I'm a heterosexual male who has recently had some bicurious inclinations. While I was in another city, I got extremely intoxicated at friends' party and only have vague recollections of the night. I remember going to some guy I met's place, having anal intercourse at least at first with a condom but hard to know for sure if it remained on, and then oral sex without a condom. My memory returns to me taking a cab back to my friend's place, feeling horrified, unsure exactly what had happened.
Ever since the incident, I have been plagued with a terrible sense of shame and anxiety. I have a history of anxiety and OCD, and since the incident have been obsessively checking forums and online groups about the likelihood of HIV, and even contemplating how I would tell people / whether I would kill myself if I were to be diagnosed as HIV +. The man who I met told me repeatedly that he is clean, but has since refused to return my contact because I've been such an anxious mess and asked him multiple times to confirm his status with proof.
In terms of dealing with what happened, I feel like I can't tell anyone I know because it is so out-of-character (I'm a well-educated, mostly heterosexual, professional who has never been in such a situation before). Since the incident, I reconnected with my psychiatrist to go back on anxiety treatments and deal with my recent alcohol abuse. I've also paid for a full STD panel with an early HIV test that is 95% accurate after 21 days, so I plan on taking that.
The thing I can't deal with is how to live with myself between now and then, and the daily anxiety that I feel when I remember what happened (or have brief flashbacks). I obsess over how three weeks from now my life will be irrevocably worse and damaged. I'm just so disappointed, know that I am better than this, and can't believe I've found myself in such a situation. What can I do while I wait?