post bypass anxiety and personality changes

[frightened wife]

My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!

[Pepperliveson]

My father self-medicated with alcohol due to anxiety over heart disease.  He had a heart attack at 42 and quadruple bypass surgery as well as both carotids bypassed at 60.  His heart disease and anxiety really ruled our family so I can relate to how you are feeling.  It's very difficult to know what to do in this situation.  I always wished that I had gotten my Dad in to see a counselor or gotten him some proper medication for his anxiety but he was much too stubborn for this.  Would your husband consider such a thing?  

[anacyde]

It is not uncommon for people to experience some depression and anxiety after going through this.  Everyone handles it differently, of course.  While his emotional health is as important as his physical health, you cannot discount your own wellbeing.  I think it's something that should be mentioned to his doctor.  He probably doesn't want to hear this from his wife, but may be more willing to listen to a healthcare professional.  People can be stubborn, it's in our nature.  Stress and anxiety won't benefit him, but probably won't damage him too badly in the short term either.  He's got to come to grips with it.  I wish I had answers on how to make that happen, but all I can really say is don't coddle him.  Don't irritate him either, but firmly tell him his anxiety is to a point where you fear it is affecting his health and, sick or not, he needs to handle that appropriately.

Most of all, be his wife, not his caregiver.  Don't treat him like he's glass, it will only make things a thousand times worse for him - and you, unfortunately.

He may end up needing treatment for depression and/or anxiety.  Is he in a cardiac rehabilitation program?  Sometimes this can be a HUGE help.

[frightened wife]

Thank you for your input. The mood swings are intermittent but I think the idea of speaking to his doctor will be beneficial for both of us. You might be right that he would take advice better from him than from me. My husband is convinced that he is not depressed but I really think otherwise.

[anacyde]

Sometimes it takes someone close to us to see if we are not ourselves.  You may be absolutely right in your observations.  In any event, I hope you both get some answers soon.  I understand this must be a rough path for both of you.  I'm in hopes you both emerge from it stronger.

[aroseby]

I happened on the forum by chance.
My husband also had bypass surgery, since that time I noticed, like you a change in personality, irritability.. sometimes quite servere.and worrying over minor things.
He has been on statins since the surgery and I am convinced this is part of the cause in his case.

[[e-mail]]

My Husband Just Had a triple Bypass and he is not the same person he was
there are a great deal of changes in his personality. I really don't know this other person,
he does the same as your husband he flys off the handle for no reason he does not remember things like he did before the surgery. He seems less interested in anything.I don't know what happened but i did notice a difference right away and asked the doctor if he had a stroke or could test if he had one.The doctor said it was probably the pain pills,but i new it was something more,i could feel it and see it he just was not himself,his personality was totally different,and it's very hard to explain to an outsider that you know somethings not right.I wish you my best ,I just wanted you to know that your not alone

[Momto3]

My dad had CABG about 10 years ago and I agree that the surgery can be life-altering in more ways than one.  The physical effects of the surgery are long healed while the emotional/psychological effects remained.  Prior to the surgery, my dad was very high-spirited, happy-go-lucky, and rarely anxious or frustrated.  After the surgery, he became less tolerant and more readily irritated or frustrated.  It was definitely an adjustment for all of us.  We love him dearly, but we are honest and let him know when he seems "out of sorts."  

I agree that talking to his doctor is a good idea.  What you (and your husband) are experiencing is common and the doctor may have some great ideas for both of you.  Your husband is much more likely to listen to the doctor : )

You may also want to ask the doctor about your husband's medications. Personally, I think that the medications can contibute to the patient's mindset, etc.  Take care of yourself.

connie

[MysteryChemist]

I defintely agree with Anacyde's commnts. Your husbands are all exhibiting signs( frustration, irritabiliity, lack of interest, etc)  of depression. They should be evaluated by their doctors..

I have read that up to 50% of heart patients will be depressed in the first year fo their treatment. I speak from personal experience    I am a 55 year old male. I had a heart attack 20 months ago. I didn't have CABG but I had a stent. About a month into the recovery, I noticed that I was having problems with sleeping, crying jags, etc. I told my doctor that it seemed that all of the fun and joy in my life had ended.  She immediately put me on Zoloft. If I remember correctly, I felt much better, nearly normal, within 2 weeks.

One problem is that men are notoriously bad about talking about their feelings, thoughts, etc. If you add in the idea that depression isn't manly, then you can see why some men find it incredibly hard to discuss these problems.

By all means, I would definitely encourage you to talk to your doctors as depression can be treated through drugs, therapy or both.

You might also check into a group called mended hearts.  Thay have chapters in various cities and they can help support both the patient and caregiver. You mention you've been through rehab.  The rehab group should be able to refer you and your husband to psychologist who may be able to help by showing you ways to cope.  Even if your husband won't go, you may find it of interest.

[LLWB]

My ex-husband had a heart attack and triple by-pass. He was never the same again. He wouldn't quit smoking.  After about 6 months he told me that since he was going to die anyway, he wanted a divorce, so he could  be happy until he died..After separating for 2 years waiting for him to come to his senses, I finally gave in and gave him one. He married almost immediately, continued smoking, had another heart attack and double by-pass surgery. He survived again and is still smoking. He changed so completely I didn't even know him. I trully believe he was depressed, but he wouldn't go for councelling or anti-depressants. He is type A personality and a control freak. You have to take care of yourself and your children. Until he accepts help, I'm afraid you are in for a rough time. I don't mean to be negative, just wanted to let you know how far things can spiral out of control. Your husband is not accepting his health issues, and wants to blame anyone he can, for something he can't control. Good luck, and take care of yourself. He needs councelling badly.

