Hiv scare. Again. Warrants therapy?

My first major bout with it was several years ago after a trip abroad. For no real reason at all, I woke up one day and decided that it was possible I had HIV. At the time, I was not very educated on the subject. I immediately went to get tested and of course, had to endure the wait period as well as the "doctor has to tell you the results" bureaucracy.

During the waiting period, I was not mentally well. I stayed home rather than going out with friends and my imagination was all over the place. I could hardly accomplish anything.

Fortunately in this instance, I was well beyond 6 months of that trip so the waiting for the results was the only waiting I had to endure.


About two years ago, I had an escort over. I had seen her occasionally, but on this night, she gave me oral and while it was going on, she cut my penis. It was bleeding profusely and for days revealed a gouging impression.

Because of this one event, I went through a nightmare for the next 6 months, and even longer than that. I started to develop night sweats, sore throats, even a huge pimple-like lump on the base of my penis. The night after the described encounter, I met who is today my girlfriend. I was a totally useless and aunproductive wreck. I was completely withdrawn, and fell into a trap of repeated HIV test. I even befriended a guy at the clinic that would get me results faster.

[needtherapyithink]

At my 3 month, while waiting for the results, the guy used his cell to call the lab and get the results. I could hear him on the phone outside of the doorway. I thought I could hear him saying, "wow, he is positive..."

Of course, that was not the case, but goes to show a little about how terrified I was.

Fast forward. I recently had another encounter in Vegas. But this time, I was under the influence of x. I picked up this African American girl in the lobby of one of the major casinos and we went back to my room. I recall her coming in, and I recall her using a condom on me to give me oral sex. I recall ordering room service and I recall her saying "I need to leave..."

But the rest is very blurry. I know me, and I never have vaginal sex with these girls (I actually try not to with any girl I don't know). But I can't verify that I didn't in this instance. I know she spit on my genitals, and I think I had a condom on during that, but can't be sure.

Two days later, I got nauseas. I figured it was related to drinking the night before. However, I couldn't shake the feeling. Later that night, I felt a little head cold come on. Then I got a bad case of diarrhea and it lasted for the night. I tried to sleep, but woke up with nausea and sweats.

[needtherapyithink]

So now, I am back in the exact same boat. Only this time, I want to try to work on the source of the issue. Of course, I think I have it again and my mind is spinning. I was even worried that maybe I passed out when she was in the room and she injected me with the virus, I spent a while crawling over my body for abrasions.

I feel like I made a mistake and this is punishment for my mistake. The last bouts I had with this scare had me so useless, I couldn't even get an erection for sex for about 2 months. I know I made a mistake and I know I need to learn better behavior, but at the same time, I feel like the source of my issue may not be my "risky" behavior, yet maybe my head? Maybe I need therapy?

-How do you feel about my situation in concern with the chances of HIV?

-What do you recommend I do to get over the fear? Should I seek out some sort of therapy? Some type of specific therapy?

While I have read through so many threads on this board and each has lifted my spirits and inserted reason and logic into my thoughts, I still find my mind wandering off into the great unknown.

[Teak]

Excessive drinking and sex don't mix. Your symptoms came on to early to be related to ARS. If you don't remember if a condom was used or not then you will need to test.

[strata]

Your previous HIV testing ruled out HIV from the "cut penis" incident.

You encounter in Vegas, whether oral or oral+vaginal, was protected, so there was no HIV. Besides, statistically, most commercial sex workers in Vegas are HIV-.

It is extremely doubtful that anyone would inject you with HIV-infected bodily fluid. This is purely paranoia.

Part of your anxiety is likely linked to guilt: guilt about hiring prostitutes, guilt about having sex (esp. if you come from a home/upbringing that teaches that sex is 'dirty'/bad), guilt about cheating on your girlfriend with the Vegas escort, guilt about drinking/using drugs.

If using escorts causes you so much HIV-related anxiety, I suggest you stop.

In any case, therapy definitely seems warranted to uncover why (guilt? other reasons?) you continue to obsess about HIV.

Best of luck.

[needtherapyithink]

Good to hear about the symptoms. So you are saying that my stomach bout 1 or 2 days later is too early for it to be any symptoms?

I do recall her giving me oral with the condom on.

I don't recall having vaginal sex. I honestly think I would remember such a thing. I think it is my mind playing tricks.

[needtherapyithink]

How does one do that?

I saw some info on Rapid test, but what is the exact name? Where do I go for that?

[Teak]

Quit advising people to get a PCR DNA test done. It is not a diagnostic test.

[needtherapyithink]

Thank You.