Unprotected Anal Sex.... I'm really scared. Plzzz help!!!

[stupid_stupid]

Hi, 17 days ago I had unprotected anal sex where I topped with another man. I can't belive how bloody stupid I was. I'm really regretting my decision. I just got carried away, we did have sex for what seemed like about 40 minutes but i never came in him. I met him online and didn't even ask what his HIV status was. Such an idiot. We were meant to meet again a few days later but I didn't end up going.

As of yet I feel fine, but the anxiety is killing me. I really need to talk to someone. I can't chat with friends or family because they are unaware of the fact that I have sex with guys.

I went for a full STD screenting and HIV test but am aware results prior to 4 weeks won't be a true reflection.  So I decided to go to a private clinic and get an early detection HIV test done which has a smaller waiting window, the test cost me £250.

I also used his cum to masterbate with. But after talking to a dr he assures me it was low risk as if he dis have HIV, it wouldn't be able to survive outside the body for a long time.

My anxiety is slowly destroying me. I'm having all kind of mood swings, I feel depressed and honestly frightened to death that I may have caught HIV. I've been told that my results from.the private clinic won't be available until Wednesday. I have a spot on my face and a few on my neck they don't appear to look like normal spots...... I'm so scared. Can't sleep....I look like a zombie.

[chipdawg]

any follow up?

[stupid_stupid]

Just phoned the clinic, receptionist took down my details and said the dr would phone me. This is a bad sign isn't it? The wait is driving me bonkers... every minute seems like forever.  I just can't do it anymore.  I know I'm being dramatic but I just can't wait anymore.

[chipdawg]

hopeful of you posting a negative result today. keep looking back at this thread every time you have the urge to do something rash again - it will surely stop you.

[stupid_stupid]

I really do hope so because I honestly don't know how I'll find the courage to go on if it is positive. The guy I had sex with was previously married to a women and has three children the olderst is 13. He did briefly talk to me about his ex bf. But what really stuck in my mind was how he told me everyone had broken all ties with him. I don't even know why I feel this information is important.  Few minutes ago I just lost the plot and cut myself.  Just for those first few momemts before the pain hit in I felt free. The wait I finding it so difficult. Please pray for me.

[stupid_stupid]

God, my anxiety is so bad at the moment, I'm literally shaking. Since it's past midnight, today I'll be phoning up for my HIV results. No one has replied to my post... I'm just sitting here in bed can't seem to sleep, tears running down my face and absolutely terrified. My life is OVER!!! I have a bottle of pills next to me, it would just be so much eaier if I ended it all now. At least that way I'd be saving them from all the shame. I'm soooo sorry mum. So sorry!!! I've let you down and I really can't cause you anymore grief.