[sleeppuppie]

I can relate truely and completely, right now it sounds like you just described my husband.  He had surgery 3 months ago, but is 45.  I cannot believe the change in him, and it seems that he just walks around looking for something, and yes now he is centering all of this aggression on me.  Something anything could go wrong,I might not be there but by god its still linked to me.  I am only writing a short version of his recent shanagens but believe you me he has cause me much tear shed since hes been home.  The things he says are just plain mean.  I even told him that the good lord gave him another chance and better health, that he should exsert his new found energy to something good, he told me to shut up.  I dont know and certainly dont understand, but thankyou for this post because it gives me hope that when he says he doesent love me ,since the surgery, that maybe there is a link to it and now I dont feel so alone

[jim62]

If you can find a CAD or CABG support group, that may be worth a try.  Just so he could see that he's not the only one going through this.  My main problem after CABG was lack of knowledge.  They do the surgery, boot you out the door, and tell you NOTHING about what to expect, etc..  It is very frustrating, and scary.  Depression is very common so some counselling (and drugs) may be helpful, too.

[pusher]

I can understand what all of your husbands are going through.  I had a heart attack and emergency CABG x 5 about 5 years ago.  I understand the feeling of completely helplessness and even uselessness that comes with heart disease.  I also understand what a guy feels when it seems his life just got flushed down the toilet.  That doesn't make our resultant actions right by any means.  For those of you wives that have had to deal with and are currently dealing with a husband that is acting like a jerk my heart goes out to you.  I know I probably treated my wife like dirt for awhile.  I was so wrong to do that because she was my strongest support person.  It took me a long time to understand that I didn't have to always be strong.  I didn't have to be in charge.  Like most men, I had this macho attitude.  I took me awhile to get over that.  Some men maybe never will when put in the situation where they aren't the tough guy they thought they were.  It is a very humbling experience.

I know I blew up at my wife over stupid things.  I know I blamed her for everything.  I know I made her cry more than once because of things I said.  I also know I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her because it finally dawned on me that the position I found myself in wasn't anyone's fault but mine.

I don't really know what to tell you gals to do about the situation you find yourselves in with your husbands because everyone is different and I don't really know what made me finally wake up.  I do remember my wife finally having had enough and letting me know in pretty blunt terms that she wasn't interested in going to anymore of my pity parties.  I remember her telling me she loved me and that she would be there when the "real me" came home.  I guess "I" finally did and life has been wonderful ever since.

I sincerely wish you all the best of luck.

Pusher

[msh22]

sorry, its just another wife that has no idea what to do. its been a year and a half since my husband of nearly 38 years(as of now) had a quad bypass...he wasn't put into any rehab, he gained weight.now needs to have the stress test again and yet wants to lose weight first. i have told him he just can;t take the time to do that now. he needs the test. but the personality change has been the worse. i feel like when he says hurtful things or does things that hurt my heart that it just doesn't matter. he is living life the way he wants to. that is how he comes across.he was the most loving /strong/ sweetest/most tenderhearted person i have ever known that would have given me the world if he could. now i feel i am in the way in his world. i have not known how to deal with this. i spoke with his drs office for months about it and they told me if it was depression that wasn't something they dealt with..i was not warned of this. he had never been sick our entire marriage until that surgery--it was frightening and scary and i can not imagine living my life without him,,,,yet basically it is what i already am doing emotionally. i guess i have no choice but to let him act however,,,my job is to see that he gets the tests done --but as for the change in him, i don't think that is something that is going away and i don't know how  i can stand this. it has been a painful drastic change and he doesn't even realize it. he is still kind and loving...but on his terms and when he chooses....i am not sure how to make this transition and i am only in my 50's/this has felt like a death of sorts. and i fear he will not ever be the same and i am unsure how to live like this.

[pusher]

While I have heart problems and have had bypass surgery and can understand what your husband is doing and maybe why he is the way he is, I certainly can't condon it.  I finally saw what I was doing to my wife and family and GREW up.  Everyone with heart disease or heart issues is affected differently on the mental side of things.  The same can be said about all the spouses and family of those affected.  They too all react differently.  Sadly, some relationships don't make it and that is truly a shame.  I hope and pray that yours isn't one of those.

You stated that it was YOUR job to make sure he gets a test done.  I don't think that it is your job at all.  It's his job to take care of himself, eat right, get exercise and it is his job to start thinking  less about himself and more about you and how his actions affect you.

I think it's your job to be that same person that made 38 years so wonderful.  I can't say that I know what you are going through because I was on the dishing out side for several years.  I do know pretty much what your husband is feeling though.  If you haven't a real pointed and blunt discussion about what is happening to you and your marriage maybe it's time to do that.  Maybe it's time to talk to a counselor, a therapist or a cleryman.  I think it is definitely time to talk, really talk, to your husband.

I wish you the best of luck and will hope for a happy outcome to all of this.  

[maggiemag]

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with pusher.  It is your husband's job to live his life, make his own decisions, right or wrong,and take responsibility for his own life.  He is old enough to do this.  Your job is to take care of you, and to be honest with him AND yourself.

[msh22]

i know deep down its his responsibilty to do all the right things for his health. I feel that at this moment he wouldn't even notice or  feel anything if i were to leave.-which i am not going to do. he has no clue as to how badly my heart aches due to his actions or decisions and choices,,, when i have tried to talk to him his famous line is "i don't know what you are talking about". i tried demanding--i tried crying--i tried ignoring--and i am at the point right now that i just want to get through christmas and if i have to deal with this it won't be til after the first. but i don't know how to deal with something when he doesn't even see it.
i have no one i really speak to about this as i do not want them to think badly of him,,,this is not the man i married. his actions /bad choices shouldn't be able to control my feelings like this. he is doing what he wants when he wants and i don't even know him. my thanks tho for your comments . i do feel i have dug my own hole tho and now i have to figure a way to get out. thank you.

[msh22]

by the way--how long before you "saw the light " and what you had been doing to your wife and family--and what was the turning point. i seem to be doing everything wrong in that respect. thanks

[msh22]

forgive me but one more question......please try to put into words what you were feeling--and why it made you behave the way you did. i want to try to understand -- as i am aware it was the surgery -- but i really can't relate to what has caused the personality change....in order to help us i need to understand what he is going through, thanks so much to all of you for being there. this may be the ray of hope i needed.

