loss of mother

I have a similiar situation as lizzie, but I just lost my mom on March 11,2007 and was buried on the 16th.  She was very ill for quite sometime with diabetes, congestive heart failure, kidney function the list goes one.  on march 8th she had surgery on her leg to help get better circulation to the foot that was infected.  The surgery was a success, but the rest of her could not handle the surgery. she had brain swelling and renal failure. my siblings and I had to remove the life support there was no other way she was going to come out of it.  since thursday the 22nd I've been un utter mess. crying, not wanting to do anything, it's just finally hit me.  I'm in my 40's and lost my dad 25 years ago and we were also very close. I know I'm going to go through this rough patch but it will get easier. It's just going to take time adjusting my life without her being physciall in it. Everyone's grieving process is different but if your grieving for more then a month it's going to start taking over your life which your father would not have wanted that to happen, I'm sure you know that. I think counseling would be good for you since it's been awhile since your father's passing.  It's not healthly for you or your family to be depressed for this long.  I'm already going for therapy for other things going on in my life and thank goodness I am so we can also combine my grieving process in my sessions. I know those pity partys your having pretty well, but a party is really no fun with only one person, trust me, I've been there.  

[Amaris]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I hope it all gets better for you. I am meeting with a counsiler today to go over grief counsinling and support groups. My mother passed away on January 10,2007. The strange thing is that it happened in January, but it honestly didn't hit me until this month. I was not really grieving before then, I mean I might have heard a song on the radio & cried or thought of a happy memory & cried, but not really grieved. It's like one day someone knocked the wind out of me & it hit me "My mom is really gone, not just in a hospital a few hours away, she's not comming back!" It's really quite strange how late I am with everything.

[poco102361]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss too.  My mother started having problems about 4-5 years ago and each time we thought she wasn't going to pull out of it and she did.  This time we thought she was going to be fine and she didn't pull out of it.  no matter how much you prepare your never ready.  I had a very bad couple of days, really hit rock bottom friday into saturday.  i know everyone grieves differently, but i'm a true believer in therapy and sometimes group therapy too since sometimes it's comforting to know your not the only one going through it.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Stay strong, each day will get better.  We just want to be at peace with our loss and still have a life and I think our parents would want that for us.

[Haremiliana]

I'm sorry for all your loses, I know how it feels I've been thru one. How I overcome it is to think positive: The person is gone he (in my case my grandad) is now in a better place, it's the cycle of life - everyone who live have to die one day, he don't want to see me crying all the time, life goes on even without him...    

[BobbieP]

I lost my mom to cancer this past March and I know you guys understand the fog I feel I am in.  She was 88 years old and very ill and wanted to pass and when she did it was a relief for her and all who loved her and watched her suffer.  I grieved so much while she was ill and now I cannot cry any more and I wonder if I need nelp or if this is normal. I have to sell her home and her things and am having disagreements with relatives over those issues.  She changed her will at the end of her life and I think she was not thinking clearly and it has caused some serious issues.  I don't want to fight with my family, the grief is enough without that too.  What next.....I thought I was through the worst...now I am not so sure.

[lgordon62000]

