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is there healing for so many lost?
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is there healing for so many lost?

ill get straight to the topic here.  hello im 37yrs old and if you read my pro youll find out more about me. but im here because of the GREAT amount of lose from cancer in my family.  where do i begin? well in 1987 i lost my 36yr old brother gilbert to various cancers in about a week. he kept it hidden from the family for many years. found this out from some medical records he kept hidden and where found shortly after his quick death.  it was a shock and was soo unexpected i was only 17 at the time.   it was not the first time i experienced death in the family.  i lost all my grandparents to cancer  and many many aunts and uncles a few cousins and some have it now as i type. but what really hit it home and shocked the hell out of me was the lose of my mom and dad last year. its just not the cancer .. its how it happened.. you see. i lost them both ..a month apart from one another.  i went back home to LA from uk to see them.  i saw my dad for about a week then he had a stroke his third one combined with throat cancer and he was in hospital... at the same time i had my mom at her home dying with stomach cancer so i was going from hospital with my kids to see my dad at night. and then going straight to my sisters to spend time with my mom .  i was there for about 4months seeing my mom and dad slowly and painfully die. when i did come back to uk (home) where ive lived for the past 15yrs. (my mom wanted me to go back home she said its where i belong and understood  LA was not my home anymore)  i was planning to move back to LA to be with my mom and dad. but she knew wouldnt have it.  she wanted me to go on and live my life. to cut a long story short after a long tearful goodbye .. a few weeks after i returned to the UK.  my dad passed. after only being home from hospital a week. he died in his room  and was found passed in his sleep.  i was in horror. guilt rage and hopelessness took hold.  a month later my mom passed . on the living room sofa in great pain when i got the call it was like too much to bear. tho im a strong person and have experienced death first hand many many times . im finding it extremely hard to cope.  besides my own medical conditions .. and being preggie with my 3rd child and being soo far from my orginal home LA. NO family here or female friends.  i do have my husband two girls and my bestfriend mark.   i never got to go to their funerals i never got to grieve properly or say goodbye im struggling to cope with this.  im usually a strong person hard as nails on the outside inside im feeling the biggest lose ever.  i miss my mom i miss my dad . and after many years of trying not to miss my brother as much that feeling  has coming flooding back to.  
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Avatar_f_tn
WOW......the losses u've had!do u have good girlfriends who understand u?how about a counselor who specializes in grief work and a support group?and pregnant with shifting hormones on top of all this!yeegads.....i hope u find a good counselor....a good support group ur in my prayers...i lost my father 2 years ago from prostate cancer.....my mother who is the best mother and my good friend is in the last leg of her life journey with congestive heart failure, possible stomach cancer and dementia.I have been a lucky girl to have her as a mom...but her loss is coming and it will stink.I'm lucky i have many supportive friends..one i work with who lost her parents within 2 weeks of each other.
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513504_tn?1214175594
thanks for your comment.  no i dont have any support system . the closest i have is my husband . but he cant understand alot of it. with my bi polar and other medical aliments and my grief.. i have my bestfriend mark. but theres only so much he can understand never loosing anyone himself and hes younger than me aswell. no i dont have any friends who are girls. i dont seem to get on well with girls my age at all.  ive always go on better with guys. maybe its cause well im not your typical mom. lol thats a long story tho. tried the talking to peopel of the pro kind. not a good idea makes me feel worse i lost faith in those many years ago when i tried to get help for my bi polar depression. its not easy thats for sure. its a daily struggle trying not to think about my mom or dad.  and dealing with my pregnacy all alone (husband and bestfriend are still  guys and cant understand what mama could have you know what i m ean? all my sisters i dont keep in touch with. after my parents death we all sort of went to hell.  
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Avatar_f_tn
i am soon to lose my mom...this i know...one can never be prepared for that..never.Yet i have others tell me the hole they leave is a big one....and i know i will come to know it.i spent the day with her..and my guts r wrenching.I pray and meditate a lot to calm my mind.....God help me to accept my moms problems with strength and dignity as she seems to be!if the counseling is out,no girlfriends and Mark who is there but doesn't understand..he will some day...but at least he is there.....then something to divert ur mind.....something....what do u enjoy doing?walks?reading?i;ve been told and its true...to feel the feelings..let them come...i kept a journal.....right now blocked up and cannot write...my head is a jumble...but my mind goes and goes with memories of my dad and mom.....the good times....so glad/grateful i had them..i know ppl who had horrible parents.....animals who mothered their young better than they..my moms parents were like that!so not letting our minds sink in2 negativity and darkeness.....a struggle yes but a must.....i know what my parents would want me to do......and i'm trying to do it!
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513504_tn?1214175594