[mamameow]

i agree about taking responsibility but when 2 people live together, what one does reflects on the other, it is hard to separate yourself from his responsibility. my husband who passed away 7/22/06 spent his time since bypass (1997) needling me at every chance, screaming at me and blaming me for anything. my story is a little different in that my darling did not smoke, did not drink, was 11 years older. after his bypass we changed our eating lifestyle, vegans except on sunday. he was walking 5 miles a day. his blood fats were way down, ldl was 52. he lost 30lbs. the same for me. he was supported of our new life style. we lived like that for a year after we made the changes, 18 months after his bypass. he no longer needed meds for hypertension, diabetis. the first day of his retirement, a monday, these changes were gone, he was back to his old life. it was as if the bypass and subsequent life changes never happened. nothing i said or did was right. he finally told me in his last year, that he did not take no advise from no stinking woman. to this day i do not know why he stopped the changes, he did not know. if anyone can give me an opinion i'd appreciate it. the last year was screaming at me, sometimes in traffic, sometimes i thought i was going to have a heart attack from fright. if he had lived, i was looking at a divorce because the situation was causing me health problems, hypertension.         mamameow

[vienna13]

"i agree about taking responsibility but when 2 people live together, what one does reflects on the other, it is hard to separate yourself from his responsibility."
by mamameow

Excellent  statement.

"this is not the man i married. his actions /bad choices shouldn't be able to control my feelings like this. He is doing what he wants when he wants and i don't even know him. "
by msh22  

I heard that before, from my friend, popped up in my head at times:)…so I went back to read what you are all talking about………………..

Some of my random thoughts:

Doesn’t matter if our husbands had bypass or other heart issues, or any health issues or they are healthy and we are not. The point is we are ageing (aging), and when in the door of death(or we think we were) we star to feel differently. Our real personality that was hiding and covered by our good behaving earlier now has a strong needs to come out ‘great’ and very said but good example for that what happened to LLWB ‘s marriage. I am very sorry LLWB what happened to you, but you did the right thing, to let him go if this is what he needed.  

We women must realize that. We all feel that at times even if we don’t  dare to say , only think: "this man is not I married to, I don’t even know him anymore"...but never forget: we are not the women they are married, and we are not angels, we all I am sure have our moments.....or many…

..be BLUNT…don’t bare your feelings, do NOT let those feelings to eat you up….
Congratulation to Pushers wife :) ….by the way pusher I thought you were a women, I admire your strong willingness how you push yourself ..Exercise etc….

Anyway my point is we must face the fact: things changed, due to health issues and age....we never can separate that, ever. Some people can see the way out from this s***  by unite, be even more loving and blame what happened to them on age, time, stress the world  whom ever and hold on the still many beautiful things left ,many activities that can do and enjoy together like: walk, garden, sports, visiting grandchildren, movies, traveling etc.....but non of those will salve the  main problem we are getting older and older looking , and even cranky sometimes and not as healthy young and beautiful we were or we thought we were once, and never will be…..isn’t that enough to be a little depressed about ?...and that’s all are a turning down...for the other too.

If it is hard to be in each other company every day, do more happy things for you, and let the other do the same, and accept   , compromise.

“Agree that talking to his doctor is a good idea.  What you (and your husband) are experiencing is common and the doctor may have some great ideas for both of you.  Your husband is much more likely to listen to the doctor: ) “
By Mamto3
  
…could be the answer for some people, but I say if you feel no way out and can afford go to get  a good therapist, a GP doctor might just give an other unhealthy pill, that can send you to la la land….that could be OK for a while, but not a solution for long years.

Divorce?...I say no never do it..dont leave your husband if he doesn’t want to live you, you will be even more miserable...friend of mine left her husband ,based on : " I didn’t know him anymore after 30 years of marriage" what a  nonsense I would say.

Unfortunately she had some bad adviser.


   “verbal abuse"... hm  what the hack it means anyway? Yelling, screaming, name calling? Sometimes the anger must come out….and most the TRUTH  must come out that how we really feel, and why?...it could help in my opinion in many cases and would save us to get on  antidepressant on which we can become like a vegetable….

Stay together if you can. Work on it!

  Lonely single people even more miserable..... At least we are whom in a 20-30-40  years of marriage have the other still whom we have our good and bad times...and it is up to us too that to be able to archive that balance in which the good times take over on the bad times.

If you still not sleeping on my post, as Barbarella would say: Count Your Blessings.  
And …
Have a Great Christmas Day Everybody!

[mamameow]

sorry but does not sound like you have had first hand knowledge of this situation. okay we all get old, we all will have health issues but at some point when there is no cooperation from the spouse who has had bypass, your own survival comes into play. cranky? need to let anger out? real personality coming out? we are not young and beautiful, so we must accept this behavior?  this is a medical situation i feel that doctors are aware of but do not pass on any advise. spouses in this situation know something is wrong but do not know why. then the self blaming comes in, and vienna, you add to it. so your advise is, because we are not nice looking anymore, old, we should keep our mouths shut, accept any behavior, count our blessings. go for nice walks, smell the flowers, travel.  single people are miserable and lonely!  i lived for seven years from the bypass being screamed at, not crankiness, until i started with health issues. i had to solve my health issues alone because my spouse was involved with his issues and too verbally abusive to care.  loneliness? i was more lonely before he died, because i was alone!  now i am running the business we had and choose to be alone when i want. my blood pressure and other health issues are under control. oh and the dating is fun even at age 66.

by the way the only thing that put me to sleep reading your post was the bad grammar and spelling. some of it did not make sense. you sound lonely.

[vienna13]

: ups sorry mamameow see my problem is :English is my second language...:)..
And this board doesn’t have an edit button to correct my mistakes after I realizing them, while reading my post again, after I sent it.

  I think you never loved your husband  enough if you were thinking on divorce after he had problems and poor you had health issue ,like high blood pressure……you couldn’t understand him, how would you understand me and my crappy English? :)  

You were not happy with him , you are happy without him ..nothing to ashamed of that....we have our love coming in a very different packages ...some of us have more...some of you have less...again I am sorry my grammar was painful to you !:)

Yes I was lonely for 1-2 hours today....:)this is why I posted...