I am so sorry about your mom. I am 30 years old and just lost my mom last may. She had a liver transplant in sept. 05 developed an abcess (abscess) on the new liver in Jan. drs. didn't know she had cancer i dont think. On Mothers day we found out and she died 10 days later. I am not sure where I am at now with my grieving process but nobody can put a time limit. There are always things and circumstances and different levels of relationships with moms and daughters. Your age also depends. I did okay. I thought I "lost" it at the funeral but then there was times I found myself consoling people but as soon as the funeral was over, I cleaned for 4 days straight. EVERY morning from the min. she died I woke up in the morning with my heart going 90 mph. I'd cry, it's like you wake up like it was a bad dream, then realize it wasn't and it hurts alot. I got through this year well with the holidays, I'm now a Christian but only since sept. the first few months i wasn't and I just made things harder but my point is that you are going to grieve way longer than a month. The best thing IS moving on with your life, getting out anyway, even if you don't want to. Now if you're isolating yourself for a month thats one thing but no one can tell you that you shouldn't be grieving past a month. Next month is mothers day, my b-day 2 days later then my brothers, then the day she died and as good as I thought i was doing, and with Christ as my Comforter, this past week has been just like last year and I JUST NOW quit thinking it was her ringing the phone early in the mornings. Now I feel like it just happened. But I know that it will get better. Everyone told me the first year is the hardest but I've never had anyone, esp. someone who's been thru it tell me I'd be "over it" in a month, but as I said before, a month is too long to be depressed but grief and depression are 2 diff things, one leads to the other but they r not the same. I will pray for comfort for you. I'm sorry again for your loss.

[ambermc]

Please give me some advise.  My husband is about to lose his mother.  If you have been through this can you please tell me what was helpful for you?  My heart breaks for him, his siblings, and especially his dad, his parents are only in their 50's.  

[Ellen36]

  My respect to all of you for the grief process you have gone through & will continue to go through. I found this site as I am having a particularly bad month grieving my mother.
  She died of cancer  a little over 5 years ago. I quit my work to take care of her full time and she died by inches over a four year period. After her death, I had to move right away because of the possibility of work & to live with the husband I had married  a year into her care. There was no one in my new location who had a clue what I had  been through including my husband although he was most sympathetic.
   I went to a "mother-loss" group in St.Paul Minnesota, which was the worse & most offensive group I have ever attended.  
   In short, my friends, we grieve on our own unless you know someone who has really been through this. Adjusting to "not" being a care-giver anymore is a whole process of it's own.
I spent many a lovely day with my mother as she got sicker. Beautiful golden days. I am very lucky in this respect.
   I  am here to tell you that it never really goes away -  missing your mother. The pain becomes less, and the crying jags stop. Eventually, you can look at it without the intensity that it held for you the first year or 2. Keep a picture around of her, when she was lovely, healthy & strong. Talk to her, when you have time alone. She is not so far away and she will come & listen. When things get tough, ask her for advice. If you were close, she is within you and the answers will come.  
   All of these things will help you, but keep in mind that they are genuine. This is not a game for me. When I had no one to ask what to do next when I was caring for her ( and care-givers know exactly what I mean) I got answers from God. I had an on going dialog with God at all hours during this time. I am a changed person from this.
   People who tell you that you will have an easier time of it because you know that she is dying and to expect it, well....maybe they haven't been through the experience, or they simply grieve differently. I was not prepared - even after 4 years.
   One thing that Hospice said that really helps is "it takes as long as it takes." And that is the honest truth. So, I come here today to tell you I am having a very rough time of it this month, missing my mother like you wouldn't believe. I am 51 years old. I am having a bad patch, but I know it's o.k. and that my mother must be very near right now for a reason. Whatever you do, do not dismiss your grief. Let it come when it wants to.  My deepest thoughts to everyone here.

[Jenny1962]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ellen!!!  I really needed to hear your words, even though I read the second half of them through tear-drenched eyes.  The 1 year anniversary of my Mother's death is rapidly approaching and I am still so raw with grief.  I am 45 years old and I feel like a lost child.  My Mom was 73 and had Alzheimers.  I was one of her many caregivers........... we have a very large family.  Her birthday is next weekend and I just know I'll be a mess.  Why can't I be the strong daughter that she raised?  God help me!

[Michelle320]

Thank you all for being who I found when searching for others to relate to.  My mom died on April 14, 2007.  Her name was Marietta.  She was the kindest, sweetest person I ever knew, and I miss her terribly.  I miss our shared laughs because we had the same sense of humor, I miss her quirks, and her voice...  We're about to sell her house, the one I lived in from age 4 until I got married in 2004 (I'm 30 years old), and it all hurts so much.  The emptiness, the letting go.  Deep down, I have faith and know on some level that my mom is with my dad, happier now because they're together and not suffering, and that their love is still with us.  But despite this, I am still hurting.  May we all be comforted.  

