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When will this End!
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When will this End!

Hi guys,
I'm really sorry to be back here, I'm  having a really bad day. On the verge of tears. Tested negative at 191 days and I just can't let go. Molluscum, tinea rash, folliculitis, dermatitis, fatigue, a NEVERFUCKINGENDING burning sensation in my feet coupled with tingling and pain, mouth ulcers, and on and on and on.

I'm in therapy. It's helped with so many other things in my life. But not this. I just can't let this go! How can I have all those things and be negative?

This is wearing me down. Of course I don't want to be positive, but the uncertainty is killing me. Slowly. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I just can't take this anymore.

What do i do?
I'm sorry, I  just need to say all this.
Tags: negative
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23 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks guys,
I tried my best helping out here, but I can't really be advising others, when I don't seem to be able to accept the official window period myself!

I appreciate all you've said. I hope I can let this go. O_G yes, I've had counselling and continue to do so. It's helped me out with so many other things. But not this. I'm in a relationship with someone who has tested negative alongside me and that's a massive source of my concern. But even she thinks I'm being silly - I levelled with her.

I don't know.

Thanks you guys. When I've gotten over this I hope I can return the compliment:)
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Avatar_n_tn
dobber end this ordeal for your own good. believe you are ok. find the real reasons, perhaps some other minor infection combined with guilt???
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Avatar_n_tn
hey man hows it going?
i know how you feel, feel uncertain.know this, there is no way this can be due to hiv.  remember, you came out positive for hsv 2, that is viral, and can possibly be causing  most of your symptoms. mouth ulcers occur frequently as an autoimmune response to whatever. a cold, flu, parasitic infection, intestinal syndromes/conditions, viral infections on,and on. peripheral neuropathy, if that is what your experiencing, is not hiv specific. sure it can happen with diabetes, and hundred other causes, also as from an infection.
hsv, have they started you on any meds, and how are they working for you?
what does your doctor tell you now?  i know the struggle and the stories you hear. has your doctor ordered other lab tests?  also, people can have ordinary communicable diseases that we dont have. for ex, strep,staph, you know you have to wear sandals when you shower at the gym, you can catch athletes foot.
molluscum contagiosum, can be spread through warm water, let say a hot tub, or a gym spa.  people carry all sorts of bugs, why do you think many become germaphobes.  just by shaking someones hands, you dont know if they washed their hands, you can catch "communicable" infections.
you, sly dog, had a menage a trois. you may have caught some bug, not hiv.
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Avatar_n_tn
by the way, even i came back positive for hsv2 so I wont be surprised if hsv2 causes those symptoms....
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi there Tony,
Thanks for your words, but I never caught HSV-2!

Thanks though.

I just wish my feet would stop burning, it's like walking on hot coals!

Your support is warmly appreciated. Thanks
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Avatar_m_tn
It will end when you get your results. The anxiety and stress will be gone and so wll the symptoms that you have.
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Avatar_n_tn
Dob,

Just a suggestion. Take three different tests at once. If they come back negative, which I think it will, maybe it would help shake off whatever HIV anxiety residue you have left inside your SUBCONCIOUS MIND. Then move on to find out what is causing the symptoms you're experiencing, if they're not from your anxiety.

Dude, all of us in here would love to be in your shoes: 191 DAYS NEGATIVE!!!! I really wanna be where you're at right now, 191 DAYS NEGATIVE, and here you are still worried!!! 191 DAYS NEGATIVE.

What is wrong with you? I am sure it's not HIV. Just ask anyone in here whether they would like to be where you're at right now.

191 DAYS NEGATIVE!!!

Maybe, your risk of exposure has caused a great traumatic anxiety DENT in your subconcious, and you probably need to do something drastic to repair that dent in your subconcious mind. Maybe take ten tests at ten different places. Keep on testing until you're broke or until you KNOW you will get negative results even BEFORE testing. And should you still have "what ifs", go wrestle with a bear or race a croc down a river or something.