i enjoy music mostly. i listen to metal..goth..etc im a hard rocking mom you could say lol i go to gigs and dont exactly dress as your everyday normal mom. but to me it is nomal. i tried to make a journal once.  but my husband didnt respect my privacy and read it . i was so pissed off at him so the only journal i have now is in my mind. my memories of my mom and dad are good but there are bad moments to. hey sorry about your mom i can honestly say i know  how it is.  ive always been a person to get on with it.   when my brother passed the day after the funeral i went to school and got on with it like before.  he wouldnt have wanted me to just stop . as for my mom and dad they were firm believers and christians i was brought up to believe this life isnt all there is.  so i take comfort in the fact they are where they want to be .. with god.  still my own screwed up problems overrun me. and guilt of not seeing them at those very last moments haunts me. just like with my brother . when he was in hospital for that week with his cancer.. i was there whenever i could get there all the time. but the one time i thought i better go home and get some sleep. change eat and then go back.. well i wasnt home but a few hours when my other brother called to say he passed away. the guilt ate me alive. and still does to this day. its not easy its like being on trial everyday forever for not being there.
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Avatar_f_tn
my dad told my brother b4 he passed...well i want everyone to get on with the business of living and go back to work ugh!u need to stop torturing urself with the guilt.....u did what was natural....sleep eat change.....u couldnt've stopped his passing......and i have hopes that there is a afterlife.....a better one than this with all the angst on earth...and the stupid things ppl do to one another and this planet.....my therapy is my 2 retired greyhounds and 3 adopted cats.....i love my animals.....such a comfort such companionship......i've never married and wisely so....helped raise 2 of my sis' kids when i was 14..none of my own..but some who've adopted me!thank u for ur good thoughts about my mom....u know loss unfortunately all 2 well......u need to focus on ur strengths for what u've described u'd hafta have quite a bit to have gotten thru thus far!i love music too...all types...i listen to whatever genre i'm in the mood for!
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332074_tn?1229564125
  If only it was as easy to get on with your life as we all think it should be. I come from two very big families, and loss is something that I have to deal with repeatedly every year. I thought growing up this way, I would be conditioned for when I lost a parent. Boy, was I wrong. I have written this several times on this forum, but I will tell you how I felt wen he died.
  It was May 19,1999, when my mom called and told me dad had passed away. I can remember everything that day as if it just happened. Because on that day, I went from being a 3 yr old woman to a 4 yr old little girl that just wanted her daddy back. I knew that day that the normal I knew would be gone forever and when the time came for things to go back to normal, I would have to learn a new one. My life went from being a life by dates on a calender, to being before dad died or after dad died.
  There were so many people that would tell me that time would make it better, but at that point in time, I didn't want to hear anything. Don't ask me how I am doing, because I suck, and I am okay with that. Don't tell me at least he is not suffering and that he is in a better place, because he was in the best place ever when he was here with us. Don't get me wrong, I know that they were trying to help, but at that point and time I didn't want help, I wanted my dad.
  I learned, that going through the death and the funeral was the easy part. Little did I know that living without him was way harder then his dying. After the funeral you see everyone going on with their lives, and I just did not understand how they could go on with their lives when I was dying inside. I also felt like a leper, because noone wants to talk to you about it for fear you may start crying, and my thought was so what if I start crying, I need to talk about him, I need to feel like he is still a part of my life. I remember feeling so alone in a crowd.
  Now there is my family. My husband would say I understand your are hurting, I miss your dad too. I wanted to just rip his vocal cords out, because he had no clue how I was hurting. You need to be strong for your mom and your kids, man those words angered me. How can I be strong when I am hurting so bad. I just needed noone to need me for the first time in my life.
  Showers became my best friend. Why? Because in there noone needed me and I could sob without anyone hearing me, and because you come out of a shower with red eyes, so noone knew when I was just showering or when I was crying.
  Once I did get back into the real world, I thought okay, I have to move on. Reality was, that moving on was much harder then I thought it would be. It was on my mind day and night for 2 years. Then one day came and at the end of the day, that I had not thought of my dad all day. Thus started a guilt cycle. How could I go all day without thinking of my dad when he was laying in thatgrave. Little did I know then that I had reach the healing stage. No, I will never totally heal, because my heart has a hole in it that noone can fill, but I am going on, and I don't know how it happened, but it did happened.
  So, please know that someone knows you are hurting, and I am here if you need to talk. Take care.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there.  I lost a dear man who was like my dad on September of last year.  He had been ill for many years and even when I saw how he was withering every day, he never once complained about being sick.  He lived long enough to leave a mark on everyone he touched.