[Empty48]

I lost my Mom on January 20th 2008 and am having a difficult time with grieving.  I have a wonderful husband who went through all of this with me and 3 teenagers.  I am going through the "motions" but feel so sad and empty most of the time.  My Mom was diagnosed on December 20th and died exactly 1 month later.  I was her primary care-giver and very close to her.  She was only 68 and wasn't even sick prior to her diagnoses.  I cry allot and I feel weak and sad.  I try to hide it from my family but it is really hard.  My Daddy is having a hard time...they were married 50 years.  I have two brothers that have been some help but have a sister that hasn't really been there for me (or Daddy) through this.  I am taking a "break" from her right now to sort through my feelings.  Any advice?

[kipland]

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom.  I know exactly what you're going through!  I lost my mom on February 2nd of this year.  She was diagnosed with ovarian and liver cancer, and passed away 2 weeks later.  I didn't think mom was sick either, but looking back - she was.  She started having pain just before Christmas and thought it was a muscle spasm.  She had also been sleeping a lot - like since the summer before.  She had actually talked to me about it, and I thought she was depressed!!  Not so.  It was the stinkin' cancer sucking the life out of her.  My mom was only 66.

The grieving process takes some time and is different for everyone.  I was in a major fog, and decided that I needed some help through this.  I went to the doctor and got on Wellbutrin, and it seems to be helping.  One thing I didn't want is for it to make me not feel anything.  It hasn't so far.  I still cry at times.  But I'm now able to function like I did before it happened.  I was seriously letting stuff go around my house, and THAT was depressing me too!!

I hope things get better for you.  Maybe you could try checking out a grief support group to talk with people who are experiencing the same thing?

Take care.

Lori

[turtle0347]

I am sorry for your loss.  I lost my Mom on April 17th of this year to COPD.  She collapsed at my brother's house and my Dad did CPR to save her life.  She was in the hospital for 2 months.  She was totally sedated for the first 3 weeks while she had a collapsed lung, MRSA pneumonia, kidney and liver failure.  She pulled through and went to pulmonary rehab.  Everyone said she would be fine, but she knew different.  She knew she was dying and didn't tell us becasue she didn't want us to worry.  Just like a mom, huh?  I miss her so much, she is my best friend.  I have been strong, but today is a really bad day!  I just can't believe that she is gone at 61 years old!  It is just not fair.  Well, one good thing, she was in Florida with my Dad with last week before she went into the hospital.  It is strange how things happen.  I constantly worry about my Dad and what we are going to do with him.  He is just lost after 40 years of marriage to someone that truly took care of him.

[bubblyjean]

I'm so glad I found this website. I am one of those persons who find it very beneficial to write things down when something is bothering me. (it's like therapy) And believe me, I have written more letters and written in my journal more than I think I ever have over the last 5 months. I lost my Mom in December of 2007. We were very close and my life hasn't been the same since. I don't ever expect it to be EXACTLY the same. But, I do know that things will get better. I have been told that you never really get over the loss of your Mom. You just learn to live with it. Last night I just happened to come across the words to a song that My Mom loved to sing. I wept like a baby. I could almost hear her singing it. Finding the words to this song was so special to me because I had been kicking myself for not writing the words down while my Mom was still alive. I'd like to share the last verse. -- I'm bound for the beautiful city -- My Lord has prepared for His own -- Where all the redeemed of all ages -- Sing glory because they are home -- Sometimes I grow homesick for Heaven -- And the glories I there shall behold -- What a joy that will be when my Savior I see -- In that beautiful city of gold.   Even though I am a Christian and I am comfortable as to where my Mom is, it's still very painful. I miss her so much. She always said, "Time heals a lot of wounds." I'm hanging on to that. I know I will see her again someday. I'm hanging on to that as well. I'm hoping that the words to this song may help someone out there who has lost a loved one.
In God's Love,
Bobbi

