loss of a child

i lost my 13 year old cousin on september the 16th, and im angry at everyone, we were a close family and i cant get over it. i know im bad tempered and i know i shouldnt be taking it out on everyone around me but i cant help it. My boyfriends nan has just been diagnosed with lung cancer and all i keep thinking is at least she is still alive, and i get mad at him when hes saying i've got so much going on, i am no help to him or anyone in my family i just fall to peices all the time at random moments. it coming up to christmas and we always have a big christmas dinner at my nannas house and all i keep thinking is that this year there is going to be an empty seat where jessica would have been sitting. Any advice, on how to get through christmas, without ruining it for everone around me?

[mammo]

What you're experiencing is so normal.  When we lose a loved one we are angry and because we don't know what to do with the anger, it often gets taken out on those closest to us.  I lost a son and grandson and the holidays are very hard for me so I do understand.  What I concentrate on is the family I  have left and do my crying alone. Your cousin wouldn't want to see you like this, she would want you to be happy and enjoy the holidays.  One thing that is very helpful and helped me immensely is to journal your feelings and emotions.  By putting our feelings down on paper it serves as a form of release for us and is very therapeutic...even if we just toss it away.  I wrote about my pain and my anger which I directed at God.  I wrote letters to my son and grandson, I poured my heart out everyday and it really helped.  Please give it a try, and remember that your boyfriend will one day be where you are so that you can better understand his pain.  The holidays will always be the hardest, but do what you can to be happy because your cousin is watching over you.  You can even write a tribute to your cousin, talking about all the good times you shared and all the wonderful memories you have of her.  Eventually you will be able to read it and smile...other times you'll cry, but it keeps her memory alive and gives you an outlet for your pain.  If doing this doesn't help with the anger, look into grief counseling because the anger will just eat you up inside.  I am so sorry for your loss, I know it hurts but don't lose "you" in the process.  Big hugs.....