you have given me hope

[inneedofhelp82]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to put this on, i don't want to annoy anyone its not my intention. I have been reading alot of posts about suicide and how badly it affects those left behind and it has really made me think about my family. I have been suicidal for a long time now i suffer from major depressive disorder and ptsd, i have attempted suicide three times in the past 8 months and at that point i never thought on my family, i know that sounds so selfish but i felt so much hurt and pain i thought of no one, reading these posts i can see how devastating it is for the families left behind and my heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with grief.
I am not a selfish person i love my family i just have alot of hurt in my life, what i wanted to say was i am going to think of my family always and ask for help in time instead of acting, well i will try to. I wish you's all the best.

[mammo]

It sounds like you are in good hands.  

[inneedofhelp82]

My psychiatrist said i should take medication but i told him no, we talked for a long time he is really good, he is recommending that i stay with the therapist i have now for a while longer before they try to change it over to someone else. He also put a safety plan in place who i contact when i feel at my worst, he said they are all there to help i just need to use them. I told him i am trying harder to think of other people. All has been calm for a week or so i hope it stays that way but i am sick with a throat infection i think thats why i am calmer and i won't take medication for it either.
I hope all is well with you. Take care

[mammo]

The important thing is that you are making choices and doing your best to move forward.  Your children should never hear bad things about their mother, and if your parents don't understand this, then they don't deserve to see the children.  She is doing more harm to them than good.  Good luck tomorrow and keep me posted.  Stay strong.

[inneedofhelp82]

That makes sense, i won't be contacting them anyway and if she calls to see my children i am going to say no, if they don't want me then i won't be allowing them access to my children espically when they badmouth me and my partner to them.
I am feeling depressed as usual but i see my psychiatrist tomorrow so i will be talking to him about what to do. I hope all is well with you. Take care

[mammo]

I think you have been blaming yourself for your parent's actions, when the fault lies with them.  You've quietly suffered to not upset them, it's been all about them, your feelings have never been considered.  I do think it's time to think of yourself so you can get better, and when you are in a better place, maybe your parents will be as well, and you three can make amends.  Family, (actually anyone) can be strange in that so long as you are constantly reaching out to them, they keep pulling away.  When you are no longer reaching out to them, they do notice, and this will be when they start doing some serious thinking.  Stay strong and take care.

[inneedofhelp82]

It seems in every family there is always one person who is left out or doesn't fit. I really believe the way i was brought up turned me into the person i am today, my therapist said the lack of support left me so vulnerable which is why now i don't have a safe place when i take panic attacks which have got alot worse since the fallout.
I know i need to think of my family but on days when the depression is really bad its hard to think of anyone but i am trying, it makes sense about the acceptance part i have always wanted their acceptance so bad, i even hid my anxiety and panic from them because my mother said i was useless for having panic attacks and argraphobia, i get angry when i think of her and i have never said a wrong word to her even when she upset me. I have discussed them with my therapist and social worker and they said not to make any decisons now but i have to.
You have done a great job with your children it can't have been easy raising them on your own you should be really proud of yourself.
I guess if i think of it as its their problem that they treat me the way they do then i won't be so upset, i feel to blame for not pleasing them but really what more could i do.
Thanks again for you help. You have been through so much yourself and still help other people, to me thats amazing.

[mammo]