..Tomorrow  will be  our 35 years wedding anniversary...and my husband is healthy I have heart issues.

Have a happy dating. :)...hope you will find real love.

[mamameow]

i sort of thought english was your second language. grammar that is painful is when it comes from u.s. born/educated posters. but you cannot always tell if it is second language or poor education. i am sorry about your heart issues.  my spouse was my second marriage. he was the love mature love of my life. we did everything together, including worked together. we were inseparable. when he retired i had to quit working in order to keep him healthy. little did i know that he had made, for whatever reason. the decision to go back to the old life style, without regard to his health. no matter what i did, how i did it, no matter how i asked or cried, the new life changes were gone. i was very happy with him---until the bypass. his personality changed, he did things that would impact me without any consultation with me and then would say that is how he was going to do something and i could leave if that is what i wanted. so i quit. i tried to continue helping him eat right without being obvious but just became a nag. so i stopped that and just enjoyed him until the screaming started about 2 years after the bypass. we were traveling in the motorhome continously, i did the driving, it was not safe for me to let him drive. he paid no attention to drive laws/speed limits. after 3 accidents which included turning the motorhome over, his driving stopped because i was going to leave. he would scream at me while driving that motorhome, 40foot with car in tow. he was an opera singer, a baritone, and when someone with that voice screams at you for nothing, it was frightening. it came to the point i said nothing for fear of being hit. he never did but the threat was there. as far as being happy without him? no but i am safe. like the rest of us who have posted, we would all like to understand why our spouses changed after bypass, not just accept our lot in life. i guess that is what some would say is love, accepting, never question, just love him more and if that fails then you just did not love him enough.

in your whole post you never mentioned you loved your husband. are you taking care of your health?

[msh22]

i see there are all kinds of sides to this. i of course only know mine. but i do think the medical professionals should have discussed this possibility of extreme personality change with me --because with awareness comes less fear and worry. i am more at peace today as i did alot of thinking last night as well as today. I love my husband --good and bad times--and i am not going anywhere. i just want to help him. i do not like to think he is frightened or that he is waiting on the grim reaper around the corner.Heck, i don't know what he is thinking.   I also do not like to live in an unpleasant situation. That being said--this may all be due to something that i can not fix--and he may never become aware of as pusher did.  no matter tho--i do love him...I plan to speak with my personal dr. about this to be sure what i am doing--but helping him is helping me. I believe alot of the anxiety i have been experiencing from his changes are due to the fact i was so very ill-prepared. Goodness knows he has stood by me through some hard times..no-- that doesn't mean i owe him, but it does prove what kind of man he is.  If he doesn't even know what he's doing and when, then it would be pretty hard to convince him to get help...so my thinking is i need help to deal with who he is at this stage in his life.(for my sake as well as his)  I am not going to throw away 38 years of marriage when none of this may even be in his control.  actually i have never thought of doing that anyway.  whether  or not he may think he wants to leave some day-- i can not worry about right now.   We had a nice day today and I am most grateful for that. I am grateful for minutes instead of hours and hours instead of days now.  and thanks to pusher for all of his insight....Thanks to you all your help.

[mamameow]

i just remembered that when my husband had his bypass, he was on the heart/lung bypass machine longer than expected. he had nine blockages. when he was in recovery/icu they had problems getting his respiration/oxygen level up to normal. he was in icu a week. i know from research that the theory is the body remembers being dead for seconds prior to going to the heart/lung machine and coming back from the machine. could this cause the changes, the anger? also the machine is made to eliminate as much air caught in the tubing but microscopic bubbles are there. could this be the problem? with my husband's extended time on the machine, could this have caused the radical changes? i know when someone has strokes, there can be personality changes. if i ever get into this situation with another husband, i know i will be more prepared, will ask more questions.

[mamameow]

i think that professionals should make counseling part of the post op treatment, even before they go home. if you/spouse can anticipate the changes, know they are coming, then they can be dealt with before the anxiety sets in. at that time it is harder to deal with. i have a medical back ground but still was not prepared for the changes. the flare ups are so unexpected. my husband's doctor was no help, he went along with whatever my husband said or did, even when it was not good for him. i found it hard to be there when he had a check up. i could not say anything because i would be in trouble when we left the office. verbal lashings can hurt. hang in there, you are further ahead of the "game" than i was and will work through it, just come here to vent.

[msh22]

thank you..i have found that venting is sometimes the only/and best medicine that will help me in these type of situations. it has been a grand outlet of getting the anger/fear/bad attitude etc out . i also, many times, find that i end up muddling through or answering my own questions via venting. it is a way i do not have to involve family and other loved ones--they don't have answers anyway--and by speaking of these type of things about my husband for example--i find it tends to turn them against him . they don't mean to--it is just a natural way of trying to help and protect me. i recommend it(venting) whenever the load is just too unbearable regarding anything in one's life. it may not solve anything, but who knows, it may just help me stay strong in case i am needed by him/my family or even in case i get sick. i have learned an awful big lesson..and that is --if there is a next time or if any family member has anything done and i am to be the caregiver, i am going to not only answer questions but demand answers--i want them to answer questions and to have me and my loved ones treated as if we were their family members and not just another case. just because they do this day in and day out--and all went well for my husband as far as the surgery was concerned, this has been the most frightened i have ever been in my entire life. so who's to say that maybe i might have changed some--or alot--also. i do know i have taken seriously the fact that i may lose my husband some day. he is 15 years older than me..alot of the things he normally takes care of, i have either learned to do it or called to get it done or asked how to do it...i needed to know our financial situation as well as he did make a list of names of folks to call in case i had questions regarding things. he did that right before his surgery. i pray i will never need to know any more than i do now, but if i were to find myself in the same or worse position again, i hope i will be more prepared.  i know i am angry alot and scared alot .i probably don't even seem empathetic at all.  his illness and now his inattention to his weight etc./drinking etc. are scary. but as far as the attitude , bad choices/etc//i will deal with it. as i said earlier/venting will help me handle it at the end of bad days. fortunately i found this forum and fortunately this has been a mighty fine day, so i will count my blessings tonight and i just have to stop worrying about the tomorrows i am sure they will take care of themselves...i have told him seriously that we will be getting his stress test scheduled and he actually said ok.  so i will call my family dr. and insist that he take care of it and have him responsible seeing to it that he doesn't cancel...he was doing that behind my back--and therefore i would think we had something scheduled and poof--he would wipe it off his calendar.  always 'too busy'.
i had back surgery in july that has seemed to pretty badly so i have also got to take care of me right now/or i will be of no use to anyone else if needed.