[sherrysdaughter]

I am glad that I found this site. I lost my mother on January 21, 2008 to leukemia. I have had some really bad days lately and I can't stop crying. I have gone through similiar things: waking up and thinking it was a bad dream, wishing my mom would call, angry that she got diagnosed with cancer, feeling cheated out of my mom and feeling angry that my young children won't get to know my mom as they grow up. I go to a counselor and she said to write in a journal. This is the first time that I have wrote anything about losing my mom. Anytime I say that she died, I just cry so hard like I did the morning she passed away.
Please don't feel alone because it sounds like we are all grieving but in different ways.

Thanks for listening!

[Sad_FeelingHelpless]

My boyfriend of four years has just lost his mother to cancer one week ago.  She was told in 1996 that she had three to six months left to live, but she fought and fought, but eventually, she could not fight anymore.  I know that it is just hitting him now.  How could he have gotten a grasp of what's happened through all the commotion of the process of planning the funeral and people coming and going and bringing food over etc.  I'm back at work now, but he's still home for the rest of the week and I'm very worried about him.  I know it's good for him to have some space and some time alone with his thoughts so he can begin the process of grieving.  

He said to me that he thinks of her first thing when he wakes up, last thing before falling asleep and most of the day.  He cries a lot and can't sleep.  He says he's feeling a little deprived of having a normal life and that he feels he still has very important events in his life that she was supposed to be at.  He has images of her pop into his head of when she was really sick.  He says it's unfair that she died so young (52 years old) and he's worried there is no after-life.  He says he misses her so much and he's very sad that he will never see her again.  

I have no idea what I can do to help or comfort him.  I listen to him and support him, but I feel this is where it stops.  I wish I could take the pain away, but I know I can't.  I can't even imagine the pain that he is going through.

Ever since I've known him, he's smoked marijuana.  Not all day everyday, but just a couple nights a week after work watching TV.  Some weeks he would smoke more than that, some less..  Now that his mother died, I'm very worried about this.  I'm scared he thinks it's okay to smoke a lot during this time, like he's self-medicating himself or something.  He says it's so much better and easier when he smokes.  But this can't be healthy right?  I feel like it will prolong the grieving process and make things worse in the long-run.  If I ask him not to do it, he will listen to me, but not happily. He'll complain that I'm too controlling.  I don't know what to do.  Please help me.

[mitts40]

I just lost my mother June 20, 2008.  Life has been chaos going through the planning of the funeral and then the novena (cultural and religious observance that lasts 9 days).  Yesterday was the first day with no functions planned.  I could not sleep.  I was up until 3:30 am, crying most of the time.  At least I know that at that hour of the morning Dad can't hear me crying.  I feel so alone.  I am an only child.  Mom was my best friend.  She and Dad were married for 51 years.  I planned their 50th anniversary party.  I worry about Dad.  I will be going back to work in a couple of days and he will be alone.  I worry for both of us.  There are times I am not sure how we are going to make it.  I am responsible for everything including the business side of her passing.  I am having to settle accounts and make changes.  I almost lost it at the Social Security office today.  
It was so unexpected.  I left for work as usual and at 10:15, I was told there was a problem at home.  My Dad found her unconscious in the patio (a moment that still haunts him).  She never regained consciousness.  We had to make all the decisions for life support.  Mom refused to do an advanced directive.  I just feel so lost and alone.  When will my heart stop hurting, even for a little while.
Thanks for letting me ramble on.

