A question for everyone

[pretty_scared_tx]

If your conclusive test results are negative, what do you plan on changing about your life?

[pretty_scared_tx]

when I suggested you should understand why you did it vs. just saying you'd never do it again, what I meant was realizing WHY I slept with this guy for that moment without a condom  helped me more than anything else. I went for a walk one day and seriously thought about what provoked me to sleep with him without a condom, and realized my problem was more than met the eye. it really helped.
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[verystressed07]

thanks, i do believe in God and it's my faith that helps me to forgive. I forgive everyone, however, I don't easily return my trust once it's betrayed. Since my husband has been owning up to his cheating and seeking help, that's what's made me want to rebuild this marriage. Rest assured it would be over if he didn't.  Tapping into the actual problem is liberating indeed.

[pretty_scared_tx]

thanks, thats really nice of you. I'll pray for you too.

[concerned_1980]

I can totally relate to all of you, if I walk away from all this I would definitely abstain from sex until i get married. Like all I wish I could go back to that moment and had done some thing different. I wish i could change some thing, in the last few days I have become a changed man and I hope this change stays.

I wish all of you good luck with your test results and I pray for all of you, I mean it. I pray for all the people concerned on this site.

[pretty_scared_tx]

Oh man I wish I had a "I wore a condom" situation that didn't end in "the condom broke".
Truth is you're not at risk but you have every reason to be nervous, and I support your decision to not mess with csws. I don't defend the job, I can only explain it.
Ironically enough, the first question I asked the guy I had exposure with was , "You're a good looking healthy young guy, why are you even calling one of these?". That's how I feel about most of the people on this forum. I mean I know why some mean do it, but really it's not for everyone.  
You're right, hiv scares are all about guilt trips, because we all know we could have prevented this. I had the opportunity to walk away and decided not to, and because of that I almost feel like I deserve to have it. When I come close to thinking I'll be ok and shouldn't worry, I feel over confident and shun myself.
Lucky for you though, truth is you have no risk. If you wore a condom and it didn't break then you're in the clear. I think the only thing being asked of you is to learn from this.  

[Nido]

pretty_scared: I completely agree with you, it was my decision and mine alone, and that's really the main reason why I am so anxious. If it was some other random disease that I was struck with like cancer etc, which might be even more deadly, I wouldn't be cribbing so much. These things happen to everyone and you can either fight it or choose to live the rest of your days to the max. But with hiv, the feeling of guilt holds you down because you did something when you knew it had a risk and might be perceived as immoral in some societies.

I read about your own situation and I completely understand it. Sometimes you have to do what it takes to support your family. I know that no CSW does what she does because she enjoys it. Many times in the developing countries especially, they don't even have a choice and are sold off into brothels when they are young. Another reason I feel guilty since I took advantage of their situation, most of the money goes to the pimps and brothel owners and they hardly get anything. I have nothing against CSWs.

However, I know myself and I wouldn't go out of my way to go to a CSW since I know the risks. It's only that I visited Bangkok for a totally different reason, I got exposed to all the chatter on the streets and I couldn't control myself in the heat of the moment. So that's why I say the best way not to get into trouble is to make a conscious effort to remove the possibility for temptation. If you a recovering alcoholic for example, you might think you have a strong willpower but if you go to the bar, it's easy for your willpower to break down. Best to avoid the bar completely.

As for my situation, I DID actually wear a condom when I visited the CSW. Despite everyone here saying I don't have a risk, I have all the associated symptoms in the window period. I have read about them carefully and I am not exaggerating them. I just hope it is some coincidence and I do have some other condition like lupus or diabetes. Or even better I am like you said an Ultra OCD and I am imagining all of this.

[pretty_scared_tx]

I honestly don't think any of us will do half the things we're claiming we'll do, because life always pops up with something new, but if we all, at the very least, walk away from this better people more intent on helping others then thats good. That's good enough.

Robert Smith said when he walks outside the door everyday he doesn't feel weighed down by life, and that helps maintain a child like feeling on the inside. Yes he's wealthy but that doesn't stop his risk factors. The height of his popularity was during some of the darkest days this epidemic has had, not to mention he is bisexual. Maybe we should all stop taking life for granted, and stop taking things so seriously. I'm admitting that if my whole table turned and I came out positive I wouldn't know what the **** to do. I could only wish to be as strong as teak and the rest of the hiv positive community. I'd like to think tho, that if I'm negative like my optimism tells me I am, then this wasn't at all a wasted experience. I'm admitting I won't stop being a CSW right away, but I am searching other options. I'm not justifying being one, but there's definitely a right way and a wrong way to do it, and never again will I support two adults having unprotected sex.

Cliff- You have really good intentions and I honestly think things will be ok for you. Your wife sounds like she's one helluva woman. When two people are in a relationship and stop knowing each other, or stop having regard for their relationship it's always due to lack of communication. Think of all this as a challenge f your character and something you will prevail at, and there's no way you can fail.

