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Avatar universal

to medicate, or not?

Recently lost my  69yr father to metastatic lung ca with bony mets.

It was a very sudden, unexpected diagnosis and a rapid deterioration. At the beginning of April he complained that his back was starting to act up again. We did'nt think too much about it seeing as  he had a long-standing history of degenerative disc disease

There were several trips to the chiropractor, and a trip to his GP ( he almost had to crawl in and out of his office), where he attained a script for T-3's. Unfortunately none of this was cutting it, and after an entire weekend, bedridden, he finally called the ambulance.

After a CT, he was diagnosed, and was basically handed a death sentence within two days of admission. He was exceptionally stoic and accepting of this, and his only wish was to be at home.

Fortunately I was able to do this for my father, for not only am I a registered nurse, but I'm a good one, and I'm a loving son. I nursed my father round the clock for 9 days, before he finally died.

Initially I did well and was relieved that my father's suffering had ended.  My focus was helping my mother get through this.

It's been three weeks since my dad died, and I've been very down for the last week or so. I went back to work (I work in ER), and I performed well. The distraction that work provides has helped me.

However, when I'm not working, I'm very low - even to the point of crying (I'm 44yrs old, and the last time I cried was when I was 11yrs). Having trouble sleeping, and it seems  I'm re-living the recent events constantly in an attempt to make sense of them. At times I feel panicy. At times I feel angry. There are even times when I feel like such a failure for showing so much weakness - which I know my father would dissaprove.

Asked my GP for some help. He said he does "not believe in medicating grief". He offered me some pearls of wisdom, such as setting a place for my father at the table during holidays, etc. I felt like slapping him. I did manage to squeeze a few sleeping pills put of him, but I left feeling like this was entirely a waste of my time.

As for not "medicating" grief, he's probably right. Nevertheless, I feel like I'm heading down a very dark road

I have no history of depression
14 Responses
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284558 tn?1225606992
hi i lost my mom i know how you feel i didnt get to say good bye to my mom and i feel that i do go threw the same stuff the day she died.they took her to x ray room  and that was hard they wouldnt let me in the room they crack her chest to start her heart and she didnt make it.first time they came out she was going to pull throw but then 15 min they came out and said she is gone that was so hard i was by my self and that really hurt  they did let me stand there for a few but that did nothing i held her hand but i dint get to say i love u are hold her .
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212161 tn?1599427282
nacy GOD BLESS YOU , and all who has lost a dear one, nancy so sorry you didnt get to say your last goodbyes but in a way you did he told you he loved you and he was protecting you from the pain of knowing hw was real sick, he sounds like a awesome son, i have two boys they are my heart beat and not sure what i would do without them hope i never find out. you are in my prayers . remember all the good times with him i know its hard its tearing me up just talking about your son, i can tell he was a great son because he didnt want you to worry about him. take care . barbara
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Avatar universal
Sorry i meant jim's son.
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Avatar universal
Hi jim im sorry for your loss....

I loss my son this year, i never had the chance to see him, comfort him, hold him, bury him.  My heart has been torn out and stamped on. My 21year old son went abroad to build a new life, we kept in touch via phone and on line, he loved me so much , he had so many problems here in the Uk as a young lad out with yound lads his own age, drink, clubs, pubs you know and all that go's with it, he did not do well at school and found it hard to get a job here, people not wanting to give him a chance. So he went abroad where family and friends were and was happy, this was last year 14th September 2006. We spoke on line and phone, he became ill around xmas i asked him to come home but he said he liked it over there.... around the second week in January i had a casll that he was sick, i rang but he could not come to the phone, my friend said that he was vomiting, the next nite i spoke to him he said that he was so cold and had chest pains, i booked his ticket to return to the Uk on the wednesday... spoke to him Monday nite he said he felt abit better, his last words were i love you mom, told him that i loved him and that he will be home wednesday, i got the call tuesday morning saying he had died.... MY GOD........ my whole world crashed down on me, i screamed and screamed .. no no no this is not true.
I had no explanation what happened to my son till this day, or how he died, i was informed that he was vomiting blood with clots in it for three days but told them not to tell me as he was returning to the UK... On top of that they buried him within hours without my permission.... Just like that my son has gone.. he last words "i love you mom" I never knew death was knocking on my door.

