Still scared, testing tomorrow, need some support/reassurance

I am literally petrified to test tomorrow.
I know my risk is low to zero, but I'm still scared.
For those who haven't read my prev. posts, I gave unprot. oral to a guy with no ejaculation who told me he was hiv neg and practiced safe sex. Now it appears that he may be hiv pos (I've confirmed hes been lying about his name, etc..) He could be lying about his sexual practices. I didn't show any ars symptoms. This is my only exposure (I'm a virgin), so I know it probably isn't possible, but I need confirmation! I plan to travel to the states for a rapid test (hopefully a drop in is allowed). I'm just looking for some words of support as I'm so scared...

[Teak]

You put the unwarranted anxiety on yourself. You did not have a risk of contracting HIV and didn't need testing.

[aak001]

you had no risk and did not need testing to start with but since you insist on testing then you should expect a -ve result ;)

[fourfiftyone]

Thanks you guys. Yes, I have put the anxiety on myself, but tomorrow I shall be FREE from my HIV worries. I sure hope you guys are right, but at least if heaven forbid everyone is wrong and I do test positive, I will unofficially be PROOF that you can get it this way with no atypical conditions (although i would be very, very, very bitter to have caught it this way). I keep feeling like I can get past this, and I come so close and then fall back into the horrible anxiety! I vowed to NEVER give into my anxiety and test, but to me it's just logical that I can't keep living with this horrible anxiety anymore. As scary as it is to test (even though my logical tells me I'm fine, my anxiety is super severe), I know that the risk/benefit ratio is overwhelming!
I know all of this surrounds a much regretted same sex experience with someone who I thought was trustworthy, but now is so all over the place (to be fair, for him to be lying he would have to be insane).
This anxiety has caused me to do some HORRIBLE things:
- Pretended to be someone from another province, called him to make a hookup, said he insisted upon condoms. Told me he practiced safe sex and gave me a similar test date to what he told me in person (said mid-late last year). Said he hadn't tested since then.
- Pretended to be an HIV+ guy, msged him for a hookup, he declined but thanked me for my honesty.
-He told me (as me, that he was hiv neg last he tested out, that he only had anal sex 5 times since last being tested and he was 99% sure all were protected (he admitted that previously he had practiced unprot anal a while ago, but thinks it was before his test. At most, it appears he had one potential exposure.

What made me freak out again was a mix of paranoia/anxiety, and tonights occurances. I told him we needed to talk about the event and I pretended I was seeing a sex therapist. He replied that he has a lot of therapy before and thus might not feel it was within his limits to open up about his therapy (I'm assuming sex therapy). I tasked him if he was positive one last time, and he wouldn't respond. I threatened to post his status on the website he goes on and threatened to notify the police (I can't see why), and he then responded that he thought he had heat stroke and was feeling very sick. He did state very typical heat stroke symptoms, and re-it. that he tested hiv- last year, and practiced safe sex. He said he 100% didn't have unprot vaginal, only unprot oral and maybe anal (he said he as a rule doesn't now and pratices safe sex, but previously didn't). He told me he was 99% sure that any unprot. sex didn't overlap with his last testing. He said though that he "had a headache that mad eit hard to think and that he was almost certain he didn't have any unprot. sex bu that he couldn't remember the month of january".That's all fine and dandy, but sounds so dodgey it's not even funny. Our encounter was March 19th, so I'm assuming he god forbid he was infected in Jan, that he would ahve been past his ARS/ high VL stage mostly and that I would not be at an increased risk? I know you both say ZERO RISK,
But I've been told by others it's possible. There's so much conflicting info out there...

[Teak]

What you think is not facts. Reread your post and then try to tell us you don't need to seek professional mental help.

[fourfiftyone]

That's my point. I've lost it... completely. I have lost all connection with rational thought. I am obsessed with the fear and can't get rid of it. I know the odds (if it is even biologically possible) are in the billions theoretically (save for the fact that he's not lying, which he very well could be). Worst case scenario Dr HHH quoted me at a theoretical risk of 1:500 000 IF he was positive (and that's all theoretical I know). I know any case studies are unreliable and the person probably wasn't infected that way, I know I have at most minor nicks in my mouth, and I know I had no other infections that would increase my risk even theoretically, but this obsession needs to stop and a test will give me that mental reassurance I need to end this stupidity. I have been so obsessed with this I have pretended to be 3 different people, I have researched EVERYTHING possible (down to whether my asthma/allergies would increase risk or increase the chance of symptoms, the cell types, the EXACT protective oral proteins and enzymes etc.).
I desperately want to move on, and I thought I was rational enough to do that without a test, but alas, I can't. I have to now be courageous, bite the bullet, and just test.
At least if it is positive, I have reason enough to hate the world (not because of the HIV, but because I got it in a manner almost all here think is no risk).

