Aa
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum...
Since weekends are typically slow, i figured it would be a good day for this. I hope I don't step on anybody's toes too hard. Serious questions.. feel free to post, of course, or skip,... if too painful to laugh...
In dealing, almost daily, with the achy, bone squeezing, shoulder slumping feeling, I have found our silly exchanges and subsequent laughter, to be the best pain & ad medicine. It either works better and is longer lasting or it compliments the pain meds beautifully!
Anyone, upon noticing the forum needs a hoot, could start this thread. That way those in need of a lift could go directly to the thread knowing laughter is waiting. The comedy can be tx, hcv or life related; i.e. like when someone in tx drops the white tampon thingy in the toilet and bawls her eyeballs out over it....;-).
This is your chance at stand up, here is mine:
A co-worker recently watching a popular half time show with her family, that includes an 11 yr old son, was enjoying Janet Jackson's performance.
After watching for a while, her son voiced a "profound" discovery...: "Hey Mom!...she looks like Michael Jackson...except she is BLACK!
Ok, someone has a better one?
In dealing, almost daily, with the achy, bone squeezing, shoulder slumping feeling, I have found our silly exchanges and subsequent laughter, to be the best pain & ad medicine. It either works better and is longer lasting or it compliments the pain meds beautifully!
Anyone, upon noticing the forum needs a hoot, could start this thread. That way those in need of a lift could go directly to the thread knowing laughter is waiting. The comedy can be tx, hcv or life related; i.e. like when someone in tx drops the white tampon thingy in the toilet and bawls her eyeballs out over it....;-).
This is your chance at stand up, here is mine:
A co-worker recently watching a popular half time show with her family, that includes an 11 yr old son, was enjoying Janet Jackson's performance.
After watching for a while, her son voiced a "profound" discovery...: "Hey Mom!...she looks like Michael Jackson...except she is BLACK!
Ok, someone has a better one?
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
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A guy walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" The redneck answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure if I have to roll my own, she can too!"
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" The redneck answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure if I have to roll my own, she can too!"
Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven,
they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
banished her from Heaven.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her from
Heaven too.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,
"So,
tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with
His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested
Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then
they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now,
every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he
sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." St. Peter fainted
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven,
they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
banished her from Heaven.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her from
Heaven too.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,
"So,
tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with
His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested
Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then
they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now,
every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he
sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." St. Peter fainted
Some goodies:
Q:what is a mixed feeling?
A:when you see your mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q:what's the height of conceit?
A;having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q:what's a definition of macho?
A:jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q:what's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A:a guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q:if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?
A:the swallow
Q:How do you find a blind man in nudist colony?
A:it's not hard
Q:what is a mixed feeling?
A:when you see your mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q:what's the height of conceit?
A;having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q:what's a definition of macho?
A:jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q:what's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A:a guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q:if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?
A:the swallow
Q:How do you find a blind man in nudist colony?
A:it's not hard
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K.
The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"
The stranger says "No. Who are you?"
The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!"
They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"
The stranger says "No. Who are you?"
The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!"
They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
ONE LINER'S:
(1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
(11) I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
(12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(13) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(14) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
(15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(16) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
(17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
(18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(19) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(20) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
(21) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
(22) Procrastinate Now!
(23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
(24) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
(25) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
(26) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
(27) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
(28) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
(29) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
(30) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
(31) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
(32) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(33) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
(34) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson
(author unknown)
NOT Tosser or Indy this time!
;o)
(1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
(11) I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
(12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(13) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(14) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
(15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(16) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
(17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
(18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(19) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(20) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
(21) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
(22) Procrastinate Now!
(23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
(24) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
(25) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
(26) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
(27) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
(28) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
(29) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
(30) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
(31) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
(32) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(33) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
(34) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson
(author unknown)
NOT Tosser or Indy this time!
;o)
Medical records blunders, from actual charts:
-By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better
-On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely dissappeared.
-I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
-Discharge status: alive without permission
-Healthy appearing decrepit 69 yr old male, mentally alert but forgetful
-the patient refused an autopsy
-the patient has no past history of suicides
-the patient expired on the floor uneventfully
-patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
-rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
-the patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
-she stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989, when she got a divorce
-the patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed
-the lab test indicated abnormal lover function
-exam of the genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
-the patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is enrolled in day care three times a week
-she is numb from her toes down
scary, ain't it?