I will never be me again, the same person i was, i miss him, i feel like i have been robbed of my baby, i miss him till i cant breathe... They bury because of their religion, i tried to get answers but nothing. All i have is faith, which keeps me a tiny bit sane, i look forward to death to be with my son.
God is what i have, i pray to god ask for forgiveness if i have done anything wrong whilst on earth, i give the poor, the hungry what i can afford and when i can afford to, i have to follow my faith and believe in god, that one day he will take me to my son. I pray that god eases your pain . Amen
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the encouragement.  I thought I could help Jim's son similar, but you end up helping me too.  My Dad passed away August 1st. and I was feeling guilty that he died in the hospital.  My back could not handle lifting, and my Mom is 69.  We were primary caregivers to Dad and the nurses would come to the house for months.  The Palliative Doctor was so kind that it felt right to be in the hospital.  Most of the nurses were Angels, not people.  The stories of people going home to live their last hours are less significant to me.  My Dad was in and out of the hospital many times since 2004.  He fought so hard to stay alive.  The stress was insurrmountable for us.  We lost my nephew in 2003 at 16 years old and I'm certain it set my Dad's cancer off immediately.  I am now in a permanent anxiety situation.  I can eat all I want (mostly healthy).  Most women of 48 could only dream of that.  I work in the fitness world and hope to inspire people to stay out of the hospitals and exercise and eat healthly all the time.  I work on my relationship with Jesus every day.  It's been years now, and have found a wonderful Missionary friend who answers all of my questions with a trusting knowlege of the bible.  It's been years now that I struggle, however, I have come to believe that although I grew up in a Roman Catholic school and church, it wasn't a personal relationship with Christ.  So differrent.  People think that God is not reachable from this earth, however, He is.  It's hard to understand for a person who is angry and grieving.  God is there beside you all the time.  You just have to ask Him for comfort.  Read His word.  Listen to His word through reputable pastor's sermons.  oneplace.com is great and has a variety of 'featured ministries' to browse and listen to or read about for free.  There are thousands of good teachings to listen to on every topic you can imagine.  God is helping me through my Dad's death.  The knowledge of where he is is clearer by the day.  My strength is now derived from all the things my Dad taught me.  It's as though he passed me his working tools to use.  I am tired from the long years of sadness, yet God knows I have to go on and teach others about Him and how he keeps us together growing as a Christian faith to some day be in heaven with HIm and all of our loved ones.  Try to keep the faith.  God knows you're trying.
S.
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Avatar universal
I can't really help because I'm in the same boat ,since April/ 06 I lost my father in law to be to a stroke,he had a heart condition for 10 yrs ,my sister who was only 36 yrs old we celebrated her birthday on Feb.11 07 ,she was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer at the end of the month we lost her on March21st 07 ,she also had Vohnwillabrands with a platellet disfunction that she was born with wich complicated her whole life but never stopped her from living,and in May 07 we lost my dad to colon cancer that spred to his lungs wich he fought with chemo for almost 5 years and was willing to go on but the drugs became uneffective and he ran out of options this we found out the December before we got my sisters diagnosis we spent  christmas in the hospital with him,I was raised religious not overly but I just don't know what to beleive anymore during that period we had planed to  have our wedding in Monument Valley AR. because my dad was a huge Western and John Wayne fan and we thought we'd get him out there being that they were taking him off the chemo so we had it planned and then they said no travel so my sister who was my best friend in the world said just my fiancee herself and I would go together and then her diagnosis came when she was in the hospital in New York we tried to fly out so we could come back and show her a video ,she insisted we  go through with plans ,we spent 15hrs trying to get out of the airport but a late  season ice storm kept us here we tried again as I was about to board a 30 person standby flight my mother called to get back to the hospital it was the last cohearent night we had with her 2days later she was gone .We did go out west and get married as she wanted,my father held strong I think just to get through walking me down the asile for a family service we had when we came back a year to the  day of the death of my father in law we traveld about 2 weeks after came back to my dads decline and lost him a week later .So if you weren't depresser before now your really depressed ......my point to this out pour is things were so sudden and crazy at the time that hear I am 6 months later and worse then ever I can honestly say I have never felt like this before I did have history of depression but hadn't taken anything in yrs and am know reconsidering because I just don't know what to do with my self  but the side effects seem so scary what human wants weight gain or brain zaps wich I already feel I have so as I said I'm in the same boat and must do somthing soon please post what you deceide to do and thanks for listening! Elaine
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Avatar universal
Dear Jim,
Yes, now I see I was right in knowing you were a professional. I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I, too, have lost both my parents. I did not receive medication, but encourage you to get some if needed. Take it for a brief time and set a limit. If you are depressed your chemicals of off, for example seritonin. You NEED something to keep the normal amount in your brain or you will be depressed. After a few months see if you can half the dose and then half that. You know there is situational depression and THAT is what you have and with good reason. I DO believe in Jesus and have a firm faith. I know that it is natural to be angry with religion, or God in a loss of a family member. Death is just another part of living and a passing off the spirit to a much better place. I pray you will become settled with the loss of your dad. I believe it will take a good year to come to some sort of "normal". You must have had a wonderful relationship to feel this grief. He was blessed to have you and you him.
Mary Z
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185634 tn?1257071139
My dad is very much the same as your dad was.  The only way that I know if he's in any kind of pain is if he takes the day off work or just sits in his chair.  I tend to be that way myself, and know it isn't healthy.  This was just brought to my attention, as I just found out I have a nodule on my thyroid that's cancerous.  I didn't find the lump, just basically felt awful for a while and decided to visit my doc.  My fiance and I were just talking about it and I was telling him how miserable I felt at the time, and he had no clue I felt so bad.  I didn't hide it on purpose - that's just my way.  I also have a problem showing emotion (crying, mostly).  I've learned that this isn't the way to live - that it will eventually come out - whether it be an ulcer or some other kind of health problem.  I'm trying to change my ways, but after being like this for 40 years, it's a little tough, you know??

