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229411 tn?1189755825

Bigdummy

I am here.

I am experiencing really bad panic attacks and anxiety attacks to the point I can barely breathe. I almost went to the ER today it was so bad. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack.

I am having really bad anxiety due to the fact I cant go to public health until September. THere is nowhere else to get a rapid test done besides that place! I called the Gay Health and they said its for MEN ONLY and as a female, I am not eligible for their services plus they have a days long wait for a test as so many gay men go there daily for rapid tests due to the huge gay population here in the city. I dont think I can tolerate having my blood drawn and waiting days for an answer.

I kind of want to go buy a Home Express HIV kit but I am way too embarrassed/mortified to go and purchse one. I can always go thru the pharmacy drive-thru but I am still too embarrassed.

Even though I tested negative for herpes and have not had one sprout up, I am nearly certain I have them. I feel different "down there" like a calm before a storm. I keep checking to see if a herpe has shown up but none do. But I am certain it will happen soon.

I am also certain I never had mono. I think it was a mixup at the lab, or a false mono positive test.

I want to petiton the FDA to make rapid tests available at all pharmacies. They can have pregnancy tests and all kinds of other tests, but why not HIV tests? When I was at public health the nuse left the room and I tried to find some rapid tests to steal but they must lock them up.

I am not online as much only because Teak and a lot of people in here make me feel dumb for posting questions and tell me just to go take my test. I feel like nobody can help me. The damage is already done and I might have HIV. Unlike most of you in here, I had an actual risk of multiple unprotected exposures due to the jerk taking off the condom and not telling me. So I have a real fear here. It wasnt just one time. It was SEVERAL times.

Normally I am online now in the am and pm...during the day I hyperventilate and search for rapid testing sites...but apparently there is only one and they have banned me until my 3 month in Sept.
43 Responses
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Avatar universal
it's your fault.  you called her back! just kidding.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
She can't leave
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229411 tn?1189755825
I am here! I have tried my best to stay off these forums today...but I can't.
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Avatar universal
where are you?
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229411 tn?1189755825
I just like bluebells...at first my name was "beyond scared" but it was retarded. So I decided to have a cute name
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Avatar universal
i started as Penitent Idiot but I forgot my password.  When I was thinking of a new name suddenly some old english dubbed anime came to mind - the hero of the anime was named Duke Freed in the original japanese, but he was renamed Orion Quest in the dub.  Seemed cool.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I picked my name cuz I'm a dumbass for getting myself into this, and I'm slightly tall, and slightly overweight, hence the big part. Add them together and BIGDUMMY was born.
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Avatar universal
ohmigod golden girls.   What about Cocoon and Cocoon II?

Just curious, why'd you guys pick your particular nicknames?
Helpful - 0
229411 tn?1189755825
havent you ever seen Golden Girls?
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Avatar universal
Thats not a good thought? Old people naked rolling around in the bed until an ambulance needs to be called.
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229411 tn?1189755825
If i live to be 100 I want to be in a nursing home, it will be like a college dorm...all the geezers will play bingo and sneak into eachother's rooms after lights out hehe
Helpful - 0
229411 tn?1189755825
I am going to try to get some sleep now i wont be back online until tomorrow evening...goodnite all
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
My grandmother is 99.  And while she's not as healthy as an ox she's still pretty danged active and healthy.

Bluebell: I don't know if I have it or not.  I know that I am most likely negative.  There's a difference.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Come to think of it I have seen some pretty lively old people. Maybe living to a 100 wouldn't be too bad.
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229411 tn?1189755825
well at least you know you dont have it since you were protected.

Learn from it and never leave your wife...and you will never get it.
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229411 tn?1189755825
Its not really dying from HIV that scares me...its the fact I wont be able to ever have a normal relatiionship or life again. People would find out how I got it (SEX) and judge me. I would never have kids, and wouldnt feel like I had anything to live for. I would stop caring about everything because I would know that my time on earth is numbered. That is why I woudl rather have cancer, at least I would know that I have a chance to live my life to the age of 100 if I could beat the cancer...but HIV...its a death sentence.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Those are my exact feelings almost word for word. Who wants to live to be a hundred? You would need help just getting out of the bed.
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Avatar universal
and HIV is no longer a death sentence for you guys who live in the US of A.  It may be here in my third world banana republic of a country called the Philippines...
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Avatar universal
You're at 4.5 weeks? Wow that's just the same as me.  Of course, I can't compare our situations... but I'll be praying for you and us all.
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Avatar universal
I know what you mean, now sense you say that a 3wk test is like my 10day test, Its a good sign but it really means nothing.

Sometimes I feel like Teak is holding back. Like he doesn't want to say some of the symptoms he felt cuz he know all of us would probably just go jump off a bridge or something.
Helpful - 0
229411 tn?1189755825
If the FDA would approve rapid tests for sale at pharmacies I would test every few days. That way I can feel some sense of reassurance.
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Avatar universal
Yeah, thats what I told him.

The guy can be an a$$hole at times. But he seems really at peace or really sure about himself. He doesn't seem to be letting the disease get to him like it would you, me, and a lot of other people. I always thought I was pretty strong mentally, but the moment this came into my mind I've been like a big baby. ANd I'm not ashamed. I'm scared my life will never be the same.
Helpful - 0
229411 tn?1189755825
Roids LMAO...might just work

Well, it wasnt techinally 3 weeks it was 20 days...just one day shy of 3 weeks.

At first I felt good about the 3 week, then Teak told me it means nothing and to get a 12/13 week test. Teak has scared the living daylights out of me. For some reason I believe Teak more than Dr HHH.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, but then you would have to get over feeling embarrased to buy one. Actually, I keep obsessively checking my temp every so often.... if the rapid tests where available for sale, I'd probably drive myself crazy testing!
Helpful - 0
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