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188500 tn?1207364951

4th shot today and....

I feel like absolute cr@p. I dont have a fever...never have, but I feel so unbelievably emotional, my family is really getting the brunt of it.

Whatever I have kept locked inside, is now finding it's way out. I have been raging at my husband over money, the way he speaks to me or if I even hear a little edge to his voice, Im crying or Im raging.

I cant watch my beloved animal shows...I cry uncontrolably---like sobbing, which again...Ive NEVER done in my life!

NOw this brings me to AD's--- Ive never found one that doesnt make me feel horrible, so I chose not to take them and ride this out. I cant imagine it getting any worse. I just hope I dont get divorced in the process. I remember Steven Tyler from Aerosmith got divorced after his tx. Im sure a lot of resentments built up and tx just made everything so much worse.

Im having a really bad day.

*sigh*

Julia
24 Responses
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Avatar universal
sorry you are having these problems. i have been married for 32 years at tx and felt my wife did not understand why i just sat on the couch for 45 weeks and ignored her. she is great but THEY do not understand that it is not them but the drugs. i wished for more sympathy but did not any get except from here. it will be over some day and you can move on. goood luck,
Helpful - 0
203136 tn?1200102768
I rent videos, 'cause I barely have the enegry to do much else except traspe the 100 feet to the mail box. My house looks like a 15 year old live here ... what a mess ;)

I recommend "Cheers" and "Frasier" ... of course  your tastes may vary.Trying to think of other shows that used to really get a chuckle out of me ...

BTW, tried 3 different ADs and they all suck ... valium helps but getting it is harder for a guy  than a gal to get for some weird reason (proven fact). What am I, a drug addict  ... naw that was 35 years ago.


moondog52 in the Sonoran desert.
Helpful - 0
163305 tn?1333668571
  It took a while for me to learn that the low feelings were directly related to lower blood counts. Somehow, you need to remind your self of this.    As wonderful and committed as my husband is, my tx was hard on him. Only the people here and my friend with AIDS could truly empathize with how I felt and behaved. Do what you have to remind yourself that, this too will pass. It will. everyday, every week is different. Some better, some worse. I did it with ADs though I did get a script for medicinal mj.
   I hear you yearning for your old self. I was always sobbing, " I miss me!!!" Now, I've finished tx and I am sooo, happy to be back. What helped me was a little book of meditations I kept by my bed. They were short, sweet altruistic verses. They never ceased to take my mind away from myself and into broader thoughts. I read books by the Dalai Lama. I made an effort to surround myself with serenity and beauty.  I still sobbed and was a mess but I do think what I did helped, some of the time.
    Good luck sweetie,   Hugs from the northern coastal mountains,                           OH
Helpful - 0
86075 tn?1238115091
sometimes while being a goofball maybe I can come off a little flip, hope I didn't, just trying to inject a little levity into the situation, and maybe a little perspective...here in LA, you learn early on that show biz is very hard on relationships in and of itself, a 10 year marriage is a golden anniversary in these parts (mostly kidding, I know many that stay married for a long time too) just hope you can feel better soon, while the meds have time to acclimate....
Helpful - 0
86075 tn?1238115091
don't have time to read this entire thread, so I maybe just echoing some others...I don't get along with anti-D's as well, oddly, I'm just trying "yet" another one out right now...I try and try and try, switching, whatever...but I have been told by some patients and experts, that perhaps I don't need them pre-tx cause my levels of dopamine, etc etc aren't low, and that perhaps AFTER I start tx that then is when they WILL agree with me...now I got my psychiatrist license from Rite-Aid, so you needn't take this to the bank, but I'm just relating what I've been told and it kinda makes sense....talk with a psychiatrist about it? This is their field after all...one who is familiar with hep c and it's treatment, hope you feel better soon....

and P.S.   Sorry if I offend anybody, but I've been a little in and out of that business, and I think Rock Stars have just a little better longevity in their marriages then , say, German Shepard's????, ha ha ha! Just kidding Rock Stars! I just wouldn't bet the farm on showbiz marriages, that's all, though many of them do have solid relationships....
Helpful - 0
150807 tn?1194955315
If ya do the treatments and it gets so bad you have to stop do all the side effects go away?????
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sorry to see you all struggling- I hope it gets easier and that you achieve SVR. Then it'll all be worth it, even if it still sux! I'll most likely be joining you in a few months- you're all an inspiration for me.
Prayers,
Dee
Helpful - 0
188500 tn?1207364951
Im reading all your posts this morning and Im crying??!! WTH?? You are all so right about everything!! Steven Tylers wife left him for her trainer probably b/c Steven was acting like a complete A-hole during tx and she needed comfort. Can't you just see it!!??!!

Nobody can understand what we go thru untill you go thru it. You can read till youre blue in the face and youll never get it. It's a brain chemistry thing. Like the worst PMS Ive ever had in my life, but it sticks around...lingers.

NYgirl, as much as I'd like to take the edge off of this, I cant go thru the process of the first month on AD's. On top of the tx, I think might lose my mind. I give you a lot of credit getting thru it and Im sure it helped a lot. 72 weeks OY!

