Depressed

I have been without Internet connection all weekend and was beside myself as I was unable to be on these forums.

I just got over mono (at least thats what the doctor's said i had, i think it was ARS) and one symptom of mono is depression. I have been so depressed I dont even want to move. Every night I dream I have HIV and ARS. I think about HIV all day. So it haunts me even in my sleep. There is no escape.

I have gotten so depressed to the point I dont think I will even test because I am nearly certain I will test positive and I dont think I could deal with the finality of it all. At least this way, nobody has told me I have it so there is still hope for me.

I dont really have any symptoms anymore, which leads me to believe I had true ARS. Many worried wells in here experience "symptoms" 5 weeks post exposure and beyond which isnt ARS. My only symptom now is sleep disorder, depression and digestive issues and a sore right shoulder. I also have lesions on my tonsils which might be leftovers from the white patches I had during the mono/ARS illness.

[bigdummy]

I think I'm having a herpes outbreak. I can't tell.

[OrionQuest]

Emotions wax and wane, bluebell.  Heck, I'm getting the willies again myself... for a non risk... (please don't hate me, I can't help feeling guilty)

[joecool21]

Hang in there Don't give up the fight im with you all the way! i fill the same way to but we must fight our deppression and anxiety.just hang in there!

[abcdlr111]

hang in there bluebell....and find comfort in the fact that you aren't alone in the worry!

[joecool21]

You are not alone Remember that Were all in this together. sooner or later we will find the light that will take us out of this on the darkest days of our live's.

[MiamiLat]

Blue, I know how you feel, my internet was down all weekend long as well. Also, my symptoms didn't start until 6.5 weeks post exposure. I'm trying to stay optimistic since ARS usually happens earlier. Let's get through this...

[bluebell81]

I am sure you are negative if your "ARS" started so late. Mine started right on target and I think the doctors are wrong about mono since you can carry mono antibodies that will show up on blood tests for years. That is why I am thinking about not testing at all. I dont want to know if I have it. I will just leave my health in God's hands and he can just take me when he is ready. I dont want to know about it beforehand.

[bluebell81]

Try to relax, your 6 week test means you are negative. I am willing to bet everything I own you will be negative at your 12/13 week test.

But I know you are still scared. I thought my 3 week test woudl make me feel better...and it did for a few hours.

[cluelessintexas]

That's my worry too.. NEVER having kids of my own. =(
I have NO desire to have sex ever again..

I really hope I don't have HIV.  That would suck to have it PLUS herpes.  

[cluelessintexas]

I am depressed too.  I am in Vegas.. and can't enjoy myself. This sucks!

[bluebell81]

I have no desire for sex either. If I am watching tv and a sex scene comes on I change the channel.

Even though I tested negative for herpes I think I am having an outbreak. Maybe its all in my head. I dont know. I tested for them 4-6 weeks after my exposures and someone told me its too early that it cant be picked up so soon in a blood test.

[bluebell81]

Even though I tested negative for herpes during a 6 weeks post initial exposure and 4 weeks since latest exposure blood test I think I am also having an outbreak. The whole region is very sensitive right now and feels raw...and there is no reason for it to feel that way.

[bluebell81]

I love Vegas...but if I was there right now I wouldnt be able to enjoy anything. I would begin to despise all the tourists who are happy with no worries...I hope I am negative and can enjoy life again.

[cluelessintexas]

I know.  ME TOO.  All I think about as I look at people.. is what if I have HIV and am never happy again.  
I constantly think about it.. THIS SUCKS

[bluebell81]

I will never have a family or kids.

I have ruined my entire life for a few nights of AMAZING sex which after the fact is not worth it.

But it was damn good while it lasted.

But I have ruined my life. Well, he did by taking off the condoms without my permission. But still, I put myself in the situation.

[bigdummy]

WHen I read Dr. HH telling some one to wait however many months for a conclusive Herpes test, I couldn't believe it.