Love to be where you're at right now. Just ask anyone in here. Slap you silly dude:) 191 DAYS NEGATIVE.

:)
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Avatar_n_tn
sorry to hear about your ordeal with those symptoms, Im not an hiv expert here but your 190+ days negative is indeed negative and you need to believe in your result, congrats!! Also take a look at your diet and are you exercising, those should help out and take some multi vitamins and exter-c, just some ideas, hope it helps.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have been having burning sensations in my feet with occasional pain for over a year. Have you really done any face to face counseling. You really need to give that a shot. I am in a situation where I am unable to avail to that option but you can really help yourself out immediately. I told you testing is not an answer after a 3 month conclusive test. There are other issues that need to be addressed. See, now even after testing all they way to 191 days, those issue are still staring back at you. Take care and Think Right....
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi dobber ,
                 had been reading ur comments in the other threads u were
            really gr8.
               191 days ...thats even more than 6 months ...
               abt the symptpoms....  by over reading on internet         probably u have self hypnotized urself .... thats wats been happening to all.
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Avatar_n_tn
Also, I am wondering if you tested for other STI's. Forget about HIV now and if you have tested for other STD's also at or around 3 months time, then forget about them as well and stop visiting medhelp support forums. Before supporting others, you need to support yourself. Charity begins from home... remember...
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208481_tn?1189759428
Hey man I feel your pain.  I am going through all sorts of problems with my body.  I keep swearing that it is hiv and I had a negative test at 6 months.  I owe so much money in doctor bills it aint even funny.  Take a look at my posting with all of my symptoms and tell me what you think.  I believe I have had more symptoms than anyone here!!!  Also someone commented in here that herpes can make you feel like this.  I need to know because here is what is going on in my life that might be contributing to this.  I split up with my ex girlfriend of 6 years, started a new career owning my own company, started a new relationship,slept with a russian girl unprotected because she was really hot and persistant that we do it without a condom.  I noticed sores in the crese of here mouth but she said that it was from licking them alot but  she kept gloss on. anyway, my new girlfriend got pregnant, I bought a new house that only I am responsible for, and my girlfriend gave me herpes which I knew she had before I got with her.  Tell me I dont have a story!!!!  After reading this take a look at all of my symptoms and then respond back to me.  Oh by the way, my girlfriend and her family thinks that I am crazy with the hiv thing and I also went to the russian girls house and told her and her family that if her daughter gave me something then I am going to kill her!!!  ( Not literally).
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Avatar_n_tn
sorry, my bad. i thought you had mentioned earlier you were infected with herpes. i only assumed.
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172023_tn?1334675884
Oh, dobber!  I'm so sorry you are still struggling so badly.  I had hoped it was over with for you.  I'm very relieved to hear you are in therapy, but it sounds like there is still a lot of work to go.  Perhaps you might need to consider meds at some point.  This could be some type of OCD issue, with the fixation on HIV.

I'm with you on the painful feet issue, though I don't think mine are from HIV.  They kill me.  Every minute of every day.  For no frickin' reason.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and take the troubling thoughts out of your head.  You are a special guy to me.  Sending some hugs your way, from your old friend across the sea.  
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188761_tn?1320166132
Dobber,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, I'm glad that you're seeking help.

I don't understand what's this nerve pain associated with, I had it during the first time I was scared and this time it's getting big on me, I couldn't move my feet today once I woke up in the morning, my hand's burning like hell, I could not concentrate on work the entire day, my nerves in the palm are hurting me.

I'm sick of this, I think it's got to do some thing with the stress and psychology

I hope you, I and every one gets over this s.hit ASAP !

Warm Regards

Mike
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172023_tn?1334675884
Maybe we all have some mysterious painful foot disease from sitting at our computers all day?  
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188761_tn?1320166132
Definitely this could be one possibility however for me I've been always been glued to my computer whenever I have nothing to do but this hasn't been the situation before.