-By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better
-On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely dissappeared.
-I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
-Discharge status: alive without permission
-Healthy appearing decrepit 69 yr old male, mentally alert but forgetful
-the patient refused an autopsy
-the patient has no past history of suicides
-the patient expired on the floor uneventfully
-patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
-rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
-the patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
-she stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989, when she got a divorce
-the patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed
-the lab test indicated abnormal lover function
-exam of the genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
-the patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is enrolled in day care three times a week
-she is numb from her toes down
scary, ain't it?
(True story and a copy of the letter from a father to his daughter.)
Hey Kid,
Your grandma's drivers license expired last month on her
birthday, so
she has been driving on an expired license. I told her that
she needs
to stop running from the "law", and turn herself in. Once she
is behind
bars, (where she belongs), she will get free dental care, a
hearing aid
and free prescription drugs, and that's just for starters. She
can even
get a free college education. Well, I've just about convince
her it's
the right thing to do. Prison is a pretty sweet deal for
seniors, don't
you think? Love, Paw
Hey Kid,
Your grandma's drivers license expired last month on her
birthday, so
she has been driving on an expired license. I told her that
she needs
to stop running from the "law", and turn herself in. Once she
is behind
bars, (where she belongs), she will get free dental care, a
hearing aid
and free prescription drugs, and that's just for starters. She
can even
get a free college education. Well, I've just about convince
her it's
the right thing to do. Prison is a pretty sweet deal for
seniors, don't
you think? Love, Paw
A woman was waiting for her flight home at an airport in India after a business trip. She had a few rupees left and thought she would spend them on something inexpensive in the gift shop. She saw a tiny wallet and asked the price. The salesman said it was $250 US dollars. When she protested that was a ridiculously high price for a small wallet, he whispered to her that it was made from elephant skin. She said it was still way too expensive. He then whispered that it was, in fact, made from the penis of the elephant. "So what?" she said. "Well, madam" he answered, " all you have to do is rub it and it turns into a full size suitcase"
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."
"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?" "Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.
While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?" "Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher." "A what?" asked the collector."A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance."What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked."Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle."Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked."Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?""...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet.""SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot *******?"Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."
"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?" "Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.
While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?" "Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher." "A what?" asked the collector."A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance."What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked."Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle."Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked."Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?""...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet.""SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot *******?"Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde on tx.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde on tx began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde on tx.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde on tx began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".
Who should be in charge????
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal"
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
A$$holes are usually in charge whether we think it's a good idea or not.
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal"
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
A$$holes are usually in charge whether we think it's a good idea or not.
The little old lady and her pet duck
Early one morning, a little old lady went to feed her pet duck as she did every day, when she noticed it was very motionless as if it were still sleeping. She knew this was not normal as her pet always met her anxiously at the door.
As she realized there might be a problem, she rushed to get ready to take the duck to the closest veterinarian's office. She hurried into the office holding the still bird carefully in both hands and calling out to the doctor to please help her.
The vet and his assistant quickly entered and proceeded to ask her what the problem was. She announced in a panic that she feared there was something terribly wrong with her pet duck.
The doctor turned to his assistant and quickly ordered the first test as the bird was rested on the examination table. The assistant rushed in with a very large Labrador Retriever and calmly walked the Lab all the way around the exam table with no response from either the dog or the duck.
The doctor commented, " I'm afraid this is not a very good sign", as he then ordered another test for the ailing bird. The assistant then rentered the exam room holding a very large cat and proceeded to wave the cat over the duck several times, again without a sign of movement from the bird or any reaction out of the cat.
The doctor then turned to the little old lady and said, "I am so sorry to have to break this news to you, but your pet duck has expired". While the lady tried to compose herself she asked the doctor what she needed to do.
He replied he would take care of the service but that he must also inform her that there was a fee due at this time. She politely said, Well...how much do I owe you?
$500.00, the doctor replied.
The lady then said, "$500.00 !!!...to bury my pet duck?"
"No!" said the doctor...
"The fee is for the Lab test and the Cat scan."
(Tosser) ;o)
Early one morning, a little old lady went to feed her pet duck as she did every day, when she noticed it was very motionless as if it were still sleeping. She knew this was not normal as her pet always met her anxiously at the door.
