need to vent

Hello everyone, Sorry but this post is gonna be kinda long. I do not have any specific questions I am just feeling very lonely and need to vent. I hope that is okay. Okay here goes, well I am a 28 year old female and I am 100 percent totally and completely convinced that I have aids. This is my story.. 10 years ago this November, I had unprotected sex twice with a guy that I didn't know very well and have thought that I contracted HIV ever since. I have not been tested and probably never will because hearing those words "you are positive" from a doctor is not an option for me.

I live my life everyday as if I have the disease and I avoid Doctors and hospitals as much as possible. I have been in almost constant agony for the past ten years and it has brought me to the point of no return, it has literally ruined my entire life. There have been times where I have been able to live somewhat normally but the thought has never left my mind completely and always comes back full force.

I did manage to get married and was married for six years and during this time I had a daughter and was not tested during my pregnancy (stupid I know) but I was just too scared. I cried to my husband everyday about being sick to the point we would fight and I scared him in to getting tested and he was negative. We have since divorced. Now back to the present..

I currently have a boyfriend (3 1/2 years) and my daughter is eight years old. I cry everyday thinking that her and I both have aids. She currently has a few rash like bumps on her face that I am convinced are molluscum. She often cries when I cry and when she hears me talk about aids, and I am constantly checking her for symptoms. She has also had swollen lymph nodes in her neck for over a year and enlarged tonsils (the doctors say she has allergies) but I'm sure it is because she has aids.

Also four years ago I had a fungal nail infection that has since cleared up and more recently have developed what appears to be ulcerative gingivitis after taking Cipro for a UTI and online it states that ulcerative gingivitis is almost always seen in people with aids that have low cd4 counts so I'm guessing I'm pretty close to deaths door which I believe I deserve because I am a failure at life and at being a Mother and my child is suffering for it. I often burst in to tears just looking at her when shes sleeping because I feel so much guilt and sadness.

Recently my current boyfriend couldn't take it anymore and went to get tested thinking it would give me the courage to get tested as well and he was negative. Since then we barely speak and sleep in separate rooms because I am terrified of infecting him. He gets really aggravated at me for being so depressed and tells me that if i refuse to get tested that he does not want to hear anything about it anymore so I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. He says that he will not leave me but sometimes I wish that he would so that he could have a normal and happy life Because all I ever do is bring him down and I don't take care of myself anymore at all. I don't understand how he can even stand to look at me.

My personal hygiene has pretty much went out the window I hardly ever get dressed,shower, or brush my hair and I never leave the house and I have no friends or job. I sleep all day and am up all night either researching aids or sitting outside smoking cigarettes and crying.

I really believe that I will soon commit suicide but until I can get up the nerve to do it I wanted to post my story so that maybe I could find a few kind words or someone who understands my pain. I feel like I am all alone in the world.. My own family barely speaks to me anymore because all I ever talk about is aids and they say it is depressing and I understand that but I wish that someone could at least just hug me and tell me everything will be okay. Well I guess that is all I have to say for now but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and or respond to my post.

[Richard1985]

Oh my goodness, are you seeing a therapist?

I suffer from the same anxiety, I am petrified of this disease.