boyfriend cheated on me with a transexual

[Erin778]

Hi, I'm so freaked out. I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with a transexual. I found it in his emails. He has been seeing her/him for about a month. I have no idea what the status of the transexual is (HIV+ or HIV-) I actually emailed the tranny(pretending to be a man b/c she posted on craigslist) and asked if she was clean and STD free and she said she was and that she uses condoms no matter what. I dont know if i believe her though... About 10 days after one act of unprotected sex with my then b/f I developed a very bloated stomach, and just felt sick. I had nausea, loss of appetite, diarehha, cramps & lower back pain and very tired.  I took my temp at about 10 days and it was normal. Diarehha was every other day or so. I thought i was pregnant but i got my period. I don't know if any of these could contribute to PMS or my Anxiety of thinking i was pregnant? Its now been about 4 weeks from having sex with my ex and i'm having night sweats(my bed isn't soaked but damp. and the back of my neck/hair is wet from sweating). I take my temp b4 bed and when i get up at night from sweating and it's normal- around 97.5-98.5. I don't know what would be causing the sweating at night! Now all i can think is HIV b/c him and this transexual. I know the transexual is from the phillipeans and lives here now. My b/f(now ex) said he had a sore in his mouth the other day and he said he thinks it was from eating a lot of tomatoes...but after finding out what he did i'm not too sure about that! I'm getting an HIV test done at the 5 week mark. Would you say I went through ARS??? What are my statistics of getting HIV from my b/f? Would a negative 5 week test be a good sign? So scared!

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

While I understand JameyLuvs' concerns and many of his points are valid, it is unfair to criticize someone in Erin778's situation.  Of course it is inappropriate to assume HIV or other STD "just because someone is tran".  Nevertheless, the chance such a person has HIV (assuming nothing else is known about his or her lifestyle) probably is higher than in the general population.  This sort of fear is no more discriminatory than having heightened HIV fears after exposure to a gay man or an African American, both of which groups have much higher HIV rates than most population groups in the US.

Transexual men and women are a very diverse group.  There are differences in HIV risk for male to female versus female to male transexuals; and in either group, sexual lifestyles vary widely.  For example, some male to female transexuals have never had sex except with exclusively straight men at low risk for HIV, whereas others are (or have been) immersed in typical gay lifestyles.

Legitimate fear is not in itself discriminatory.  What is discriminatory is how people behave and what they say and do in response to such fears.  Many (most?) transexuals suffer discrimination, often in major ways, and we all have a duty to understand and combat it.  But this is a two-way street, and those who suffer from discrimination also have a responsibility to maintain a certain amount of equanimity and to understand where people are coming from and why.

This is not intended to open up an ongoing dialog on this subject.

[JameyLuvs]

to you and the doctor who responded to your question . Assuming someone may have hiv because they are transexual is called bigotry. It is sexual discrimination in its lowest form. Not all trans people are sexualy promiscuios and to assume someone is hiv positive because of sexuality is wrong .This type of thinking is what has kept transpeople ostrisized from mainstream society.This is why we hide our identites and are afraid to be our trueselfs. This is why most girls after surgery go into hiding and change identities so as not to be labelled in such a derogetory fashion. Because someone is Trans doesnt mean they are carrying any diseasesanymore than anyone else.Thank You, very concerned Transperson

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

Welcome to the HIV forum.  I'll try to help.

While I understand your concern about HIV in this situation, the chance you have been infected is very low.  For you to have HIV, several unlikely scenarios would all have to play out the wrong way:  1) Your boyfriend's transsexual partner would have to have HIV, which she says she does not -- and most people do not lie when asked directly.  2) Your boyfriend would have to have caught it, which also is relatively unlikely even if she has it.  This depends in part on what their sexual practices are and whether condoms are used for insertive sex, but even without protection HIV usually is not all that easily or quickly transmitted.  3) The virus has to have been transmitted to you -- yet the same relatively low rates of HIV transmission apply there as well.

I'm not saying the risk is zero, and it would make sense for you to be tested for HIV.  But the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor.  However, the chance of other STDs (gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, etc) are somewhat higher -- so be sure you get tested for those as well.

As for your and your partner's symptoms, they don't mean very much.  As we have said very frequently on this forum, symptoms almost never are valid indicators of new HIV infection, since the identical symptoms are caused by many other conditions that are much more frequent than HIV.  In any case, your symptoms are not typical for HIV or any other STD.  Night sweats without fever are not due to HIV or any other infection.

All things considered, it is very unlikely you have HIV.  But as I said above, get tested to be sure and also get checked for other common STDs.  Five weeks is a bit too soon for definitive HIV test results, but if you wait another week, a 6 week test will be nearly 100% reliable.  I also suggest you urge your partner to be tested as well.

Best wishes--  HHH, MD