[pusher]

You asked me to respond to several questions.  Since that post you have been given some excellent advice and from reading your last post it appears that you have taken the bull by the horns and demanded or insisted that certain things get taken care of.  Good.

Heart disease is really a very individual thing.  It affects more people than just the person with the disease but is still a personnal individual thing.  However, even though it is individual sometimes it takes a gentle nudge in the right direction, sometimes it takes a good hard shove.  I need the good hard shove.  It might be that is what your husband needs too.  From reading your last post it would appear that he does.  Remember though it might take more than one shove to get results.

I remember when I had a heart attack and then CABG x 5 the perceptions I had about what it took and what it meant to be a man really took a hit.  I found out that being the MACHO guy that took care of everything wasn't really what it meant.  I found out that I didn't have to take care of everything and that I wasn't always going to be able to do everything my way.  I found out that I didn't have to be the "go to guy" all the time.  I also found out that even a MAN has to ask for HELP once in a while and that asking for help doesn't make me any less a man.  The biggest thing is that the perception of what I thought was important wasn't really important.

When my wife gave me a "hard shove" a couple of years ago, she wasn't trying to change me into being what SHE wanted me to be.  She was helping me change into who I needed to be.  Vienna is right about all of us getting older.  That aging process changes all of us in many ways.  Hopefully, with a little help, we are getting BETTER too.

[maggiemag]

Wow, does not sound like much fun.  I would bet, though, that he had some major depression after retirement.  I think  you said that much of your lifestyle changes went away after he retired.  I think depression after retirement is very very common and something most don't talk about.  I am sorry you had to go through such abuse.

[maggiemag]

Gee, where do I start!  LOL
I guess you have to speak for yourself, but I, for one, get better looking every year!!

AND, while I have been divorced since 1989, I am still single and am NOT lonely or miserable!

AND, my worst year since divorce is way better than any year married.  (I am not against marriage btw, at all, just haven't found him yet ;-))

Maybe you read too many books, Vienna?

[vienna13]

Good books are never too many. Also you can joke about all what I said I stand up for it, and don’t mind if you do joke, if you find it was funny.  I do not.

You divorced because of what ever reason, I was saying, do not divorce from a man based on a false believe that he is abusive simply because he is aging ,have some health issue going trough some difficult time because of  his heart or what ever other problem  and  he is cranky etc....
  
work on it, this is what I said.

“ Lonely people have a greater risk of heart disease, possibly due to differences in how their cardiovascular system reacts in times of stress rather than because of unhealthy behaviors, “
  
I am glad you are not lonely or miserable!:)

[msh22]

thanks so much for responding. you see, i feel that if i can understand just a little bit about what he is going through maybe i can help or be there for him in a more productive way. i see him right now as a man that for whatever the reason is living life in a very negative way--it doesn't really matter anymore what he is or isn't doing that is so wrong...i have thought about it and maybe/just maybe--it isn't actually about those individual things-- but more about the possibility of his being extremely scared--angry--and lashing out at the world--who knows..i am happy to shove all it takes to be sure he  is okay physically. i will continue to do that. i may not be able to 'fix ' the rest /but i will certainly hang in there to help keep him from sinking  into  the abyss. I have begun to feel stronger over this past week. i made some very big decisions about alot of this... so i am not scared to push him to do what has to be done. i used to be so meek and scared about  and didn't want him to 'get upset ' with me--heck--he is upset with the world right now except maybe a little corner he paints for himself every now and then to back up in and keep me out. i think he believes if he leaves me out--then he doesn't have to face the real world. i can't let that happen--because i am in his real world. i do believe the root of alot of this is he is truly still very scared and feels very very alone. The future is all of a sudden too unsure for him--so instead of helping himself it somehow got all turned upside down and he basically is destroying good stuff in his life instead of hanging on.....i can only imagine the fear he was facing as the patient. i can only imagine.
we have a had a great 3 days-as great for us goes...and i can tell you that 90% of it is my attitude change of not sitting and waiting on the bad/which may or may not happen/or being angry all of the time if he was doing this or that. i would like to think  that with the calmness i am imposing on myself - that i am in turn  positioning myself to where i can help him.   i surely hope so anyway.  
i want you to know that you and your family are very fortunate...do not ever lose yourself again!!

[pusher]

I think you said it right when you stated that there is a possibility that he is extremely scared.  I think you are very close to what is happening or has happened to your husband.  I know I was too.  I was so afraid of dying.  I had a real hard time getting all the bottled up feelings and emotions out.  Especially the ones that dealt with my fear and even my disappointment with myself for having all this happen.

For my wife and me, we both know that I will probably die from heart disease way before she does.  Together we decided to live one day at a time, we decided she needed to be more involved in all the financial, insurance and technical matters that I had always handled.  We decided we needed to do  some of the things we had always dreamed about, even if that meant doing some of those things alone.  We are having fun again.  The important thing about all of this is that it isn't about me anymore, it's about us.

Keep the good attitude and keep pushing.

Pusher

[spoolins]

I have been recovering for about 8 months from a quad bypass.  I'm 50 years old female who had three heart attacks prior to surgery and long term diabetic.   I sympathize with your family member.  I too have huge mood/emotional mood swings.   I was also forced to go back to work at about 3 months which I was not prepared to do full time.   From the patients perspective, it seems like the world doesn't give you a break for a moment thus the frustration.