[fourfiftyone]

Every little even theoretical risk factor freaks me out. I need to test as much as I don't want to. I sure hope you guys are right that it's no risk in my case... I really do. I don;t believe the guy is lying when he says he is hiv - (although he could be), but I do think he could have HIV.
The sad thing is I normally don't worry like this... at all. I just don't think I can move past forgiving myself for the encounter until I know 100% that I'm okay.

[fourfiftyone]

Just as a check,
If I somehow did test positive, would I still be able to go to medical school or would they kick me out? I live in Canada.

[Teak]

You aren't going to test positive and having HIV does not influence if one can go to medical school or not.

[fourfiftyone]

Thanks Teak, I'll post my results when I get them! I hope you are right!

[fashiongirl]

i still don't understand why you are going to the states.
just get it done in canada.
and you can still go to medical school if you test positive (which you won't

[nursegirl6572]

Your issue is guilt....and very out of control anxiety.  I cannot believe you actually threatened this guy.  The most realistic thing you have to worry about is NOT HIV, but rather a possible arrest for stalking, terroristic threats, etc...which COULD affect medical school.

If you want to test (btw...I would bet you every cent I had, plus my children that you are absolutely NEG)...then go ahead...but in the meantime...seriously seek some professional help and leave this guy alone.  It sounds to me that he is being totally honest...and what he told you as "you" and as the people you pretended to be seem pretty consistent to me.

Your anxiety is to the point where unfortunately I would worry that even a NEG test result isn't going to be enough to ease your mind.  Next thing...you'll be testing constantly and still be unable to accept the results.

I also agree...just test in Canada...go and get it over with...hopefully I am wrong and your NEG result will ease your mind.  If not...you need to seek professional mental help to help you deal with this...as you are acting very inappropriately.  

Lastly...you put a lot of blame on this partner....that he may be "lying" or distrustful"..etc etc etc...bottom line is....ANYONE can lie about anything...it is YOU who is 100% responsible for your sexual health....if you feel there is a risk in any situation...it is up to YOU to provide and insist upon protection....or simply do not put yourself in situations that you perceive to be risky (and I'm not speaking of this episode, b/c it wasn't).

Best of luck...I truly hope you can take your result and move on...every single person in this forum knows it will be negative...if we could only convince YOU of that fact.

[fourfiftyone]

Thanks for the comments all. I am in the states now outside the hospital. I explained my situation to the clinic here and they are letting me see a doctor about getting a rapid test done. I want this over with once and for good. I KNOW it will be neg, but I'm still petrefied. I am very proud of myself for gaining the courage to go get tested though. This is literally my worst fear and I'm here, and I'm facing it! Hopefully I'll have a great test result to post in a couple of hours!

[nursegirl6572]

Look forward to reading about the good news.

Kudos for having the courage to get tested....even though you didn't really need to....PLEASE be sure to accept your results and move forward.  Don't get stuck in the cycle of anxiety.

[fourfiftyone]

Thanks again. They overbooked my appointment and accidentally forgot about me, so I now have another 30 minute wait to see the doctor. I am in tears I'm so scared, but I will get through this! I will grow from this and be so much stronger after it's all over. Mentally, this is way more tough than anything I've had to deal with because of my sever anxiety. I will get through this...

[aak001]

dont cry i am sure you are going to test -ve.

[fourfiftyone]

I just took the test. I will get my results in 2 hours. I have NEVER been this scared. I am a complete mess. Emotionly this is the toughest thing I've ever done. I'm facing my worst fear head on. This is such a horrible feeling. The test better be negative. I just want this whole mess to be over. All of my suffering, my fear, my sleepless nights. I couldn't go on anymore, I had to test no matter how much it scared me. I want to hug my parents, tell them I love them and everything is alright.. I'm just so scared right now...

[nursegirl6572]

You're almost there.....when you get your NEG result....you can celebrate!

It will be okay, I promise.

[fourfiftyone]

YAY A NEGATIVE RESULT! Just like you guys said it would be :)

[fashiongirl]

good for you.
congratulations!
now go on and live your life and enjoy yourself.
put this behind you, be safe in the future and move on.

[fourfiftyone]

Thanks for all of the support everyone! I'm happy to say I tested negative and can hapiliy resume giving blood without fear:)

[IwillbeOK]

congrats!!! I am geting tested today scared as *** after all strange things happening  to me recently. I still hope I will be allright

[fourfiftyone]

Best of luck, I'm sure you will be fine! It's a very scary thing to do, but once you do it, you will be in the VERY least proud of yourself for having enough courage to face your fears!

[aak001]

Congratulations and I wish you the best of life :)