son and mother passed away 12 years ago.

[Mozartcowgirl]

I cannot get over my sons and mothers deaths.. they passed within a months of each other.. both sudden.. both very tragic. its been 12 years. I cannot continue with my life... I have tried to  hard.. to  get through each day... this is the first year i have been able to have his crematory box out.. and i even read his autopsy report. His death day is November 4th..and my mothers is December 29.  I feel so alone. I know im not..but here..in my world..I am .. i know there are others out there going through what I am going through.. but.. i just cant explain how heart broken I am . I have had such a bad string of luck since my son and mother passed... i cant describe it.. from friends not being real friends and betraying me in every way possible.. to the inability to be happy all the time.  On the inside .. i am crumbling... on the outside.. i seem very normal.. and function as best i can. to me.. this never gets easier. themore i denied it would get easier.. the worse it has gotten. i dont know what to do anymore. ugh. its just this looming... heavy.. sadness i cannot get out of.

[mammo]

I am so sorry for all you're enduring, and I can relate.  I lost both my parents when I was 25 in a car accident, a husband, son and grandson.  I've accepted all but my son and grandson, and like you, appear so happy and positive on the outside and so empty on the inside.  People can and do disappoint us, but we can't take this personally, they have their own issues. I take an antidepressant which literally saved my life.  You need to seek help with this, some things are just too big for us to handle on our own. I used to read my son's autopsy report as well, but stopped because it was so painful and we don't need to keep re-living our loss like that.  My grandson's autopsy I have refused to hear the results of, I cannot take hearing of anymore of his suffering.  I just want to remember his last words to me "I love you grandma" and his sweet smile that lit up the room and my heart.  He bled to death, I don't need the details.  I know you have people who love and need you, and your mother and son would want you to move on and be happy, make your life a tribute to them!  I lost my son 11 years ago...feels like yesterday, and my grandson will be gone 2 years on Dec. 1st.  Their ashes sit side by side in my former daughter-in-law's home, where my grandson has to see them every day. This time of year is a tough one for us in many ways, but please be strong for your mother and son.  Get help so you can find some peace, you deserve this.  I don't think there are any words to ease your pain, but know that others care and do understand. Big hugs to you and take care.....

[abby10]

Yeah, I think I know what you mean. I lost my Mom in 2000 and my only child, my Son, in 2005. He was murdered. I have found acceptance with my Mom, but I still miss her. But my Son...it will always hurt to my core, everyday of my life, until the day I die. Never will it be alright... never.

He still has birthdays to me. I've decided to keep him alive in my memory, I don't have to completely let him go.

Some days aren't so bad, but always it comes back, how much I still feel him and miss him. I've just given up expecting me to feel "normal" again.

Have you tried grief counseling? It helped me to hear from other Mothers that have gone through similar experiences. Some of their stories are so horrible, yet they go on. So I go on too.

It's my gift to live. My Son and my Mother have shown me that they want it that way. They want me to be happy as they now are.  So I try.

Love to you,

abby