Just wanted to speak from the patient's point of view.

:)

[Sweetwaterguy]

   I am in full agreement with those who suggest your husband is dealing with depression.  I would also add something to anacyde's perceptive comments about depression being "not uncommon."  My language choice would be that depression is almost expected following the experiences of your husband.  One more thing:  Alcohol, as a drug, is a depressant and is likely making matters worse.  
   The advice of having your doctor talk with him about depression is rock solid.  If he is prescribed medication and takes them, it will take some time to notice if the meds are working.  

[zatoichi]

I had triple bypass surgery after a heart attack on Thanksgiving weekend. I am 56 and also a recovering alcoholic. I had 8 months sobriety prior to my surgery. Of course all my Doctors are aware of me and my involvement in AA. I can relate to the depression and anxiety and taking it out (mostly being short with her) on my wife. I have tried to rely on my group for support and through their input I got honest about my mental state and told the doctors. Now am on a sedative that I take once a day (only if I need it). People have been bragging about my outlook and say I look better to. As far as my depression went, I would have welcomed death and often wondered why I didn't die. Today I thank God for my family and those that helped me pray in spite of how I felt. I have just recently tried to start my heart rehab. I am undergoing some tests about dizziness. Also I have very low drive and energy. Mentally I am doing better. I take my meds as prescribed and pray everyday, Many people pray for me daily also. My prayers go out to those here suffering.

[Gin650]

I came across this website by accident.  It really helped me to know that others have gone through this.  You would not believe the hell I have gone through. This is a long story, so I appologize. My husband had a heart attack at 37, which was about 13 years ago.  Two years later he had to have  a 5-way bypass.  I was expecting recovery to be difficult, but I was completely unprepared for what happened.  My husband & I have been married for 30 years.  The first 20 were great.  He was very level headed  & we were best friends.  After the surgery, he was also very irritable, which was not like him.  He had never been cruel or abusive to me, but over the months he got worse & worse.  Like you say, he was not the same person.  I noticed it in his eyes right away, something was just different. When it first started, I called his Dr.  He said it was probably a little depression & subscribed some anti-depressants over the phone, which he wouldn't take.  Nothing else was ever done about it.  So as things got worse & worse, I went to see our GP.  I told him what was going on & asked if it was normal.  He said he'd never heard of anything like it, & gave me a prescription for Trazadone. He just acted like it was no big deal.  Over the months it got unbearable, & was starting to affect my health, physically & mentally.  I tried many different Avenues for help.  We went to a few counselors, but it always ended up turned around on me & they would blame it on anxiety, hormones, etc. & gave me pills to take.  No one would believe me.  His parents could see it, & were  supportive at first, but then they just wanted to stay out of it. Plus, he was very good at manipulating people, & can come across very charming & likeable. He was very good at making people believe it was me & not him, since he was calm & I was freaked out. Anyway, one night I decided to call a self-help line.  The lady said, "Hey, if it gets too bad, just go up to the emergency room, they deal with that kind of stuff all the time."  So, the next time, I talked him into going with me.  They seperated us, & talked to each of us. The nurse asked if he was abusive, & I said yes.  Evidentally, to save his own neck, he told them that I was popping pills & drinking.  The Dr. who saw me acted very annoyed.  They sent us to see a Psychiatrist the next day.  I thought, great now we'll get some help.  He also talked to us seperately. When he brought us back together, He said, "Mrs. _______, you're deeply depressed & I want you to go directly up to the mental hospital, or I will have the police escort you. "  When I protested, he said sarcastically, "Mrs. ______, you've just described Attila the Hun!" So, I was put into the mental ward for three days. I kept trying to tell everybody what had happened, but no one would believe me.  After 3 days, they had to let me out because they couldn't find anything really wrong, except that I was upset. By the time I went home, I was scared to death to go to anyone for help, & when things got bad, he would just threaten to have me locked up.  One night, we got into a fight & he accused me of being a drug addict & taking a bunch of pills, (which is just not me, I don't even like to take aspirin.)  So, stupidly, I said "let's go up to the hospital & I'll get a blood test."  So we went up & they did a test which came out completely clear, but even with that, they still didn't believe me.  They said that our stories were so contradictory, that they were going to put me back in the hospital.  Not once did anyone think of evaluating him. I went out into the hallway to try to find my husband, & they had an armed guard stop me.  This time they took me up in an ambulance, which was totally humiliating, & put me in involutarily, for 10 days. Anyway, the whole thing was such a nightmare that I still have'nt gotten over it, in 13 years.  I feel like my rights were so violated.  Over the years, things have gotten somewhat better, but it has been absolute hell, & I'm not the same person.  I tried to leave a couple of times, went to a halfway house, but that seemed even more depressing. I had no family in town,so I called my brothers & sister, &  asked if I could come out & stay with one of them, but my family believes in toughening up & handling things on your own, so they said no. The only help they would give me, was my brother offering to give me a car, that was halfway across they United States, & I would have to go get it & drive it home.  Like I was really in good enough shape to drive halfway across the country.  I basically had no support system at all, because over the months he bacame very anti-social, & wouldn't even keep phones on the hook. He would get furious if I even tried to take a walk.  He wouldn't let me keep windows open, or doors.   So eventually, friends just stopped calling.  And by then my confidence was so low, & I was so screwed up, I didn't feel like getting out to meet people on my own.  Before that, we had a very active social life. There's much more to the story, but I won't go into it.  He has since admitted that it was him, & not me, & actually flipped out in front of one of the couselors one time,  But still, after all that, no one decided he needed help.  Since then, I've looked up a lot of documentation on heart surgery & personality changes.  I can't believe , with all of the people we went to see, not one of them new anything about it.  I wish now, that I had sued them, but was scared to death to make waves.  Anyway, the statute of limitations was up by then.  I tried calling a couple of lawyers, & they didn't act like they believed me either.  I  grew up in the San Fransisco bay area, but moved to a small midwestern town when I got married.  Actually, our heart unit is considered one of the best in our region, which makes it incredible to me that they were so uneducated on the subject. Anyway, things are a little better now, off & on, but he still has a lot of problems with anger & can be abusive , & has episodes of rages, which last 2 or 3 days.  In between, things are pretty stable, & he has a good job.  I considered leaving many times, but that's hard to do after 30 years, plus I had always been a stay at home Mom, & wasn't financially prepared to support myself.  Besides I didn't have the confidence. We are in the middle of one of our fights right now.  He will pick a fight over anything, like me telling the dog to get down when she jumps on me.  I have to be very careful, not to ever act mad, or complain, or raise my voice.  If I start talking about a subject that is bothering me, he will explode. I was so totally opposite when I was younger, I had a lot of confidence & always stood up for myself, but over time that part of me is gone. I'm not anywhere near the person I was. Anyway, he will go into these rages, yell for a couple of hours, & get horribly verbally abusive.  I always just keep my mouth shut, because I know he's just trying to pull me in, so that he can say I'm just as bad as him.   So I don't say anything, until he's gotten so brutal that I start crying & get upset. Then He walks out, like he's the injured party, & goes to stay at a motel for a couple of days. He never acts like he's at fault, & never apologizes, he always turns it around so that it's my fault.
     Anyway, if things don't get better, I think I'm prepared to leave this time.  
     I'm sorry that this letter is so long.

