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unexpected loss of mother
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unexpected loss of mother

I recently loss my mother very suddenly and unexpected. She had just turned 50 a month before she past away that was JANUARY 11, 2013. It has been very tough and the hardest thing I know I will ever deal with. My mom lived life perfect, She never drank or smoked. She worked her whole life and had 5 kids that she took pride and joy in. I feel like everyday is a struggle to get through and is growing more and more miserable each day that goes on. My mother was the backbone to the family she kept things in order and was always on time for everything. She always gave anybody that needed it, a listining ear and a couple words of advice no matter what the situation and always made it understood that she would do anything for us, her kids. No matter what it was she would do absolutly anything for us, and if she couldn't she would do her very best to do what she could. It does not seem real that my mother is never going to be there no more. I feel and/or keep telling myself that she is just gone for a little bit and she'll be back soon. But then other memories start going through my head and I come to my senses that shes really gone forever. And I start thinking how did this happen. I dont understand. She wasn't ill or sick at all, She had no medical conditions and was in good health. She wasn't in no pain or discomfort or anything. No illness that would give us or her the sense or thoughts that she needed medical attention. I was working when I got the call that my dad had found her in her room on the floor on her side of the bed unconcious and not breathing and was blue. My heart dropped as I started begging god to please let me see my mom and spend just a couple seconds with her as I raced to the hospital. The doctors worked on her for what seemed like hours and I lost my sense of will to live and will to be sucessful in life whenever the doctor said my mom was gone, that they did everything they could. But just could not get her heart to start beating again. Tell this day they have no autopsy resport and keep telling us they are still working on it and the whole case us under investigation because my mom was a healthy young woman... In other words they couldn't figure out her cause of death. Life is literally falling apart for our family nothing is right no more and pain fills my heart and mind when I think, did she feel pain before she went, or what was she thinking, was she begging and praying to god to live and help her, and did she go within seconds or was she suffering? All these thoughts and more run through my head everyday and is bringing me to a dark place thats getting to be depressing. Does anyone have a little guidence or recommendations like greiving books, or personal experiences to help me understand and deal with my loss? Thanks.....
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1530171 tn?1448133193
Hi nandez45.

I'm very sorry for your sudden loss.
If there's one positive aspect of your mom's passing, it is the very same thing that makes it so much more devastating for the surviving members of the family, the sudden occurrence without any warning!
What is worse than death, however, is extreme and prolonged suffering, pain and anxiety, none of which were present according to you knowledge, from your account of what took place and if there was any suffering at all, it might have been just momentarily*. See PS at the end.
So her peaceful and free of suffering passing, is indeed a Blessing!

Last year my youngest brother passed on suddenly and a couple months later my mom passed on.
What helped me go through this and deal with their passing better, were:

1.My strong Spirituality, knowing there's a continuation of life, after this life,
much better and free of problems, worries, illness, concerns, as all these are only meant for learning lessons and growing in this physical world that we live in.

2. I had to dig very deep inside me to find Inner Strength, so I could be there for my dad, who had lost the will to carry on his own life.
I prayed and meditated, which helped me stay connected to my Divine Source, which in turn guided me to do the right things and manage to give my dad the encouragement and support he absolutely needed.

3. In my own search for answers, I discovered gifts that both my late brother and mom had left me. My brother had left me the gift of Compassion, Patience and Understanding, as he was challenged, both physically and mentally. Growing up, with such a situation at home, believe me, one learns from very young to accept, forgive and understand.
And of course patience!
My mom on the other hand, left me the gift of Kindness, Unconditional Love and Spirituality.
And by living my life, inspired by those special gifts, I feel gratitude that I can honor their life with something that can help impact others, and this,  my Brother- I take the liberty to call you my Brother, as we are all connected, we are all one big family sharing the same Source, regardless of color, race, language etc.- is something eternal & immortal.