[bluebell81]

I really think I am having an outbreak. I just dont feel "right" down there. Something is going on. I have NEVER once had any issue down there. Now suddenly I think my body is being attacked by herpes.

Do you know what the early signs of an outbreak are? I am too scared to Internet research it. I dont want to accidently see pictures.

Right now my symptoms are a feeling of not being ok down there, tenderness and a feeling of brusing.

[joecool21]

ok, lets start from Guys just like i told you i ain't certain till the results come. my piece of advise stop thinking of it just for a while i also had an exposure and im at a risk to you know i had unsafe vaginal sex not from a friend or a one night stand i had unsafe vaginal sex with a sex worker so thats puts me at high risk to, i had almost all of the symptoms that you mentioned but i said to my self it aint over till my test comes i will fight this. putting your self down thinking about it will just worsen things believe me ive been there, ive been feeling new things right now but i just try to ignore it and just wait for my results, PLS  STOP PUNISHING YOUR SELF. THINKING OF IT MAKE IT WORSE JUST WAIT FOR YOUR RESULT. im saying this to you because  that what im doing right now i spend most of my time painting, and doing a little photography. while enjoying my new hobby i realized how beautiful life could be with or without HIV, try doing stuff that suits your interest and Keep HIV out of MIND. i never talked to a counselor or what ever i just told my self the pian stop here ill be happy and you wont stop me no matter what pian or sickness you bring me. i will win you wont bring me down.

[bluebell81]

I am mostly upset and depressed because I might have put my bf at risk...we got back together and he gave me oral sex (we were drinking, if i was sober i would have known better than to not put him at risk until i test). I know everyone says that is no risk, but lets say I am HIV + i would be very very very contagious due to being in the window period.

So I am worried about giving HIV to someone else. That is why I am freaking out.

[joecool21]

does he what your going tru right now

[bluebell81]

no...i can never tell him.

[cluelessintexas]

I am trying to relax.. I actually went out for a bit.. but I'm back, here.

You could totally be feeling the symptoms because it's on your mind.  I've had very mild herpes outbreaks.. My symptoms/signs:
Burning sensation, redness, lower abdominal and back pain, sore groin lymph nodes, and "she" feels raw and kind of sore..
My doc. said that it did NOT look like herpes, but my test came back positive.. I wonder if it's possible to get a false positive with herpes too?????

[bluebell81]

I hope you had a chance to relax.

oh no, thats my same symptoms except for the back pain. I think I tested for herpes too early.

I think it is possible to get a false positive, maybe you should test again in like a month. Dr HHH says it can take 3 months to get an accurate herpes test. One more thing for me worry about :(

[joecool21]

well find away to keep both out of sex it's better to be safe than sorry.

[joecool21]

try to find your interest then and share it with him spend quality time with him without sex. thats the only way you would find time be happy and being safe.

[bluebell81]

I know. I have not had any contact with him since that one incident. And even if I am negative, I am totally turned off to anything sexual for a long long long long time. He will be lucky if he gets any at all this year or next. That is how turned off I am.

[abcdlr111]

i know what u mean with the turned off feeling....i feel as though i could go my whole life without sex in order to avoid the stress it has put on me

[OrionQuest]

you're afraid of giving something to your boyfriend.  Just a hypothetical question - would you be just as depressed if you weren't committed to someone?

[bluebell81]

I wouldnt be as depressed, the thought of giving an innocent person a deadly disease is enough to cause severe and deep depression.

I had another bad night. I kept waking up all night, being awoken by dreams of HIV. It is so awful. I have no escape.

[terrified2death]

Hey there I think I will tell you what you told me when I posted that I didn't want to go and get my results for fear they would be positive. You told me that I needed to go get them that way I would know for sure and I wouldn't infect anyone else. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I did it. When I went in I thought everyone was looking at me becasue the test was positive and I almost got up and walked out but I didn't and everything was ok. Have you asked the guy that you had the risk with what his status is? I did and it helped alot but I was still terrified. He kept reassuring me but i still didnt want to believe him. In the end he was right and my test was negative which I'm sure yours will be as well. Just hang in there and try to be strong and I just bet everything will be fine with you.

