Living without my dad!

[jmlb1986]

The call came May 19th. I knew when the phone rang that something bad had happened. One second in time my world changed forever. My dad, the first guy I ever loved was gone. What do I do, where do I go, and how do I go on, these were questions swirled through my head, and I just couldn't process them. All I knew was that I had to get to my mom, I had to take care of her. I would learn later that mom was feeling the same thing. She had to get to her children so she could take care of them.

I was 37 when my dad passed away and yet I felt like I was a 4 year old little girl that just wanted her daddy back. My dad passed away suddenly, so there was no warning that my life was going to change forever. My normal life was gone and it was replaced by what would become my new normal life. One without the man who had defined my life for so many years. I didn't want it, I didn't have a bad life, why did I have to go through the rest of my life without my him? More questions without answers.

We left the hospital and all I wanted to do was hide from the rest of the world, but that could not happen becaue we had to call the rest of the family, we had arrangements that had to be made, and we had to do what I call "entertain our guests". People came pouring in, with their condolences, with food, and with advice that was definately not wanted at that point and time. You have to eat, you have to get some rest, or my personal favorite, you have to stop grieving and take care of your mom. To this day I struggle with my feelings for person who had the gall to say that to me.

It was five days before we would have the funeral, and people were everywhere. I wanted so bad just to scream at them go home and leave us alone. Of course I didn't mean it, but it was just how I felt at the time. As more people arrived, what came with them were the many stories that they felt they need to tell us. What they thought would comfort us was in fact making me angry. They were talking about my dad as if he were dead. How could they be so cruel? I was not able to deal with the reality of him being gone forever and I just wanted to tell them to just shut up. Again I didn't really mean it, but it was still in my head. Sadly, I had the same feeling about my husband, I just wanted him to shut up and away too. He would try to comfort me, by saying things like I know how you feel, I lost him too. He had never lost a parent, and had no clue how I felt. I found myself taking long hot showers just so I could get away from him to cry. It kept him from trying to comfort me and saying something stupid. That was jusrt another one of those I didn't mean it things.

I remember the day that I heard the first rumor of what had happened to my dad. I was sitting in a salon getting my hair cut before the funeral, and across the room was a woman telling her stylist that my dad had been sick for a long time and that he hadn't looked good when she had seen him a couple of days earlier. As I turned to see who she was, I was shocked to find out that she was a family member. Of course I felt the need to set her straight and informed her that my dad had had a complete checkup three weeks earlier and was give a clean bill of health.

It turns out that the funeral would be the easiest part of my dad dying. My biggest life lesson came when I realized living really is the hardest part of dying, and living was not something I cared to do at that time. I just wanted the pain to go away and it wouldn't. In an effort to comfort us people would ask the stupidest questions, like how are you doing and make the dumbest comments like that time will heal the wound. The question just made me want say, how do you think I'm doing idiot, and the statement that time would heal the wound was just another stupid thing to say, It is my opinion that time is like a bandage that covers the wound as it heals, but you are left with scars that will last forever.

After the funeral and all the people had gone, I would see people going on with their lives and I just couldn't understand how they could go on with their lives when I am dying inside. This was what I call the leper stage. The people that knew you and had been to the funeral were now going on with their lives and if you saw them in a store, they would avoid talking to you because they didn't want to hurt you. What they didn't know was that I needed to talk about my dad, I needed to keep him alive and make sure he was never forgotten. It took six months for someone to  ask me how we were doing.

The year of firsts hit hard and fast. The first holiday was Father's Day and it brought with it an emotion I never would have dreamed I would have. I was jealous of the people who had their fathers. Why did they still have a dad and I didn't? It was not fair because my dad was a great person, and great people shouldn't die. From that holiday on that first year we made a point to spend the first 30 minutes or so to talking about my dad and grieving together before the holiday celebrations began.

The first year also came with a new time schedule. No longer had we gone somewhere or done something on a specific day Everything was either before dad died or after dad died. I even dreaded the day when I would have to say my dad had been gone a year. For some reason that really bothered me.

