loss of my 31 yr old son

I am not sure what I want to say. Why I have not been on my beloved MedHelp in some while. I can journal about how my son died. Yet, so hard to express how I am feeling. I know though it is part of the grief journey I am on. Mainly I have just become very quiet. What I don't get is this...why my family will not talk about Todd my son that passed away? Especially his brother and sister. I hunger to hear his name mentioned. And I am suppose to act okay around everyone. I have had to celebrate Easter, my birthday etc. Didn't want a birthday at all. I am in mourning. But, no one listened. I am so not in the place to celebrate. My husband says I focus too much on Todd. My husband was Todd's step-father. I just lost my son on Jan. 11, 2011. This Saturday it will just be 5 months since I lost Todd. I am not okay. And no one sees it. Why anymore I just remain so quiet. The loss of a child takes many paths. I know I am on it. I feel alone during this. I have other children and grandchildren. I know this. But yet, I am taking my son's death most hard. I am just lost.

[anxious09]

hi, i was just browsing and saw yr post by accident.

first of all i am very deeply sorry for your loss.

well i am fem 35 y.old and i have 3 children, 2 boys (9,7) and 1 girl (nearly 4). well let me tell you this you can have 500 children still if one is missing from your life for various reasons you will stil feel empty inside. that said people have their own way of coping with loss. when i lost my dear dear grandma 14 yrs ago i was so devastated i developed a thyroid condition. my mum (it was her mother) cried, mourned and moved on. maybe they try to act normally around you so as not to upset you further. my advice is to sit them all down and explain how you feel.

take care and don't be afraid to cry .it will do you good. just remember this if it were me i would want my mum to be ok to remember me but to live her life too.

lost of hugs

[jml1986]

Omg, you have to talk about Todd. He is still your son and he is still very alive in your heart. I remember when I lost my dad, and I called what you are going through, the leper stage. No one wanted to talk to me about my dad for fear of making me hurt, but in reality not talking about him hurt more. I had to keep him alive in my heart and I could not do that if no one wanted to ever talk about him. People think that not talking about your lost loved ones is the easiest way to let the family heal, but that is not true. I know for me, talking was the key to me to even begin to start the healing process.

[lisaob1]

i to lost my little girl but 15 years ago and from one mum to another.you will be ok.keep strong.god bless x

[29sillygirl]

You need quiet and to talk about Todd.  My son, Brooks, was shot and killed in March 2010 by my ex.  I can tell you it takes time to move through the early days.  I saw a therapist twice and she helped me to understand the whole process.  We are all different of course, but there are phases that seem universal.  My three other children have resumed their busy lives....we don't communicate much.  I stood firm on using my son's name as well as using the correct word for how he died.  This irritated my daughter, but I didn't care.  I can use his name easily these days....laughing about how fun he was ..and all his quirks and adventures.  
Take all the time you need.  The therapist told me we need to be in a safe place...and quiet is not bad...think of the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva...
If you ever want to talk I usually am here for awhile each day.  What I want you to know is that my MH friends were the greatest support I received as I went thru' the hard first year.

Yeah....birthdays...I don't think so.  And all holidays seemed like insults to me.  I have never been big on that stuff .....so easy to put my foot down, and do simple get togethers.

Best ...

[mammo]

Hi.  Your post caught my eye because 12 years ago I lost my son at the age of 31.  I think your family is pretending to be okay and your children probably want to talk as much as you.  You be the leader, talk about your son, sit down together as a family and allow everyone to say what they are feeling.  I don't know what kept me going except I knew my adult children could not endure another loss, and I have grandchildren that lost their dad.....they couldn't take losing me too!  I pretended to be okay for their sake, but when alone it was a different story....and still is.  Journaling your feeling helps a lot, it is very therapeutic for us.  I made somewhat of a shrine for my son....I did whatever made me feel better.  Maybe hang a photo of your son and ask that each member find or buy a little something representative of what Todd enjoyed and either hang it around the photo, or lay it on a table beneath.   I did this for my son and it was a little baseball and ball glove, football, etc. There are no words to console someone when they have lost a child....there is no greater loss and a million times worse than one can imagine.  My loss pulled us even closer as a family, I wish the same for you.  Sit down with the photo albums, of course you'll cry but there will be memories to make all of you smile. I'm sure your children have so much pent up emotions and just don't know what to do with it, or express themselves....show them how to do this.  Make Todd's favorite meal, go around the table and have each one tell something funny they remember about Todd.  I dislike holidays very much, but it's not all about me, and I have to put on a happy face for everyone....but at the same time...they are doing the same.  We all miss him greatly, and there is a void in all our lives that will never be filled again.  Don't hide your pain, your heart is broken and that's okay.  Big hugs and I do wish you peace within.

[JennieJoe]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  You need to do whatever helps you to deal with your son's death.  If being quiet helps you - then be quiet.  If it helps you to talk about your son - then talk.  If you need to cry or scream - do so.  Everyone deals with a death in their own way.  There is no timetable.  There is no formula.  There is no right way and no wrong way.  You need to give yourself permission to grieve in your own way.  They say time heals all wounds.  I'm not sure that all wounds heal but I do know that as time goes by it becomes easier to live with a loss.  My daughter was killed in 2003 by her husband when she was 28.  She will always be with me just as your son will always be with you.  Give yourself time.

[Jojoju]

I lost my son on August 26, 2011, a day before my birthday. He was only 22, I think about him everyday, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him or cry. It is hard and difficult to surpass and we never will,  me and my husband were about to divorce because he didn't know how to handle my grieving. Our grieving will never go away it will be something we just have to cope with and ask God for support in handling and dealing with it our way the best way we can. I do have 2 other boys that were also so very close to their brother and they are just taking it one day at a time. My son though left 2 gorgeous girls that will remind me of him everyday of my life and I love those girls with all my heart! Just take it at your pace, talk when you want and talk about whatever you want he was your son. As for your children they are probably just holding it in and they need to talk to. Just sit with them in a room and just cry with them, believe me it helps, thats what I did with both my boys. They need to talk about it just like you do. My heart goes out to you for your loss. Love to you and your family.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I am touched by what You say.  It SO MUCH mirrors my own feelings.  I lost my son 3 1/2 years ago.  No one EVER says anything to me and this makes me so SAD!!.  They do not mention Him, they do not acknowledge Him in any way. It's like He never existed.  One side of me "understands" that others do not know what to say - but the other side of me says "for crying out loud!! don't You know I NEED Your acknowledgement!!  what's WRONG with YOU?? why don't You get this??!!
I once had someone say to me they didn't want to say anything cuz they didn't want to bring it up because it might upset me.  HOW STUPID!!  IS THAT??!!  How come someone/anyone wouldn't realize that it's on MY mind ALL THE TIME!!??  - are they suggesting that I'm gonna only think about my Son if they mention Him!!?? - instead of realizing that maybe I'm sitting here wondering why they don't ever say anything?????!!!!!, why they act as though He never EXISTED??!!

I lost my Son on January 15, 2008, just days before his 41st BirthDay.  I have much to say to You, much, probably to learn from You.  I hope we will talk again.  Don't feel alone.....You are not alone.