I never felt like I fit in with my family, I was the only one singled out to work, clean and babysit.  I had no childhood, too busy taking care of my younger brothers and sister, and working,  there were 7 kids.  Friends from my teenage years all asked why I have no resentment towards my parents because they saw how I was treated, and how I couldn't do any of the fun stuff like school dances and such.  I told them that it's because of their treatment of me that I am the person I am today, and not like my siblings.  So I am grateful to them in an odd way.  Their treatment made me a very strong and independent person, who learned to do everything on my own. It was a very lonely feeling growing up, but all I ever knew.  I was hell bent on being the mother to my kids that I never had.  They've always known how much I love and suppord them, we have always been very close and still are.  It was just the four of us for a long time, and we had a very happy home.  I left home at 17 married and had 3 babies by the age of 22.  My husband died, leaving me with 3 babies ages 4 and under, again alone to do this on my own.  No insurance, money, car, education or family.  But I worked hard for them, they deserved so much and with hard work I worked my way up the ladder in the corporate world and provided very well for them.  This was good, but more importantly for me was that they know unconditional love, respect for others and themselves, responsibility and to not be afraid to work hard for what you want.  I compared myself to an orphan, and they can do it, so why couldn't I?  It hasn't all been easy, theres a lot more to my story, but I want you to know that you can do this too.  You have your own family now, and don't need your parent's approval.  It would be nice if you did, but this is how it is right now, and you just need to make the best of it.  I think your children are better off right now with not seeing them, and how poorly they treat their mother.  It sounds like you have a loving, supportive partner and wonderful children, this is your family now.  Concentrate on what you have and be the mother to your children that you wish you had. A therapist once told me that as we grow, we have to leave things behind, and sometimes these things are people. Rid yourself of the negativity they bring to you, and concentrate on your life.  Refuse to be their victim, and when you are moving forward and no longer reaching out to them for acceptance, they may start reaching for you. Either way, you have a family to think about, don't be defined by them and their treatment of you.  They are the ones that are wrong, not you.

[inneedofhelp82]

You are an amazing person, an inspiration to me, you have done so well for yourself and your children. I think you were right if they weren't good then there was no point hurting yourself by being around them.
I am trying to accept the way things are with my family if i think about it i never fitted there, they were ashamed of me for having children so young in their eyes i done everything wrong. They hate my partner, he's not perfect but he stands by me and supports me thats much more than they ever done. I feel for my children because they have to miss out on their grandparents but its their choice, i went back twice and took my children to see them and they just threw it in my face, so no more. I don't have friends but i have my children and my therapist and social worker are a great support.
I need to try and move forward its hard at times though when i am in that dark place and no one is able to help me.
You have been through so much and are still so positive that to me is amazing.
Thankyou for your support, i really appreciate it.

[mammo]

Good for you for getting out and not only showing your children a good time, but yourself as well!  Our families can be very hurtful, and also toxic to us, and this is when we have to decide what is in our best interest.  I started working at 9 to help support my 5 brothers a sister, and my parents.  If I wasn't working I was babysitting.  My parents took all my money, but I didn't mind.  I did without everything, even lunch at school.  But when my parents died in the car accident, my dad's retirement was left to me, it wasn't very much, and I only had one brother under 18 and he came to live with me.  All my siblings have been in and out of trouble all their lives, I was the only one who worked and never gave them any problems.  My dad knew I would care for my younger siblings should something happen to him, that I was the responsible one, and maybe his was of saying thank you to me. But by the time I paid for two funerals and two headstones, there was no money left.  My siblings (being led by my oldest brother) turned against me because my dad left this money to me.  They couldn't see that it was his choice and why.  My parents died in September and it was my oldest brother that told me the money was left to me, after he tried to collect it.  I didn't look into it until December at which point my brother had taken it thru probate in an attempt to get it which failed. They were always coming to me for money, a place to live, etc and I always helped them, even though they were adults.  I tried to be a part of their lives, but it was pointed out to me by my therapist that I didn't fit in their world any more than they would fit into mine.  They really weren't good people and I didn't want their influence around my kids. I cut all ties to them and concentrated on my kids. It was the best thing I could have done, and I have no regrets.  But I did raise 3 wonderful children, all college graduates, who are caring, responsible adults, which my siblings never became.  I lost my oldest, but he was a wonderful man, husband and father, I was and still am very proud of him.