[dingles]

My beloved mother passed away of July 3rd.  I am completely torn apart.  I lived in the same house as my mother for the 44 years of my life.  She was my mother and my best friend.  I can barely stand the hours that go by and cannot believe that I will never see or hear her again.  I took care of her for almost 2 years before her death.  She was a very smart and funny woman, who suffered horrible in those 2 years.  Sometimes the pain is so bad that I feel like I could scream up to the heavens.  My mother had some form of lund disease, but despite taking her to different hospitals, they could not completely figure out what was wrong with her.  She just continued to go down hill.  I am agonizing all the time because of not having a specific diagnosis...I don't know why.  I was with her when she passed, and I can't get her beautiful face out of my mind.  I am worried that this pain will go on forever.  I loved her so dearly.  Just know I understand your pain.  I feel completely lost as well.  I lost my father a little over a year ago as well.  We were not as close, but I feel like an adult orphan.  I do have siblings, but my mother and I were so very close, and this house feels empty without her.  I worry too about life after death.  I want to believe she is in a better place, but I can only hope.  I am sorry for all of your losses.

[Kathryn799]

My mother passed away on July 14, 2008 the day after my daughters 13th birthday. She was only 64. She went into the hospital on June 23, my sons Birthday and sent home and put on hospice that Friday. I knew she had cancer but she would not tell me everything. Because of Chemo we could not see her much in the past 10 months. At the funeral my sister told me she was not expected to live past last xmas. This did come to somewhat of a supprise to me. We were told we could start to come back out to their house 2 weeks before she went into the hospital. I know they were trying to protect me and I know she fought until the last week but it somehow makes it a sudden death to me. I got to say good bye and I held her hand while she went to be with God.  I am lost.  I have tried to talk to my big sister but the loss has pushed us even farther apart. My husband is great but I need the family I grew up withs support. It is too soon for my Dad to help. My parents had a love that you do not see anymore and I am there for him, my brother and my family. When my mom died I lost a big part of me. She was a wonderful Mother. She has helped me through everything in my life and now I have no where to turn. I want to pick up the phone and call so I will feel better but she is not there. I am OK at work because she taught me to be a lady and how to only show emotion at home.  She was an Angel on Earth and I understand God needs her now but I am not sure I can cope with this. I feel so empty.  My mom and Dad were really worried about me more so than my sister and brother. I promised my mom I would keep this family together like she did but I just can't seem to do it with out my sister. She has always put herself and her friends first before us. She only calls when she needs something. But I need her now and I do not know how to cope on my own. I want to stop crying and I do not want to burden my friends, none have lost any loved ones and I feel I might talk to them too much about my mom and my grief. Help me I do not know how to handle this. I am empty and lost with out my Mother who had a heart of gold always helped anyone in need and never said a bad word about anyone. She was the best RN, Friend, and Mother ever. Thanks for letting me ramble. Thanks for listening.

[allthatjazzz]

My mom passed away 2 weeks ago, and I'm having a terrible time with it, more and more each day. I can't breath, I feel physically sick, and I don't know what to do. She was 72, died unexpectedly, had journals documenting (just found) of chest pain and tiredness for the past two years. Never told us she loved us, but about 6 months ago started saying "love ya" at the end of conversations. Lack of never hearing it, it was unfamilar and not said back. I tell my kids every day that I lvoe them. but I am overwhelmed with grief.

[mong400]

Lost my mother, Shyama Chandwalker, in a road accident on Aug 12th, where she died on the spot. She was there and gone in an instant. She was 56yrs old and the best mom a person could have. Inspite of the struggles she had in life, she always was smiling and kept a positive outlook. I and my family are successful because of my mom. Cant express how much I miss her. As I live in a different country, she used to call up every day to enquire about how we were doing, how things were going, to tell her every little thing which happened in our lives. A number of times, I have not spoken enough with her- and it hurts me so much that I will never be able to now speak or hear or hug her again. Just dont know why it had to happen this way - to the best person I know and a person who deserved to live..