[bluebell81]

He does not know his status. He swears up and down left and right he is negative, but how does he know that without testing?

We do not communicate anymore due to him being an ahole and having what I later found out to be depression and anger issues and he has moved out of the area. I am sure he could care less that I am freaking out. He is a jerk who took off condoms without telling me, that is a sign he doenst care abut others.

[terrified2death]

Yeah your right he is an ahole. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Believe me I know how you feel. I was soooo scared. But I do think yuo will be fine. Yes you had a risk but I think you will be ok. You have already tested before right? At what week was it?

Just hang in there. Try to keep yourself occupied hat way you won't think about it as much. But know it's hard. I was at the same point you are right now.

I will talk to you any time you need to too. But for your own peace of mind go get you last test and then everything will be ok i'm sure of it.

[bluebell81]

Here are my tests:

9 day negative
10 day rapid test negative
3 week rapid test negative

I am not at the start of my 6th week. Public health, where I had my 10 day and 3 week tests done told me not to come back until Sept when its 3 months. I want a 6 week test. But I am also too scared now to test. I used to not be scared to test, but now I am.

I hope I am ok too.

[bigdummy]

Same here. I went to the Doc today to get checked. He notice that my blood pressure is fine for the most part. But when we started to talk about what has been worrying me, my pressure went very high than normal. He claimed I had no lymph node swelling and suggested that my nausea and everything was the result of my mind.

He also said I had no signs of herpes 2(So far)

[bluebell81]

did you take an HIV test?

I am thinking of just waiting until early Sept for my 12 week test. I think if I go for a 6 week test it still wont be good enough and I will freak out until my 12 week.

[bluebell81]

Last night I think I had a herpes attack. There was no blisters but it did not feel right.

[bigdummy]

Nope, No Test for me yet. I still am scared, but I did like the Dr. He was nice and made me feel comfortable.

[bluebell81]

I havent called yet. I almost called a few days ago when I started hyperventilating about having HIV because I couldnt breathe. I thought if they came in an ambulance to come get me I could at least get a rapid test at the ER since the public health wont give me anymore until Sept.

[bluebell81]

The dr I went and saw for my follow-up mono checkup made me feel at ease and comfortable like I had nothing to worry about. I felt good after I left the appt, but that was last week.

Now all the good vibes have worn offand I am scared I have HIV. I feel like my entire life is over and it hasnt even begun yet. I would rather get HIV when I am older. Now I will never get married or have a family. It was all ruined by a devil who took off condoms. I feel cheated and violated. He has stolen my life.

I feel like calling 911 again.

[bigdummy]

LOL @ calling 911 again. How many times have you called 911? I forgot to ask about my tight armpits.

[cluelessintexas]

Is a yeast infection a sign of HIV?  I've had ONE yeast infection in my 31 years of life and I am not sure if I am having one now or if it could be a flare up from herpes..?
It feels different from an outbreak, but I'm not sure.

Does anyone know anything about it?

[mike_no]

No, not necessarily any one can have an yeast infection, oral infection is very common and an anxious state of mind can cause dry oral condition which leads to more production of yeast in the mouth.

[mike_no]

No, it doesn't.

[cluelessintexas]

I was just reading about vaginal yeast infections and they mention HIV and that scared the crapola out of me. =(  I don't know what to do or think.

[cluelessintexas]

I really hope so.  I'm just afraid my risk was higher.  

[mike_no]

Stop reading, doesn't help any one

I told you the other day, a risk is a risk and the logical explanation for a 6 week's result not changing ahead, did you even read that ?

[cluelessintexas]

I don't have an oral yeast infection.. I think it's a vaginal yeast infection.   Does that make a difference?

[mike_no]

Your 6 weeks negative won't change, I promise

[cluelessintexas]

Yes, I read it several times.  I know I need to stop, but it's hard not to research when you are feel changes within the body.

I will try and refrain from reading.