You are such an insightful group. I think once youve gone thru something like this, you have such an appreciation for life and our old selves---w/all its flaws. Oh, how I yearn for my old self LOL
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
TRX SUXs!! no doubt..meki touched all the right buttons,with her usual charm&empathy...i bought myself a big leather couch and devoted considerable time &attention to netflix......find your OWN comfort zone and indulge yourslf...All that matters is kicking virus butt and YOU are a Dragonslaying Hero,so chose yr battlefield for maximum comfort and security..GOODLUCK.......
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi-am 3 months post treatment now-it does get better-slowly!
I wanted to kill the washing machine repair man,the benefits agencies(machine gun was the preferred weapon)-well just about everyone who handed out any stress no matter how minor.
My beloved partner created a spare living room in the garage so that he could escape my rantings!
I have become quite people phobic-can't trust myself to open my mouth-am still confused but not as bad as before.A little better every day-makes a great change from a little worse.
Music helped me through the bad times when my vision had gone and I could no longer read/watch tv/get on computer.Eyesight has fully recovered now.Positive Mental Attitude-You CAN do it! It's just the drugs-keep telling yourself that and you'll get there-I went for a few diazepam-just 5mg per day to help me thru-didn't fancy more wierd drugs in my system-i.e.anti d's.
It's not just the stigma that isolates you it's the treatment side effects.I will shut up now! Best of luck with everything x
Helpful - 0
179856 tn?1333547362
Steven Tyler got divorced because Teresa fell in love with her personal trainner.

Nothing to do with treatment I don't think.

We've all had the same riba rage during treatment - the hyper emotional stuff is crazy!  Have you talked to the doctor about putting you on Paxill or something like that? It made me feel HORRIBLE at first but after the first month of wanting to sleep all the time it REALLY REALLY helped and I was very glad I put myself through it.

My doctor advised me to go on it a month before starting and it REALLY helped.  Of course, I still go tthe riba rage (that too in time fades away as your body gets used to it) but the Paxill can help make everything seem WAY less the trauma than your brain is making it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I love your post- you really have a way with words and great perspective on life. Thank you for sharing it!
Best wishes & prayers,
Dee
Helpful - 0
217229 tn?1192762404
sf xanax helps a little for that edge - if you're already using it - get something else to back you up.

Think Lorazepam (ativan or valium) and think that you can get through it no matter what.

It's all about mental attitude. And being aware of what is happening, that's the hardest part... Catching yourself. Because impulsivity isn't helped at all. LOL! But don't freak out - - just analyze, figure out the problem - find ways around the problem.

(For example --- Hallmark commercials make you cry ---- so turn off the volume - go to the bathroom during commercials... Or... Certain songs make you mad when you're driving - so turn off the radio or change stations... Or get a CD.... Nothing tastes good... Great... So imagine it's dog pooh --- take a bite --- and dang --- doesn't it taste ok afterall?) Things like that.

Stay on top of yourself.
(Now that's a mental image... LMAO!)

Meki
Helpful - 0
29837 tn?1414534648
Sorry darling. I know how brutal it can be. I did it 4 times. The last one literally nearly did me in. But that’s a whole different story that has nothing to do with your current treatment. If at all possible, avoid confrontation. Keep your mind occupied. It worked for me. I never took any medication for my rage. I learned to deal with it by staying away from stupid people, like pushy Best Buy employees and such, and by buying things I liked and wanted, things I was doing without. Treat yourself.

I think mentally you have to try not to think you're doing treatment. I know it sounds easy, but just think of it as something you have to do at the moment. I say that because it's not forever. In my opinion, it's much better for your body and mind to try and get used to the treatment as opposed to loading your body with yet more drugs.

May you acclimate and have a better trip soon. I know I had several brutal starts and then the treatment’s effects weren’t as bad, and eventually tolerable. Always remember this is for an extremely important purpose, and try to convince those around you as well.

Good luck to you and keep fighting. This is all we have for now until something better comes along. Let me put it this way, the treatment is a lot better than the consequences...

Magnum
Helpful - 0
188500 tn?1207364951
Meki, what a gift you are. Thank you for making me feel so much better. I've been hanging on to your every word tonight.

Julia
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
ativan- generic lorazopam- takes a little longer to mellow you out than xanax but last a whole lot longer, will help you sleep, does not have to be taken everyday, will lower your nerves, and help your mind to stop racing,,,took it clear through the 48 weeks of tx.....
Helpful - 0
217229 tn?1192762404
LOL! You better be.

But if your not - don't give up - ok? Those are mostly CLINICAL TRIAL standards - and each person reacts differently.

Interferon isn't necessarily the only thing that makes one feel that way. Sometimes it just opens up the gates to the things that we kept in check -- those emotions...

It's a hormonal thing... So things that we store away in our brains -- past transgressions, regrets, angry moments seem to get stirred up like a hornet's nest.

