Scared I could have HIV

[scaredofdaids]

On saturday night I went out with some friends one of whom is gay. I had a lot to drink, and after the pub closes my gay friend insisted on walking me home. While we were walking he started asking me if I just wanted to have fun, and go with the flow or if I wanted to go home. I was so drunk everything was a fog, and I didn't really realize what he was asking me, because he wasn't being straight up, he was talking in riddles. Before I knew it he had pushed me behind a tree and undid my pants and started sucking me. I let it happen, and things got progressivly more blurred as more of the alcohol in my system kicked in. It progressed to me trying sucking him, and then he then began performing analingus on me, and inserting his finger in a very rough manner. It hurt. He then told me he wanted me to **** him. I had a condom with me, and I told him he had to use it, but he took it off and forced himself onto me. At this point I was completely gorssed out and very unhappy, I was not enjoying the experience at all, but I was so drunk I was having a hard time expressing my feelings and getting out of the situation. I now totally understand how a girl can engage in something that is apparently consensual but still feel raped after the fact. I feel like I was raped, this was not something I wanted, enjoyed, or ever would have agreed to sober, and I can't quite explain how it ever went as far as it did.

But now I am scared. The very next day I was very, very sore around my anal area, which I attributed to how rough he was. But now, two days later I woke up with a painful headache which was lasted all day, along with swolen lymph nodes, swolen tonsils, and perhaps a mild fever/sweats. I am terrified that I could have contracted something, even though there was no ejacualtion that I am aware of.

This would ruin my life. I am so angry and afraid right now and there is no one I can talk to about it. I'm not gay, this is not something I wanted to do, I feel violated and scared at the same time. I took the day off work today mostly because of the emotional trauma I am feeling rather than the phsyical symptoms.

Please help me,

[boondock]

anxiety is tough.  and also people sometimes lie.  the thing is that the only way you could be at risk of getting hiv is you practiced unprotected oral/anal sex or shared a needle AND the other person was positive.  if you are worried get tested.  but for now don't let it get to you.

[scaredofdaids]

My anxiety is seriously out of control. He's assuring me that he is 100% sure he is safe and free of all stds, not just hiv, he's assured me over and over. I am asked him ploint blank if there is any reason at all I should be concerned and he says without a doubt that he knows for sure I am safe and don't need to worry. And he's no liar. The sutff I said before about feeling raped was true, but that's just because I felt so disgusted myself and found the experience ultimately so unpleasant, but it wasn't his fault, we were both drunk, he didn't do anything intentionally to me.  He's not untrustworthy, and given his regular tests and his insistance that he always plays safe and that I was some kind of wierd exception, Logically I should be able to let this go and enjoy the summer, so wtf is wrong with me?

I honestly don't think it is at all likely I have HIV, in fact my logical mind is pretty convinced I dont, but that isn't alleviating my paranoia. I can't believe I am going to go through 3 months of hell and that i have ruined the next three months of my life because of one stupid, horrible druken mistake that wasn't even enjoyable but in fact the opposite of enjoyable. I feel so god damn stupid it's not even funny.

[Rob73!]

You have been given the advice you asked for. What you do with it is your concern.

But to recap; you can;t tell your sero status on the basis that someone you had sex with tells you they are negative.

You need to have an HIV test to confirm your status. End of story.

[scaredofdaids]

well having him show me the results is not going to make a difference, I know several people who also know him, including his best friend, so I know he's not a liar. If he says he gets tested monthly for everything and is negative, and that he is 100% sure that he is safe and clean, then I am confident that means that to the best of his knowledge he truly believes himself to be safe and clean.

So having him get testes and tell me the results isn't going to really make a differecne in this case since the only real question is if he could be somehow wrong about his status.

[boondock]

teak is an expert.  if you had unprotected sex even for a second you are at risk.  chances are pretty slim but a risk is a risk.  tell your doctor you want to an hiv test.  he's not gonna ask why.  3 months is conclusive.  something that could ease your mind till you get tested is make him get tested and show you his results.  you shouldn't take thtat as a definite for you but it will ease your mind until you get tested.  and teak is saying don't go looking for symptoms to see if you have hiv or not.  hiv doesn't normall have a set of symptoms.

[scaredofdaids]

also this dr says ARDS lymph nodes are sore:

http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/insite?page=ask-01-03-17

[scaredofdaids]

Look, I know this must be annoying because you've heard it all before, but telling someone to just stay of the internet and stay busy is not helpful, you might as well not say anything at all. Obviously I would love to not be worrying about this, but the reality is no matter how much I try, this is going to occupy my thoughts day in and day out until know I am okay.

I guess I am just bloody unlucky that I managed to develop a severely sore throat, swollen glands and fatigue and night sweats right after this incident which is only making my fears worse. I know thse symptoms can't be from HIV, but they could be from Gonorrhea or Chamlydia, which I was unlucky enough to get years ago from an unfaithful ex girlfriend, and it's just adding to my fear. Yeah dude insists he's clean and gets tested every month, but if I have contracted Gono or Chlam, then what else could he have an not know about.

I read stuff seems to suggest my risk was low, since there was no ejaculation or significant exchnage of body fluids, but then the next thing I read contradicts that, and I don't know which opinion to trust. I don't know how to mkae myself feel better, I don't know who to talk to. There's no one. I can't tell anyone about this.