[Gin650]

Oh my God, you've just told my story.  My husband was the sweetest, tenderest, sanest, most wonderful guy too.  He has turned into a monster, & my best friend is gone.  He also makes me feel like I'm in the way.  I can sympathize with you.  There's not much help out there.
    Hang in there

[jsttoomuch]

I felt so alone.  I'm glad I found your comments to read.  My husband of 15 years had double arterial bypass last November at age 34.  We are both 35 now.  We have a 3 year old daughter.  He's a different person after the surgery.  I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets angry so easily.  We haven't had sex since before the surgery and he says he has no interest whatsoever.  I'm so lonely and so afraid.  I, too, have lost my best friend.  You wouldn't believe the hurdles we've overcome to last this long and we were so happy.  We were looking at another attempt at in-vitro fertilization to have another baby and now I feel like he wishes I'd go away.  Our daughter is a daddy's girl and she always wants to be with him.  I'd die if I had to leave and couldn't take her with me.  I cry every time I'm alone and I try to occupy myself quietly so I don't stress him or make him mad.  I don't want to live this way. I'm so, so, so sad.

[fiftyscents]

I have been reading the stories in this thread and am weeping inside. I too had a triple BP and suffer from the after effects. The first couple years I had outbursts which I lashed out at my wife and children. I said horrid things which make my heart ache thinking about.
I am now going into my 9th yr post and things HAVE improved but I am a different man than before the surgery My ability to feel joy has been "damaged" and I constantly live with the fear not of death but of my death leaving my family in a bad place. This fear I discovered with the help of a supportive angel for a wife was causing me to draw back from those I loved lest I die and let them down. This realization was a great help in the ongoing life work of reclaiming my lost self. I realize that  I was literally dead a couple times before the surgery and during it also and it has affected me at the deepest levels.I still have "outbursts" but have become much more aware of their effect on my loved ones and am quick to apologize and regain my composure, something learned in the hurt faces of my loved ones.
In my opinion that this is so common yet ignored by medicine, save to further medicate the patient,it is if not malpractice it is no doubt poor practice.
Again as a "pumphead" my heart goes out to all who must deal with our lowered quality of life due to the procedure which is supposed to give us more to live and live for.I am glad to be alive but I cannot help but miss the much happier man I once was.
Jim

[heartbroken577]

I can'nt beleive what I am reading. My husband had quadrupal bypass surgery five years ago. Our lives have never been the same since. He has lost so much of his memory, mainly of our of our lives , and of the kids growing up.. He does'tn even remember the day our youngest daughter was born. We have been married for 32 years. It is so bad now. I just dont know this person anymore. He says he doesnt know what he wants. I guess our marriage is over, I am devistated and cant believe this wonderful man that I have lived with since Im 29 years old wants to throw me and all he has worked for his whole life under the bus.  He has already cheated, and claims thta over. As far as me, he just don't know how he feels. He caims he does'nt know what he wants. He just comes and goes, doing what ever it is he does. When he is home he is either sleeping or watching TV. He hardly talks to me at all, I dont know how much more I can take, this has been going on for a year now. Please, does anyone have any suggestions. If I go to his doctor, I know he would flip out. Please Help!

[johnnik]

I found this website by surfing the net.I had 4 heart attacks and emergency quad.bipass surgery.In recovery I married the love of my life.and moved to Texas on little $$ and a dream.In 2 short months , I am looking at divorce and the loss of all things worthwhile.There was a comment on this site that one of us seemed to have lost his sense of joy.I am also a recovering alcoholic w/ 7 years sober.When I try to discus or explain what I think or feel I get 2 reactions usually...Quit feeling sorry for yourself, or they get angry at me for feeling that way.I know deep down that there is something wrong.And I can't put my finger on it.I am sad mostly and I lash out to the people I love.And I don't know why..Which in urn akes me more angry or sad.I don't have much money and the job I do is physically taxing.There is a part of me that wants me to die.I love my wife with all my heart...I start therapy this week.The joy of living today seems to be forshadowed with  all the things I thought 5 mins. before my surgery w/a 50% chance of success or failure...haunt me.I feel guilty for living.Angry for surviving.Heartbroken...because my heart....well it's my heart!...Nobody wants a broken heart.....And now my problem is I have one already...and another probably on the way with the loss of my wife.I wished and wanted all these heart issues to just go away.Instead...everything I love with all my heart is going away.Except this broken heart.And nobody it seems wants to hear about it.Especially me.