What I'm trying to say is that your dad didn't consciously not show emotions.  That was the way HE was.  I don't think there was anything more that you could have done to change that in him.  And I don't think your dad would want YOU to not show emotion just because he was that way.  You should have no guilt whatsoever.  You did the best you could - as did he.  

Another thing I want to say to you is that grieving is not self pity.  It's a normal, healthy reaction to a traumatic event in your life.  Just because you're a health professional does not mean you're not HUMAN.  You need to get through this however you have to - just as your dad had to get through his illness the way he had to.  When you mentioned your dad's expectations - I think those were actually what you "thought" your dad expected of you, because of the way he was.  That's not necessarily so.  And I can only tell you this because of the way my dad is - and I've had some insight from my mom after living with him for 45 years.

I think we're all going to have regrets to some point after death.  "I should have done this or that", etc.  Again....very normal.  But from what I can see, you really should have to regrets.  You nursed him around the clock for 9 days straight.  Being the type of man he was, I'm sure that he FELT the love in what you were doing.  Try not to beat yourself up anymore.  

As for religion?  I understand what you say about the different scenarios about death.  That's why there are so many different religions - because they all interpret the bible differently.  I'm glad to hear that your dad had faith.  As for being the wrong one?  The bible tells us that if we believe in Jesus as our savior, that's the key.  Most religions believe this, although there are some that don't.  I personally take comfort in knowing that there is a happy place after death.  A place where I'll be reunited with my loved ones.  I've been to many of funerals in my life, but the ones that I walk away from feeling comforted are always the ones where the death is actually a celebration - because of where the soul has gone.  But like I said, if you're truly against talking with a pastor, I think a grief support group would be the next step.  You're obviously hurting and need to get it out.  Also remember that time is the great healer.  By the sounds of it, this is fresh - and very much like an open wound, it takes time to heal.

Take care, Jim's son.  Like I said, I'm sure that your dad is very proud of you.
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Avatar universal
Kipland, thanks for your kind comments

Yes, I can be greatful for the time I spent with my father, and I do feel I did well by him.

However, I also have regrets.

Whereas I looked after his physical pain and his medical needs to the utmost of my ability, I neglected  his emotional pain. My dad was one of these exceptionaly stoic individuals who was raised to never show fear or express emotions freely, so it was difficult. But I should have tried. That's one reason I'd give up everything just to have one more talk with him

You see it was written all over his face - hopelessness and sorrow, and I'm sure he had his thoughts.

I'm also dealing with guilt for my behavior following his death. I am a health professional, well informed, and I'm supposed to be rational and not wallow in self-pity. And that's excactly what I'm experiencing - self pity, and self-pity is something that has always been taboo in my family. Self-pity would get you no-where with my father.Don't get me wrong - he was a kind man, one who would move heaven and earth for me if I were in trouble, but he did expect me to show strength and not weakness to the world.

As for religion. Well I'm angry at religion. Why? For providing such  differing scenarios as to what happens after death, and for giving me reasons to worry about my father's disposition. He had faith, but what if he had the wrong one?

If, after death, there is nothing, then that is the best scenario for me - no pain, no joy, no experience whatsoever just a fading memory which itself over time will be erased. That I can accept

Morbid, I know. But it is my reality and I'm facing it. I just don't think I'm winning
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185634 tn?1257071139
"At this point I'm resolved I'll never accept the death of my father, and because I have no faith, I worry about such irrational things like where he is, and that he`s ok - such is the burden of an atheist who has a very hard time rationalizing the purpose and meaning of existance. If I.m`praying`` I`m actually pleading for the futile hope of seeing him once again - even for a minute, a second. Stupid, stupid stupid!"

