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Hiv anxiety consuming my life
Hello,
This is my first time posting anything so i hope i don't sound like an idiot.
My father died of AIDS when I was a teenager. he contracted the disease from cheating on my mother with another woman and my family and i watched him die from the disease. I am now a happily married man with two children. 3 months ago I went to vegas for a friends bachelor party and recieved a one song lap dance from a stripper. My pants were on the entire time and she bit my ear. While driving back from vegas I started sneezing, had alot of congestion and it lasted for three or four days. (probably from drinking and smoking) since then I have been going crazy. I continue to sensationalize my experiance with the stripper (i.e. what if some vaginal fluid got in to the cuts on my hands?) it gets worse and more sensational from there. I see a counselor and have been diagnosed with ocd. before my most recent child was born i was convinced i would get meningits, had colon cancer, and funny enough hiv. Anyway this has been all consuming. I continue to think i am experiancing serconversion symptoms ( the cold while leaving vegas, had a rash after working in the yard, general skin problems that i've had for years) I then worry about having given it to my wife and through her to my infant child. I understand the way hiv is transmitted and I must sound like an idiot based in the interaction i had. But I guess thats why i'm posting because i seem unable to be rational. i have panic attacks,and obsess for months. my wife thinks im insane 1.) because it continues to come up and 2.) what kind of man gives his wife that much detail about a lapdance. I freak about every little thing she complains of, when she says she's tired or has a bump in her mouth. anyway im thinking of going to get tested, this would be the third time in a year once because of the previous anxiety and another for life insurance. i dont want to test because i am reinforcing the ocd but my fear is if i write it off i may have hiv and continue to put my family at risk. i should add that i always have cracks in my hands as they are very dry hence my concern over vaginal fluid even though unless it was on my pants my hand came no where near her vagina. Sorry for the rant, any advice or similar experiances that may help me out? Thanks for reading, feels good to put this out there.....
This is my first time posting anything so i hope i don't sound like an idiot.
My father died of AIDS when I was a teenager. he contracted the disease from cheating on my mother with another woman and my family and i watched him die from the disease. I am now a happily married man with two children. 3 months ago I went to vegas for a friends bachelor party and recieved a one song lap dance from a stripper. My pants were on the entire time and she bit my ear. While driving back from vegas I started sneezing, had alot of congestion and it lasted for three or four days. (probably from drinking and smoking) since then I have been going crazy. I continue to sensationalize my experiance with the stripper (i.e. what if some vaginal fluid got in to the cuts on my hands?) it gets worse and more sensational from there. I see a counselor and have been diagnosed with ocd. before my most recent child was born i was convinced i would get meningits, had colon cancer, and funny enough hiv. Anyway this has been all consuming. I continue to think i am experiancing serconversion symptoms ( the cold while leaving vegas, had a rash after working in the yard, general skin problems that i've had for years) I then worry about having given it to my wife and through her to my infant child. I understand the way hiv is transmitted and I must sound like an idiot based in the interaction i had. But I guess thats why i'm posting because i seem unable to be rational. i have panic attacks,and obsess for months. my wife thinks im insane 1.) because it continues to come up and 2.) what kind of man gives his wife that much detail about a lapdance. I freak about every little thing she complains of, when she says she's tired or has a bump in her mouth. anyway im thinking of going to get tested, this would be the third time in a year once because of the previous anxiety and another for life insurance. i dont want to test because i am reinforcing the ocd but my fear is if i write it off i may have hiv and continue to put my family at risk. i should add that i always have cracks in my hands as they are very dry hence my concern over vaginal fluid even though unless it was on my pants my hand came no where near her vagina. Sorry for the rant, any advice or similar experiances that may help me out? Thanks for reading, feels good to put this out there.....
Results came back negative(surprise,surprise) i am going to seek proffesional help for the anxiety. I wish you all luck going forward and thanks again!!
Unfortunately you are stuck in this OCD cycle of irrational thinking. Forward thinking, catastrophizing. I have been there and I know it feels like you are going to jump out of your skin.
If you are not against medication, why don't you talk to your doctor about something you can take in the short-term in order to help calm you down?
If you are not against medication, why don't you talk to your doctor about something you can take in the short-term in order to help calm you down?
I wanted to thank you all again for your support. It does provide temporary relief. I'm scared to death of the test and keep thinking about what will happen if it's come back positive.
Thanks. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I just have to wait for the results
First of all, from your above post you don't have any reason to think you would be HIV positive. Your risk is none. However, having said that, I know how hard it is to let this particular irrational thought go. You need to calm yourself down. Do some breathing exercises. In case you don't know it here it is. It is very simple, breathe in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, and then breathe it all out through your mouth. Take your time and do this for several minutes until you can get your heart rate back down.
Follow that up with a meditation video from YouTube. You can just do a search for them.
Lastly, everytime you think you are positive say to yourself "I have no risk, therefore I cannot be positive." Replace every negative thought with a positive one. You will get through this and you will get your life back. If you find that you cannot, even after the results come back negative, let this go, then you need to seek outside help in the form of a psychologist that specializes in CBT.
Follow that up with a meditation video from YouTube. You can just do a search for them.
Lastly, everytime you think you are positive say to yourself "I have no risk, therefore I cannot be positive." Replace every negative thought with a positive one. You will get through this and you will get your life back. If you find that you cannot, even after the results come back negative, let this go, then you need to seek outside help in the form of a psychologist that specializes in CBT.
To do. This is miserable and I don't know what I will do.
