HIV high risk anxiety

[Slovenian]

Hello. I am not here to ask any question; however, I want to tell my story. I want to help anxious people to calm down. I am bisexual 22 years old man. It all started last November (2015), when I had an encounter with two guys at once (group sex). I was the receptive partner, double penetration. With one I talked for 2 months. He is 43 years old (he lied to me that he is 32). With this one in knew for two months, we had sexual encounters the whole weekend; multiple times. I asked them if they are healthy, they said they are. I had had again an encounter as a receptive partner with this guy I knew for two months. There were 2 more guys, but only the guy I knew, penetrated me (group sex again). All the encounters were unprotected. After 14 days later, I started to have headaches, muscle pains, sore throat, painful feeling under my right and left rib, night sweats, high temperature swollen lymph noodes. fatigue. I thought I had HIV. For one month I’ve read forums every second of the day. I slept maximum for 3 hours a day. Then I went to test myself at 25 days – it was negative. But I couldn’t believe it, because my risk was so high. I said to myself, that it would be smarter for me to go to another testing. I was on Xanax then and everything I could do was to lay in the bed all day and read forums.  I went to the doctor at 5 week. I’ve done all STD tests. Tests came back positive for chlamydia and doctor gave me Doxycycline and again HIV test was negative. The doctor said that it is ok. There was no need for me to retest, but because I was so anxious he told me that it would be better for me to test again. I was also tested for CMV and EBV. My results showed that I had EBV in the past, but I have acute CMV (VIDAS: high titer and low avidity).  My symptoms were because of CMV. But then I started reading forums again, where I’ve seen, that mostly people with CMV had symptoms (that is not true at all). I was again a step forward to suicide. After two weeks ( 7 weeks and 3 days) I retested again for HIV and syphilis. I was so close to suicide that my mother had to take me at mental hospital where I waited for the results. I was there for two weeks – doctor told me I have a general anxiety disorder. They gave me pills but I didn’t take them when I came back from hospital, because of the side effects (I thought they were symptoms of HIV). They drugged me so much that I slept for three days straight and I only woke up only for lunch and dinner. When I was at hospital, the test results came back – negative. But still I wasn’t convinced because I’ve read at ECDC guidelines, that people with acute CMV should take the test again after 12 weeks. I thought to myself I can’t test again and go through the same hell. I counted the doctors I was visiting from December to January. I visited 21 doctors and all said I don't have HIV. So I went forward with my life. But for one year, every day I woke up with thought that I have HIV I checked my whole body multiple times everyday (also swollen lymph noods remains swollen for a whole year in my groin area - my doctor said that it's nothing to worry about and that I can feel them because I am skinny) I was panicked if I had diarhhea or if I was sweating or if I had chills. Through that year I had some – let’s say sexy moments haha – mutual masturbation with 5 guys, but after every one, I panicked for like one week or so. I know that this type of contact doesn’t carry any risk factor for transmission of HIV (but I panicked anyway).  I was on and off on Xanax for a year. In December (2016), I talked to one guy on Tinder. We had a party in my dorm and got drunk. I went to him just to have a conversation, but things turned out in slightly different way. He sucked me (I was not sucking him), he fingered me and we engaged mutual masturbation. After that I was in such a panic. I tried to commit suicide again and my brother stopped me. The day after, I called the doctor, he said, that there was no risk for transmission of HIV. But in my mind I thought, what if he had precum on his finger or what if there was some blood in mouth while kissing (I have serious gum disease, I can see blood when I am eating banana, and I had two open teeth because my dentist was healing them), maybe his precum entered my urethra while we were mutual masturbating. I also thought we had sex, because I was drunk – but let’s be serious, I would remember that. Also I asked him if we had sex and if he is healthy. He said we didn’t and he is healthy – he tested one month ago, and had no one in between. But when I wasn’t concerned about last situation I thought the tests from last year weren’t accurate. So I was obsessed again with HIV, couldn’t do anything anymore. I couldn’t study, couldn’t eat, and my friends  just went away from me because I always talked only about this. So I decided to listen the doctor for the first time of this obsession and went to test after 4 weeks of my last encounter. Doctor said I don’t have to test, because I hadn’t any risk, but just for peace of mind. So I went and tested. I had to wait for results one week. In this time I had to go on psychiatry again, because I was so anxious – I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking and I couldn’t do anything anymore. The doctor gave my sedative, antidepressant and antipsychotic. Doctor said to me – because I described to her everything – that she is 100% sure that test would be negative. In this time after last encounter I went to cognitive behavior therapy. I have analytics psychotherapy and I am getting pills from my psychiatric. And the test after one year and 2 months after high risk encounter, and 4 weeks after low risk (I shouldn’t even test for HIV for that encounter) test was negative. All tests were 4th generation. I was so happy. Now I had to listen doctors’ advice, take anxiety, OCD pills, and not reading forums for health issues and most important never to have unprotected sex again. So that is why I am writing this, if you are really concerned. First of all, I would advise, STOP reading everything about health on internet. Medicine is complex subject, you couldn’t understand it with just reading it online from people that aren’t even doctors. People go and study for 6 years and more to become doctors. Trust your doctor and also your test results (after 4 weeks for 4th generation –as my doctor said). And also government with the conservative guidelines puts people into fear, because when people are in fear they are more susceptible for solutions and in that way the government is able to control the mass (this is capitalism) and sadly most doctors are involved too. Secondly go to the doctor and as I said trust him and if you’re not satisfied ask for opinion of other doctor. Consulters know a lot of things about that topic but a doctor is a specialist. I went through hell in 2016. Also my psychotherapist said it is more difficult to deal with problem that doesn’t exist that with one that does. So I hope my post is going to help someone to calm down.

[Patrick2017]

Congratulations. Good story. I hope you learned from your experience and never repeat it. The best thing to do is to abstain from sex or enter into a monogamous relationship (get married) with a women. If not, then use condoms every time, always!

[SmithWorried]

Congratulations :) Thank your life and move forward buddy :)

[Slovenian]

Thank you for kind words.