HIV Anxiety Support User Group
Imagination Running Wild?
About This Group:

This support group is for those who are suffering from stress or anxiety associated with uncertain HIV status. HIV anxiety is extremely isolating for those who are going through it, as it is often very difficult to discuss with friends and family members. This group is provided for sufferers of HIV anxiety to discuss their fears in a supportive environment. Those with anxiety over non-HIV STDs are also welcome. For personal advice concerning HIV risk, testing, and prevention, please post in the HIV Prevention Community.

Founded by joggen on October 4, 2009
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Imagination Running Wild?

I've been down this road quite a few times before (although difference scenarios mind you), where I've fabricated incidents in my own mind.  I suppose you can say I kind of have OCD when it comes to HIV, thereby creating horrible anxiety.  Over the past 9 years I've been tested anywhere between 12-15 times, with most the cases having ranged anywhere between incredible low risk to no risk at all.  Nonetheless my insurmountable fear of HIV has constantly pushed me into a whirlwind of panic and disarray.

This recent incident is likely no exception.  Back in June a few of my buddies in myself decided to take a trip out of town for the weekend.  During that time they decided to treat me to my first ever experience at a massage parlor.  Due to financial limitations (it was a rather pricey weekend) they were onyl able to afford to get me a "handjob" from an Asian girl (not that it really matters what her ethnicity is).  The entire experience couldn't have lasted more than 15 or so minutes, and ended with me ejaculating and being wiped off with a hot towel.

Now, I was pretty inebriated that night (as we all were) but composed enough to remember where I was and to even walk myself back to our hotel room which was a good 10-15 minutes away by foot.  The next day I remembered the incident rather clearly and was not panicking at all.  I was certain that nothing more than that happened.  

Fast forward to a few weeks later, and Mr. Anxiety decided to shake its ugly head once again.  I started putting ideas into my head that perhaps I did MORE than just that and somehow blacked out and did more than just get a rub n tug.  I know there's no risk associated with masturbation, but my fear is that more than that may have happened and I somehow wiped it from my memory.  I went to get tested at about 4 weeks following the incident (26 days) via a 3rd generation HIV 1 & 2 antibody test and it came back negative.  I was willing to accept this result in order to ease my worries, but then I started thinking about how perhaps I tested too early and that the results weren't necessarily accurate enough.  I started evaluating everything afterwards as a possible ARS symptom and ever since I've been losing sleep and hoping and praying that I'm really ok.  

I have a follow up test scheduled for next Tuesday and I'm scared as hell.  I've spoken about this with two of my closest friends and they've even told me that I'm thinking crazy and that I shouldn't be putting ideas into my own head, but I can't help it.  I'm anticipating the worst and it's killing me...

2 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
You never had an exposure. If you had vaginal/anal unprotected sex that's a different story.  HIV can't live outside in the environment.  Rest easy.
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