[Beachwalker33]

I lost not only my mother but my best friend.She passed away on Aug,14 of this year,due to ovarian cancer. I've been feeling like every emotional pain felt in my whole life has hit me all at once.She was living with me off and on for the last 5 years. She went through a horrible divorce was suffering from post traumatic stress lost her father and a month later was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. I took care of her through all this,went to LA with her during most of her chemo's stayed with her during surgery recovery prior to chemo. I had to leave my son at home, it was hard but, I was willing to do anything to see her recover, I failed the day she passed.I miss taking care of her. But keep trying to realize how much pain she was in and now she's at peace.  After 7 chemo treatments with Taxol and carboplatin the doctors seen no cancer remaining said see You in 3 months. About 6 weeks later,after she moved out,I noticed some weight loss called her doctor requested ca-125 test or ct scan they said no. By the time she went to the doctor as scheduled the cancer was in her liver and later 2 blockages were found in her intestines. She could not eat or go the bathroom for a month. It was diifficult to watch someone you love so much ,go through this. She had a stent in the right ureter in the kidney,it was no longer working. The doctors tried to change it out but were unable to due to the massive amounts of cancer in that area. When they attempted this the toxicity from her dying kidney went to her 1 functioning lung causing pneumonia and also went to her brain. Pneumonia was a blessing, the doctors said, otherwise she would have starved to death. For 22 hours prior to her passing her breathing was a horrible thing to hear. I kept my promise and kept her out of pain,I hope with the morphine.I miss her everyday and can just barely function.

[nicola751]

I lost my mother on the 13th of april,she had a sickness bug so we called out the doctor on the 11th which was her birthday, the doctor came out and gave her an injection to stop her being sick and said she would be fine. We were supposed to be going for a spar brake to celabrate her birthday but she told me she would be fine and to go so i wouldnt catch the bug or give it to my son, it was the last time i saw her.That was seven months ago and im really missing her ,that dosent justify how i feel but dont have the words to say it! I know its natural to feel this way but its so hard.Ive justl lost my german shepard who was like my best friend and its just bought it back , not that it ever really left, i miss her but the strange and probably the hardest thing to over come is life goes on with out them, even though we dont feel its right for us to feel like that,my heat and love goes out to you all.

[dawn18969]

I lost my mother on July 24th after a year long battle with cancer and many surgerys. She was on 54 and I am very sad and depressed as each day passes I thought it was suppose to get better it has not improved at all .. i have a very hard time getting all of the pain and suffering she went through ... it was the m ost horrible thing to see .. she was home with our family when she passed ... however mom and dad's house is not the same without my most special friend .. i have a really hard time visiting ... the holidays were horrible ... and i think the most horrible part of the entire ordeal is that i have a 20month old son that will never know his amazing grandmother ... my heart goes out to everyone ...

[Beargizmo]

I lost my mother when I was  8 years old...nearly 50 years ago and to this day I think of her and wonder what life would have been like had she lived...as I recall she was a wonderful, loving, caring mother, involved in local civic and school activities and I know she loved us a great deal..my dad ultimately remarried a few years later (too soon I believe) and our lives changed considerably..my stepmother tried hard to fill my mother's shoes and through the eyes of age I can see how difficult it was for her, since I have stepchildren now..I was probably closest to her, though we had our issues..she passed a year ago in March and I find I still miss her.......wanting to call her as my son suffered his final illness a couple months ago..wanting to call and just talk..it's so hard to accept she is gone too.