When you're in a relationship and one person cheats while the other remains faithful, that's a form of torture. To have kids with someone then be stuck with them after an affair is mental torture, but the thing is, sometimes theres way more to everything than meets the eye.  Because of that I don't judge honest people, because if I was in your shoes I wouldn't want to be judged. I don't think any of the cheating husbands here are bad people at all. I don't think any of you are sexual/emotional deviants nor do I think you would actually intentionally harm your loved ones. You're all good people and deserve a second chance, whether it be with your wife or someone else. Just always be honest about the things you do.  

verystressed- Wow, you have a lot of courage woman. It takes every ounce of a person to forgive someone who has cheated, because it's an emotional hell to actually look passed the jealousy and insecurity created  to tap into the actual problem at hand, but once that problems tapped into it's liberating. It's emotionally liberating, because it begins the road to answers and closure. Just never forget your life is your own and only belongs to you and G-d, if you believe in G-d. If you ever feel like there's got to be more to life than this, you probably shouldn't ignore that feeling.

uglyduck- yeah I pray every night it's probably the only thing that keeps me calm. I'm confident the G-d I talk to is an unbiased, understanding G-d, and that really helps.

Nido- I understand your feelings, but hope you understand this was your decision and yours alone. You could have unprotected sex with a girl you met at the club, or at a church and you'd still be at risk. I'm not devaluing your experience because I know you have every right to be worried, I'm just saying unprotected sex is unprotected sex.
Hiv didn't start with a CSW and it won't end with one, but yes avoiding a sex worker is a good idea, avoiding unprotected sex in total is an excellent idea. I'm a CSW and I slept with a normal average joe type guy, and I'm scared shitless, so the tables do sometimes turn, Nido. I know your odds vary from the type of sex you had to what country you had it in, and I don't know your story so I can't say much, but I can say protecting yourself makes all the difference. If we all had just used a condom NONE OF US would be here (well maybe the ultra OCD victims but that's about it). The root of your problem is not a csw, it's a choice you made. Understanding that makes a difference.  

long- Study Tai Chi either way, why not?

  

[Nido]

Same here. I lost my faith in God a couple years back but now I've starting praying again. I know that sounds selfish since I am still waiting for my results but if I am negative, I doubt I will ever lose faith again.

Will also get more knowledgeable about the disease so I can also contribute to help others on these forums and volunteer for other related services. Right now I am scared to learn more since everything I read seems to be more evidence that I have it. Only way is to get tested which I will do next week.

Will definitely avoid all CSWs and also the places or cities where they hang out. I know hormones have a way of going crazy in such places so will remove all possible ways for temptation. Also will be more careful if I get drunk at a bar (make sure I have a designated driver as well as a designated casual hookup preventer).

I don't think I will celebrate wildly after a negative result, but will definitely be relieved and reflect on my traumatic experience. On a lighter note, I will start shagging again! I used to masturbate regularly before, but since my symptoms appeared, I have not done so once in the last month, I just feel guilty remembering my time in the massage parlor with the CSW. Completely lost my sex drive. Will probably abstrain from sex until marriage.

One thing for sure is I won't get as stressed as I used to about mundane things like career or money etc. I'll spend more time looking after my health and spending time with family - things that I now know matter the most.

[uglyduck]

Well if I comeback negative, I guess I'll start going to church, and praying everynight (actully, I just began doing that this week)....man, so many symptoms, and going nuts, but now I think I'm OK.

[FuMan44]

i will never talk to a CSW in a massage parlor again. im feeling alil sick atm and my little bit of confidence of being negitive is slowly fading. im screwed so if i do come out negitive ill appriciate life and my love ones even more than i do now. if i do come positive ill keep it to myself, maybe drop out of college, go to china and study taichi in the mountains for the rest of my life(im serious)

[cliff101]

Checked out the surviving infidelity forum.  I think thats a good place for me to vent that side of the whole situation.  The volunteer work and the HIV scare (now largely passed) are separate, obviously. My screen name over there will be justintime.

Thanks and take care.

[verystressed07]

I think I'll also donate what little I can afford to an AIDS charity as well

[cliff101]

I will check out that link.  Thank you.

Best wishes.

[verystressed07]

Thanks, I came very close to filing for divorce but it's the fact that he's been owning up to what he did that's made me want to stay. There's a great online support group for those of us dealing with affairs, it's called survivinginfidelity.com, both cheaters and betrayed spouses post there and the vast majority there are trying to reconcile. In case you check it out, my screen name there is momofthree2007

[cliff101]

It is hard isn't it?  I hope things work out for you both.

Take care.

[verystressed07]

If my husband's conclusive test comes back negative, I'll definitely put his cheating behind me. I know I'll never forget it but with this scare out of the way we'll be able to focus more on rebuilding our marriage. He has taken the first step, which is seeking help for the problems that led to his affairs. We've been together for 4 years (2 of them married) and 3 children. It's so hard to walk out on that, especially since we still love each other. My trust and my respect have been gradually coming back.