As she realized there might be a problem, she rushed to get ready to take the duck to the closest veterinarian's office. She hurried into the office holding the still bird carefully in both hands and calling out to the doctor to please help her.
The vet and his assistant quickly entered and proceeded to ask her what the problem was. She announced in a panic that she feared there was something terribly wrong with her pet duck.
The doctor turned to his assistant and quickly ordered the first test as the bird was rested on the examination table. The assistant rushed in with a very large Labrador Retriever and calmly walked the Lab all the way around the exam table with no response from either the dog or the duck.
The doctor commented, " I'm afraid this is not a very good sign", as he then ordered another test for the ailing bird. The assistant then rentered the exam room holding a very large cat and proceeded to wave the cat over the duck several times, again without a sign of movement from the bird or any reaction out of the cat.
The doctor then turned to the little old lady and said, "I am so sorry to have to break this news to you, but your pet duck has expired". While the lady tried to compose herself she asked the doctor what she needed to do.
He replied he would take care of the service but that he must also inform her that there was a fee due at this time. She politely said, Well...how much do I owe you?
$500.00, the doctor replied.
The lady then said, "$500.00 !!!...to bury my pet duck?"
"No!" said the doctor...
"The fee is for the Lab test and the Cat scan."
(Tosser) ;o)
George Carlin
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
LMAO on that ass's story, so glad I was not at work!
My last one today:
20 ways to say your fly is open:
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
My last one today:
20 ways to say your fly is open:
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens, and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied" I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you'll ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on youu to do your stuff". And without another word he walked into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.
But Randy didn't stop there, he went into the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop Randy, you'll kill yourself!".
But Randy continued, seeking each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on the lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
==========================================================
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on youu to do your stuff". And without another word he walked into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.
But Randy didn't stop there, he went into the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop Randy, you'll kill yourself!".
But Randy continued, seeking each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on the lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
==========================================================
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
This white guy is having sex with a Japanese woman. During sex, whenever he would hit a certain spot, she would scream out "YOSHI DOSHI, YOSHI DOSHI!"
The white guy interprets this as meaning "VERY GOOD". So the next day the white guy is out playing golf. There are some Japanese men also playing and one of them gets a hole in one. The white guy wants to pay a compliment to the Japanese man in his language so he claps his hands and says "YOSHI DOSHI!"
The Japanese man, annoyed, yells at the white guy, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"e'?"
The white guy interprets this as meaning "VERY GOOD". So the next day the white guy is out playing golf. There are some Japanese men also playing and one of them gets a hole in one. The white guy wants to pay a compliment to the Japanese man in his language so he claps his hands and says "YOSHI DOSHI!"
The Japanese man, annoyed, yells at the white guy, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"e'?"
Hey Everyone....Ok Befuddled I worked my A$% off today planting a tropical garden. I blessed the whole thing in the name of my wonderful, sweet , caring Heppers! Did Ya'll plant your tree today? Huh Huh well did ya? Ok your tired maybe tomorrow and those in the north maybe in 2 months but no longer. I am having a stone carved in it for you all. Wish I could post a pic, you'd love it! HAPPY SPRING!!!!
A priest was trying to raise money for his parish and being told there was good money to be had in horse racing he decided to buy a race horse and run it in local races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so high that the priest settled on a donkey instead. The priest figured that since he had purchased the donkey he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did very well and came in third place. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PRIEST SHOWS ASS. The priest was so pleased that he decided to enter the donkey the following week and this time the donkey won first place. The headline said: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so outraged with this publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a local convent. The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. When he came around he ordered the nun to dispose of the donkey immediately. The nun searched and finally found a farmer to take the donkey for ten dollars. The headlines read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS. They buried the bishop the next day.
A man was walking in the park, beautiful, sunny day, when he saw an old gentleman sitting on a bench crying his eyes out. The younger man asked what was wrong. The old man said "I won 15 million in the lottery, bought a fabulous mansion, married a blonde super-model, and just picked up some Viagra." Baffled, the younger man said,"Then what in the world could you possibly be crying for?" The old man looked up, still crying, and said,"I can't remember where I live!"
Good one.
I thought this one could fit hcv:
"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."
Memorable Quotes by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
I thought this one could fit hcv:
"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."
Memorable Quotes by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
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