I took the test last night at 6. When I look online under my past visits it says results are ready and I called and they said my test is still in proccess. My doctor said the same thing and that they would let me know when they had the results. I'm concerned this means there is a problem an I'm convinced it will come back positive. I've had all these wowed things going on with my body lately and I now think for sure I am positive. I have not slept with any other women except my wife I did visit the strip club and got a lap dance. I did not over drink and I thought it was completely harmless. Maybe something happened that I did not notice or thought it was something when it was something else. I swear my pants were on the entire time and I did not touch her vagina. I am in the throws of a panic attack right noe and I don't know what t
Going to get tested today I appreciate the guidance and support. Still going crazy with anxiety results could be up to 5 days!! Everything that you both said is true but I can't stop. Even if results come back negative I will find something else to focus on Im
Sure. Ultimately I dislike reenforcing the negative behavior bit as you said baggio I need to do it for the sake of my family I only hope the results come back negative. Wish me luck!!
Sure. Ultimately I dislike reenforcing the negative behavior bit as you said baggio I need to do it for the sake of my family I only hope the results come back negative. Wish me luck!!
I'm amazed by your post because I myself went through almost the EXACT same experience lately (lap dance from a stripper, over-analyzing "symptoms", fear of giving HIV to my loved ones, etc). Based on personal experience I can tell you 150% that what you're experiencing right now is pure OCD and anxiety related to your fear of HIV. The episode that you are specifying (a lap dance) did not put you at risk for HIV AT ALL. Even if vaginal secretions got on your hands, there's absolutely no risk whatsoever to contract HIV from such a method.
If you want some extra reassurance regarding this, just search "fingering" or "mutual masturbation" risks in the expert and public HIV forums. You will find that the experts and knowledgeable volunteers all state that there is no risk whatsoever from getting vaginal secretions onto your skin. The only confirmed sexual risk are via unprotected anal and vaginal sex. You did not do either of those, so you can rest easy.
Of course, from personal experience I also know that even with numerous people trying to rationalize with you and reassure you that you're ok, it's hardly ever enough to put your anxiety and OCD to rest. With that being said, maybe you should go get tested, not because you actually had a risk (you didn't) but because a negative test result will put your mind at ease and then you can proceed with getting therapy for your anxiety.
HIV anxiety isn't an easy thing to deal with (I've been dealing with it for almost 8 years), but it just isn't worth the mental and emotional damage that we do to ourselves. I for one am looking into getting help for mine, and perhaps you should look into it as well. At least for the sake of your family. :)
If you want some extra reassurance regarding this, just search "fingering" or "mutual masturbation" risks in the expert and public HIV forums. You will find that the experts and knowledgeable volunteers all state that there is no risk whatsoever from getting vaginal secretions onto your skin. The only confirmed sexual risk are via unprotected anal and vaginal sex. You did not do either of those, so you can rest easy.
Of course, from personal experience I also know that even with numerous people trying to rationalize with you and reassure you that you're ok, it's hardly ever enough to put your anxiety and OCD to rest. With that being said, maybe you should go get tested, not because you actually had a risk (you didn't) but because a negative test result will put your mind at ease and then you can proceed with getting therapy for your anxiety.
HIV anxiety isn't an easy thing to deal with (I've been dealing with it for almost 8 years), but it just isn't worth the mental and emotional damage that we do to ourselves. I for one am looking into getting help for mine, and perhaps you should look into it as well. At least for the sake of your family. :)
Yes the "what ifs" are what cause the problems and its the nagging concern in the back of our heads that cause the problem.
MRSA, certainly not. Sero, never in a million years. Its like saying could you have cervial cancer, well its impossible for a male for obvious reasons.
You could for peace of mind if its helps with the nagging concern just go and have a rapid HIV test. Then you know for 100% your HIV status and then their can be no speculation
MRSA, certainly not. Sero, never in a million years. Its like saying could you have cervial cancer, well its impossible for a male for obvious reasons.
You could for peace of mind if its helps with the nagging concern just go and have a rapid HIV test. Then you know for 100% your HIV status and then their can be no speculation
Thanks that does help. Although as you said it's a hard thought pattern to break. I had a panic attack tonight because I think I might be showing signs of Mrsa? Does anyone know if this is a sign of seroconversion? Anyway I keep thinking what if...... What if this happened and I didn't realize it. What if this happened and I was ignorant etc... I appreciate the response....
Hiya, be assured on two things buddy.
1, you in no way had any chance in a zillion years of getting HIV from what you did. None, no ifs or buts or maybe's. Nothing. Their nothing you can add that will change medical facts and any opinion that you never had any risk at all, ever !!
Im sure thats clear yes?
2, you certainly not alone on feeling like this. Many have many get over it.
Maybe you have guilt of what you did, maybe you feel and naturally so concerned that you would not like to go down the road of your father...This is where it gets complicated, because when you feel like this its a hard thought pattern to break. Firstly you must understand that you didnt have any risk, but if thats not good enough then it really is that case of getting some mental help for your condition. Personally i think you need that later and it will certainly help you.
Hope that helps?
1, you in no way had any chance in a zillion years of getting HIV from what you did. None, no ifs or buts or maybe's. Nothing. Their nothing you can add that will change medical facts and any opinion that you never had any risk at all, ever !!
Im sure thats clear yes?
2, you certainly not alone on feeling like this. Many have many get over it.
Maybe you have guilt of what you did, maybe you feel and naturally so concerned that you would not like to go down the road of your father...This is where it gets complicated, because when you feel like this its a hard thought pattern to break. Firstly you must understand that you didnt have any risk, but if thats not good enough then it really is that case of getting some mental help for your condition. Personally i think you need that later and it will certainly help you.
Hope that helps?
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
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