Lastly let me say I know everyone grieves differntly, but that does not mean you are wrong, it is just our way of dealing with the death of our loved one.

[Tinabudde]

I think you never truly get over losing them, it's just like you adjust to them not being there and life goes on but it's never the same.  I lost my dad 2 years ago, he was 85, he had a hard life, the last year was full of strokes, heart attacks.  He bragged he was 84 years old, not on any medication and both of us shoveled show that year!  April 2008, he went to get the vacuum to clean up crumbs from a donut he dropped and he ran it more over the entire room and collapsed and couldn't get up, mom called me, I knew something wasn't right his legs wouldn't work, got him to a chair called 911, but he was ok when they got there!  It was a mini stroke with 8 more that followed along with a heart attack, pneumonia, bowel impaction and hemorraging.  He did make it home again from Oct 2008 to April 2009 before a massive stroke hit him after a bad night of high blood pressure, throat and left side affected, got him to hospital he had a massive clot in head, they surgically removed it and removed carotid arties and put in shunts, too much blood flow caused his brain to herniate off the spine.  It was bad.  Mom and I left to grab food and go back, in the meantime dad became conscious, (he's 90% deaf and after a stroke you're not with it) and supposedly they told him he needed this surgery, he signed the papers and off they went, mom and I got back to find him in surgery!!! I was so angry and upset never got to talk to dad ever again and we'd fought the day before about his blood pressure and him going to the hospital he wouldn't.  Surgery was textbook perfect but afterward the blood flow restored was too much for the brain to handle.  I miss him so much.  I'm a cancer survivor and my best friend Kat died of lymphedema/cellulitis infection secondary to cancer, dad was the one who helped me thru it.  Losing him was so hard esp because my mom's blind and diabetic I live with her and care for her alone now.  It's 2 years and I still cry and think of him all the time, he was the rock and glue that held us all together.

There is no set timetable to grieve, I probably will the rest of my life because we were so close, we used to play badminton, croquet, jarts, aand sports together when both younger and to this day I can't look at a tic tac toe game without crying, we played that alot in the last year.  Ironically I worked so hard to get things done so we could spend April 18th 2009 together it was going up to 80 that day and all week I worked to get things caught up so we'd have the entire day outside with our lawn chairs and stuff, he died April 17th and that last week of his life we had argued and not spent time together.

There's not much you can do but move on, or try to adjust.  It always seems like life goes on and the world keeps spinning and that's hard to deal with after such a hard loss, it's like you feel things should stand still and the world should stop.  Like I said you adjust.....

[luvloveluv]

i know how you feel, except, i hated all my uncles and aunts and i did really want them to leave us alone for my dad's funeral. none of them had respected my dad alive, as if paying respect to him when he was dead was something my family cared for then.
the first year is always the hardest, especially when you're trying to cope and words can't seem to ease your pain. i'm sure your husband was trying his best, he just didn't know how to help you, how to make your pain go away. yes, everyone grieves differently, and i hate it when people tell you you're grieving wrong. missing him will always be apart of the package of loss, but i hope you find peace in his passing.

[mammo]

I understand completely where you are coming from, I lost both of my parents in a car accident when I was 25.  I too, wanted to be left alone, but that's never an option.  Try to understand that when you lose a loved one, people are not sure what to say to make you feel better, and they just do the best they can, and never mean to hurt or anger you.  Your husband was trying and being supportive, that's very special.  But you had a lot of anger from losing your dad, and we all direct it differently.  For me, it was directed at God, a lot of people will direct it at those who are closest to them, which isn't really fair to them.  It sounds like your dad had a lot of friends, who cared enough to pay their last respect to him. It is hard to accept how life goes on around us, when we are so devestated, but that's just how it is.  I think all your feelings were/are legitmate, because like you said "we all grieve differently."  It never goes away, we just learn to live with it.  Take care.