Been Gone Chickening out of treatment

Hi All,
I haven't been on in a long time. I had my biopsy and it went smooth.  Find out the results tomorrow.  They wouldn't tell me over the phone.  The PA would confirm that I don't have chirossis.  Anyway, I've been a freak case since day one of being diagnosed and playing this stupid waiting game.  When the PA called me it was to discuss putting me in a stuyd for the VX-950? good stuff that's out. I didn't quailify because my enzymes have only been slightly elevated once.  Anyway, I begged her to give me my results, and she said Duke has a policy of not giving them over the phone.  I told her that I was preparing to quit my job and I needed to know how bad of shape my liver was in.  She said, I can tell you this, you don't have chirossis, and you have plenty of time for a career change.  What's that suppose to mean...am I a 1, 2, 3?  Guess I'll find out tomorrow.  Anyway, I did quit my job, and I have had the worse panic attacks since.  I finally had to call the doctor and get put on Ativan along with my AD.  Maybe the AD is contributing to the panic. I have no clue. Thanks for listening to my rambling. Oh..to top it off, my dad got diagnosed with inoperable prostate cancer.

[friole]

Good luck tomorrow.  And I am so very sorry about your dad.  Enjoy your precious time.
kathy

[doglover28]

Thank you. My brother, sister and I are going to visit my dad. He lives in Indiana.  
The panic attacks that I had for four days made me realize I would have a hard time treating if treatment makes me feel anything like the panic attacks.

[merlino]

Hi, I have been wondering how you were. So sorry to hear about you Dad. I has anxiety attacks many years ago and I know how horrible they can be. I am still tx in Oct. I know how frustrating it is waiting for results from all these different tests we have to go through. Hope things get better and I will say a prayer for your Dad.

[chellski]

so sorry about your dad.  i think all of us who have been thru being dx with hep-c realize its always a waiting game...some of us never get used to the waiting...i still panic from the time i get my blood work til the results are in....i have always suffered from panic attacks, but did okay during treatment...i was on a/d (zoloft) and also klonopin (anti-anxiety)...the zoloft has a bit of a calming effect and i found it helpful during tx....good luck with your biopsy and keep in touch.

[chellski]

we must've posted at same time...how are you?  hows your ex hub? i hope the kids are ok, have you told them about your hepc yet?  when i told my kids, it was very hard since it was just a year since my husband died - he had hep-c but was not the sole reason for his death - but i could not convince my kids that.. they were very angry and scared, but we have all come thru it...and hopefully, life goes on..
michelle

[doglover28]

Hi Merlino,
I've been thinking about ya. We had our beach trip last week. Have you gone yet? I am in North Carolina and the water was so warm.  It probably is up north, too. We are going to the mountains on Sat for a few days.
The panic attacks that I have been having are nothing like I've ever had before.  I've tried mediatating, breathing your name it. I heard the train the other night going by and thought how nice it would be to lay under it.  Of course I would never do that to my family or self, but just to make the feelings go away.  I was ready to commit myself to a hospital.
I don't think my husband really wants me to have treatment if I am not too far along with damage.  I don't blame him.  I feel bad. I haven't had sex with him in months due to fear.  I am so sorry for rambling on.  

Chelskie,
Maybe the AD I am on is adding to the restlessness.  I am going back to the Doc next week to see if I can get it switched. I've always worried, but have never experienced the panic attacks that I've been having lately.  Thanks for your advise. I hope you are doing fine.

[friole]

sorry about the panic attacks.  One thing about treatment is it seems to enhance whatever problems you have so that might be a concern.  I haven't had panic attacks myself but my daughter used to and they were frightening - keep that paper bag close.

My sis lives in N Carolina.  Beautiful place.  Weren't you in forestry or something?  She is a state park ranger at Jordan Lake, but about to assume a new position new Greensboro at the headwaters of the Haw RIver.

friole

[doglover28]

Hi Kathy, I am not in Forestry.  I just write about riding my bike in the woods all the time.  I was in Pharmaceutical Development until I resigned two weeks ago.  That's probably adding to my panic.  I don't feel in control without a job.
I live about 10 miles from Jordan Lake.  Matter of fact, a good friend of mine used to be the head ranger there about four years ago.  We went to some parties at his house at the lake. He transferred to Carolina Beach to Fort Fisher State Park.
The Haw River is awesome.  She has a cool job.  I do wish I had gone in to that field.  Whenver I ride my bike through the woods and see the rangers, it makes me wish that I was one.