[Diane650]

My husband had a 4 bypass over 6 years ago.  Afterwards, he became distant, irritable, lost joy in life, forgot how to laugh, did not make eye contact, and the worst, had rages on a daily basis over practically nothing. Plus, everything was my fault, no matter what. His cognitive ability fell, having difficulty following movies, and forgetting a lot. He began to tell lies, misrepresent reality, and generally find something to complain about on a daily basis. His only love became food, much of which he wasn't supposed to eat, and he gained much too much weight. I eat nutritiously, he wasn't interested.  He became the most miserable person I had ever known. He lost all of the sweetness he had before the bypass. He doesn't believe in therapy, so he wouldn't seek any help. He said he feels just fine. Needless to say, my generally cheery nature became sad or scared around him, so I began to avoid him. He also became sloppy in his looks and hygiene, and began to present like a much much older man. What a nightmare. Now he wants to divorce me because he believes that will make him happy. Good luck. I am hurt and I am relieved, since I believed that it would be wrong to divorce him, to abandon him, and I loved him. I kept thinking that somehow it would get better. It didn't. We've been together for 17 years.  All I can say is in the end, we all must take responsibility for our actions, and having a bypass operation is ultimately not a license to be abusive to others and not do what is necessary. We are not your doormats. We have feelings too. Get a grip. You got a second chance at life.  Why blow it?

[Diane650]

My husband had a 4 bypass over 6 years ago.  Afterwards, he became distant, irritable, lost joy in life, forgot how to laugh, did not make eye contact, and the worst, had rages on a daily basis over practically nothing. Plus, everything was my fault, no matter what. His cognitive ability fell, having difficulty following movies, and forgetting a lot. He began to tell lies, misrepresent reality, and generally find something to complain about on a daily basis. His only love became food, much of which he wasn't supposed to eat, and he gained much too much weight. I eat nutritiously, he wasn't interested.  He became the most miserable person I had ever known. He lost all of the sweetness he had before the bypass. He doesn't believe in therapy, so he wouldn't seek any help. He said he feels just fine. Needless to say, my generally cheery nature became sad or scared around him, so I began to avoid him. He also became sloppy in his looks and hygiene, and began to present like a much much older man. What a nightmare. Now he wants to divorce me because he believes that will make him happy. Good luck. I am hurt and I am relieved, since I believed that it would be wrong to divorce him, to abandon him, and I loved him. I kept thinking that somehow it would get better. It didn't. We've been together for 17 years.  All I can say is in the end, we all must take responsibility for our actions, and having a bypass operation is ultimately not a license to be abusive to others and not do what is necessary. We are not your doormats. We have feelings too. Get a grip. You got a second chance at life.  Why blow it?

[Lutheran122]

What a thread , this thread has me feeling horrible. I just feel terrible for all you wives that are now kind of stuck in bad marriages. These men are depressed no doubt but that doesn't give them the right to treat their spouses like ****. You are there helping them out and in return you get crapped on and treated like you caused the heart attack. Remember you only get one life then your done forever. If the man in your life has changed so severely since having surgery that he is not the same guy anymore you must demand marriage counseling and if he doesn't comply then it's time for you to move on with your life.

Heck I have heart disease and sometimes I am bitter about it but I blame no one else for my own issues and if one day I need a bypass I will reluctantly have it done but still I won't blame others. If I made it out of that hospital alive and able to continue living I would be happy as hell that I may have gotten a 2nd chance at life and to see my loved ones. I know its easy to say now and if by chance I did get mentally affected I would take the Zoloft or whatever I needed to do to feel more like myself. Good luck to all of you and your significant others.

[Lifeafterbypass]

I am 38 years old.  At 35 I had my first stroke, second stroke, and first heart attack.  In the years that followed I have had over 14 heart caths, 4 stents placed, and quadruple bypass in 2008.   I am also a type II diabetic, but I am resistant to meds, so I am on a pump.  My surgery was almost a year ago, and after my surgery I felt I was fine.  My Doctor even asked me at my first check up if I had had my 'blue day'--not having had it I didn't know what she was talking about.  Well, I think I am having not just my 'blue day' but my 'blue months'.  I am a single mom, so I have no stories of how I took it out on my spouse.  I can say that i myself noticed a difference in me.  I feel like the person that went to s;eep on that operating table never woke up again.  I feel I'm different, but can't figure out exactly how.  I am by no means excusing any of the behavior of these fellow bypassers...but I have actually had to ask my friends to tell me when I go into (what we lovingly call) bypass mode.  Sometimes I am not aware of when I'm not acting 'normal'.  

To Diane650---we have gotten a second chance, and although I really can't speak for everyone who has had bypass, I can say for me it has nothing to do with blowing it-on purpose that is.  I still don't know the person I have become--she seems so different and there are times that I don't know how to handle it.  You are not doormats--I 100% totally agree--I am just trying to give the side of the bypasser since most of these I have read seem to be in denial that they have changed in any way (except you, pusher!)

I guess I said all of this to say that....maybe they aren't aware of what's going on (at least I hope not!!), and just how much their behavior is hurting others.  I pray that communication is opened up, and maybe their can be a 'code' to make them (the bypasser) see what they're doing.

[itdood]

Story from the other side of the fence.

I just recently dealt with depression not due to bypass but to arrhythmia problems.  For about 9 months my wife was telling me I was too irritable.  We'd blame stress, and I would tell her she's creating more stress for me by bringing it up.  She also expressed concern about "walking on egg shells" around me.

My Doc and I finally took some steps.  Mind you, I did not feel depressed but everyone close to me was telling me I was.  I didn't believe them.

I went on an SSRI and on the 3rd week people at work were telling me I seemed happier and a lot less irritable.  My wife says I'm back to the guy she remembers before the heart issues.  I really didn't know.

Now that some of this fog has lifted, I realize just how much of a red flag her comment was about the egg shells.  Wow, that's not good at all.

The SSRI helped a lot, and made me realize just how depressed I was.  I love not having that irritability and being mean to my kids anymore.  That's not the dad I want them to remember.

SSRIs aren't everyone though.  I still have some long term concerns about this approach, I will cross that bridge when I get there...