hard on the heart and he was only 31.  The best thing you and your sister can do is to pull together and and make your mother proud .....let her shine through in all you do! Live your lives so people will think you must have had a wonderful mother to have turned out so well.  Journal your feelings and emotions, is very therapeutic for us, and it's a wonderful way to remember your mother.  This is a very difficult loss under any circumstances and you and your sister need to grieve for your mother, but don't beat yourselves up over why it happened.  Instead learn from it and know that your mom would want the two of you to live a happy life, this is what every mom wants for her children. Now is not a time for blame, the lesson here is that we never know when we will lose a loved one, so make sure the loved ones in your life know you love them, life is just too short to argue with family. Don't blame yourselves or each other, let the fighting end now so your mom will have peace in Heaven.  You and your sister need each other now more than ever, let this loss bring you closer.  Your mother will always be with you in so many ways and you can talk to her from anywhere and she will hear you. I know how badly this hurts, but having peace with your sister and you two pulling together now and forever is the greatest gift you can give your mom.  Give her the opportunity to smile down proudly while thinking....those are my girls!  Please accept that she knew no matter what.... you loved her.  Moms just know this and I know she loved the two of you more than life itself, and you knew this as well. Anger will only eat you up inside and hold you hostage, so accept that as bad as this hurts you and your sister truly need each other.  Big hugs to you.

[growingupignorance]

Hi Nicole. I could never say I understand where you're coming from fully. I still have my mother and my father but we bump heads quite alot. After reading your story I have to say things happen for a reason. Your mom was going through quite a lot and she was suffering from pains of her own. Atleast now she's in a better place. think of it like that.

Now don't get me wrong.... I'm not shying away from what you did. However, i'm proud of you that you realized that you did something wrong and you're sorry about it. Maybe this will help..... Go to your mom's grave and talk to her like she's there sitting infront of you. Don't be afraid.... she's your mom and she will always be there for you. talk to her and let everything out. Let her know how you feel and apologize for everything. By doing so, you would atleast be able to get things off your chest.

Nicole you're not a bad person! It's important for you to remember that. You had nothing to do with your mom's death. God saw her suffering and he called her home. Don't hold a grudge with your sister. At this time.... you both need each other more than you think. Reach out to her and where necessary, seek professional help. Lastly put god in your life. He's the best comforter. Pray, pray, pray! You don't need fancy language to talk to him. Just get down and do it.... He'll listen. He will make things right again for you, I just know it. I'll have you in my prayers Nikki. take care :)

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, first off, your mother's ill health is what killed her, not you or your sister.  I know you have a lot to regret about how it ended, but do remember that you also had good times together.  It's not all arguments and negativity, and she knew that too.

My guess is that guilt will be harder to deal with now, and the grief will only really come in and allow itself to be dealt with after a while.  Emotionally we only take on what we can handle.  (I've noticed in my life that the deeper things only pop up once I'm feeling stronger.)  Don't do anything rash right now when you are in shock from the drama and pain of the event.

Talk to a minister or counselor, and do it often and really lay things out.  It won't make the situation change, but it will help you not feel like a crazy, out-of-control person with your grief and guilt.

You can also make some forward-looking resolutions, in your mother's honor.  One would be to get anger-management help (after a while, not right now -- you have enough on your plate now).  If your mom is like every mother in the world, she would have wanted you to continue, and to have a better life.  

The other thing to remember is that relationships are two way.  The interaction patterns the two of you have, were the product of both of yours' inputs.  If she and you fought, it was her fighting and you fighting.  She's taken herself out of the fight, but you did not take her out.

Please find someone to talk to and do go see them every few days for a while.  It really will help.