That is what I fear about treatment and this panic mess.  Hopefully I am only a stage 1 or a 2. If the PA said I had plenty of time to embark on a new carreer, maybe I am only stage 1 or 2.

[doglover28]

I do want to get rid of the virus...I just can't deal with this panie getting any worse.  To be honest...I would rather die, (not by my own hands) than to deal with this jittery, crawly, shakey (shaky), lightheaded, mindracing feeling.

[NYgirl]

Why did you quit your job?  Was it that bad? If so you certainly don't need that in your life!

You'll be just fine if you can relax. I GUARANTEE you in a few months you won't even THINK about the disease except when you come in here to try and encourage someone else.  It NEVER occurs to me during the day at all.  I come to work and keep myself busy and just live my life like I always have. THAT is what you have to do.

Sounds like you are in such a panic that you might talk to a doc about some antianxiety meds.  maybe a good AD too.  There isn't anything to freak that much over...we live good full productive lives with hep you know!   :)

[NYgirl]

I meant maybe you should CHANGE to a good AD.  A good one should keep you much more mellow than you are it seems to me (not that I am any expert AT ALL IN THIS WORLD LOL).  Mine really DOES help me cool out my brain so it's not running rampant on me.

[friole]

My sister's name is Sue - maybe you met her.  She was hoping for the job at the newly aquired Haw River acreage right in that area but they never allocated any extra money to fund it - just shifted districts around.  So she is taking this new job in this new state park -- ha ha - won't have to clean toilets any more, she says.  

I too wish I had gone into that field.  When I went to college (1965) it was not an open field for women -- besides, my parents thought you had to have basics only --- lots changed in 17 years (she is 17 years my junior) and I am so glad she pursued this career.
kathy

[doglover28]

Hi,
I've been on Celexa which is an AD, but I am going to see if I can get it changed.  Doc did prescribe some Ativan which is an anti anxiety med.  I started taking it yesterday.

My job was bad!  Money was good and my group was good, but the morale was the pits. The directors I worked with came in my office complaining about how much they hated the company.  Nobody would smile.  Then, they decided to take all the people that had the positon like mine and put us in a "pool".  Like a 1960s typing pool.(We aren't typist) The directors I worked with tried to prevent it, but it didn't work. The company has been through 5 general managers in the three years that I've been there.  To top it off, the woman in charge of the pool has never liked me for some reason.I've never done anything mean to her.  She acts that way to a lot of people. She treats the people in the pool like they are babies.  Her friend called me to wish me well, and told me even though she is her friend, she to would have to quit before working for her.   Anyway, the good thing is that I think I will be able to get on back at the insurance company that I worked for 10 years.  The only reason I had left them was to stay home after havng my daugher. They are like a big family there.  The job I just quit was corporate america BS.

[doglover28]

How long has she worked for Jordan Lake?  Ask her if she knows a guy named Mike.  He was the head ranger for several years. The Haw is cool to Kayak on

[can-do-man]

So sorry to hear about your dad. Try not to let it get you down, im sure your dad wouldn't want that. Want to make a bet? Bet you a zillon dollars your bx. is no more then a stage 1. Id like to have that cash in all 20's stuffed in a shoe box. Thank you very much.

[merlino]

My son get them pretty bad - he is on Wellbutin-he doesn't like the way it makes him feel. Mine lasted only a short period of time - my son has been getting them for 3 years. He is only 19.Dr. blames it on stress. Everything is blamed on stress it seems. We are leaving for the shore on Sat. Can't wait. Need this rest. Hope you feel better. As my tx time gets closer I am really getting nervous.

Hi Chellski, my youngest just came home last night from visiting his dad. haven't had a chance to sit and talk with him. Will do tonight. No, haven't told them and don;t plan on it right now. They are both so emotional right now. My oldest sons anxiety is getting really bad even being medicated. I ache for the two of them. They just look so sad. I really want to try and just tx without anyone knowing. I will give it my best. With their dad so ill they need me 110%.