He opened the door of his home and his heart to me as if I was his own daughter and I was blessed to have him in my life.  He taught me to fight and try to do things as well as I could.  He once even told his nurse that no matter what favor he asked me to do, I would always do it.  He was such a sweet and loving man and it was hard to see him die.

He was holding onto life even though he was in a ventilator and his youngest daughter asked if he was just living for them, what could be done.  So I told her to tell him that it was OK to let go and that they would be fine.  And so, his family and friends did that and after a week of being in the ICU, he died peacefully.

Even though I knew it was time to let him go, it was so hard to do it.  His wife, his lifetime partner of 39 years, suffered so much, but has come a long way since.  She has tried to keep herself busy and to cherish his memories.  Although his house feels empty, every place you go it seems as he was still there.

He is missed by everyone and there hasn't been a day that has gone by in which I haven't thought of him and I live hoping that one day we'll meet again and be able to talk and have a nice time as in the old days.

Everyone deals differently with the loss of a dear one, but you have to keep your loved one in your heart and cherish his/her memories.  As time goes by, you learn to live without him/her, but always keep in mind that he/she is resting now and looking down to us and keeping an eye on our lives.

Don't be afraid to say out loud what you are feeling since it's good to let out everything and be comforted by someone.  They may not be physically with us, but they are still in our heart and minds for the rest of our lives until we meet again.

Take care,

Neta


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Avatar_f_tn
thank u for ur beautiful words of wisdom!i embrace them..they r so true!i practice them thruout the grief.....like my mom and dad said we must move 4 ward....we have 2!the options are depressing!
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165308_tn?1323190145
Thank you for sharing your story.  It has been very hard for you.  I lost both of my parents 4 months a part almost 8 years ago.  I know how hard that is.  I am grateful, though, that neither of them had to suffer.  Watching your parents get sick must have been such a horrible feeling especially since they sent you back home.  However, remember that was their wish...a very unselfish wish.  Your parents sound wonderful!  As much as it hurts you, please remember that they are together now. No more suffering, no more pain. I know that there are times when I get very cynical, feel very tired, and very alone.  Also very angry for having them taken away from me when I was still (in my book) young.  I still cry at times too.  Many times.  But, I try to find a place deep inside me that is at peace, that tries to put my faith in God and know that everything is going to be ok.  Hang in there.  If you want to "talk" at all please e-mail me privately if you like.  I have had many relatives also die from the big "C".  I also understand that you do not feel like you were able to grieve properly for your parents (and your brother).  I suggest that you do that now.  Scream and cry if need be.  Feel what you need to feel.  The only way to get over grief is by going through it.  You can't go around it...it will always be there until you let your feelings go.  I went to grief counseling of adult children who lost parents.  I found it to be the best thing that I could have done to help me with the grieving process.  Unlike you, I grieved terribley but was completely stuck and didn't want to move out of it.  The counseling helped me to move through...which is what you need to do.  I wish you the best and I wish you peace.  Take care of you.......
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