This is really a profound statement from someone who claims to be an atheist.  I don't know what your background is, and why you ended up not believing, but have you ever considered talking to a pastor?  Not trying to push anything on you, but faith can absolutely help one get through death.  Your thinking is not stupid.  It makes me think that there IS a slight bit of faith left in you.  Since you are floundering and can't find any peace, what would it hurt to talk to a pastor?  It may completely change your life.  Just a suggestion.  If you're completely opposed to that, you could try counseling, or some kind of grief support group in your area.  I think it's normal what you're going through, but you really need to talk to someone through your grieving process.

You sound like a wonderful son - one your dad was proud of.  You did everything that you could for him until the end.  Thank God you were able to share those last 9 days with him.  Just think, he could have been taken immediately and you wouldn't have had that time with him.  Even though it was hard on you, you had that time to care for him and say goodbye.

Best wishes, my friend.  You can and will get through this.
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Avatar universal
thank you all so much for your kind, wise comments

I'm still very low, and, oddly, I feel guilty about this. I just heard from my friend who lost her young daughter 12yrs ago.

I mean if she was strong enough to endure such an unimaginable  loss, then how can I not?

I'm very lucky in the sense that my father is the first person i've lost whom I have loved. I've never had to lose a child, a wife or a brother or sister.

And yet I,m devastated and am completely  at the will of this thing .

My guilt is also rooted in the fact that I have seen death many, many times in my work, and I've provided council and comfort to the families, without ever really understanding what they are about to go through.

Now I do - that's a positive thing. I've also learned I'm not nearly as strong a person as I thought i was - that's not so positive, merely sobering and to some extent humiliating

At this point I'm resolved I'll never accept the death of my father, and because I have no faith, I worry about such irrational things like where he is, and that he`s ok - such is the burden of an atheist who has a very hard time rationalizing the purpose and meaning of existance. If I.m`praying`` I`m actually pleading for the futile hope of seeing him once again - even for a minute, a second. Stupid, stupid stupid!

I must have been living in a vaccum before this - going along thinking life is great, and that dealth will only touch me when my parents were old and grey.

I was wrong, and I am floundering in this whole process

We really should talk to our children more about death, and often. Although we may never prepare them, we should talk to them about their grief and how to go through it in the best way
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Avatar universal

I can understand why you want to medicate...but i agree with the other posters.  your father's death was recent and you still need time to grieve and mourn your loss.  it's expected and normal that you feel the way you do right now.  Medication will not make that pain go away, it will only mask what you are feeling.  You mentioned that while you are at work, it serves as a distraction.  Maybe during times when you are not working, find something to do to keep yourself distracted...I know it's not easy, but trust me when i say that the loss you're feeling may never completely go away, but it will get better and you will be able to move on.  Also, you provided your father with valuable time and you allowed him to die at home, surrounded by family, with some dignity.  You honored his wishes and i'm sure he is proud of you for that.  I'm sure he would want you to be happy and focus on the life he lived and not how he died.  best wishes.
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180852 tn?1200515080
I agree I completely don't believe in medication for depression especially greif. My mother in law has been on meds & is still depressed over the loss of her mother 2 years ago like it happened yesterday. I feel meds avoid the inevitable, your going to greive it's natural. It sucks, but it has to happen for the body to mentally heal properly. I lost my 42 mother in January, it has been hard. I have a 5 year old brother who tells me that he misses his mom on a daily basis & a stepdad trying to raise a small child on his own.We are getting through it, together. I was fine when she died, i didn't get upset at all. I thought something must be wrong with me, then one day a month or 2 later it hit me & it still hits me! I think that when you are that close to someone & you see them in pain that's almost all you want is for God to take them out of their misery & then it hits you like a freight train. I wish the best for you.Keep your head up, the one thing that keeps me going is knowing it can get better.
Amaris
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Avatar universal
i'm only 19 years old and this is only from my point of view... would your dad want you to self medicate yourself to get through this? in my honest opinion i think it's just going to make it worse, cause when the self medication wears off all the hurt and sadness will still be there. i lost my grandpa almost 5 months ago and it still seems like yesterday. i know there is going to be a big difference when my father passes away compared to my grandpa but i really think your GP is right this time.

not trying to be mean or sound like your GP but just think of how happy your dad is right now. Heaven is a beautiful place where everyone wants to be one day, right? well he's there shining down on you and wanting you to do the best things in life for yourself.

you sound like a wonderful son to stand by your father the way you did... some children would leave them in the hospital, nursing home, ect. some would visit, ect. but you, nursed him and stayed with him. that's awesome and something you should be proud of until the day you die....

medicating your grief isnt the answer sweetie, i wish i knew the answer but honestly, and you working in the ER knows this - will only make it worse or get you addicted to something you dont need in your life.

sorry for the book, hope this brightens your day!

-B
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