[Dale_Ray]

Sorry about your dad? I hope your results come back good. At least knowing your liver is not at the danger level is a good thing. To leave a job in good health is a traumatic thing and so glad your doctor is helping with that situation. Best of luck to you as it goes along. Be waiting to hear your results from the visit. Dale

[chellski]

hey friole - small world you and dog having common people so close to each other....
dog - the atmosphere at your work sounds horrible and you probably did the right thing...there are lots of jobs and maybe you could make a career change - that would be very exciting (although maybe not if you do begin tx)...
merlino - you know whats right for your kids, and it sounds like they have alot on their plates right now...my middle daughter is on three medications (which she hates) but we have really seen an improvement...she's on low dose of prozac; adderol for adhd; and trileptol - an anti siezure med....hopefully the trileptol will not last long.....and her and my youngest are still in councelling (me too) just not as often now...my oldest is 19 and opted out of the councelling, she's just trying to go it on her own right now....they're very happy that i've completed tx and am now 5months post..
good luck to you all.

[doglover28]

Thank you for your warm thoughts.

I think my aniexty goes back to my childhood. a good councler when I get a job and can afford it would probably help me.  

Merlino,
My plan was to start my treatment about the same time that you are.  Looks like that's not the case for me know since I quit my job.  My husband carries the insurance, but I can't see trying to learn a new job and having the brain fog that I read about that goes with treatment.  I hope you have a wonderful time at the coast.  The salt water helped me.  We saw a lot of Loggerhead Turtle nest.  We sat out and watched one everynight because it could have hatched at any time, but it didn't while we were there.  

Dale,
Thanks....If the PA said I have plenty of time for a career change, I am taking it as not being too bad, but in the back of my head, I keep thinking it will be like a high 2 or 3 which will want me to start treating immediately.  I will know in the morning.

[Pdilly]

I just asked the question on another post because you have not been around for awhile.   Good luck tomorrow.  Mine ended up being stage 2-3 and grade 2-3.   Basically I call myself a 3 since there have been some here that have had miss read counts. Do let us know.  Enjoy not working...I only wish but its not ment to be.
Did you go on your vacation yet?

[sfbaygirl]

Welcome back! We missed you! Sounds like your vacation was great! While away, life almost feels "normal" again, No hep c, then we come back and it is there big as life.

I hope you're bx comes out with good results tomorrow. I will be looking for it. To treat or not....that is the question! It is a big decision. There is a great thread on to treat last weekend. Check it out. Some good discussion.

One reason I did start tx was because I wasn't working (outside of John's law practice) and thought it was a good time, plus I had insurance right then and maybe wouldn't later. I am glad I did it, it always seems to hang over your head...

[doglover28]

my grammer is so off....please excuse me.  
I am starting to feel better since being back on here.  I've have not visited for a several weeks.

[can-do-man]

Glad you got SOME good news. Now about that zillion dollars in all 20's in the shoe box.:)

[doglover28]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

Can-Do-Man.

How are you???  You were right!!!  I'm a Stage 1, Grade 1.  I've been gone due to severe anxiety.  I couldn't get my self to log on to the computer.  I had it bad.  Laying in a fetal position woudln't even help.  Nor did mediation.  I'm feeling much better now.  This place has a lot to do with it, too.

SFbay,
Hey girl!  Thanks...How was your vacation?  Didn't you go to Jamacia?  I missed you all, too.  I hope you are feeling better.

PDilly,
Thank you for your well wishes.  I am trying to enjoy not working, but I do have to find something within the next month or so.  I need to have faith that I will find something.

Missed you all!  Believe it or not, this board with all you nice folks helps to keep my anxiety levels low.

Pam

[sfbaygirl]

Good news! So do you think you're going to wait for tx for awhile? Glad to hear the anxiety is gone, I have it sometimes and it is awful.

[doglover28]

Hi,

The anxiety isn't completely gone.  It's under control with meds.  Anxiety is aweful!  I never knew it could do what it did to me.  I wanted to die just to get the feeling to go away. Of course I wouldn't do anything like kill myself, but I wanted the misery to end.
I need to wait until I get settled in a new job before statring treatment.  I am glad I have some time.  What stage are you if you don't mind my asking?

Pam

[doglover28]

Where are you Can-Do-Man???  I hope you are alright.  You are a kind person

[sfbaygirl]

I dont' know what stage grade I am now. I had a bx about 5 years ago that was stage 1, but my dr. doesnt' want to risk it if I am going to tx anyway. So here I am, not knowing. I really wish I did. Like Kalio, who didn't know, I think although ignorance is bliss, it could help you know what options you have.

[sfbaygirl]

LOL that is too funny. I remember you saying that yesterday. Man, I wish I had made that bet!