[cliff101]

I have just remembered...I read on another of your posts that you are a single parent, right?  If that's right, then I admire you and the sacrifices you have made more than I can put into words.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Cliff101

[cliff101]

Thank you for your kind words.  14 years (13 of them married) is a long time to throw away.  At least without a fight.  It would seem just...well, such a waste.  And my daughter is, of course, uppermost in my thoughts.  A friend said to me that its better to have a good divorce than a bad marriage.  That's not untrue, its just...I was not exactly Mr Dependable and Mr Faithful before I met my wife.  Admittedly, I was young then, and how many of us make sensible choices when we're young? Still, I am a little bit scared of reverting to that person should I become single again.  Why?  I am not sure.  It wasn't exaclty an unenjoyable life.  And it was certainly simpler in many ways.  But what sort of example is that to set my daughter?  And I do worry about the stuff she learns from me.

Then there is the inescapable fact that I still love my wife.  Deeply.  Sleeping with that girl was all about screwing my anger and hurt away.  And payback for my wife's fling (and complete lack of guilt when I confronted her about it!), of course.  And the girl I slept with has actually called me twice since that night and I have ignored her.  None of this has been exactly fair on her, either, has it?  I feel in someways that I am already slipping back...

I am hoping my daughter will keep me grounded in reality, whatever happens to my marriage but...I am not a person with great willpower.  And I am fond of a beer or three when I am depressed.

My wife says she wants to find a way to work things out.  So do I.  So, thats the aim.  But its a long road.

And since this is not the "broken marriages" forum, I am going to stop posting on this thread.

Volunteering at the AFA clinic - which I have only just started -  has 'grounded' me in a way already.  Helping others is often a great way of helping yourself through tough times; and hopefully beyond, since it is very rewarding work.

Good luck with the test you are taking, Pretty.  I KNOW it will be negative.

Take Care.

[pretty_scared_tx]

in most situations, Daveansh, HIV risks are usually just scares forced on us to change our lives. Most of us wont walk away from here negative and ready to become celibate Buddhist monks, but if anything we'll appreciate the experience and try to help mankind.  I don't expect your wife to understand that, but maybe she'll be able to grasps the idea that a scare is what you needed for -your- life. Try not to have sex with her tho, because if by some weird turn of events you are infected, there's a chance she may not be.

[Daveansh]

Tx for the support..tomorrow i am going to see a psy..and my wife is adamant she wants to come in with me..i just hope she will be able to face the facts..first i cheated her..second i may have hiv..third i may have infected her too...isnt that too much to take...

[pretty_scared_tx]

That's a scary thought, Davenash. I'll pray for all of you because you all deserve a second chance.
Cliff I figure sometimes you just can't force things, but then again I've never been in a 14 year relationship. I was in a 7 yr relationship though, and that was hard enough. Sometimes when moms and dads aren't happy, children benefit from them doing what they need to do in order to keep their lives in perspective, whether that means doing it together or not. As long as you're a good dad everything will fall into place for you, and being a good dad can mean a lot of different things. Not all great parent scenarios have to be socially acceptable.

[Daveansh]

I always thought i knew everything about HIV and nothing will happen to me...if i come out good from this trauma..i will definitely join an NGO in my country for awareness about hiv and support to people who have HIV...and do everything to make the dream of my wife to migrate to Australia comes true..i know if i turn out to be positivce i wont be able to migrate..

[cliff101]

For me its simple, I guess. I know - logically - that I am negative already, so I have lost the fear of being personally infected (even though I should probably not have been scared in the first place).  And I have thought hard about what I want to do now.

I am working at trying to put my marriage right and keep my family together, but I dont honestly know if that is going to work out as I hope.  So much has happened between my wife and I in such as short space of time, it seems impossible to believe that the relationship can heal. Honestly, if I wrote the whole story of my year so far you'd swear i'd stollen it from an episode of Desperate Housewives or Grey's Anatomy or something!  But I continue to hope.

I have been a one-woman-guy for 14 years...until this year, of course.  I don't see me suddenly reverting to my university days and trying to bed every girl I meet - although, to be fair, that option does have a certain appeal...;-) -  seriously, I imagine if the marriage fails then I will keep trying to do the right thing by my daughter, as I always try to do.

The only big change to my personnal outlook would be, as I said in my bio here, looking to help others.  Hence the volunteer work and all the reading up on HIV.  I was scared...not just of being infected, but at how little I actually knew about HIV & AIDS.  There are a lot of scared people out there who feel alone and I would like to think I could help them to at least feel less alone.

There are a lot of people out there who are ignorant about HIV too, just like I was.

I think that ought to change.

[pretty_scared_tx]

What I planned to do before, which is go for a double masters, except this time I plan on doing it without hesitation or taking time off. I'll also try to be a better member of the community, not to mention a better mother. Things I should have been doing the whole time. I can't quit my night job just yet, but hopefully I'll be able to look back at all this one day with great perspective.

and of course I'll be "having sex with more women!!!!" lol, j/k