[Teak]

Try staying off the internet and stay busy. We've told you all there is to tell you.

[scaredofdaids]

i'm not asking you to place a wager on me, I'm asking for someone to give me a straight answer. Please, I am not doing this to be a pain in the ***, I'm doing this because I am freaking out and need to find some way to calm down for the next three months.

[Teak]

Odds are for horse tracks not in guessing HIV transmission.

[scaredofdaids]

can anyone just tell me what they really think my risk level is based on what I have told them? I know there is some risk, but what are the odds really? If I have to wait 3 months to know, I need at least some comfort in the meantime if there is any to be had.

[Teak]

Swollen nodes with HIV are not painful.

[scaredofdaids]

Well I visted the doctor today and detailed my symptoms fo swolen tonsils, swolen lymph nodes in neck, and as of today a very painful swolen node on my innner thigh. He prescribed clarithromycin and ordered tests for pretty much anything  from mono to chlamydia to hep c, but not hiv. I have not told him I want that text because I figure it won't tell me anything useful after three days and I am enbrassed to tell the story.

If what my "friend" says is true the chnaces of my symptoms having anything to do with our encounter are slim, but I am still so very paranoid and scared.

[scaredofdaids]

Okay so he replied to my email. He says he is very sorry about what happened. He says he never does that, and he was just as drunk as me and doesn't remember a lot of it either. He assures me that he is always safe, and gets tested for everything every month. He is assuring me that he is 100% confident that he is safe and clean and that I don't need to worry. I repeated my concerns to him  twice over, and he tells me he is 100% confident that he is completely clean and that I don't need to be worried about anything. Says he hopes we can bury this issue and be friends.

So, maybe I can relax a little, because I know he wouldn't like about that. So the only question is the small chnace that he wrong about is safety level.

As for the rape issue. I did consent, and though any bi-curisority I had vanished over the course of the encounter to the point where I was completely disgusted by it, I can avoid my own rensposibility for putting myself in this situation, I guess.

I hope he's right and I am completely safe.

[scaredofdaids]

also, the anal did not last very long, just a few second I think. just help me feel better please. I think he is probably negative, and I don't think he the type of person who would knowingly endanger me, but I just don't know.

SO scared. Can't wait three months to not be scared anymore.

[scaredofdaids]

I just need someone to help me feel better. I don't know how to explain what I went through and make my actions make sense. No he didn't hold me down and force me, but he did take advantage of me being in a severely weakened mental state. I don't know why I let it go so far, I really don't because I was very close to crying during every that happend after the initial oral sex, and didn't feel turned on at all. I kept saying I had to go, and he's keep pushing my down again and performing oral on me. At a certain point I gave up on leaving and decided I would just try and "finish" and give him what he wanted so I could go. But that was not possible because no matter what I was so unhappy and un-turned-on about the situation that I could do that. Eventually I managed to go, and left feeling absolutely horrible. No, he did not force me to do anything. But he did take advantage of me.

[scaredofdaids]

teak, he did! I was so drunk I was barely aware what was going on, my reaction time was so slow. Ultimately I did allow him to do it, I can't get around that, but it was not without protest, I just felt like I'd lost control of the situation.

[Vance2335]

By going to the police it could punish the person for the attack on you. You have to see it for what it was and even though you may not want to take it that far he should not have done what he did either. But that is your choice. No one here can make you do anything, you have to find the courage inside of you to do it. You may even want to find a rape support group or talk to a therapist about this incident.

Wait and see what this guy writes back and like I said test at 6-8 weeks for a good indication and 3 months is conclusive.

[Teak]

You told him you had a condom and you wanted him to use it. Now by saying that he didn't force himself on you without you being a willing participant.

[scaredofdaids]

i did decide to send him and email telling him how I feel, and especially how angry I am about him taking the condom off, and my concerns about my health. But I still can't see what good it will do to go to the police. All it will do is make something very public that I want to remain very, very private.

I feel so stupid. I did not like what was happening, I wanted it to stop, but somehow I couldn't make myself stop, it's like I felt I had reached the point of no return.

Now I am so scared. I can't wait 3 months without knowing. I am so ******* mad at myself for letting this happen. I'm terrified.

[Vance2335]

Teak changed his answer, he must have missed the unprotected anal part when he first wrote a responce.

You may not want to talk with him but it would be in your best interest. It would also be in your best interest to go to the police if all accounts are accurate. Date rape is date rape it doesn't matter if it is man on woman, woman on woman or man on man.

Testing at 3 months gives 100% conclusive.
You should also test for all STD's.

[scaredofdaids]

To Vance: While I could talk to him, I really don't want to. I don't want to relieve the discomfort of all of it. I don't want to go to the police, if I did that that many other people would inevitibly find out about it. I'm not looking to punish anyone, I just want my own peace of mind back.

Teak: I don't think this is the right place for you to be passing judgement on whether I was grossed out or not. My head was in an alcohol fog, and I was not thinking clearly at all.

I'm more concerned about why you are sure I was not at risk.

[Teak]

You say you had unprotected anal sex?  Then  you do need to test.

[Teak]

Doesn't sound like you were to grossed out at the time. You were never at risk of contracting HIV.