[inneedofhelp82]

After a really bad day yesterday and last night i thought i was going mad, i got up today and took my children to the wildlife park to feed the deer and the ducks, i thought i can't feel much worse so going out could only help. It was actually relaxing for a while, the two wee ones loved it and i feel better i'm not totally useless.
Did you have a fall out with your brothers and sister? I have two brothers but they don't speak to me one of them threatened me last week in front of my mother, she never said one word in my defence so my partner called the police as my mother had my daughter and wouldn't let me take her home.
I think its very hurtful the way my parents treat me but i have to move on, you are right in saying i have done without their support for so long so i don't need them now.
Thankyou for your words of support they really help.
I was with my doctor today because i felt so ill yesterday and last night but he said its depression and anxiety making me feel this way and i need medication but i said no, but i have my psychiatrist on Friday so i will discuss the medication with him.
At least i can say today that i done something that was good and nice so its not all bad.
I have decided i won't be in touch with my parents i don't need the hassle.
Thanks again, i hope all is well with you.

[mammo]

I know you can be a wonderful mother!  The past is just that, you can't change it but you can change what your life is like from here forward.  You see how much it affects you to not have your parents, don't allow this to happen to your children.  Get on with your life, I think one day your parents will see the light, and then it will be your choice whether or not to have a relationship with them.  I have 5 brothers and a sister whom I've not seen or talked to for 35 years, and I've done just fine without them.  When I wanted to be a part of their lives, they didn't want me, now that so many years have passed they want to be in my life.  I have chosen not to allow this, they are like strangers to me now.  I have no anger or bitterness, I just don't know them.  I let them go and concentrated on raising my children, and never looked back.  Think long and hard about medication, it can change your life so much!  There are so many of us struggling with this, and most people who pass you in the store are struggling with their own issues as well.  I didn't have my parents to help me, and this is the state of mind you need to have right now.  You've come a long way without their support, and you can keep going. The best thing you can do for you, your kids and parents, is to make a good life for yourself in spite of what has been thrown your way.  Be the parent they haven't been, set an example of what a good parent is and how to support your children always.  Your children deserve unconditonal love which you can give them.  They need you soooo much.  Keep moving forward and consider the medication, you would feel so much better, and more confident to do what you need to do.  No more sadness, and more laughter.

[inneedofhelp82]

Thankyou for your kind words they really help, i have felt so depressed for so long i never thought i would feel any hope again, and i never expected to find it on this community, maybe it helped by making me see that other people are suffering not just me.
I wish i could be the parent i used to be but maybe i need to accept that can never happen and i should try to be the best i can for now, when i think how happy i used to be it depresses me even more, i need to stop focusing on the past and try to move on. Maybe medication is my next option, my therapist has tried hard and its not working so he is referring me onto someone else which i don't want because my therapist has always been there for me and i will miss him alot I feel i have been missing out on so much since i have been depressed and my parents not caring really didn't help but it doesn't help to think about it, i need to think of my own children not my parents. Anyway today is an ok day, still depressed but trying to hang on to any hope i can so thankyou.

[mammo]

Shame on your parents for doing this to you.  But you are a strong person, with people who need and love you, concentrate on them, they are who matters right now.  Never let your parents actions define who and what you are in life, they have a bigger problem and have to live with themselves.  I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25, and it was my husband who gave me support, and my 3 kids who I fought for. Let your children be the wings beneath your wings, hold onto your partner and soar.  You can set a wonderful example for your children, and I know you want to see them grow up, nobody will love and care for your children like you can.  You have to do without your parents (their choice) I know you don't want your children to not have you.  Rise above all this and be the person I know you are inside.  A lot of us thought we could do this on our own, but sometimes things are just too much for us to handle alone.  If medication gives you your life back, and allows you to be happy, and care for your children, why not try it?  I know I wouldn't be here today without medication.  You stay strong, we're always here, and feel free to PM me anytime.  Take care.

[inneedofhelp82]

Thankyou i am so glad i didn't upset anyone.
I have a psychiatrist, therapist and a social worker who are all trying to help, so far i have refused medication but if it gets much worse i will have to consider something, i always thought i could do this myself but i can't.
I am sorry for your loss of your grandson and son.
My parents don't support me because the first time i attempted to end my life they cut me of, they were embarassed by me, they don't speak to me anymore, but there is nothing i can do about that. I have a great partner and children so i am going to focus on them and i have promised my partner if i reach that point again i will tell him and allow him to contact my therapist for help.
Thankyou for your words of support.