Keep telling yourself - This too shall pass... That was in the past... Move on..

And a lot of times, we're angry with ourselves. How did we get this disease? Are we a burden on others? How come other people can't read our minds and know that we don't have the energy to pick up the stuff on the floor or couch that they just dropped off --- things that we would normally be capable of... How come they didn't do the darn dishes --- I did them for years... How come they can't understand how I feel so bad? Why can't they be quiet? Why don't they baby me like I babied all of them when they were sick? How come they haven't tried to understand my disease?

All of those questions and more are what are causing your anger.. And normally you probably squash them... With the TX --- making your hormones quiver like jelly and your brain synapses firing in rapid disorder ---- those things come to the front of your mind. And you have no defenses to fight them and stop them from happening.

So go easy on yourself and remember ---- this won't be a lifetime --- it just feels like it is.

And now that you're on the yellow brick road --- just keep following it --- and stay out of the snowy sleepy areas.

Hugs!

Meki
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
does xanax really helpfor treatment,cause i take that now? hopefully it willbe inmy system prior to tx..
Helpful - 0
188500 tn?1207364951
Thanks everyone. These drugs are knocking me on my a$$.

Meki, I am so greatful for all your love and support. You always hit the nail on the head for me. I take xanax everyday to take the edge off this wired feeling, but not untill the evening. I feel much better since I've taken it.

I swear, all the resentments that I've stored in my brain over the yrs are all coming out now. All the bad deals he's made. All the big purchases he made EVERYTHING is bothering me.

I always wondered what tx was like. I drove everyone NUTS here worring about starting.....not knowing what to expect----WELL now I know and it really SUX!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like Im going thru menapause and PMS at the same time. I cant IMAGINE what men go thru. OMG.

I will watch comedies, I'll spend time with girlfriends...anything to get back to the old happy me.

OMG where did she go?? BUT, I am killing the virus and nex friday I better be UND and it will all be WORTH IT.

Julia
Helpful - 0
217229 tn?1192762404
Try one of these:

Xanax (fast acting)

or

Lorazepam - (valium type)

I have had experience with both -- and they both helped tremendously.

Also --- Yeah --- Stay away from anything that might be "sad" or "upsetting"  ---- GET COMEDIES... STOCK UP ON STUPID COMEDIES... Think Police Academy --- think Earth Girls are Easy --- Think Dumb stupid comedies --- that you would have never watched before...

And get engrossed in them --- the acting --- the actors --- the silly jokes...

Watch things that you would have never watched before --- laugh at stupid things...

Go to the beach or a park --- and just sit under a tree or on a sand dune...

Find yourself some space --- and STOP TRYING TO BE A SUPERWOMAN.

This stuff knocks you on your butt... I mean --- KAPOW!

And not only that --- it really freaks out your internal wiring -- hormones and thinking process.

Chill --- however you chill best.. Garden --- make yourself iced mochas --- or sip a tea...

Tell everyone that you need "ALONE" time... Explain to them the processes that you will be going through.

Let them know that about 6 months after treatment you will be slowly returning to normal --- but that you did this chemotherapy for them... Because you love them...

Tell them to get a big red button  --- even if they have to paint it --- and when you start freaking out ---- tell them to go push it ---- and that button needs to say "THE MEDS ARE MAKING ME DO THIS"!!

Keep chanting to yourself --- "It's the chemo - it's the meds - they are making me this way --- life will change soon - hang on for the ride... just get through this moment!"

Keep a journal ---- online or in a notebook - chronicle how your feeling...

But most of all --- relax --- this is going to be the big suckaroo of all time --- but YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT...

Find alternative means to keep you busy -- find things to do that keep you interested - hyper focus on those -- IGNORE everything else.

This time is about "YOU" --- and no one else.

They can't walk in your shoes ---- you'll have to show them what it's all about - you'll have to tell them --- give them pamphlets - give them forums --- show them... Because they can't see it from your perspective ----- only you can.

But you can inform them --- and they can become more supportive.

Super Hugs --- and we ALL have had bad days/weeks/months on this stuff.


BUT YOU ARE KILLING THE THING THAT IS KILLING YOU!
REMEMBER THAT!

Meki
Helpful - 0
186606 tn?1263510190
prozac. plus i have a bottle of xanax around for the occasional "moment"....i seem to be doing all right except the prozac makes me want to eat a lot. i take it at night and even if i'm not hungry all day....well, there it is...what can I eat now?

deb
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i was prescribed gabapentin during tx and it really helped with the riba rage.
Helpful - 0
188500 tn?1207364951
If youre on AD's, then you should be ok. I hate the way they make me feel so Ive never been successful at taking them.

It feels like REALLY BAD PMS. That's the best way to describe it....at least it is for me.

Julia
Helpful - 0
150807 tn?1194955315
I'm so sorry you feel so bad, i hope you feel better soon. Soon as my drug store calls and says everythings in i'll have my first shot this week. I'm going to try this for a few weeks the doctor said if it gets to bad with my bipolar he will just stop treatments.
Helpful - 0
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