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10 Months terrified to test
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10 Months terrified to test

I'm a 25 year old, heterosexual, african american male. I have strictly practiced safe sex. In Sept 12, I met a woman online (27, african american). We decided to hook up, she explained that she preferred unprotected, stating that she had an IUD and had never had any STDs. Although this reassured me, I insisted that she purchase condoms, which she did. I performed unprotected oral on her and she performed unprotected oral on me. We alternated between unprotected oral and protected vaginal about 5 times. On the fourth time the condom broke and the head of my penis was exposed for a minute or two. we finished with a new condom and she left. After reading about a woman intentionally giving men HIV I went into a really deep and obsessive depression. She reassured me several times that she was HIV negative but I cant bring myself to get tested. 2 weeks after the exposure I thought I had a fever, I would have a recurring sore throat, the joints in my hands began to ache. The more I read the more panicked I became. Now nearly a year in, I'm still afraid. She has long since changed her number and I can't locate her. Now I spend hours a day researching HIV on my phone and laptop.

My hypochondria and latrophobia has kept me away from doctors for over a year now and began about 9 months prior to this encounter. Counseling has helped some, I was able to go have an eye exam. But I just cant find the strength to get tested. I've been suffering from Sebhorreic dermatitis and I've had it most of my life on my scalp, but now it's in my eyebrows, I rub and check them constantly. Every twinge, every pain sends me into a tailspin. I just dont know if my life is really over. I'm not looking for sympathy because I was stupid, but I just dont know where else to turn.
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Test, that is the only way to know your status. No forum can help you.
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