Substance Related Brain Damage (depressing read and probably a waste of your time)

Hi, I really need help and I've been searching for a long time to no avail.  Quite frankly, I'm at the end of my rope.  By that I mean, I'd rather go back to using drugs and drinking, then continue trying to fix myself... It's just too hard and I really struggle everyday.

I'm 22 years old male and I've been abusing cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol, and other drugs/substances for about three years.  I really cannot believe that I let this happen.  At the moment, I have no friends, I'm socially isolated, and I rarely go outside of my home.  I am afraid of social situations and letting new people into my life (ex. I did not attend my cousin's wedding for these very reasons).  The last time I had a job, I broke-down and ended up crying in front of my coworkers.  I haven't been back since.

I have seen several doctors and therapists with little if any progress.  The most anyone can do for me is to label me with several mental disorders and prescribe medications.  That's not an option.  I know that there might be a combination of medication that are just right for me... However, I don't want to be another guinea pig and I don't want to pump my body full of potentially harmful substances.  Not anymore.  I've heard of successful cases and I've heard of not-so-successful cases.  I don't want to take the risk (I've inflicted enough damage upon myself) especially after doing some research on the subject.

I have been clean for about 6 months (over a year with other substances) and I have noticed some restored function, but I've also noticed that I've lost certain advantages which I feel that I got from using drugs.  For example, my memory has definitely improved, but my clarity of thought has suffered and I seem to get confused and disoriented at times.  Furthermore, it is quite a challenge to organize my thoughts, etc, etc, etc...  I like to think that's the result of my brain slowly  regenerating itself, but it's hard to tell and I get very frustrated on a daily basis, because sometime it feels like I'm getting worse and worse.  It's painful, both physically and mentally.

I have gone through some research and have put myself on special diets, fasts, exercise plans (not so much), etc...  Maybe I would quit before gaining the true benefits of whatever I'm on.  I do have problems with motivation and believing that something (such as the special diet) will work.  Usually, I would convince myself that something will work wonders on me and then get my hopes up by releasing that it's not the miracle I had anticipated it to be.

To give you an idea, I used to move my eyes from one sentence to the next (when reading) and I wouldn't consciously see the words, but I'd know exactly what I was reading.  now, reading can get me depressed because I have to consciously see every word in order to understand what I'm reading.  If I were to try and read in front of people (such as in a classroom), then it would not make sense, especially if it was new material.  I think the problem is my concentration or lack thereof.  I don't know... Sometimes it seems like the more I try, the more I seem to fail and the less I can do.

Even though parts of my days are hell, I do have moments in which I feel content and like everything is going to workout.  

...

I do feel better after typing the above.  Hopefully someone can relate and/or share some sort of secret or something which I haven't discovered and that something will change my life and bring me back to myself - to the person I used to be before I met the wrong types of people and began using...  I just want to be normal again and feel like I have a future.  

If nothing changes, then I really, really, really won't have much of a future.

Am I expecting too much?  Am I just wasting my time?

Why can I not find the answers or figure out the solution!

[Bhupinder Kaur, MD]

Hello,

All these symptoms are because of alcohol and substance abuse. Alcohol and other drugs have a profound effect on the cells of the central nervous system. The toxic nature of these substances impair memory, reasoning, and judgment.

With each drinking episode, central nervous system functions deteriorate in a predictable sequence, beginning with intellectual functioning, followed by disturbances in sensory and motor control. Last affected are the automatic biological functions, such as breathing and heart action.
http://www.oregoncounseling.org/ArticlesPapers/Documents/ETOHBIOFx.htm

I feel that you are suffering from depression due to which you are getting addicted to substance abuse also. Depression is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive low mood, loss of interest in usual activities and diminished ability to experience pleasure.

The three most commonly indicated treatments for depression are psychotherapy, medication (antidepressants), and electroconvulsive therapy.

Pls consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible so that treatment can be started.Also abstain from substance abuse.Try to join a rehabilitation clinic and try doing yoga or meditation.They help in mental relaxation.

Take care and God bless.