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my little brother strangled to death, how do I comfort my mom and famil...
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my little brother strangled to death, how do I comfort my mom and family?

I was in high school in my junior year.  It was a weekend on a sunday and my three little brothers were out side playing cowboys.  I was up in my room, my dad was taking a nap and my mom went to the garage for a few minutes.  My little brother Layne came into the house and continuing the game on his own he took a dog leash, tied it around the banister and the other end he tied around his neck, being high up on the step he lost his balance and literally hung himself and strangled to death. my youngest brother found him. he got my mom and she started screaming, all of us came in and saw him including my two remaining younger brothers, I called an ambulance and they took him away and that was the last time my brothers and I saw him. my parents went in the ambulance and my brothers and I were taken to the nieghbors were we were grilled seperatly over and over again on ou parents parenting by the police, we werent allowed to go to our house because it was under police investigation.  as you can imagine what it was like for my little brothers, one was only 12, the youngest was 8. we werent allowed to see each other for hours. finally my parents came home but still we werent allowed to go home. finally in the early morning of the next day we were able to go home. but then the social workers came and the grilling started all over again, hardley giving us anytime to give in to the terrible grief we were all suffering.
Its been 3 years now and though I feel I am moving on from what happened, my family still seems trapped in the past especially my mom.  Having just had a miscarriage I understand a little of the extra grief she is feeling more than the rest of us and I want to be there for her, for her to have someone to talk to but the more I talk to her the more she seems to pull away.  But then leaving her alone in her grief doesnt seem to be doing anything for her either.  I am recently married and so I am no longer living at home but I worry about her and my family.  My brothers need a mother and I want to help her on the path of letting go but I dont know if Im only makin it worse for her. should I back off and simply be there for my brothers? or should I keep trying?
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185634_tn?1257074739
Oh honey.....I am so very sorry that you lost your brother and were put through such trauma!!  That had to have been horrible.

As a mom of two teenage boys, I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like losing a child.  Has your mom gone to any grief counseling?  Have you or your brothers?  This is a tragic thing to happen.  I've never been to grief counseling myself, but know people that have and it helps because they're amongst others that have experienced the same thing.

I pray that God brings your whole family peace through this difficult time.  My advice to you is to be there for your brothers AND your mom.  Even though you think she's stuck, I'm sure having you there for her is helping more than you know.

Take care!

Lori
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332074_tn?1229564125
It sounds like she needs you more now then ever, but she needs counseling as well. She needs to learn how to go on, and she doesn't seem to be able to from what you have said.

I can't even imagine the pain your mom must be in. Along with grieving for the lose of her son, she probably is blaming herself for his death, although it was not her fault.

The bad thing about the death of any loved ones is that we wrap ourselves up in that one day, the day they died, and we forget the many other days they lived.

I would stick by her, but I would continue to stress that she needs help.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you I will do that.  I have encouraged her to get help many times but I will continue to try and not give up. I will also enourage them to get help for my brothers, and maybe in that way it will encourage her to go as well.
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Avatar_f_tn
i lost my son my only child on october 16, 2005. the grief was such a deep black pit. he was shot by a little black man with a big gun during a minor traffice accident. i saw the man at the murder trial and i will never forget his face. in 4 more years he wil be up for parole and i will talk to the parole board to keep him in there. i wish he would be killed in prision in the mean time. now i think all black men have guns and they will kill your children. but thats not true and i know it. i was in such deep depression after it happened i drank a lot of alcohol and tried sucicide several times.

finally when i was ready i saw a greif counceler. she was incredibly helpful. i feft so much better after seeing her. i told her that i had dreams of giving birth to him and then in my dreams he started growing up, he would be in his diapers or i would be giving him a bath in the tub. it took a year of dreams, then finally he was 28 years old and he looked at me and said good bye.

while in prayer i got a feeling that was unbeleavable, i felt the lord and light and intense love. then i knew my son was with great love. he was very very happy.  this gave me great peace.

it takes time, time, time. i felt great guilt and wanted to die instead of him. but you work out these things in time. i don't cry all the time now. i would cry in the grocery store, at the traffic light, everywhere. i would hear him calling me, mom, mom. i would turn around and it would see some other mothers child calling for her. i would see him in the mall as a teenager when seeing another teenage boy. april 12th would of been his 31st birthday.

i keep his picture upside down, it hurts to much to see it. he looked so very much like me. i hope some day that i will see him again.

your mon will get better and i do think a good grief counceler would help a great deal. it feels so good to get things out and to know that other people have goon through the simular thing (unfortunatly.)
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Avatar_m_tn
That was a very good reply Abby.  I have one child and I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him.  But I would have the hope also, if that ever came to pass, of eventually seeing him again in Heaven.

For the poster - I am so sorry that this happened to you.  I didn't realize that about you.  I think it was wrong for your and your siblings to be treated with so little sensitivity at the time.

Our church actually has a grief counseling ministry (non-denominational) separate and apart from our church building.  Whether your mom is religious or not, you might check with some local churches to see if they offer similar services.

Likewise, I know that the psychologist that I go to, among other things, specializes in grief counseling.  Tell your mom that I never in a hundred years saw myself going to a psychologist.  But they (or at least mine) is incredibly compassionate, knows everything there is to know about how our minds operate (seriously - I am stunned at every visit by the revelations he brings out) and it just plain feels good to be able to chat privately with somebody about all of your issues.  I never saw myself going to a psychologist but now I ask myself why I waited so long!  Your mom will be the same, I suspect, once she commits to seeing a psychologist or some other counselor.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of everyone on this page yet I would like to say something to Hawaiibunny.
Last year I was involved in a horrific accident which claimed the life of my daughters friend. This person who was driving the other car was trying to run us off the road. Needless to say, I was grief stricken as if this child were my own. The anger I felt was overwhelming to say the least. This year I woke up on New Years Day and vowed to myself I was going to forgive her. This is not an easy road to travel down, especially when the other person doesnt care that they hurt you, none the less, I pray all the time for God to give me the courage to forgive her and believe it or not, it is comforting to forgive. I cant imagine how you feel but know one day your heart will remember all the good and not the evil. Many prayers your way!
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