Just tested positive on Friday, 5/1/09

[d90802]

I still can't believe this happened to me. I just found on Friday, and I went through several emotions, sometimes all at once. I hugged my cat with a different feeling. Saturday was the longest night in my life. I wished I choked on my food.

I went to a BBQ on Sunday with friends, skipped laundry and stayed later than normal. I get sad sometimes when I think about the future. The only comfort I have, and I mean the only comfort I have in all of this, is that I'm 36, had fun and lived a little. For better or for worse, a third of my life is over, regardless of this status.

But my issue now is the medication. I don't want to depend on pills. I'm afraid my friends will know I'm sick. I have a job, and insurance. I go in two weeks and speak to my doctor about medication. When to start. What to expect. Right now, I feel healthy. Alone, but healthy. I haven't told anyone and don't plan to. I called my twin sister over the weekend only to hear her voice, but as I was leaving a message, my voice started to quiver and I hung up. I don't think I could ever tell them. My mom would just die. I think I'm still in denial, like nothing has changed. Is that okay to think that? When I say nothing has changed, I still went into work, taking a bus, had 3 cups of coffee and an english muffin. Will I have to give that up now?

Last night while having a beer with friends, I thought of doing nothing about this. Just eating better, and staying fit. I don't get sick, hardly ever for someone who takes a train to work. I ride my bike and walk everywhere. But last night, I almost started crying over that thought. Last night I thought I could just let this run its course, take care of loose ends, see friends and call home more often and see what happens. We don't talk about me being gay, so it would be easy to ignore any other 'issues'.

The thing I want to point out though: I had zero symptoms. Not one symptom. Don't beIieve anything you read. I still can't believe this is happeneing. In the end, we all die of something. I just don't want to die before my mother.

[Teak]

You'll still go to work. You'll still drink the coffee and you still eat the muffins. The only difference is that you will take medication everyday and go to the doctor for labs and a visit every three months.

[d90802]

Thanks for getting back to me. I'll just try to have a normal and productive life. In some ways, this has opened my eyes and put an urgency to a few things. But, you also hang in there.

D

[Joqhua]

I can;t say I know what your going through but the only way to beat this is to tell someone , I would suggest going to HIV Groups or maybe you have a partner ?  Something that needs to stray you from being so depressed , you should eat healthy and start getting fit it will help definitely but not indefinitely .

[d90802]

Thank you for the comment. I don't agree that tellling someone will beat this. I could have told my sister a few weeks ago, but I chickened out. My best friend doesn't know. He made a comment before that people who get HIV deserve HIV and are stupid. So, I havent told him or anyone. I don't have a partner and live alone. I do feel pretty good. Much better than when I wrote the above comment. Things are moving right along. I am a photographer and artist and I haven't let this get into my way. I am even going back to school in the fall. I just have to deal with this and manage my health like millions of other people. Some have HIV, and some have problems managing their cholesterol.

I visit the doctor in one week, and I am a little nervous about that. I thought about joining a group. That could be fun. I could meet new people, and make new friends. Now that I am writing that, maybe it's time to make a better friend than my best friend who thinks people like me deserve this. Are we allowed to use profanity here? Because after 10 years of being friends, and him watching his own boyfriend die from AIDS, I think that's kind of f*cked up.

I am trying to eat healthy. I don't work out, but I ride my bike everywhere. I walk about 3-4 miles a day. I certainly have a new appreciation for medical benefits.


Do you or anyone have more advice for me? All in all, I know things could be worse. Would anyone like to tell me what to expect? I think that is bothering me the most. I've read a lot, but I still don't know what to expect.

[JustMeJack]

Hello d90802. I have been dealing with this sense 2001. Believe me it gets better. As Teak said nothing much needs to change in your life. Do all the things you have done in the past. The only difference is taking a few meds each day, and going to the doc every three months. Even that is changing. I take Atripla once a day before bed. I now only have to see the doc every four months. You can do it. You have to do it. Many of us are where you are now. It seems hopeless at first. Friends and family can help, but if you don't have that support, come on here and talk to us. Have a good day! BE HAPPY!!!

[d90802]

UPDATE:

I am finally going to the doctors tomorrow. I had to rescedule a few times and so did the doctor. But more importantly, I went to my friend's birthday party five weeks ago. I wasn't going to go but at the very last minute, I splashed some cologne on and went. There was someone there who caught my eye. I must have caught his because before the party ended, he was holding my hand. We went to a club that night and took a taxi back to house. I didn't mention to him about my status because, well, I'm not sure the reason. I knew I would not be having sex and having a man over isn't a crime.

I have seen a lot of him. We went on several dates. We have so much in common and sometimes it is a little scary just how things are. I can't describe it better than just saying, he's the one. About a week ago, he sent me a text that he wanted to see me but we need to talk. I thought he just wanted to be friends. This man, who is my age, latin, beautiful, a great job, smart, wanted to just be my friend and I was a little sad. He said he just wanted to talk and go for a walk. He then replied with XOXOXXO and I told him I am so curious now.

He said, just know it has nothing to do with my feeling for you. So we met and went for a walk and he began crying. He told me he was HIV positive and has known for 3 years. He stood a small distance away from me as he told me, maybe in fear that I was going to be violent. I inched closer and I gave him a hug. He asked if I still like him and I told him about my status. He thought I was lying. I told him I was not, I have known for less than a year and I wanted to tell him and should have during the numerous dates that we have had. I was going to tell him, but like me, he also didn't know what to say.

So we just hugged and both of us were crying. I was shaking. He is the first person I told and most likely will be the last. His family also doesn't know. Only one person knows about his status and I make the second. I truly, honestly believe we were meant to me together and he has told me that. It's just really strange how things are....

[turkee23]

WOW d thats AMAZING!!!.... im so happy for you!!!!...congrats!

[d90802]

Thank you, and it's getting better all the time! I used to think relationships were overrated but I no longer believe that.

[BADWINDS]

I had tears in my eyes, but very happy for you,  soul mate forever.  and it will be forever.

Live, love and be strong  and life will be as good as you make it and you will live for a long long time.

God bless

[Teak]

This is a forum for individuals who are HIV positive or have AIDS to connect and support each other.

[BADWINDS]

sorry I thought I was supporting,

[d90802]

Thank you Badwinds, I found your message to be supportive. And what's more, you sent that on my birthday! Have a great day.

[ageshore]

i wish you the best d90802, i wish everything will gonna be allright and i'm very happy for u
god bless u both:)