Dying slow .... Starting to throw in the towel

Im crying as i write this................. Im so stupid ....... growing up my moms boyfriend used to always touch on me and rape me and i would tell her about it and she didn't believe me.  All through my teenage years i always had discharge and she never took me to the doctor she always said it would just go away.. By her doing this to me made me feel like she didn't care about me and then i stop caring about myself. I had unprotected sex with ppl rather i knew them or i was in a realationship ...i mean not with ere body ...but when i turned 19 she finally took me to the doctor for the first time in my life and i got my first pap smear,...i had gonerra for 3 years !!! After i took all the pills then another discharge came...it was small ity bity clumps of white discharge followed by a brown  liquidy discharge that comes out of me... and it smells like pee...my nose is always runny and my back always hurt, i got a rash on my foot, and im scared as hell... I got dry spots on my face(well i kinda ben having them like forever) but i read up on it and its possiable i could have herpes and hiv....so i went to the doctor and they found out i had herpes in my blood ..... im so scared cause ppl who have both have the brown water and it take 7-8 years for the hiv to show up ..... so now im gonna die ...no man is gonna want me if i tell him the truth..my famly doesn't care about me ...god prob. wishes id just kill myself...... why???? Should i just kill myself?
Ladies imagine ur self in my shoes... every day @ work u smell like pee .... but ur clean... and noone understand you or can relate to you.... everyday waking up and going to sleep crying thinking your gonna die.... and when u do die...no one will miss you ...i just wanna give up

[LadyLady214]

ok ... well thanks for the support ...

[nyrvana]

i apologise to the mods for posting even though i may not be allowed to.

hey lady, please dont kill yourself, live is worth living no matter what happens... just get tested and move on with life...

*sorry to teak and lizzie, seemed like this lady needed some support

[LadyLady214]

Was I wrong for posting ? This is a Hiv Prevention form, I am thinking I have HIV what did i do wrong? I don't understand ?

[joggen]

This is forum is limited to HIV prevention. While you did nothing wrong by posting, your post is replete with urgent psychological issues that this forum normally does not address.

Regarding HIV, all we can do is repeat the advice that you were given in the Herpes Community: There are specific tests for HIV that will tell you whether you are infected. Staff at your local health department can administer the appropriate tests and evaluate and test you for other STDs.

However, I am much more concerned about your psychological state than your risk for HIV. It is your most urgent health issue and your post is clearly a cry for help. If you have thoughts of hurting/killing yourself then you need to get yourself to a hospital ASAP and tell the staff what is going on. I urge you to seek care for your depression without delay. An HIV test will not address the cause of your depression. Your first priority is to get under professional mental health care.

PLEASE contact a professional psychologist tomorrow and tell them what is going on; they can evaluate whether you need urgent care.

[LadyLady214]

Where can i find that? I dont have insurance ... so can i go to a ER?

[Vance2335]

Can you go to the Er sure, but you can google Health departments in your area that will be able to test you.
As joggen has said your emotional state is very very poor right now and you need therapy more then anything right now.

[LadyLady214]

therapy? Ive never known anyone that i could just sit down and talk to ... i guess i can try to look into that

[Vance2335]

You have been abused as a child...you need therapy or your life will be very destructive. You need help in dealing with that happened. It was not your fault and that is what a trained professional will make you realize.

[LIZZIE LOU]

if you have never been tested for hiv...you need to do so.  not because i think you are infected...because everyone should be aware of their status.  you can go to your local health clinic and get a test done.

as far as your psychological state...this forum is not equipped for that and it is not the purpose of this forum.

get a test done.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with all of the advice you have receieved thus far.  First of all, despite your risks, you dont KNOW that you have HIV, that's why you need to take a test.

Also, there could be a lot of different conditions that are responsible for your symptons...one that I would look into is a fistula.  That is when a "road" that isn't supposed to be there forms between the female parts and the bladder, causing urine to come out of the wrong orifice.

You need to seek medical attention and figure this out...and of course some serious therapy.  Suicide is a long-term, forever solution to a temporary problem.  You don't get any "do-overs", you're just done.

Seek some help right away...both physically and mentally.

[LadyLady214]

Thanks ... anf yes i was tested in May and I have herpes in my blood, but the brown water doesn't stop coming out .... i will def. try to seek professional help ... i didn't think it wouldreally help.

[LadyLady214]

im scared to get tested again

[Vance2335]

You never said u tested for HIV to begin with. Have you? If not why not? If you have then why test again?

have you seen a therapist yet?