Minor anxiety due to HIV

So I'm sure some of you guys know me already. I took a full panel std test back in 7/2 and tested positive for herpes and negative for everything else. Although I still have minor anxiety over a episode I had 6 weeks before the test. I had oral sex both ways with an online friend but I was nervous and never had an erection, we also rubbed genitals and wound up ejaculating on myself. Again I never had an erection. I told her this needs to stop and wound up trying to resume my normal sex life with my now ex.  I just continue to think about the what ifs and maybe that's the root cause of my anxiety or the fact that I might of infected my ex or the fact that I cheated on her.  However I also found out she took a test on 7/31 and her 8 panel came out negative....should I be worrying anymore?  What would you think is the root cause of my anxiety?

I just feel terrible because this is not the person that I am. We had lots of problems in our relationship especially sexually which included three years of no sex. I tried many things...pills, seeing a psychiatrist which she said no to because he was too far.  I just felt that I tried to hard and that action should of told me that this relationship wasn't going to work.  So I am seeing my psychiatrist now regarding all this.

I appreciate any of your comments.  Thanks.

[jjpatrick135]

Also please note that quite a few experts have told me that I was at no risk for HIV.  I trust them but it's just tough that it's not sinking in.

[hehapu]

Hey
I know what you´re going through, I´m having hard time to make myself understand that I didn´t get hiv from kissing. I´m also seeing a psychiatrist.
I think that what makes us so concerned is the relationship we´re in, I mean I don´t even worry so much about myself, I´m worried about my boyfriend. I´ve never been unfaithful before and what happened with my ex was just kissing but it´s probably the guilt that keeps on bringing the hiv fear to my mind :(
But as the experts have told you and have told me we were not in any risk. And you´ve had your tests and so did I. I had Hiv elisa and rpr-vdrl (syphilis) after 9 weeks and they came out negative.
Somehow, we have to be logical about all this, at least to try :)
Good that you´re seeing a psychiatrist, it´ll help you!
Someone said in this website the best way to calm down is to get tested
but my doctor refused to send me to the lab once more since my tests were negative and I hadn´t had any exposure really. Instead he said that I  should see a psychiatrist.
But in our case I think the testing is not the answer, we´ll always find some excuse to be worried :(

[jjpatrick135]

Thanks for your response!  Yeah I am done with testing until I find a potential monogamous partner or if I get badly sick.  Regarding your situation if anything kissing can only transmit oral herpies (herpes) which a lot od people have and they don't even know it.  As far as syphilis and HIV goes its impossible to transmit by kissing. And if you had syphilis it would of showed up in your blood from 2 weeks to six weeks after your encounter.  I kissed lots of women believe me I would of had HIV or syphilis by now if it was realistic lol

Don't worry about it hon we all make mistakes. I unfortunately ended my relationship because of it but I learned my lesson.  Cheer up and always keep busy and don't google anything it only worsens things and if you need someone to talk to you can always pm me.  

[hehapu]

Thanks for your nice words! It really helps to get support from someone who understands what you are going through. And please, feel free to pm me as well if you want to talk. Take care!
p.s. google definitely is my worst enemy, from now on I only use this web site :)

[tad780]

Hi there, glad to have the both of you on my friends list.  Hehapu, you posted an article that is great. I actually printed it off and read it alot.  I think it is the same one that jjpatrick35 suggested to me as well.  I am with the both of you, no more Googling....this is the only site I want to be on.

[hehapu]

The article is so helpful... when any weird thoughts come to my mind I read it.... this site definitely is the best help!

[tad780]

Today is not my best day .... anxiety has really slowed me down

[Apollo1971]

Hi Parick, as requested my post.

I think you know and really know you didnt have any exposure to HIV. Every expert has told you this so me adding to it i dont belive would make any difference, but for what it is worth, you certainly never had any risk at all.

The key thing here is that you do have issues with sex, that is for certain.
I think you should see a psychiatrist as you wanted. Their is somthing certainly holding you back from enjoying sex and this situation is just another excuse for you to hold back and not engage in a sexual relationship.

People have issues with sex for many reasons, booze, stress, penis size, self worth, sexual confidence and i could go on for ages listing them. The point is you need somone to help you find the cause and im sure its somthing very easy to over come.

So please get the help you wanted. I belive it will ease your mind and let you start enjoying sex again.

[jjpatrick135]

Thanks Apollo.  I think things are getting better now.  Sometimes I briefly think about that stupid encounter I had and how foolish I was for doing it.  I do not freak out like I used to.  I just briefly think about it and how I am glad that I was nervous and that I didnt have sex with her...then I forget it and focus on work or whatever else I am doing.  As much as I would like to be 100% over it and totally forget about it I am hoping that happens soon.  I used to hyper ventilate, cry, I even lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks.  But now I just feel the normality slowly coming back.  Never had anxiety before but I am hoping this is a great sign that this craziness is over.