Two days before my mom's passing my daughter posted in her blog- on May 2, 2012, an article: "The Everlasting Pulse of Life",without knowing that her grandma had taken ill.
On May 4th, her Grandma passed on, but you must read this article and watch the short video, to understand the connection.
Note: You might shed some tears, but they will be soothing tears!
I have watched this video a dozen times and each time...well you know.
It's titled "Passing On" and recited by Michael Lee the young poet who wrote it.
"We don’t disappear. Our essence is freed from the body, but permeates into eternity.  “When we die, we go everywhere.” And, when we speak about death, we aren’t just talking about loss… we are really talking about life."
I invite anyone who has experienced Loss to visit my daughter's blog,
as her words can reach your Soul, your Spirit and give meaning to things that may challenge us in our lives often without obvious explanation or reason. (There's always an explanation and a reason)
(Just be a little patient to get to the May 2nd, 2012 article and video, which is 3 pages back )

Please feel free to comment in this community, share experiences,
offer support to others. This way you feel you are a part of this community,
a place where we all have something very strong in common and a place where  there are no family politics, no blame, no misunderstanding, no judgement. It's all good!
God Bless You All!

PS. *There's a genetic link to sudden heart attacks and cardiac arrest,
that predisposes people to these without any symptoms and without any warning.
Here's the link for an article in Forbes that explores "The Mystery of Sudden Cardiac Arrest":
I'm not implying this is the actual cause of death, but it is likely.

4924934 tn?1361115733
Nikodicreta, Thank you for the time you took to read and really understand where im coming from. Im very sorry for the 2 losses you had in your family I can relate to the situation. I also lost my grandma (dads mom) in Feb. 2012 but her passing was planned and understandable in a sense because we had time to say goodbye and spend with her, she struggled with diabetes for years and years and was on dyalisis 3x a week. She was tired and lived a decent life. Had the honors of seeing her great great grandchildren. when she decided it was time to go, because she wasn't living life no more & everyday was a struggle and full of pain, it broke our hearts and we tried giving her hope and strength but she was ready to go. After she was in the comfort of her home and surrounded by family she helped us understand her decisions and we appriciated her and let her know she was and would forever be truly loved and missed & had the chances to say our thanks and good-byes.
Then in May 2012, just a couple months later not yet fully recovered and greived from the loss of our grandma, my baby nephew just 6mo. old  suddenly passed away. It broke my sisters heart to lose such a precious blessing and has always had a rough time getting pregnant. We waited so long so so long for this lil guy the only boy in our family (the rest are girls)  to be born. He was healthy and full of life always brought a smile to your face even when you where having a bad day. He passing really took a toll on everyone. It wasn't just my family who was suffering the loss but his other family too. My sister mourned and greived for months and months and still is. She kept blaming herself with WHAT IF. But after his cause of death re
4924934 tn?1361115733
............. sorry my computer keeps acting up I didn't mean to send it. But I will get back to you asap. Works callin me.
Thanks for your time and understanding advice I can really relate to this and it feels a little better getting advice from some1 thats been thru the same situations and reading how others have delt with the sudden loss of some1 so close and dearly loved. Thanks so much.
Avatar f tn
Hi.....I am so very sorry for your loss.  Although we know we will lose our mom one day...I don't think we truly believe it.  When I was 25 I lost both my parents in a car accident so I know your pain.  Then I lost a son and grandson and I wanted so badly to go with them.  But as a mother myself I can tell you the one thing your mom wants more than anything is for all of you to live a happy life.  It sounds like she was the best mother and she will live on in all of you and shine through in all you do.  I didn't read any books when I lost my parents, but I had trouble letting go of the idea that I would never see them again.  I think it would be good for you to journal all your feelings and emotions right now, putting all of this down on paper is very therapeutic and serves as a form of release for us.  You can make it a tribute to your mom, write about anything you will make you feel better. I did this for my son and grandson and it helped so much.  Most importantly take the time to grieve, be patient with yourself.  Have the family get together and remember your mom, it will be very difficult but you will find yourselves also laughing at some of the things you remember.  This is how your mom wants to see all of you, she doesn't want this to pull you apart but bring you together.  Do whatever helps you feel better, for me with my son it was a little shrine to him with everything he enjoyed in his short life.  It gave me comfort.  I don't think your mom suffered and went peacefully.  I know none of this makes sense to you in all your pain, just take it one day at a time and be patient with yourself.  You've been through a lot and sometimes therapy can help.  For me it was concentrating on the ones I still had and needed me.  One day at a time and know everything you feel if okay....anger, pain, all the "whys, life can feel so unfair.  What wonderful memories you all have of your mom, share these and let her goodness be the wind beneath your wings that carry you through this time.  Live a life that makes her smile down and think "that's my girl."  Big hugs to you.
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