I really really hope you're right,peek

These mysterious pains are killing me, I'm feeling sick of this damn thing, it's me myself who's to blamed for what I'm going through, I've been a real jack ass, I don't feeling like ******* living any more, I don't know how this would end...........................
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172023_tn?1334675884
I went to a foot doctor and we're just beginning to work on it.  They're making orthotics for me.  

The difference is, I don't obsess that this is some disease making me feel this way.  *shrugs shoulders*

Sh1t happens, ya know?  I'm getting older, I'm on my feet alot, and they hurt.  Poor, poor me.  

I'm just complaining a lot today.  Don't mind me.  
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172023_tn?1334675884
I went to a foot doctor and we're just beginning to work on it.  They're making orthotics for me.  

The difference is, I don't obsess that this is some disease making me feel this way.  *shrugs shoulders*

Sh1t happens, ya know?  I'm getting older, I'm on my feet alot, and they hurt.  Poor, poor me.  

I'm just complaining a lot today.  Don't mind me.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Hey guy,
   Try to think about things optimistically. Like you could be doing something worse than thinking about HIV, like doing a Ph.D........ooops you are doing one.

Just a graduate school joke.
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Avatar_n_tn
HIII Dobber ....what u think ...my goodness i was thinking i am only the most scared guy here....u are dumbo ..please don"t mind ..what you said 190+ days u tested negative ...then what the hell u r doing here{sorry to be so rude} gooo man have parties enjoy your life....and yeah don"t go for sex with strangers ;) ...coz we can"t handle that now...see you my friend God Bless You
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Avatar_m_tn

Dobber,

I am surprised you have to ask this question. When does it end? No one can answer that question for you, seems to me you'll have to supply that answer yourself. You know what the deal is here, I think.

You and I both know that you don't have HIV. Your tests prove that. What the tests are not telling us is exactly what's going on in your head these days. Such as, why are you so fixated on HIV? Why are you in this mental loop? I am sure, as you sit home and catalog your symptoms, that you think it's HIV. What, with all the "tingling" and foot pain, how could you not? Not like any other ailment could cause *those* symptoms. Certainly not (I am hoping you are catching the sarcasm here).

So, what's the issue? Good to hear that you are speaking with a therapist. It's helped with other areas of your life, though you say not with this. I say back: not yet, it hasn't, but it will, if you give it some time. Sometimes these cycles can take a bit of time to get out off.

In the meantime, try to understand something: you are almost hysterical at this point. You've built up such a well of fear and anxiety about HIV that it's going to take a while to drain that swamp, so maybe that hysteria is understandable. But, and you may not realize it now, you are in control of your reactions to this. Perhaps now is a good time to realize that and to take a constructive step forward. I know, it's hard, but you can deal with this, and you can moderate your reaction to it, if you will only realize that you are in control of your fears. You know what helped me? Accepting my fear. I realized that I was scared of being afraid. And so I did a little mental exercise that my therapist taught me. I pictured my fear as a river, with a strong current. I sat down in the middle of it. But instead of flailing around, fearful of drowning, I let that river pass right around me, offering no resistance. In fact, I pictured it passing through me; up over the rocks, it hit me, and then went through me, to continue on its path.

I think this, more than anything, helped me see that fear is a temporary emotion, and that the best way to deal with it, sometimes, is to accept that I feel it and will feel it again, and then to move on. So, you're afraid. OK, welcome to the human race. Now what are you going to do?

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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you all. Peekawho, it's been too long! And especially Xhost, your words make lots and lots of sense. The problem for me is, I'm not afraid of HIV, I really, really amn't. Yes I have thought about it for too long, but it's the lack of certainty that drives me crazy. But that's something for therapy! That's more wide ranging than this damn HIV thing.

Incidentally, I went home and had a good sleep and, shock horror, the pains in my feet went away!

Thanks you guys, all of you, I'm forever indebted:)
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