Jim

[mark27444]

to my fellow members of sad moments it pains to loss a loving mother ,l have not yet come to terms with it .she was the only remaining parent l had after losing my father nine years ago ,she was everything to me; but she is nomore . her relatives took advantage to loot evetrything she worked for in the name of  african traditional belief. she left me to take care of nine opharns being my late brothers and sisters siblings . l trust god shall  take good care of the moments as for me l have no solution, only  pain rules my life she died on 10/01/2010    

[Sadeyes4009]

I lost my mother October 2009.  She was hospitalized for two months.  She was vented for most of the time.  She was 83 and progressed as they said she would, meaning she would have a couple of good days of vent weaning and then she was have a few bad days.  Very much a roller coaster.  She suddenly began to bleed within her lungs and they never could stop it.  She died as I held her hand.  She lived in my home with my husband and my daughter for 6 years.  My father passed 22 years ago.  I was the youngest in my family and extremely close with my mom.  I do believe I am progressing and walking through my grief, but it is a very lonely path.  For no one can walk it with you.  No two people grieve the same. I have been blessed with some wonderful supportive friends who listen and listen to me.  I will get to points where I do realize she is with God, with the others she so terribly missed that had passed before her, but when I wake up the next morning I feel like I am living in the movie "Ground Hogs Day".  It is all back so raw and hurting the next morning all over again.  Always trying to put my hands and mind around the fact that she will never be here with me again and share my life here on earth.   I still get very tearful and my heart just simply aches.   No one has loved me for all of my 50 years so unconditionally, so deep....and now that person is gone from my life.  I sometimes feel I am standing in the center of everything and I am wanting to scream "DOES ANYONE REALIZE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED!"  Life does go on..obviously, but I currently don't feel I am really living it.  

[akjs19]

I WAS LOOKING FOR A BOOK TO BUY TO HELP ME GRIEVE THE LOSS OF MY MOM. THEN, I READ THROUGH THIS SITE AND IT CEMENTED MY THOUGHTS THAT YOU CAN ONLY KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU GO THROUGH IT. LOSING MY MOM HAS BEEN SOMETHING THAT IS TAKING A LONG TIME TO GET USED TO. MY MOM WAS 96 YEARS OLD AND RIGHT AWAY, YOU CAN IMAGINE THE REACTIONS I GET. BUT, SHE WAS MY MOM AND I WILL NEVER HAVE HER AGAIN. SHE HAD BEEN VERY DIFFERENT FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS DUE TO EXTREME DEMENTIA, BUT I GAVE HER MY LOVE, TIME, CARESSING, AND EVERYTHING THAT I KNEW WOULD MAKE HER SMILE. I STAYED WITH HER NIGHT AND DAY FOR THREE + WEEKS IN HOSPICE. I WAS THERE WHEN SHE PASSED AND I GAVE HER PERMISSION. NOW, ALL I WANT TO DO IS TAKE THOSE LAST TWO BREATHS BACK  AND THE PERMISSION THAT I GAVE. I JUST WANT TO HOLD HER FOR TWO MORE DAYS. I KNOW THAT I SAID EVERYTHING I WANTED TO, I HELD HER, WE ABSOLUTELY ADORED EACH OTHER. EVERYTHING SEEMED IN PLACE, BUT I STILL CRY EVERYDAY AND MISS HER SO MUCH. IT HAS BEEN FOUR MONTHS. I THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS A LONG TIME, BUT AFTER READING THE ENTRIES, I AM ASSURED THAT IT IS NOT TOO LONG. IN SOME WAYS, I DO NOT WANT MY MOURNING TO END. BUT, I DO REALIZE THAT IT IS EATING ME UP. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS A CLOUD OVER ME. MY FRIENDS ARE GREAT, BUT THEIR MOMS ARE ALIVE. I DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN, BUT I THINK THAT THEY WILL ONLY UNDERSTAND THE MAGNITUDE OF THE LOSS WHEN IT HITS THEM. I DO KNOW, WITH ALL MY HEART, THAT I WILL BE THERE FOR THEM IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY. EXPERIENCE TEACHES A LOT. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO MADE ENTRIES. NOW, I KNOW THAT WHAT I FEEL AND MY DIFFICULTY IN 'GETTING OVER IT' IS NOT WEIRD. I REALLY THINK THAT I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT. I HOPE THAT I LEARN TO HANDLE IT WITH LESS EMOTION. WE'LL SEE. I MISS YOU MOM!!!